Am I to blame for my ex's downward spiral?

[Ariadne]

her boyfriend actually had to talk her out of shooting the guy behind the counter. Add the fact that she already has a violent..

 

Ah, is like she wants to shoot someone.

[Ariadne]

Is your wife afraid of her Woggle?

[Woggle]

Is your wife afraid of her Woggle?

 

Not now but my wife utterly despises her.

[mark982]

prior felon with a gun, robbing someone with a gun, w/ keys of coke in her car. club fed for a long time. there aren't any more armed family members are there? christ she's shooting at you, cause she loves you. thank god you didn't make the hate list.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I just got off the phone with my ex mother in law and she let me have it. She told me that if I did not break my ex wife's heart she would not have went nuts the way she did. She still loves me and she is heartbroken over the way I just tossed her aside when we had a little trouble in our marriage and feels that I should have been a man and fought for her.

 

It seems that the reason she turned to drugs and infidelity is that I was too busy trying to work towards a better life for us than I was being her lover and she had to numb the pain with drugs and she needed loving from somewhere else. Instead of divorcing her after catching her cheating I should have took it as a wakeup call and been the husband that could have saved our marriage.

 

Another thing she told me is that the shooting was just her way of saying she loves me. If she did not love me she would not have shown so much passion. When my wife and I ran into her in the supermarket it was like rubbing salt in an open would and it sent her over the edge. Now that she has a police record and is facing serious time she claims it is all my fault because if I loved my ex enough it would have motivated her to get herself together but just all men I chose to destroy a woman.

 

Is their any credibility to what she said to me?

 

Look first and foremost, your ex has free will, your ex MIL, has no idea of the type of woman her daughter has become and she's looking for a scapegoat simple as that!!!

 

I would have just hung up on the bitch...

 

Your ex had issues. deep issues, serious issues. And none of them was YOUR fault, she should have gotten help for her issues.

 

And from what you wrote she broke your heat first. And the MIL wanted you to ignore what the ex was doing and pay attention to her, like there wouldn't be consequences to her actions? WTF, where's the accountability for one's self???

 

Your Ex-MIL is an idiot. If you got hit with a bullet when she pulled the drive by it would have been attempted murder!!! then what?!!! is you still to blame?

 

Erase the dumb bitch's number and ignore her dumbazz, its not worth your time. Like i said she's looking for a scapegoat. her daughter has to pay for what she's done, she is no longer your problem and anyone with half a brain and common sense that looks at the entire situation objectively would have seen that the ex-wife was dead wrong!!!

[Full Moon]

All I want to say is that your wife is a trooper-seriously, she must be heaven sent-for sticking by a man whose ex-wife shot at her. OMG.

[NoIDidn't]

Your ex-MIL has some serious issues herself to call you with this BS.

 

I think you know next time to not take her calls. Regardless of what she thinks is so important.

 

She raised a truly messed up individual. Fighting for her daughter would have only further destroyed you and whatever feelings self-respect and self-preservation you may have had.

 

I can't believe she shot at you and your now-W. That's ridiculous. Normal people, even hurt and rejected, don't do that. Heck, even crazy people (I'm related to quite a few) don't do that - unless they are already violent.

 

Your ex is screwed up because of people like her Mom, not because of you. You might not have been the perfect H, but you didn't screw her up, her Family of Origin did that.

[2sunny]

She called me begging me to hear her out and I did. It won't be a thing that happens every time but I was willing to hear her this one time. Basically her daughter is screwed. They caught her on security tape robbing the place plus there are a couple of witnesses who say that her boyfriend actually had to talk her out of shooting the guy behind the counter. Add the fact that she already has a violent prior plus they found bricks of cocaine in her car and is up a creek. She can't weasel out of this and her mother wants to know where it all went wrong and things I could have saved her.

 

this is your xMIL trying to place blame where it shouldn't be. the responsibility lies with you exW.

 

you cannot save anyone - especially i they aren't willing to even help themselves, which she isn't.

 

the xMIL feels guilty and wants to blame someone besides herself or her daughter so she dumped it on you.

 

do not be THAT dumping ground. it's history. end of story. move forward. there is never reason to ever speak to her again... i give you permission Wog to cut her (both of them) out of your life forever.

