She said she does not love me and wants to leave - HELP!

[Freddy]

My finace and I have been together and lived together for 6 years. We started as best friends and shortly confessed our love to each other. Almost immediately after that we started living together. I asked her over a dozen times to merry me, but for one reason or another it always got postponed. We went through a lot of hard times together, and somewhere along the way our love started to cool off. Sex became rare between us, admittingly, due to my fault.

 

I was first to cheat on her. Once she found out, I confessed, we talked, and although I was ready to leave out of guilt, she said that she had forgiven me and that we should go on with our lives. That was two years ago. I stayed true to her since. But I also never changed some of my negative behaviors, such as negative attitude, not paying attention to her, or participating in social events.

 

About 3 months ago she started going out and staying out a lot. She finally confessed that she had started an affair with a cop. We talked and finally she told me that although she feels love toward me, it is not a romantic love. She loves me for my friendship and out history, but she has developed feelings for her new flame.

 

During this time I have made a lot of changes in me as well. Before I found out about her affair I had realized how important she was in my life and how insanely I love her. I had changed my attitudes and behaviors positively. She does not beleive this and thinks that I am putting up a front!

 

Now she wants to leave, and I am desperately trying to keep her. I have proposed to her, talked to her, told her that I love her, and even begged her to stay. We even had sex a few times, but she still thinks that the chemistry is no longer there.

 

What should I do? How can I convince her to stay with me and give it a chance? I tell her that we have all teh essential ingrediants, and if we give it time and put our mind and hearst to it, love will develop, but she refuses to accept it. Can I be helped?

 

Thanks;

[SoleMate]

How can I convince her to stay with me and give it a chance? I tell her that we have all the essential ingredients, and if we give it time and put our mind and hearts to it, love will develop...

Give it time????? You already gave it six years!

 

I'm not sure what there is to save. You sound just...scared...because she wants to leave. Can you tell me WHY you want this relationship to continue?

[jmargel]

Why would she have sex with you, if she wants to be w/ another guy? Sounds like she was just using you for sex at that moment. I feel bad for that 'cop' (not to upset you), but I doubt he knows about you.

 

Sounds like she has reached her point of frustration. There were reasons WHY she didn't want to marry you, and its those reasons you listed above. There's nothing anyone here can say to make her come back to you. Wish we could. What you need to do is start working on yourself, FOR yourself. Improve on the things that made you so leery to be with. Set short-term goals for yourself, and start doing things that make you happy. Once she truly sees this, perhaps she might want to come back. Her thinking is now, the only reason why you are doing this is to get her back, but you'll change back if she does.

 

If someone put up with that for 6 years, and she's found someone else to actually pays attention to her, loves her, etc.. I don't see why she wouldnt leave you. If you were in her shoes, wouldn't you do the same?

 

Its frightening to be without someone you love, and have spent all this time with them. When my ex-fiancee left after 5 years, I was devestated. Came to the point where I had my suicide planned.

 

Anyway, don't do anything stupid. You pleaded your case with her, and sounds like she isn't going to budge. Try not to have that kind of contact with her anymore, that'll just scare her even more away. When you do talk to her, talk to her the way you used to when you two first met.

[fnouri]

Thank you both SoleMate and jmargel for replying. I guess I am so crushed that I can't think clearly. Why do I want her back? Because I love her like I have never loved before. We have a very deep friendship, and I feel so sad and lost with her. May be I am scared, but I never had any problems finding a girlfriend, so what am I scared of?

 

The six years we gave it was really hard times, mixed with my mistake (cheating) and hers (cheating too). Somehow I had forced myself to beleive that we can wash all of it away and start new. But now I am a little more in touch with reality.

 

Thanks jmargel also for your advise. You are right, everytime I talk to her about it, she gets farther away. I found out that she fell for a married man, who had a child only in August! So the guilt is playing on her a lot, although she said that she blocks it when she is with him. I started thinking, do I really want a woman with these values in my life?

 

Deep down, to be honest, I wish that she breaks off with him and start with me again. I know, that is stupid!

 

Thank you again, you have been a great help.

[jmargel]

Well if she does let her make that decision on her own. If she were to come back to you, your best step would be to get couple's counciling. That's the only way to deal with a situation like this. No one on here would be able to help the both of you as a couple like a professional would.

 

In the mean time now is your time to enjoy things in life. Do things that you wouldn't or couldn't do while with her. I know that it may be hard, but if she were to come back you could have looked at this as a mini-vacation in some ways. If this other guy is married & still with his wife, then I doubt your gf & him will last.

 

But think long & hard on whether you want to be with someone who's done this. He just didn't pop into her life, something was going on while you two were together. Is this the guy who was married, the cop?

 

Anyway when you start to miss her & start thinking of the good times you had you need to force yourself to think of all the bad times & all the hurt you were put through. This does help. Sometimes when a couple is broken up for so long, the other tends to forgets how much it hurt when some of the things were done to them & tend to focus only on the good times. This isn't good, especially when a couple has just ended things.

 

Hope everything works out for ya. Hang in there, it'll get better

[heartburn]

Hey, what wrong with the sex! Enjoy it man, while you can! Love comes, love goes. Nothing guranteed!

[fnouri]

Let me tell you all, that I spent 70 bucks getting this manual. It is called Stop Divorce. So I figured, OK, I am not married, but my fiance is leaving me( you can read about my sob story in this forum) and I can try some stuff from this manual. Well, all that I read was two things. First, even if it hurts, let it go. The manual say that agree with your mate completely, then simply tell them they can go if they want to, and magically, they stay and fall in love with you again. I say B... S...!

 

The other advice is to lie as much as possible! The author calls it white lies, but you know, lie is lie! It does say that if you talk and analyze, if you say you are a changed man (or woman), or if you tell them you love them it will make matters worse, which in my experience it is true!

 

One funny thing, one of his advise is to offer cold cash for them to stay, for example, say "I will give you 50 thousand free and clear if you stay with me! Can you beleive that?

 

All you need is God. Trust in him, give control of your life to him, and you will be fine.

 

Read my next post, it is interesting.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by fnouri

One funny thing, one of his advise is to offer cold cash for them to stay, for example, say "I will give you 50 thousand free and clear if you stay with me! Can you beleive that?

Oh my gawd, are you serious?

 

How can money be "free and clear" if obvious unbuyable stipulations are involved?

 

Where does one get 50 grand cash? (Maybe from writing a book filled with bad advice)