Why people have extramaritial affiars

[Dexter Morgan]

I know there are many reasons But it seam to me most men have affiars because they just like women and most women have affiars because they are unhappy in thier marriage. what are your thoughts?

 

so when a man has an affair, its because he is a selfish jerk.

 

when a woman has an affair.......its because her H is a selfish jerk

 

when women have affairs, there is "good" reason.........when men have them, they are just jerks.

[Spark1111]

This is actually probably pretty typical dialogue of many people who have affairs. If you look below the surface, there's a lack of self esteem. The behavior is totally self-destructive and self-defeating. It's the behavior of someone who doesn't really believe they're entitled to a healthy, happy relationship.

 

Unfortunately, of course, since they are married, their self-destructive behavior ALSO hurts their spouse.

 

In your spouse's case, he said he "felt" unloved, unappreciated, etc. But his "feelings" probably had no relationship with external reality. So his actions in having the affair created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

TP, this exchange is a perfect example of three characteristics of some who commit adultery:

 

1) Terrible communication skills

 

2) Conflict avoidance

 

3) Low self-esteem which often leads them to blame others (i.e. spouse)for their own unhappiness.

[Spark1111]

PS: So if you have low self-esteem, conflict avoidance issues, poor communication skills and a tendency to blame externals for your unhappiness, you are not only

 

a) prone to affairs

 

b) never truly happy witihin yourself, hence with others

 

c) will most likely NOT disclose your affair to your spouse to avoid conflict.

 

UNLESS FORCED TO

 

See the pattern here?

 

Everything else is justification, rationalization and blowing smoke, IMHO.

[joey66]

How about the most obvious reason - because you fell in love with someone else.

[Spark1111]

How about the most obvious reason - because you fell in love with someone else.

 

Then why is he still here with me??????

 

She was a single mom. I told him to go get her, if that is what he wanted. We'd split the money and kids amicably.

 

Apparently, it wasn't.

 

It wasn't developing feelings for someone else. As hurtful as that may have been, it was the lying and deception to continue the affair that destroyed my trust and faith in him.

 

Why not separate? Why not tell the truth to me if you are so in love with someone else?

[bentnotbroken]

How about the most obvious reason - because you fell in love with someone else.

 

 

Then leave and go be with the person you feel in love with. Don't stay with a spouse and lie to them. MOVE on. So it isn't very obvious to most people. GEL and OWoman, it was obvious, their MM left and became former MM, now husbands.

[secretlady76]

Originally Posted by joey66

How about the most obvious reason - because you fell in love with someone else.

 

 

Then leave and go be with the person you feel in love with. Don't stay with a spouse and lie to them. MOVE on. So it isn't very obvious to most people. GEL and OWoman, it was obvious, their MM left and became former MM, now husbands.

 

 

I think he's just talking from his own experience; obvious to him, not so obvious to other people. Guess it all depends on the situation. Me? er, went the same way, it was love, or at least it felt like love. I too was married. Awful situation, worse for the spouses. Awful.

Edited April 21, 2010 by secretlady76
didn't add quote

[joey66]

I think he's just talking from his own experience; obvious to him, not so obvious to other people. Guess it all depends on the situation. Me? er, went the same way, it was love, or at least it felt like love. I too was married. Awful situation, worse for the spouses. Awful.

 

Yes, that was my own experience. But I was just trying to propose one possible answer to the original question, "why people have extramarital affairs?" I don't claim it's the only answer.

 

I was not trying to address anyone's particular situation. I certainly was not trying to upset or offend. Very sorry.

 

I will say, however, that leaving the M is easier said than done, particularly when children are involved. I think it's rather uncommon to "split the money and kids amicably."

[secretlady76]

Yes, that was my own experience. But I was just trying to propose one possible answer to the original question, "why people have extramarital affairs?" I don't claim it's the only answer.

 

I was not trying to address anyone's particular situation. I certainly was not trying to upset or offend. Very sorry.

 

I will say, however, that leaving the M is easier said than done, particularly when children are involved. I think it's rather uncommon to "split the money and kids amicably."

 

Exactly. Yep, run off into the sunset, then wake up and realise not only are there spouses, but there are children and all the other things that go with it. So it's not so black and white to just waltz off with the MM/MW/OM/OW.

 

However, I can appreciate that every situation is different and of course different for the spouse who is having the affair and the spouse who isn't.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, that was my own experience. But I was just trying to propose one possible answer to the original question, "why people have extramarital affairs?" I don't claim it's the only answer.

 

I was not trying to address anyone's particular situation. I certainly was not trying to upset or offend. Very sorry.

 

I will say, however, that leaving the M is easier said than done, particularly when children are involved. I think it's rather uncommon to "split the money and kids amicably."

 

 

Why does it have to be amicably? For who's sake. The WS, the BS or the children? If you don't want to divorce then tell the BS so they have the same options and the same knowledge. And I don't think you offended anyone, certainly not me.

[JamesM]

IMO, there are three reasons (and not excuses).....

 

1. There is a lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage.

2. One partner seeks out variety.

3. The emotional connection is gone in the marriage.

 

These are reasons and not excuses. Whether we like it or not, we do have reasons for what we do. However, we also have a choice. We can choose a path that we know is not good for us despite our circumstances or we can choose the path that seems to provide the most immediate pleasure...even though it is not good for our long term welfare.

