Am I to blame for my ex's downward spiral?

[Woggle]

I just got off the phone with my ex mother in law and she let me have it. She told me that if I did not break my ex wife's heart she would not have went nuts the way she did. She still loves me and she is heartbroken over the way I just tossed her aside when we had a little trouble in our marriage and feels that I should have been a man and fought for her.

 

It seems that the reason she turned to drugs and infidelity is that I was too busy trying to work towards a better life for us than I was being her lover and she had to numb the pain with drugs and she needed loving from somewhere else. Instead of divorcing her after catching her cheating I should have took it as a wakeup call and been the husband that could have saved our marriage.

 

Another thing she told me is that the shooting was just her way of saying she loves me. If she did not love me she would not have shown so much passion. When my wife and I ran into her in the supermarket it was like rubbing salt in an open would and it sent her over the edge. Now that she has a police record and is facing serious time she claims it is all my fault because if I loved my ex enough it would have motivated her to get herself together but just all men I chose to destroy a woman.

 

Is their any credibility to what she said to me?

[LisaUk]

Er sorry, the shooting? Your ex wife shot you?

[Woggle]

Er sorry, the shooting? Your ex wife shot you?

 

She shot at my wife and I who was then my fiance after she ran into us at the store and did a year in prison for it.

[Els]

Nothing anyone ever becomes is ever completely anyone else's fault.

 

With that said, people, especially those close to us, certainly can influence us one way or another. You and your mother might be a prime example of that.

 

I haven't followed your threads closely enough to know exactly how bad what you did to your ex-wife was, but I do believe her mother was out of line telling you this NOW.

[LisaUk]

So to get this striaght, your xw cheated on you, took drugs and then shot your finace and this was apparently according to your x MIL, your fault because ?

[Ariadne]

She shot at my wife and I who was then my fiance after she ran into us at the store and did a year in prison for it.

 

If she has done it once she may do it again.

 

Now she is again in prison and is blaming you for it.

 

Be careful.

[Woggle]

So to get this striaght, your xw cheated on you, took drugs and then shot your finace and this was apparently according to your x MIL, your fault because ?

 

She didn't hit either of us but she tried or maybe she was just trying to scare us. According to my x MIL it was nothing compared to the emotional murder I inflicted upon her.

[sweetjasmine]

Is their any credibility to what she said to me?

 

No. Normal, stable people don't snap and SHOOT AT THEIR EX because they got dumped.

 

Of course her mother would place all the blame on you. She can't own up to the fact that her own daughter is a totally f-up. Do you really think she's capable of saying or even thinking, "Gee, Wog, I guess I sure screwed up in raising my kid and I guess she's a damaged, self-destructive felon on her own merit"?

 

That lady is insane. People don't shoot at someone out of love.

 

Tell me, if there was a thread on here where someone said, "I saw my ex and his fiancee, and I just couldn't take it so I pulled out a gun and shot at them", what would you think?

[crazycatlady]

Woggle - your ex is crazy and unstable, and maybe it is because of the drugs, but she is weak and pitiful. This is not something you caused. No, you are not at fault. You did nothing wrong.

 

CCL

[Ronni_W]

Is their any credibility to what she said to me?

No, not at all. Your ex is 100% responsible for her own decisions, choices, actions and reactions to whatever Life throws at her.

You had/have NO control over any other person's actions. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

 

We've ALL suffered emotional trauma, loss and heartbreak. We're NOT all running around strung out on drugs and shooting at people...even if they were a part of our traumatic experience and heartbreak.

 

Woggle, don't take on what does not properly belong to you. If you want to feel guilty about how YOU did things, that's up to you. But don't take blame for how other people did things - that'd just be silly. Right?

[shadowplay]

Obviously, your ex is very mentally ill. She sounds either Borderline or Bipolar. Her attachment issues with abandonment and drug abuse make me think Borderline. (Was she abused as a child?) But we're just hearing your side of the story. It's very possible that the abuse/mistreatment went both ways, even if it wasn't in equal amounts. Usually I give the poster the benefit of the doubt when they tell their side of the story, but given how many issues I know you have because of your past it wouldn't shock me if you had mistreated her in some way.

 

That said, even if you mistreated her, her psychosis has nothing to do with you. No sane person would respond that way to a break up. The fact that you left her triggered a craziness that was already there. If it wasn't you, it would have been something else eventually.

Edited April 15, 2010 by shadowplay

[sally4sara]

Woggle, bullets have never been a way of showing love. Don't listen to that crazy crap!

And people go through rough patches in their lives all the time without going all druggie and hateful.

With her mother making justifications like these for her daughter's behavior, it is no wonder the girl's head is a mess.

[shadowplay]

Woggle, bullets have never been a way of showing love. Don't listen to that crazy crap!

And people go through rough patches in their lives all the time without going all druggie and hateful.

With her mother making justifications like these for her daughter's behavior, it is no wonder the girl's head is a mess.

 

Yeah it sounds like her mother is just as crazy/and or in denial.

[quankanne]

the only one responsible for her bad decisions is your wife. Just like the fact that only you - me - the guy down the street - the two skanks in your office are responsible for our respective behavior.

 

to suggest otherwise is bullshxt, plain and simple. Your ex-wife acted maliciously toward you and your wife because *she* made that decision to do so. You leaving her might have justified the behavior in her mind (and her freakazoid mother's), but in reality, she was wrong. Because when you love somebody – really and truly love them – respect plays a big role. And based on your past posts, the woman had no respect for you, kid.

 

blow off what your former MIL is telling you – she just wants to fook with yer head ...

[Citizen Erased]

Come on Woggle, you're not stupid, you know she's full of crap. But I guess this is your usual way of getting people kissing you arse before you go back to ranting about the evils of women.

