Why people have extramaritial affiars

[kis]

I know there are many reasons But it seam to me most men have affiars because they just like women and most women have affiars because they are unhappy in thier marriage. what are your thoughts?

[wheelwright]

I know there are many reasons But it seam to me most men have affiars because they just like women and most women have affiars because they are unhappy in thier marriage. what are your thoughts?

 

Not sure it works like that.

 

Sex motivated As happen because of sex reasons I don't understand. That's not my bag so to speak.

 

EAs happen because people need to connect with others on a deep level. This can include sex or not, depending how people like to connect. Or guilt and circumstance. Or on degree of unbridled passion!

 

I'm sure you knew when you wrote this that's it's more complicated. So what are you really asking? If your AP was in it for the sex? If the potential discrepancy you point to will make sense of a failed EMA?

 

My xMOM was far more concerned with the lack of human intimacy in his M than the lack of sex. Even though he liked sex a lot.

 

But it's true he liked women.

 

Cheaters may be hard wired just to crave another. People (men or women) may fall in love and have an A. The possible reasons are longer then all the threads on LS.

[bentnotbroken]

I know there are many reasons But it seam to me most men have affiars because they just like women and most women have affiars because they are unhappy in thier marriage. what are your thoughts?

 

 

There are many excuses but no reason. Just the opposite, lack of reasoning.

[D-Lish]

Some people have affairs simply because they can.

[threebyfate]

IMO, there are three reasons why people have affairs:

1. Selfishness.
   
2. A lack of willpower and/or firm boundaries.
   
3. People who enjoy risk.
   

[jerbear]

I would add that sometimes the opportunity presents themselves.

 

Someone that normally won't pursue a relationship, however will do it to prove something.

[skylarblue]

I think it might be simpler to ask why don’t people have EMA…I’d say people have A either for sex (better/more or just wanting a different partner) or because they were lacking a significant connection or aspect in their M. It use be said that men mostly have A for sex and women for emotional bonds, but now I hear that it’s pretty much 50-50 for both sexes. In my case MM said he cheated because he was extremely physically attracted to me and wasn’t going pass on an opportunity that he’d never thought would happen. I don’t think he was “unhappy” in his M or with their sex life at the time, but I think he became unhappy with it after the A started. I think the majority of men would have an A if the opportunity and circumstances were right anyway.

[dprtman09]

I mean--GOOD LORD!!! Anyone who gets into these threads can find a million reasons people claim to have for affairs. Lack of reason is a good one. Inconsiderate louts (OM'S) who are single and prey on married women to get their jollies are another. Women who are indescribably "unhappy" in their marriages and have no ambition to solve the problem may be another. Let's not forget men who seem to have something to prove beyond their ability to be faithful to their wives. Inconsiderate "lout-ettes" who are single and don't really want commitment--yet another. All-in-all, it's about who cares about the promises given to whom. No one who has an affair has the right to justify it, but they do.

 

There is no reason to have an affair, just a reason to lack commitment.

[Samantha0905]

There are probably a multitude of REASONS. I love how some people latch onto one word and go into a frenzy... goodness!

 

Here's some of the reasons I've discovered from reading and articles:

 

excitement, adventure, novelty, curiosity, understanding, companionship, romance, love (yes, I said it), lust, sex, one night stand, attention, acknowledgment, revenge, escape, power, control, figuring out one is attracted to same sex partners, bisexuality, ending the marriage, societal reasons, thrill of the chase, sexual addiction, a feeling of entitlement, sadness/filling a void, etc.

 

Some of the things listed above may be somewhat reasonable to some, some may be somewhat unreasonable to some -- but they are reasons.

 

I had my own reasons to have an affair and felt some were reasonable and some were me simply being selfish. I imagine many people regret having affairs. Some may not.

