6 weeks NC

[Heather1]

I guess it truly is over & I guess I have all my answers. It's so funny that I was coming up w/ my plan in case he contacted me again, made a filter for my email so that if he did contact me it would go in a file I would only check once a day & wouldn't go to my phone. He's never tried. He hasn't come into my work either like he said he was going to start doing again when we said "good bye" or f-off or whatever we said. I'm so sad my instincts were right, that he was done & I had to figure it out & be done too. That he wasn't going to end it all the way, that I had to. I'm also sad he never even tried to reach me . I know I shouldn't be, and at least I have my answer.

I met him through the family I used to work for. Last week I spent the day w/ two of the guys in the family & a few nights later there was a huge accident. I don't know if xOM knows about it or not, it depends on whether he's talked to his Dad. Anyway, I've been in contact w/ that family, talked to my friend who's in bad shape, and wanted SO BADLY to talk to xOM!!! He knows how close I am to this family, and especially the one in the accident. I almost caved, but instead I had another friend in the hospital & I switched gears & brought her some stuff to help her out & get my mind off myself.

I have been in & out of hospitals & funeral parlors for over 3 years now. Luckily, my health has been fine, but I went sideways with this xOM. After all this caregiving & packing my black suitcase to fly off for funerals, no one's really noticed I'm losing it. Everyone thinks I'm the most together person???? No one knows about my A, I haven't told anyone.

Am I happy I did NC?? Absolutely, I needed to know one way or the other & he wasn't ending things completely. It was driving me INSANE!!!!! Did I think this would be the outcome?? No, not really. I thought he'd try to contact me & it would be similar to White Flower's outcome where he'd come to his senses & see I was happy with the way things were, that he was my escape. I loved that.....I didn't want "more." I didn't want to feel used though either. A mutual "escape" would have been perfect for me. That said, I won't be looking for this ever again!!!

Would love to hear how NC is going for Lost & Halo

[LostMe]

Hi Heather1, if you mean me I'm not in NC...it's not really an issue for me right now. I miss 'us' and what we had, any contact now is so fake, it's like he's a different person. So in a way I feel in NC with who he WAS before. A part if me is just not ready to let him go either.I am hoping if my focus is elsewhere (my marriage!) it'll happen naturally. Fizzle out. I have all my answers really, it's missing him I struggle with. And that's down to old father time to fix.

 

I do admire you and others greatly for sticking with NC. 6 weeks would feel like forever for me! I'm glad it's helping you move on, even if it's shown you how to the hard way. I too worry that if I stop responding to him, I'll never hear from him again. I'm not strong enough to deal with that...yet. Like you I want to feel that we are doing the right thing in spite of our feelings...I don't want to feel like he couldn't care less about me. There are days I do feel that's the case and I'm just a delusional idiot but I know in my heart what's true because I know/knew him so well

 

You're doing great, be proud of yourself. He's only one person, feel the love of those around you, I'm sure there are many

[Heather1]

I talked to xOM's best friend about this accident today, smoke signal? I don't know, I was so stressed & wanted to talk to anyone who knows what might be going on without talking to xOM.

I need to completely stay away from both of these families!!!! Maybe this is my chance for a clean break, a last severed tie. I was just bawling today with stress & relief over the fact that my friend is OK & that I'm safe. I put the nail in the coffin with xOM though today. Just the fact he now knows what happened & doesn't seem to have any concern for me shows he never has had concern for me. I'm glad this didn't happen while we were in contact, I'd be more devastated & feel like a complete idiot. I'm also mad at the guy in the accident, he totally put my son & I in harm's way (long story, but this wasn't your normal accident). We could have all been hurt or killed. I'm done w/ both of these families!!!

I think I got the names confused, it was Just a Stone's Throw that was in NC the same length of time & haven't read anything about her this past week.

Something needed to kick my butt & get me out of this situation for good!

[her_halo_slipped]

I guess it truly is over & I guess I have all my answers. It's so funny that I was coming up w/ my plan in case he contacted me again, made a filter for my email so that if he did contact me it would go in a file I would only check once a day & wouldn't go to my phone. He's never tried. He hasn't come into my work either like he said he was going to start doing again when we said "good bye" or f-off or whatever we said. I'm so sad my instincts were right, that he was done & I had to figure it out & be done too. That he wasn't going to end it all the way, that I had to. I'm also sad he never even tried to reach me . I know I shouldn't be, and at least I have my answer.