[Woggle]

Come on Woggle, you're not stupid, you know she's full of crap. But I guess this is your usual way of getting people kissing you arse before you go back to ranting about the evils of women.

 

Not this time. Not sayin that I never think it but I know my perspective is very warped. At least I can admit I have a problem which is the first step.

[Woggle]

I know I have my issues and nobody is perfect but I did not mistreat her. All in all I treated her very well. If anything I was too much of a doormat. My bitterness towards women actually did not start until after the divorce.

[alphamale]

Is their any credibility to what she said to me?

no, not really

[2sunny]

wog - she's a druggie and you didn't cause that. you can't cure it and you can't control it. you can make changes for yourself though.

 

the best way is to cut her and her family completely out of your life. she's your EX. your current wife deserves the respect of you not living in the past.

 

no reason to correspond with any of them anymore.

 

cut them off.

[Ronni_W]

My bitterness towards women actually did not start until after the divorce.

No kidding?

Are you sure it wasn't guilt that you ended up "transforming" into a bitterness towards women?

Cos this kinda crap surely had to have weighed on your own conscience, no? And bitterness could well have seemed (to your unconscious mind) a far better and more "reasonable" alternative than having to make the difficult journey through guilt and self-forgiveness.

 

Possibly?

[Woggle]

No kidding?

Are you sure it wasn't guilt that you ended up "transforming" into a bitterness towards women?

Cos this kinda crap surely had to have weighed on your own conscience, no? And bitterness could well have seemed (to your unconscious mind) a far better and more "reasonable" alternative than having to make the difficult journey through guilt and self-forgiveness.

 

Possibly?

 

That was not the reason for my bitterness. I think it was the resukt of being used and abused one too many times. Here I was trying to create a better life for us and being a faithful and loving husband and all I got was royally screwed. The last couple of months were so bad that I felt I could not do anything right. She treated worse than a piece of crap and after the divorce when my lawyer got me out of that marriage unscathed financially I was determined to never be a victim again.

[reservoirdog1]

I just got off the phone with my ex mother in law and she let me have it. She told me that if I did not break my ex wife's heart she would not have went nuts the way she did. She still loves me and she is heartbroken over the way I just tossed her aside when we had a little trouble in our marriage and feels that I should have been a man and fought for her.

 

It seems that the reason she turned to drugs and infidelity is that I was too busy trying to work towards a better life for us than I was being her lover and she had to numb the pain with drugs and she needed loving from somewhere else. Instead of divorcing her after catching her cheating I should have took it as a wakeup call and been the husband that could have saved our marriage.

 

Another thing she told me is that the shooting was just her way of saying she loves me. If she did not love me she would not have shown so much passion. When my wife and I ran into her in the supermarket it was like rubbing salt in an open would and it sent her over the edge. Now that she has a police record and is facing serious time she claims it is all my fault because if I loved my ex enough it would have motivated her to get herself together but just all men I chose to destroy a woman.

 

Is their any credibility to what she said to me?

 

God, what utter crap.

 

I echo the others. Regardless of how anything your XW did might have been a "cry for help" or an "expression of love" or some shyt, each of those actions was the product of HER CHOICES.

 

And her mother is simply unable to grasp the reality of the situation: that her cheating, drug-addled daughter brought this all on herself. That's a hard reality to have to accept -- but it's reality nonetheless.

 

Is there a reason you have to speak to your XMIL at all? If not, there's no reason her inability to accept reality should have any impact on your life at all.

 

Screw flowers... next time, show your beloved how passionate you REALLY are about them. Shoot them.

[alphamale]

why are you talking with your ex-mother in law anyways??

[Woggle]

She called me begging me to hear her out and I did. It won't be a thing that happens every time but I was willing to hear her this one time. Basically her daughter is screwed. They caught her on security tape robbing the place plus there are a couple of witnesses who say that her boyfriend actually had to talk her out of shooting the guy behind the counter. Add the fact that she already has a violent prior plus they found bricks of cocaine in her car and is up a creek. She can't weasel out of this and her mother wants to know where it all went wrong and things I could have saved her.

[Ronni_W]

That was not the reason for my bitterness. I think it was the resukt of being used and abused one too many times. Here I was trying to create a better life for us and being a faithful and loving husband and all I got was royally screwed. The last couple of months were so bad that I felt I could not do anything right. She treated worse than a piece of crap and after the divorce when my lawyer got me out of that marriage unscathed financially I was determined to never be a victim again.

Sorry Wogs, but you still are a victim because that is how you're still seeing yourself (in your former life.) "I was used and abused", "I was just doing my best", "I got royally screwed" -- those are victim sentiments / coming from a victim mentality that still exists within you to this very today.

 

Current day, when you look back, you're still totally owning the role of victim in that marriage. Your bitterness hasn't yet and isn't going to change how you see yourself. At this point, your victimhood is still alive and well in your mind...your bitterness has done nothing to change this bit about yourself.

 

[so] Despite your current belief, 'bitterness' doesn't really offer you genuine or trustworthy protection against you acting like a doormat next time. Having enough self-love, self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence to set and maintain firm, clear, healthy, self-affirming boundaries does.

 

I get that you took care of the financial-material side of things, or did your very best to do so. But the missing piece is that, during your marriage, you were also neglectful of your wife's other needs...for emotional closeness, companionship, intimate communications, active social life, co-parenting efforts...whatever were her actual needs that you were too busy to attend to, that were also part of your role as husband and partner.

 

It's nothing to beat-up on yourself about. It is what it is. But bitterness and a victim mindset ain't gonna change it, either. Those are not healthy-positive replacements for owning the other behaviour that you also engaged in, during that marriage.

Edited April 16, 2010 by Ronni_W