Read my girlfriends diary-wish I didn't

[Hamish]

I’m just over 30yrs old and looking to settle down, I meet my girlfriend (same age) just over a year ago and I’m very happy but few thing bug me about her and is almost stopping me from committing to a future with her.

I wear my heart up my sleeve cause I’ve seen and heard of so many bad relationship stories, I find it hard to trust and commit cause of fear of not working out, cheated on, becoming solo dad and broke. I want to chose well, all I need is a loyal partner to secure my future but as a result of trying to chose well I think I read into things to much.

 

I found her dairy when moving her stuff into our new house, I know I shouldn’t look but wanted to know what was going on inside her head, it was an interesting read, it dates back to the start of her last relationship, her thoughts were he’s “the one” at start but then 2years later she’s says that life is disappointing (cause she wants baby and start family) and that when reality doesn’t meet her expectations that she should saturate herself in guilty pleasure (if your dying) but life is a dieing journey. I also found a page that was written like a poem based on song by Leonard Cohen-1000 kisses deep, she uses her own words, keys words for me were union of friends, toilet block, forbidden fruit and felt so right but it was so wrong. Does this mean she’s cheated on her last boyfriend as well? “Forbidden fruit” and “felt so right but it was so wrong” hints cheating to me and say she get off on it as well. She also wrote “To deny this would cause in balance between our worlds” meaning she felt like it was destiny and couldn’t stop it even tho she knows it the wrong thing to do.

I don’t know if this person is her past x or male friend but some people say the song is about

(I goggled it) past lovers who still care for each other, They know they can't be together so they have passionate encounters, ones they will always treasure, then go back to living their lives as if nothing has happened, then I’ve also heard it means Giving in to passions, enjoying an encounter with the knowledge that it will not last or amount to anything.

Unfortunately she didn’t date that page but I know that song is no more than 12years old so and she reckons she only cheated on one of her past boy friend 14years ago and felt really bad about it and would make her sick to her stomach at the very thought of cheating on anyone ever again. Am I reading to much into this?? Any way it hard for me cause I got this info that I can’t hit her up about cause she’ll probably want to break up with me for reading her diary, all the dairy entry dates were before I came along but I hoping history don’t repeat.

 

Recently in bed drunk, I ask her for 69, she drunkly says “only with right guy at right time”obviously anciently slipped out but is that some thing you’d say or even think if you’d been in relationship with me for 1 year and 3 years for previous (been in relationships 4 years in total)

 

She also receives and sends texts late at night to her last x boyfriend and other people, I want to ask her who she’s texting but what her to feel like I trust her since I went though her phone one night without her permission, my bad but had funny feeling but maybe its all in my head.

 

She didn’t have her dad around much when she was growing up so she had cravings for male attention when she was younger, always dated older guys and apparently her x partners didn’t like her having male friends. She prefers male friends over chicks cause chicks are too bitchly for her, maybe she still caves the male attention but now in a more innocent way, is that possible? Is it still in her to lead guys on or hang out with guys who she knows want her cause she was like that back at in uni days.

 

It feels like she’s holding back emotionally and never integrates public affection or sex, feels like I’m doing all the talking and integrating all physical action, does she like me? she say’s she does but that’s just words and people can lie, that’s why I try to read body language. She might just be saying she likes me cause she wants kids now making me just a sperm donor in a doomed relationship. I’m no angle as well, I’ve done dodge stuff before but only when I was single, I wouldn’t get any gains from cheating on partner.

 

Should I trust her???

[phineas]

She also receives and sends texts late at night to her last x boyfriend

 

this is all you need to know.

If he's her ex why is she focusing on him late at night instead of focusing on you?

 

What do the text's say?

You did't tell us.

 

You sound like mr right now. A place holder until she finds someone better.

You also sound like your setting yourself up to be a doormat for her.

 

Anytime a woman holds back sexually for you when you know she didn't for someone else it's a big red-flag.

 

Your story about doing 69 for instance. She obviously did it with someone else, but won't do it with you?

[Hamish]

I didn't see what the x boyfriends text read that time, she said it was about some money she lent him cause he’s not good with money and that’s one of the reasons she left him cause he couldn’t save money to start a family with her. The odd text gets sent to her late at night, I don't know if thats always her x and someone else, I should start asking her.