I met him through the family I used to work for. Last week I spent the day w/ two of the guys in the family & a few nights later there was a huge accident. I don't know if xOM knows about it or not, it depends on whether he's talked to his Dad. Anyway, I've been in contact w/ that family, talked to my friend who's in bad shape, and wanted SO BADLY to talk to xOM!!! He knows how close I am to this family, and especially the one in the accident. I almost caved, but instead I had another friend in the hospital & I switched gears & brought her some stuff to help her out & get my mind off myself.

I have been in & out of hospitals & funeral parlors for over 3 years now. Luckily, my health has been fine, but I went sideways with this xOM. After all this caregiving & packing my black suitcase to fly off for funerals, no one's really noticed I'm losing it. Everyone thinks I'm the most together person???? No one knows about my A, I haven't told anyone.

Am I happy I did NC?? Absolutely, I needed to know one way or the other & he wasn't ending things completely. It was driving me INSANE!!!!! Did I think this would be the outcome?? No, not really. I thought he'd try to contact me & it would be similar to White Flower's outcome where he'd come to his senses & see I was happy with the way things were, that he was my escape. I loved that.....I didn't want "more." I didn't want to feel used though either. A mutual "escape" would have been perfect for me. That said, I won't be looking for this ever again!!!

Would love to hear how NC is going for Lost & Halo

 

Hi Heather. I am sad for you that he hasn't contacted you but I do feel it might be for the best for you?

As for me. Last week I broke NC. I was annoyed and angry at myself. A week later I have had PLENTY of contact . Shoot. It isn't what I set out to do (((shrugs))). However, it has all been just friendly chit chat. Don't worry I am not kidding myself that it is that simple but for the now the calls have been quite welcome. Maybe NC allowed me to gain some perspective. I do not want to get back to being in an A but I realised I am not ready to have him disappear from my life altogether. We were friends for quite some time before the A and maybe we will be long after.

[Just a stone's throw]

I think I got the names confused, it was Just a Stone's Throw that was in NC the same length of time & haven't read anything about her this past week.

Something needed to kick my butt & get me out of this situation for good!

 

Heather,

I read your post yesterday, though your details are vague about the "accident" I am certainly glad you and your family are okay! Definitely a clear sign that he has moved on since that would have brought him out of the woodwork if he had concerns about your safety in this or your emotional stress. A clear sign of what he's about. Hugs to you during this stressful time though!

 

I, like Lost, have not been in NC. Mine has been very LC and only for professional, community related issues. But I made the decision yesterday after much thought and reading responses to some posts of mine on another thread that I am being disrespectful of my husband to continue on with any contact. I'm mostly being disrespectful of myself. The reciprocation of the contact from exMM is very short, to the point and with no emotion/feeling and makes me feel worse about things had I not had contact with him at all. I just don't need it, no matter what kind of support/questions/info I am seeking, no matter how platonic the requests are. He has a way of making me feel that I was nothing to him. It’s clear he’s moved on. There is no looking back for him. And so, I need to move on with this, with my marriage. I am happy to report things are going very well with my H.

 

I still think about him way more than I want to and rehash things in my mind about our time together. I have toyed with sending him one last note explaining why I’m leaving it for good and will seek advice/answers from other sources than him as I don’t think I’ve ever truly told him how his actions have affected me (am sure he will have no complaints about that). But then I argue with myself as to why waste my time. What good would it do, and why would he care. Am afraid if I don’t though I just leave it open for me to contact him again and I want that wall there to keep me from doing that.

 

So I hope to report back in you in 6 weeks that I've been successful. But for now, baby steps and 1 week would be a victory.

 

Keep up the good work on NC!

[Heather1]

Thanks for letting me know how you're doing. I'd be in contact too if he would have replied to my short note a few weeks ago, but he never did. Frankly, I'm relieved he didn't because I don't want him to lecture me & draw the line, like he has all the control. I want to have a say in things & have some dignity & a mutual understanding. I would love to have the equal friendship we had before, that was fun! Once it got lopsided & he pulled the rug out from under me (especially during Christmas) I was done. I just needed to figure out how to pull away without causing a total scene. I made the decision on valentine's day....when I didn't hear from him until I sent him something @ 4pm....that I really needed NC for my sanity. The 2 years prior I would wake up to a nice note from him.

I try to be kind of vague on here, just in case ya know?

Things w/ my H are getting better. I'm still waiting for the end of the school year to decide on what route to take w/ my H. I can't make any decisions with xOM in my life for sure! He stole the show!