 

your current wife hates her because of all the negative energy you spend on the xW. let that go. it's over.

 

be kind and loving to your new wife. be everything to her that you wish a good man to be. it will bring you a new sense of happiness to live without the negative cloud.

 

know that this wife is completely different and comes with a new sense of happiness, a new sense of being...

 

start fresh every day with a commitment to weed the garden and start fresh so that new growth has room to bloom in your marriage.

[Woggle]

I know this is a bit unrelated but I have noticed that ever since this latest incident happened that I have been feeling a lot less bitter towards women. I don't why but maybe it is because that chapter of my life is finally closed. It's sad that it had to end like this but she did it to herself.

 

Now that I think about it I am not even angry about this call when even a year ago it would have triggered some misogynist rant. I just see what a messed up family it is. The sad thing is that her sister is the only sane one in the family. She is an educated and successful woman with a great marriage and they treat her like the outcast who thinks she is better than everybody else. My ex MIL makes excuse after excuse for my ex but her other daughter who is a success in life can't do anything right. I should have listened to her when she told me not to go through with the wedding. She never once blamed me for anything and I do wish her a happy life.

[D-Lish]

Is their any credibility to what she said to me?

 

Lol, what do you think?

 

I think your ex was a trainwreck waiting to happen. Most likely, her mother played a much bigger role in what she has become than you have.

 

You are not responsible for her problems, she is. I know you know that.

 

My mother hates every ex bf that broke my heart too- regardless of the fact that I played a role in the demise of many of those relationships.

[Ronni_W]

I have been feeling a lot less bitter towards women.

:bunny: :bunny:

 

Big bunch o' gratitude to your (dysfunctional) former mother-in-law, for helping to facilitate you towards your NEW, wonderful, happy and successful life and marriage! Yes?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just see what a messed up family it is.

 

The way I see it, her f*cked up family is as much to blame as she is.

 

But you? All you were doing was what you were supposed to be doing, and that f*cked up family is blaming you because it is easier than blaming themselves for her f*cked up upbringing that THEY were responsible for.

[Woggle]

:bunny: :bunny:

 

Big bunch o' gratitude to your (dysfunctional) former mother-in-law, for helping to facilitate you towards your NEW, wonderful, happy and successful life and marriage! Yes?

 

It's not just this. I just know that I went too far to the other extreme. I was a doormat then became a woman hater and now I am falling somewhere in the middle.

[Ronni_W]

I was a doormat then became a woman hater and now I am falling somewhere in the middle.

Welcome back to The Middle!

Here, we try to live in 'peace and harmony' -- without guilt, blame or resentment -- and sometimes we even succeed.

Wishing you much success!

[alphamale]

She called me begging me to hear her out and I did. It won't be a thing that happens every time but I was willing to hear her this one time. Basically her daughter is screwed. They caught her on security tape robbing the place plus there are a couple of witnesses who say that her boyfriend actually had to talk her out of shooting the guy behind the counter. Add the fact that she already has a violent prior plus they found bricks of cocaine in her car and is up a creek. She can't weasel out of this and her mother wants to know where it all went wrong and things I could have saved her.

well don't take any more calls from your ex-MIL again, this should teach you a lesson

[Woggle]

well don't take any more calls from your ex-MIL again, this should teach you a lesson

 

You are right.

[alphamale]

You are right.

indeed. once you're legally divorced you are no longer required to talk to her or her family

[silverfish]

I know this is a bit unrelated but I have noticed that ever since this latest incident happened that I have been feeling a lot less bitter towards women. I don't why but maybe it is because that chapter of my life is finally closed. It's sad that it had to end like this but she did it to herself.

 

Now that I think about it I am not even angry about this call when even a year ago it would have triggered some misogynist rant. I just see what a messed up family it is. The sad thing is that her sister is the only sane one in the family. She is an educated and successful woman with a great marriage and they treat her like the outcast who thinks she is better than everybody else. My ex MIL makes excuse after excuse for my ex but her other daughter who is a success in life can't do anything right. I should have listened to her when she told me not to go through with the wedding. She never once blamed me for anything and I do wish her a happy life.