 

Here's an interesting question and answer session from Time magazine:

 

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1820942,00.html

Edited April 19, 2010 by Samantha0905

[wheelwright]

There are probably a multitude of REASONS. I love how some people latch onto one word and go into a frenzy... goodness!

 

Here's some of the reasons I've discovered from reading and articles:

 

excitement, adventure, novelty, curiosity, understanding, companionship, romance, love (yes, I said it), lust, sex, one night stand, attention, acknowledgment, revenge, escape, power, control, figuring out one is attracted to same sex partners, bisexuality, ending the marriage, societal reasons, thrill of the chase, sexual addiction, a feeling of entitlement, sadness/filling a void, etc.

 

Some of the things listed above may be somewhat reasonable to some, some may be somewhat unreasonable to some -- but they are reasons.

 

I had my own reasons to have an affair and felt some were reasonable and some were me simply being selfish. I imagine many people regret having affairs. Some may not.

 

Here's an interesting question and answer session from Time magazine:

 

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1820942,00.html

 

Read the articles and enjoyed, thanks.

 

Reading your list of reasons. I think I had all those reasons (bar homosexuality) kicking around for years, but found it easy not to act on these impulses. It was the 'L' word that got me. No, not lust!

Edited April 19, 2010 by wheelwright
adding something

[troggleputty]

 

 

I had my own reasons to have an affair and felt some were reasonable and some were me simply being selfish.

 

What reasonable, non-selfish reasons did you have for your affair?

[ladydesigner]

I bolded my reasons

 

excitement, adventure, novelty, curiosity, understanding, companionship, romance, love (yes, I said it), lust, sex, one night stand, attention, acknowledgment, revenge, escape, power, control, figuring out one is attracted to same sex partners, bisexuality, ending the marriage, societal reasons, thrill of the chase, sexual addiction, a feeling of entitlement, sadness/filling a void, etc.

[BB07]

What reasonable, non-selfish reasons did you have for your affair?

 

You know she isn't going to answer you.

I've asked you before and I'll ask you again......what is your agenda with Samantha? Why do you insist on following her around here at LS? She obviously doesn't want your advice or your input, nor do a lot of other people. What you are doing is downright creepy. It's strange to me that you seem to thrive on posting in Samantha's threads. Why is it that you never post any personal details of your own? Perhaps something happened in your life and you are doing a transference of your own onto Samantha. Perhaps you need to get some help of your own.

Edited April 19, 2010 by BB07

[Samantha0905]

Read the articles and enjoyed, thanks.

 

Reading your list of reasons. I think I had all those reasons (bar homosexuality) kicking around for years, but found it easy not to act on these impulses. It was the 'L' word that got me. No, not lust!

 

You're welcome. LOL @ no not lust. I'm sure people tell you it was just that, but I do think a woman or man can come to truly love their AP.

 

I bolded my reasons

 

excitement, adventure, novelty, curiosity, understanding, companionship, romance, love (yes, I said it), lust, sex, one night stand, attention, acknowledgment, revenge, escape, power, control, figuring out one is attracted to same sex partners, bisexuality, ending the marriage, societal reasons, thrill of the chase, sexual addiction, a feeling of entitlement, sadness/filling a void, etc.

 

I think for me it was companionship -- oh, I should have added communication to that list -- good sex, acknowledgment, escape, sadness/filling a void. I'm sure there are others. I do think for me the love part came later, but I did grow to love my AP.

 

You know she isn't going to answer you.

I've asked you before and I'll ask you again......what is your agenda with Samantha? Why do you insist on following her around here at LS? She obviously doesn't want your advice or your input, nor do a lot of other people. What you are doing is downright creepy. It's strange to me that you seem to thrive on posting in Samantha's threads. Why is it that you never post any personal details of your own? Perhaps something happened in your life and you are doing a transference of your own onto Samantha. Perhaps you need to get some help of your own.

 

It really is getting extremely creepy. Glad I miss what he posts most of the time. It's bizarre to do what he's doing and is indicative of some sort of obsession. Good thing we're anonymous here or I would have already purchased a taser.