I think the hardest thing about this for me is that I'm a loner by nature & I keep things to myself (he knows this, which is probably why he zero'd in on me). With all the crisis's that have gone on, I do my best to be there for people & yet no one knows what's going on with me. I'm glad this is here.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

wow heather, all of that stress and still maintaining NC. I'm sorry that u are going through all of that other stuff right now but look at it this way all of the other aspects of your life you can't control, people dying, getting sick..etc.. but you can control your own hapiness and getting away from toxic relationships is one way. I think you are on the right track...hang in there girl.

[Just a stone's throw]

As I've said before, I just wanted the control over "when to say when" or at least have a mutual acceptance if that was possible. Hated giving him the satisfaction of calling the shots. Honestly, I wasn't ready for it to be over but in all reality, I needed it to be over. In retrospect, it's a good thing, a very good thing.

 

He is such a non-emotional person, very detached that when I saw glimpses of emotion in him toward me, it made something click in me. But in him it made him retreat even more so why should it be such hard work to "get" to someone. It shouldn't and my efforts are worth more than that. He can stay messed up in his own head. Not my problem.

[Heather1]

That would be ideal huh? A mutual understanding ending. In my case, I wanted a mutual understanding A that would end when one of us wanted "more." That's what I thought our arrangement was. I just didn't want the devastation of tearing apart 2 families, and I was OK with everything. It was actually helping me be there for all the rest of the stuff that was going on in my life & gave me something to look forward to. Selfish, but true. I remember being in a hospital & he was sending me pictures of Italy, put a smile on my face. Then I remember being at a funeral (I didn't tell him about, it was sudden & he was pulling back) & dove in the ocean after the services. That morning before the services a friend called to say she was getting divorced & that he was cheating on her & was totally bashing the OW. I didn't tell her about the funeral either, I just listened to her. I emailed him after, not telling him about my day, and he said he's trying to cool things off a bit with me. So that's a good example of what my days are, trying to be there for everyone when no one really knows how my day has been. He used to be a huge help, but that day I felt like someone pummeled me w/ a baseball bat & no one knew.

Anyway.....the balance was off & I didn't sign up for that. I don't want to hang around where no one wants me. I'm lucky I've been drinking airborne for a month so I don't get sick & I can work my co-workers shifts while she's in the hospital. I work 6 days this week, later today.

I do think he knows what happened by now. If not from his friend, I think he figured out my FB password where I sent 2 private messages about it that are deleted?? Maybe I'm just on edge & paranoid?? I changed my password. I don't care if he has it or not, there's nothing on there. If anything he'll know I'm not looking for his replacement, I hardly use FB.

[Just a stone's throw]

That's weird about your FB deletions. Odder that he would go to the trouble of deleting them. But I guess some people do odd things.

 

I understand what you say about not sharing your issues when everyone is expecting you to be the strong one. Also, if you were to unload on him when he called about how horrible your day was and what you had been through, you'd have to think would he just have been staying on (not cooling it off) just because he didn't want to pile more on you at the time. No one wants a sympathy relationship. We want true feelings where others want to be with us for the right reasons. I feel the same way that exMM is just being polite with me because he doesn't want to say "I no longer want to talk with you" and give me a reason. Instead he is just cold and distant. It's not doing me any good and I don't need it. I still want him to know that though and by me just going NC, he will never suspect anything. He'd never "get it". Oblivious. Funny, that movie "He's just not that into you" came out when we were together. That really hit home during our ups and downs. We had the same thing going on, neither of us wanted the other to get serious. But I respected him and I wish he had respected me.

[Heather1]

I lasted 2 weeks w/ the cold distant thing from him. Probably because I was going through so much he didn't know about (cuz you're right, I didn't want to be a downer around him, he was my escape from all that). I had to cut out what was turning out to be my major source of stress to deal w/ everything else, and that was him.

I said it was over, he said he's never going to have sex w/ me again (hello??), I got pissed & he said it was over for him too. Then I sent a few more notes saying I wanted things to end gracefully, didn't mean to get pissed but maybe it was for the better & I wished him well & said I'd be fine. I needed to know!!! I'm not all in for one sided, and I really don't want to ever be strung along. What's weird is that even though I think he's done having any feelings for me, I think he respects me (ok, maybe I'm delusional) for cutting things off entirely when he couldn't. I don't think many women have told him to take a hike before.....if any. Yeah, I feel pretty good about that one & not hanging in there for his bull.