I don’t feel threatened by the X for some reason but just feel like she disrespecting me texting late at night in our bedroom. I cant keep asking to look at her texts cause I’m suppose to trust her but also don’t want to be a walk over. She doesn’t hold out on sex, I just got to start it every time and I’ll ask her what’s her problem with 69.

[lostsunsets]

Tell her the way she feels about 69ing is the same way you feel about having children. Right time with the right person.

[make me believe]

Well....you can't really ask her about the diary because you never should have read it in the first place, and you didn't really find anything incriminating. The song/poem thing is kinda strange, but you can't read too much into it since you don't even know if it's recent or not. It could be from years ago.

 

The late night texting is definitely wrong though, and it needs to stop. Why does she need to keep in contact with her ex? You should absolutely ask who she is texting that late at night. Her attention should be on YOU, not her phone. I also don't like that she prefers male friends over female friends. That is always fishy, IMO. It tells me that she wants attention/validation from men and this could be due to low self-esteem, or just because that's how she is. Either way, she shouldn't need attention from other guys when she is in a relationship. Are you friends with her male friends too?

 

I see a lot of bad signs here. Not initiating sex or affection is a big one. Do you want to live the rest of your life always having to go without sex/affection unless you inititate it? It will most likely only keep getting worse, especially if you two get married & have kids I think you should sit down with your gf and have a serious talk about the texting, and both of your needs & wants in the relationship. It sounds like your needs aren't really being met, and at 30 years old it's definitely possible she's just using you because she wants to settle down & start a family.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I had a BF in highschool that I dated for 4 years.... he read my diary one day :mad: I broke up with him...

 

I think you should talk to her about how you are feeling? why don't people just talk anymore?

[Eeyore79]

Anytime a woman holds back sexually for you when you know she didn't for someone else it's a big red-flag.

 

Your story about doing 69 for instance. She obviously did it with someone else, but won't do it with you?

 

I would tend to disagree with this. I did stuff with my ex, because I loved him and wanted to make him happy... but he used me and dumped me, and I ended up feeling like crap because I had done this stuff with him. I swore that I wouldn't do that stuff again, because it made me feel dirty when I did stuff for a guy and he just dumped me afterwards... I swore I would only do it again when I was in a serious relationship, engaged or something.

 

So I did stuff with my ex that I wouldn't do with a new partner, but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for the new partner, it just means I don't want to open myself up to being used and feeling dirty again. I would do that stuf eventually if we got engaged or something, but not before.

[Dexter Morgan]

Forget about what you found in her diary. You need to dump her for her actions and words with you.

 

Told you no to a 69 because you weren't the right guy at the right time? Well if you aren't the right guy, what is she doing boffing you in the first place?

 

And she texts other guys late at night, let alone at all? and one is an X?

 

Dude, get rid of her fast and move on with your life. This girl is not worth your time, trust me on that.

[ComeUndone]

A couple things:

 

My ex read my diary on more than one occasion... this always made my blood boil. THEN he felt entitled to discuss what I had written, questioning me and probing, as if I owed him an explanation for my thoughts! My diary was supposed to be my safe place to retreat, and my thoughts and words were NOT his to read. Have you any idea how violating this is?

 

Do not read her diary any more... and if you can't do that simply because it's not fair to her, then do it for yourself because my second point emphasizes how easy it is to read too much into her words. You can't possibly understand what everything she writes about means.. what makes perfect sense to her may make no sense to you, forcing you to speculate and assume their meaning. The end result is that you have a bunch of assumptions and maybe some hurt feelings, neither of which can be addressed because you snooped, and sorry but that's just not something you're going to want to inform her of. So you're left stuck with your assumptions. Fun huh? That's what you get for snooping.

 

My real issue would be with her late night text from her ex... not classy and not respectful to you. Also a huge red flag. She doesn't sound very trustworthy.

[EmperorR]

RUN

 

good on you for snooping, snooping is always justified when you find something.

[Green]

I think you were wrong to read her diary. But the late night txts and the way she refused 69 were anoying.

[ADF]

Here's my suggestion: tell your GF you read her diary. If she has any self- respect at all, that will end your relationship. And with it, your problem.