[Spark1111]

I bolded my reasons

 

excitement, adventure, novelty, curiosity, understanding, companionship, romance, love (yes, I said it), lust, sex, one night stand, attention, acknowledgment, revenge, escape, power, control, figuring out one is attracted to same sex partners, bisexuality, ending the marriage, societal reasons, thrill of the chase, sexual addiction, a feeling of entitlement, sadness/filling a void, etc.

 

WELL, who DOESN'T want any of the above mentioned in a relationship?????

 

Maybe the question should then be asked, if we all want the same things in a relationship, why do so MANY CHOOSE NOT to have an affair?

 

...just asking.....

[troggleputty]

WELL, who DOESN'T want any of the above mentioned in a relationship?????

 

Maybe the question should then be asked, if we all want the same things in a relationship, why do so MANY CHOOSE NOT to have an affair?

 

...just asking.....

 

 

Because they have integrity?

[troggleputty]

I bolded my reasons

 

excitement, adventure, novelty, curiosity, understanding, companionship, romance, love (yes, I said it), lust, sex, one night stand, attention, acknowledgment, revenge, escape, power, control, figuring out one is attracted to same sex partners, bisexuality, ending the marriage, societal reasons, thrill of the chase, sexual addiction, a feeling of entitlement, sadness/filling a void, etc.

 

 

I think to clarify the question somewhat, I would ask: "How did you determine that the sacrifice of a significant measure of your personal integrity was worth all of the above?" IOW, having had the affair, the person who had it may feel they have gained something, but haven't they lost something?

[SouthernSunshine]

I had an affair because I felt alone & bored in my relationship. My SO was always working, and when he was home, he was tired. He was so tired that he fell asleep in the movie theater one time. It was the movie, "The Hitcher", so it's not like it was a chick flick, something that he could have easily fallen asleep to. I was selfish.

[ladydesigner]

I think to clarify the question somewhat, I would ask: "How did you determine that the sacrifice of a significant measure of your personal integrity was worth all of the above?" IOW, having had the affair, the person who had it may feel they have gained something, but haven't they lost something?

 

It wasn't worth all of the above. I lost myself, a person of integrity to what I thought was gaining something (revenge) but I lost myself as well. Not sure if I will ever be that person again. I have learned a great lesson from this and realized just how selfish I had become. I do not like who I became and if I could have a redo I would have never had a revenge A. Unfortunately there is no start over button. I have to live with what I have done.

[Samantha0905]

It wasn't worth all of the above. I lost myself, a person of integrity to what I thought was gaining something (revenge) but I lost myself as well. Not sure if I will ever be that person again. I have learned a great lesson from this and realized just how selfish I had become. I do not like who I became and if I could have a redo I would have never had a revenge A. Unfortunately there is no start over button. I have to live with what I have done.

 

Yes, you do -- without lectures from others about what part of you was lost. I hope you don't spend too much time berating yourself and for goodness' sake, don't allow others here -- people you don't know from Adam -- to judge you.

 

I admire your posts.

[BB07]

One reason that people have affairs is they they marry the wrong person or they married for reasons that were wrong. Younger people tend to make the mistake of thinking.......oh it will be alright because I love them. It's a rude awakening when you find out that love alone......is NOT enough.

[confusedinkansas]

Personally - For me

It wasn't a conscious decision. Meaning, I did not set out to have an affair. It wasn't the GOAL at that time of my life.

It was just something that evolved. Took on a life of its own.

And as many of us know, we justify why we're doing what we're doing. In our minds, for the most part, it's not such a horrible thing (we tell ourselves). The selfishness, that we're doing something for ourselves.

 

It's an adrenaline rush. It's exciting. It's knowing that someone wants to be with you not because they HAVE to...but because they WANT to.