[LostMe]

Yikes! the cold/distant thing, that's what I got for two months after I stopped our daily contact. It's a killer. I didn't know if he was doing it for self-preservation or he just couldn't give two figs anymore. So i stopped initiating contact and he's been a bit warmer since...i ignored him completely once and he sent me an irrational 'where the devil are you?' message half a day later, another time he called my office asking if i was away...these things make me think he does miss me and he's struggling too but i don't know if it's just a control thing for him.

 

I understand the control thing so much Stonesthrow! Sometimes i think if he was to chase after me now, it'd give me the massive dose of reality i need and put me off him in a flash!!

 

On good days i think this is just the way it has to be, it doesn't mean he's moved on and is over me already, it's just the way it has to be. On bad days i think i'm a complete nutcase and he's probably glad to be rid of me and is only in touch to be polite.

 

Fact is I will never know one way or the other so i might as well believe in the one that hurts less and be done with!!!

[Just a stone's throw]

Oh I'm sure he thinks of me as a complete nutcase in some respects and in others thinks he's Joe Studly because someone would give him that much attention and he could just cast them aside... whatever. Done. Problem is, I needed to get angry and I never did. I wish I had. I could just hate him then and be done with it. Eventually indifference would wash over me and then nothing.... Done.

[Heather1]

Yeah, they like the Joe Studly but don't want you to feel good after the fact too? I made him feel good while he put me through the ringer. I'll tell ya one thing, I took back my control & I don't miss the roller coaster! I can feel however I want & he'll never know. Better than any poker face I have with contact.

[Heather1]

Really sad today....I just re-read my posts from the beginning of the A a year and a half ago. Here's my problem, I let yet another person in who doesn't give a s about me. I'm a total loner & really try to protect myself from this, but yet again I let someone in who's a taker. He never gave a s about me from the gate. I'm really mad at myself.

 

So while I'm kind of expecting him to break NC because of what happened to prove he cares about me, my answer is he never did. By now he knows about everything that happened last week and my involvement & how freaked out I am, and nothing.

 

From the gate this board has been correct.

[Just a stone's throw]

Heather, Don't beat yourself up about it. Letting people in is not a bad thing. Just your choice of "who". Learn from your choices but don't throw the baby out with the bath water. What I mean by that is that letting someone into your world is a good thing from what you've shared. Just evaluate this choice and think about how you can make a better choice next time (I don't mean another A, I mean a friend).

 

I was just in my car and have my iPod on. The U2 song came on and the words hit me, especially today.

I'm not afraid

Of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me

That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find

A decent melody

A song that I can sing

In my own company

 

I never thought you were a fool

But darling, look at you. Ooh.

You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

'Cause tears are going nowhere baby

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better

Now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

 

 

I will not forsake

The colors that you bring

The nights you filled with fireworks

They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted

By the light you brought to me

I listen through your ears

Through your eyes I can see

 

You are such a fool

To worry like you do.. Oh

I know it's tough

And you can never get enough

Of what you don't really need now

My, oh my

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now

You've got yourself stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

Oh lord look at you now

You've got yourself stuck in a moment

And you cant gt out of it

 

I was unconscious, half asleep

The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall

It's a long way down to nothing at all

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better

Now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

 

And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if your way should falter

Along this stony pass

 

It's just a moment

This time will pass

 

 

It's the constant conversation that I have with myself. I hope you can take some solace in these words today, Heather. Hugs!!

[Hazyhead]

Heather, Don't beat yourself up about it. Letting people in is not a bad thing. Just your choice of "who". Learn from your choices but don't throw the baby out with the bath water. What I mean by that is that letting someone into your world is a good thing from what you've shared. Just evaluate this choice and think about how you can make a better choice next time (I don't mean another A, I mean a friend).

 

I was just in my car and have my iPod on. The U2 song came on and the words hit me, especially today.

I'm not afraid

Of anything in this world

There's nothing you can throw at me

That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find

A decent melody

A song that I can sing

In my own company

 

I never thought you were a fool

But darling, look at you. Ooh.

You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

'Cause tears are going nowhere baby

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better

Now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

 

 

I will not forsake

The colors that you bring

The nights you filled with fireworks

They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted

By the light you brought to me

I listen through your ears

Through your eyes I can see

 

You are such a fool

To worry like you do.. Oh

I know it's tough

And you can never get enough

Of what you don't really need now

My, oh my

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now

You've got yourself stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

Oh lord look at you now

You've got yourself stuck in a moment

And you cant gt out of it

 

I was unconscious, half asleep

The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall

It's a long way down to nothing at all

 

You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better

Now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it

 

And if the night runs over

And if the day won't last

And if your way should falter

Along this stony pass

 

It's just a moment

This time will pass

 

 

It's the constant conversation that I have with myself. I hope you can take some solace in these words today, Heather. Hugs!!