 

Woggle if everything you ar saying is true then you are lucky to have your W and Lucky to be finally coming out of the other side if this. You must have been in shock after what happened... being shot at and thinking you might die is pretty serious..from what you wrote before it you sounded depressed and maybe a bit paraniod.

 

I don't know why you talked to your ex MIL but I can understand it -- I talk to my ex's family sometimes....they don't give a **** about me or our kids though...its always about my ex and his problems and so on.

 

Your W obviously loves you. She sounds like she's very protective of you and has complete faith in you. If you met a woman with a crazy ex like yours you might have doubts yourself, but your W has supported you and stood by you through all this. You hve no reason to doubt that she loves you. Are you scared she might want more from you?

 

You sound like you want to move on and say you are in the 'middle ground' but this is unknown territory for you...can you consider going for therapy while you are feeling like this

[Woggle]

I am looking for a good therapist right now. It's hard to give up what has been my defense for the past few years without feeling vulnerable but I know this anger is doing no good either. I know I would have never put up with what I did in my first marriage so the next step is learning how to deal with a good relationship with a woman which is a new thing for me in recent years.

 

I don't know why I took her call but she asked for a few minutes and it turned into an hour. It felt like I was being held hostage in the phone. I guess I can understand not wanting to accept what your child has done with her life and looking for somebody to blame.

[2sunny]

 

I don't know why I took her call but she asked for a few minutes and it turned into an hour. It felt like I was being held hostage in the phone. I guess I can understand not wanting to accept what your child has done with her life and looking for somebody to blame.

 

you can understand that but that doesn't need you need to participate in a conversation that wants to place blame everywhere but where it belongs - which is with your exW. because they have never made HER accountable for HER bad behavior, they are left feeling that it's not hers to fix. it's backwards in life when everyone is taking responsibility or blame except the person who created the messes. it's the exW's and hers only.

 

next time (if there ever is a next time) simple shut down the conversation by telling her as soon as she starts talking... "thanks for telling me." then immediately end the conversation.

[Ronni_W]

I am looking for a good therapist right now. It's hard to give up what has been my defense for the past few years without feeling vulnerable but I know this anger is doing no good either.

Best of luck finding a therapist. In the meantime, there are some good books out there, that can help you regain your true power (not have to depend on "defensive plays") and gain insight into...well, yourself.

~ For a cognitive-behaviour approach: 'Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda' by Freeman and DeWolf.

~ For transactional analysis perspective: 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne.

~ All about boundaries: 'Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin' and 'Where to Draw the Line', both by Anne Katherine.

~ Claiming real power: 'The Art of Power' by Thich Nhat Hanh, and 'Ruling Your World' by Sakyong Mipham

 

If I may suggest, rather than think in terms of "giving up" your defenses -- cos thinking that way will necessarily leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed -- perhaps start wondering about what types of strategies will serve you (and your loved ones) EVEN BETTER than any 'defenses'. So, it becomes about being prepared and proactive, as well as "replacing and improving" whatever protections are necessary...and our ego-logical minds feel much safer and happier with that.

 

Other books you may want to browse:

~ By Gay Hendricks, 'The Conscious Heart', as well as 'The Ten-Second Miracle'

~ By Harville Hendrix, 'Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationship by Letting Yourself Be Loved'

 

Okay -- last thing, I promise.

Maybe give up on thinking and talking about your ex-wife, former mother-in-law, and crappy old experiences? Stop trying to figure any of them out; stop defending and making excuses for them or yourself; just let it all be.

Thinking and talking about it is just going to keep you stuck back there. But it's OVER, right? Long past. So it also has to be that the thinking and talking has to be over. That's an important part of the "moving forward" process.

 

I'm happy for you, Woggle. Please ignore/reject any and all above that does not feel comfortable and right for you.

Edited April 19, 2010 by Ronni_W
spelling

[phineas]

why do you even answer the phone?

seriously.

 

I only give out my cell number.

If I don't recognize the number, I don't answer.

 

it makes my life so very simple.

[Woggle]

why do you even answer the phone?

seriously.

 

I only give out my cell number.

If I don't recognize the number, I don't answer.

 

it makes my life so very simple.

 

I thought I owed it to her because as stupid as this sounds there is actually a part of me that does feel guilty about the whole thing. I don't know why but back in 2001 I could have never imagined things turning out like this.