When "too busy" becomes "go away?"

[carhill]

OP, he's your friend on his schedule. IMO, true friendship is doing the things which are hard, not easy. Because he is so busy, and likely is well-off monetarily as well, it's his *time* which is valuable, and money not so much. Taking time for you, to be *your* friend, defines the value of the friendship. At this point, from reading your OP, it's a friendship almost entirely on his terms. That's not a friendship, to me. Be aware, it is, for some men. Perhaps it is for him. That's OK. It's his path. It doesn't have to be yours.

 

FWIW, I know and have close friendships with some pretty busy, powerful men. They always return phone calls and e-mails, make time in their busy days for lunch and have been an enormous support to me during my divorce. That's what *friends* do.

 

I'm straight and so are they so this may be a different dynamic, but, regardless, if you *feel* that this friendship is lopsided or one way, it is. Own that. Accept it. Talk about it, with him

[TooShyToSayHi]

Thank you for your wonderful message there. The bit about "owning it" jumped out at me. It made me realize I need to do what's right for me. The friendship is lopsided. The part about us having different paths is important.

 

I don't doubt that he cares, and shows it in HIS way, which isn't MY way of showing affection. I know him well enough that confronting him, no matter how gently, would be a disaster.

 

So, I'm bowing out gradually - slightly. It hurts like hell, but somehow having made the decision, I feel better about it.

 

There may well be things going that I'm not aware of. All I know is that the friendship causes me pain. Perhaps we will fit into each other's lives again one day. I still care for him, I'm sure I always will. And he cares for me as well.

 

However, for whatever reason, a close friendship with him seems no longer to be possible. I just have to accept it - and OWN my decision.

 

Thank you all.

[D-Lish]

Well, I see your point, but the only way to NOT be ignored when calling is to, well, not call."

 

It's all I can do. This shouldn't hurt this much.

 

Exactly, that's what I am getting at.

 

It hurts because you care about people, and you yourself wouldn't treat someone in the manner he is treating you- so it's harder to make sense of it.

 

Ultimately, he is all about him and what benefits him. You're not like that so it's hard to understand a guy like this.

 

Don't be his door mat- don't be a door mat period.

[Kaniut]

I agree with USMCHokie to an extent- "too busy" ALMOST always means "go away". Also, TooShyToSayHi-please don't make excuses for your friend. If this person wants to hang out with you, they will find a way. Unless they are married, have 18 bjillion kids, work 5 jobs, run the country, and work out 12 hours a day then they should not be too busy to spend time with you. That is, if they really value your friendship. I mean, if they have time to eat, sleep, take a dump, etc. then they have 5 minutes to spare to talk to you. Anything else is just excuses. The same is true for dating and relationships. If they repeatedly tell you that they're too busy or you're unclear about your friendship, then don't worry too much about being friends with that person.

[blueyedgrl85]

He does it because he can, and because he knows he can get a reaction from you, and it's highly possible that he is gratified by this.

 

Best way to deal with him is to be totally indifferent to him being either hot or cold to you. When he's nice, be pleasant, and move away. Do the same if he's cold.

 

You will find out soon enough how he feels about you if you continue this - the lack of reaction to his hot and cold treatment will drive him nuts. He'll either ask you what's up, to which your reaction should continue to be vaguely pleasant but indifferent; or he'll just not bother, in which case you will know exactly how he feels, and know it's time to forget him and move on.

[TooShyToSayHi]

Thank you all. Wow, so much to think about!

 

I talked to a friend of mine who knows this guy. He is trustworthy or I never would have done it. While he doesn't seem to think my friend is backing away, he suggested, as did many of you, that if it hurts, take a step back.

 

He reminded me that my friend has always been like this, and goes through periods of not contacting anyone if he doesn't have to. Still, he pointed out, that doesn't mean I have to put up with it.

 

So therein lies the rub. I know what I have to do, but am not sure how to do it. Since I'm sure my friend is not deliberately trying to hurt me, I don't want to cause any hurt. However, I don't want to hurt anymore either.

 

I'll be seeing him with a group of people the day after tomorrow. I'll be friendly, I'll return the hug I'm certain will be offered, but other than that I won't engage. Even if it's just for my own self-preservation. I can't think of anyway of handling it.

 

Who knows, there may be something going on that I don't know about in his life. But, that doesn't excuse one friend taking another for granted.

 

I guess I'm mourning the end of the kind of friendship we used to have. He would call. I would call. It didn't used to be so one-sided. But, it is what it is. Nothing I can do about it.

 

It's all I can do. If he notices and wants to know why - I'll tell him. But, in the meantime, I've got a life to live.

 

Thanks, everybody.

Edited April 22, 2010 by TooShyToSayHi