[Spark1111]

Some of the things we have discussed in MC:

 

Affairs do not just happen. One takes a million small steps to cross those boundaries over a period of time.

 

It feels good.

One feels entitled to feel good.

One begins to re-write the marital history to continue to have that feel good option.

One begins to distance themselves from their partner to be made to feel good by another.

One begins to keep the interactions secret from their partner to feel good with another.

One begins endless hours of planning and chatting to see the person making them feel good while keeping it secret from their partner.

One begins to justify keeping the secret from their partner to continue to see the person who makes them feel good.

 

It doesn't JUST HAPPEN, IMHO.

[BB07]

So what you're saying is that a person may have made a "wrong" choice in terms of who they decided to marry. That implies that they wish to rectify making the "wrong" choice.

 

I didn't imply anything, I simply gave my opinion as to ONE of the reasons as to why affairs happen

 

It seems to me that if one has married the "wrong" person or for "wrong" reasons, and wants to start doing things "right," and make the "right" choices, that's fine.

 

How does an affair constitute a correction of the original, wrong choice to get married?

 

An affair is not a correction......it's most likely another bad choice with another bad outcome.

 

You seem to be saying that the initial "wrong" choice of marital partner then justifies a second "wrong" choice to have an affair.

 

I said nothing of the kind......and don't put words out there that I didn't say.

 

That doesn't seem very logical. On the other hand if someone has shown poor judgment originally in getting married to the wrong person, it's unrealistic to expect them to necessarily be able to make "good" choices thereafter.

 

Therefore, while making a "wrong" choice to get married might logically justify termination of the marriage (i.e. divorce/correcting the "mistake"), it's not a "reason" for having an affair, which is simply another exercise of very poor judgment. It is a very good explanation for why the affair happened--the person who made the wrong choice to get married, and then made the choice to have an affair, is consistently showing bad judgment. It's easy to understand that a person who made one bad romantic decision (got married for the wrong reasons/to the wrong partner) would follow it up with another bad decision (having an affair).

 

Well we do agree on a couple of points you made, the reasons I gave, yes it should justify a divorce and again I never said it was justification for an affair

 

But "reason" implies some sort of logical thought process as to why the person would have the affair as a corrective measure for the original decision to get married to the wrong person/for the wrong reasons.

 

So what is that thought process? How does someone who has married the wrong person engage in a chain of reasoning which leads to the conclusion that having an affair is the correct choice? You haven't explained that reasoning process.

 

You are correct, I didn't explain it and it's irritating that you would try to explain it for me. Asking questions is fine, but your assumptions aren't.

 

 

 

 

 

OK, so getting married because you love someone, is not enough. And leads to a rude awakening. This still doesn't answer the question of what process of reasoning leads someone into an affair. By what chain of reasoning does a person who has an affair decide that having the affair is a way to correct the original "wrong" decision to get married?

 

In answer to your question......it's most likely another mistake added on to the original big mistake of marriage for the wrong reasons.

 

We'd all like to think that responsible adults get married for all the right reasons, love, compatibility and the maturity and insight to work out issues but in the real world that does not always happen. People get married for a lot of wrong reasons and some of them don't have an snowball's chance in hell of making it, right out of the gate. Marriage is hard enough for all the right reasons, throw some of those other (not good) reasons in there and you've got the makings of all kind of not good stuff happening, including affairs.

[Spark1111]

Another MC question:

 

How did you give yourself permission to enter the affair?

 

"I felt unloved, unappreciated, and unattended to."

 

And you expressed that to Spark?

 

"Well, no, not really. Just expressed my unhappiness with my life."

 

So, she was to blame for the unhappiness in YOUR life?"

 

"Well, no, not really."

 

So what did you communicate to Spark regarding the marriage, your unhappiness with her?

 

"Not enough I guess."

 

Okay. What plans did you make to fix your unhappiness in your life and in your marriage?

 

"I didn't."

 

WTF?