Brother's Marriage in Deep Trouble

[sumdude]

I didn't know where to really post this because there are multiple issues involved. I got a call from my sister in law yesterday. She didn't know who else to talk to. I thought things between them had gotten better because I hadn't heard anything for a while. He's 50, she's 42 and they have two beautiful little girls of 11 and 12. She must be near the end of the last knot of her rope to call me with this.

 

I've seen my brother going down the path I went before my marriage ended. He's gained a lot of weight, he's been drinking too much. He's generally depressed, unhappy and angry. Difference is that I wasn't the angry type. He's had anger management issues in the past. I remember him and my sister getting into raging fights when I was growing up. Though he hasn't physically hurt anyone in his family he's really starting to scare the c**p out of my sister in law.

 

I know the vicious cycle they must be in. Resentments, bad communication. She probably doesn't want him sexually anymore which feeds his fears more and brings even more anger out. My parents passed away in the last few years and I went through my divorce. All of this I'm sure has added to his plate of emotions which he's never been the type to deal with.

 

I feel like there must be something I can do. Only advice I could give her was that she needed to seek some sort of counseling for herself. I don't know if I should confront my brother. For one thing he's the eldest and I don't know if he would deal well with little brother coming to him this way. He's the proud, I know everything type. The other problem could be that if he finds out his wife was talking to me, I talk to him it could backfire on her.

 

Is the drinking the issue or the symptom of deeper issues. Boy, that's a chicken/egg thing isn't it? Knowing my own battle with alcohol, my parents as well as my sisters there's obviously a family history there.

 

I feel at a loss right now. I also have to admit it's brought back some of the feelings I went through. My family just isn't getting any breaks this decade...

[alphamale]

Is the drinking the issue or the symptom of deeper issues.

your brother should be screened for depression or some other mental illness.

[You Go Girl]

Alcohol abuse is NOT part of my family's history. Yet, I married an alcoholic, and my younger sister married a man that abused alcohol for the last several years, can't say that he is definitely alcoholic.

She called the cops on him after he pushed her down and poured a beer on her head. Now maybe as physical abuse goes, that's a lesser offense. Yet, isn't it better to nip it in the bud?

He was getting more and more emotionally abusive during the last year. Now she's definitely part of that equation.

But...he was out of control, and out of line.

 

So what's the answer? Alcoholics abuse it because they self-medicate. Abusers of alcohol are on the same path, just not full blown alcoholics yet.

In otherwords--your brother is trying to mask his feelings, change his feelings, and deal with his feelings by pretending he's a mental health doctor, and believe me, none of them would perscribe alcohol as a method to deal with life.

Call your brother. It's time he recognized you on equal footing as an adult. She called you for help--and I bet she definitely wants you to talk to your brother, else she would call somebody else, not you.

If he lashes out at you for any reason--simply say that you are concerned and want to help if you can.

Let it go at that. If he starts getting abusive toward you on the phone--he's transferring his anger, and don't take it personally.

Most of us hate wake-up calls.

[2sunny]

unless the alcohol is eliminated there is no way to know for sure what the true baseline is for him.

 

the top two symptoms of alcoholism are anxiety and depression... sound familiar?

 

so you eliminate the alcohol and treat it with abstinence to find what really is at the heart of the matter for him.

 

AA can help if he's willing to do some hard work to find out what the root of his pain is... if he does what's required in the program.

[sumdude]

I'm thinking the best I can do to start is open a line of communication with him. We don't talk very often so I'm going to make a point of calling him since he almost never calls me. I don't want to confront him just yet. I know enough that I don't want to put him in a defensive frame of mind. If he feels like "Oh now I'm getting from my brother." he'll probably retreat even more.

[Ronni_W]

I'm thinking the best I can do to start is open a line of communication with him.

I gotta agree with you on that -- sounds like a sane and reasonable thing to do.

You might also consider revealing more about your own experiences and the feelings and fears you had, in general and more specifically. You could do a "thanks for listening" after such a conversation, and keep your fingers crossed that your own openness and honesty will help him feel more connected to you, and make it easier for him to share his own, similar or different, experiences.

Is the drinking the issue or the symptom of deeper issues.

The issue always develops first. The drinking and other addictive or maladaptive behaviour is to numb-out, mask the pain and helplessness, and give us back feelings of control (which anger does, and most effectively.) Our drinking, anger and weight gain are intended to help us ignore-deny the issues, in other words. Also gives others a different "problem" to focus on, so our real fears and issues stay hidden (in plain sight.)

[Gunny376]

I told myself that I was going to take a month or more break from LS.

 

But I had to post to this thread.

 

It took a lot for me to man up and seek help. It was with humiliation that I first walked into a psychologist office and said, "I need some help! I've got some problems?

 

Depression, Anxiety, institutionalized, PTSD just to name a few.

 

Got me on the Antidepressants and the anxiety pills. World of difference in attitude, perspective, just everything.

 

Boss told co-workers that I seemed to be comfortable in my own skin. I don't get as PO as I once did. I don't worry about anything, even though I've got the same problems and issues I had six months ago.

 

I sleep better, and sounder. I dream ~ happy dreams of happier times.

 

With that said? The physical affects of alcohol withdrawal? Have been one mother-trucker! Sweating in bed one minute, freezing the next, body aches and pains, joint aches, constipation ~ and I mean severe constipation.

 

But I'm more focused and concentrated. I would dare say I'm 60% to 70% of being me! The real me without the alcohol!

[floridapad]

Sumdude

 

I would not directly confront him on his own M. IMHO the best thing to do would be to open a line of communication as you said. Go grab a beer and start talking about YOUR relationship prior to the divorce. Since you are little brother he may be more sympathetic and keep his ear open if your are reminiscing on your situation and reinforcing the mistakes YOU made. I might even add a couple of fibs about your situation that directly pertain to him. Perhaps he will start relating to you a bit more and open up a bit. Let him bring up his own marriage and don't let him know that SIL contacted you.

[Cinnamon2000]

I got a call from my sister in law yesterday. She didn't know who else to talk to.

 

I hope the two of you don't get too close or intimate.

 

Yes, you need to open up the communication with him. Let him know that you had drinking problem and that it runs in the family and that he has drinking problem too. Time to get some professional help.

[sumdude]

I hope the two of you don't get too close or intimate.

 

Yes, you need to open up the communication with him. Let him know that you had drinking problem and that it runs in the family and that he has drinking problem too. Time to get some professional help.

 

Good God no! I could think of few things that would be more wrong. No way would I even consider anything like that with my brother's wife. I know that s*** happens sometimes and it just makes me :mad:

 

Sis in law called again to tell me things have improved and thanked me for listening to her venting. Either way I'm going to keep in better touch with my bro, he's never been one to communicate much and call me so I'll have to take the initiative. He already knows most of my story already but I'll bring it up lightly at times.

[Cinnamon2000]

Sis in law called again.

 

So, she called again, huh? You need to be careful, that's all I am saying.

 

What happened? Why have things improved? Did you talked to your brother?

 

Another thing you need to be aware of is that if she is not calling you, is she calling/confiding in another man?