 

This is probably going to be removed, JAST, but I agree. I love the last line from this song.

[Just a stone's throw]

Oops. Should have read the rules huh? I did say it was U2's not mine. Oh well. Heather can google them. They're easy to find.

[Heather1]

I love that song too...

I'll download it & take the top down on my car. I'm just wallowing.

 

I'm going to spend the rest of my day with my H, who I feel NO attraction for. I guess what I'll miss most is that wild attraction that I'll never experience again. I know that's selfish, but when I think of a lifetime with my H I force myself to have sex with, I feel really sad. I didn't "let myself go," he did. I feel totally trapped.

Chat with you all later

[Just a stone's throw]

I am fortunate in the fact that my H knew that he was losing me from the lack of sexual compatibility and he has done a lot to make that a priority for him. He has made his health a priority, our sexual health a priority and we together are making our marriage a priority. I am lucky. Though I know I'm still keeping my A to myself which does still eat at me, I feel we are on the right track to making this marriage turn around.

 

Heather, if he hadnt' made all these efforts, where I was a couple months ago would have given me a good excuse to make a move for D. I had serioiusly considered that. But with his efforts, I couldn't fathom it. I know you're waiting until the end of the school year to make that decision but you sound so frustrated and confined that I'm really concerned about you. I hope that the right plan will be evident to you because it doesn't sound like the way you're living is fair to you or your kids.

JAST

[Heather1]

It's just such a hard decision!! We had a great time in Oct when I was in NC before. He'd lost all his weight, we went on a nice trip. Then I got the birthday email from the OM & got back involved. Each time I do NC & try to get the feelings back for my H it's harder.

We did have a nice day though....took my nice car out, went shopping & to the gym. He's trying to do things with me I like to do, I just don't know if he likes to do them? Hopefully he doesn't just suffer through the day so he keeps me. I've been really honest to him about losing me.

Even though it was tough not hearing from xOM about this incident, I'm glad I didn't. What would it have done? If I have anything left w/ my H, I can't have xOM in my life cuz it just confuses everything. I'm also REALLY glad I didn't get ahold of him at all about it. I did get ahold of his friend, but only because I thought he'd have some info for me & I was kind of frantic. I don't expect anything else to come up for me to be in contact w/ him or his close friends again.

I'm going to just have to think that he never really cared a flying fig about me. He got away w/ it scott free, except for I don't ever have to see him again & he doesn't get to be "friends" with me. Maybe that isn't a big consolation prize, but it makes me feel better he's still not yanking my chain.

[quackquackhen]

heather...i am sending you hugs for all the pain that you are going through at the moment...xxx

[Just a stone's throw]

Hey Heather - Hope you're doing better today. Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I hope the sun is shining on you wherever you are today!

[ladydesigner]

Hey Heather it sounds like you could use a ((hug)). I think you are still in the grieving process. Give yourself time and space to breathe, feel, yell, smile, laugh...whatever it is. I was EXACTLY where you are at. I felt NO attraction to my H. He has made great efforts this past year that have me feeling MORE attracted to him now. Maybe you just need more time. more time to process the ending of an A and more time to process the saving or ending of a marriage. I NEVER thought I would get feelings back for my H but surprisingly I did. It happens.

 

I had a good laugh at this because it is how I feel about my XOM as well.

 

I'm going to just have to think that he never really cared a flying fig about me. He got away w/ it scott free, except for I don't ever have to see him again & he doesn't get to be "friends" with me.

but it is also that thought that keeps me in NC.

 

Hope today is better day!!!!!

[Heather1]

You're all so sweet!! Much better today, worked & only thought about it a few times. I ended up hanging out with 6 guys after work. I got to just be myself & shoot the breeze. I'm around men all day because of my job. It's weird because xOM is the only one who's really hit my radar. One of the guys is VERY cute....again weird because now I know to keep my distance. I like him & I never want to have to severe all ties. So I learned something huh? Not going to cross the line again.

I did thnk a little today about how it ended & how I was the one who shut the door. Again, stupid thngs make me feel a little better. I'm glad he never saw me cry & I'm glad he doesn't know he broke my heart.

I do figure I'm still grieving, this has been the longest NC. I'm hoping by June I can semi-clearly look at my future with my H. I can't "break up" twice in a few mnths.