 

A book I read recently said that in the survey they conducted, most affairs (in fact, almost every one) had a lack of a good sex life. Now I know that this is only one survey, but I do think that this is a big reason why marriages fail ( the lack of a close sex life). When both partners enjoy a good closeness through sex, then it is harder to seek out another person.

 

Perhaps I am wrong. I do know that many women seek out an affair for the emotional closeness, but I do wonder if they would choose an affair if the sex life provided that emotional and physical closeness. It seems that those that do have a good sex life have a good physical enjoyment with sex but sex is not an expression of love between the two partners.

 

And yet there is no doubt that some (men in particular) seek out affairs as a way to experience sex with different women. I don't think that this is a large number, but it is a significant percentage.

 

If I were to seek out an affair, then it would be also with one of the reasons that TBF stated....a lack of will power. After so many years of a frustrating sex life, I would let my guard down while in a situation that could lead to an affair.

 

So..knowing that, I try to avoid all situations that seem to tempt that vulnerability.

 

I know (as I sit here now) that an affair will not happen because of the loss of an emotional connection by itself. My wife is my best friend. However, if the emotional connection becomes distant as the sexual connection is already weak, then the two combined may set me up for the "perfect storm."

 

Let's pray that this never happens.

[grogster]

IMO, there are three reasons (and not excuses).....

 

1. There is a lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage.

2. One partner seeks out variety.

3. The emotional connection is gone in the marriage.

 

These are reasons and not excuses. Whether we like it or not, we do have reasons for what we do. However, we also have a choice. We can choose a path that we know is not good for us despite our circumstances or we can choose the path that seems to provide the most immediate pleasure...even though it is not good for our long term welfare.

 

A book I read recently said that in the survey they conducted, most affairs (in fact, almost every one) had a lack of a good sex life. Now I know that this is only one survey, but I do think that this is a big reason why marriages fail ( the lack of a close sex life). When both partners enjoy a good closeness through sex, then it is harder to seek out another person.

 

Perhaps I am wrong. I do know that many women seek out an affair for the emotional closeness, but I do wonder if they would choose an affair if the sex life provided that emotional and physical closeness. It seems that those that do have a good sex life have a good physical enjoyment with sex but sex is not an expression of love between the two partners.

 

And yet there is no doubt that some (men in particular) seek out affairs as a way to experience sex with different women. I don't think that this is a large number, but it is a significant percentage.

 

If I were to seek out an affair, then it would be also with one of the reasons that TBF stated....a lack of will power. After so many years of a frustrating sex life, I would let my guard down while in a situation that could lead to an affair.

 

So..knowing that, I try to avoid all situations that seem to tempt that vulnerability.

 

I know (as I sit here now) that an affair will not happen because of the loss of an emotional connection by itself. My wife is my best friend. However, if the emotional connection becomes distant as the sexual connection is already weak, then the two combined may set me up for the "perfect storm."

 

Let's pray that this never happens.

 

Well said, James. You nailed it. Beautifully.

[Samantha0905]

IMO, there are three reasons (and not excuses).....

 

1. There is a lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage.

2. One partner seeks out variety.

3. The emotional connection is gone in the marriage.

 

These are reasons and not excuses. Whether we like it or not, we do have reasons for what we do. However, we also have a choice. We can choose a path that we know is not good for us despite our circumstances or we can choose the path that seems to provide the most immediate pleasure...even though it is not good for our long term welfare.

 

A book I read recently said that in the survey they conducted, most affairs (in fact, almost every one) had a lack of a good sex life. Now I know that this is only one survey, but I do think that this is a big reason why marriages fail ( the lack of a close sex life). When both partners enjoy a good closeness through sex, then it is harder to seek out another person.

 

Perhaps I am wrong. I do know that many women seek out an affair for the emotional closeness, but I do wonder if they would choose an affair if the sex life provided that emotional and physical closeness. It seems that those that do have a good sex life have a good physical enjoyment with sex but sex is not an expression of love between the two partners.

 

And yet there is no doubt that some (men in particular) seek out affairs as a way to experience sex with different women. I don't think that this is a large number, but it is a significant percentage.

 

If I were to seek out an affair, then it would be also with one of the reasons that TBF stated....a lack of will power. After so many years of a frustrating sex life, I would let my guard down while in a situation that could lead to an affair.

 

So..knowing that, I try to avoid all situations that seem to tempt that vulnerability.

 

I know (as I sit here now) that an affair will not happen because of the loss of an emotional connection by itself. My wife is my best friend. However, if the emotional connection becomes distant as the sexual connection is already weak, then the two combined may set me up for the "perfect storm."

 

Let's pray that this never happens.

 

This is a great post and definitely how I felt when I made the wrong choice to have an affair.

 

I pray that never happens to you also. It's so nice and such a blessing you feel your wife is your best friend. If you are having trouble with the sexual connection, I hope you two address it. I felt no intimacy in my relationship and no sexual attraction/enjoyment and it most definitely felt like it was the "perfect storm" -- combine that with both children moving out within a month of one another, planning my daughter's wedding and a beach house renovation -- and I was stressed out, unhappy, vulnerable and boom -- I caved and made the idiot choice.

 

 

As an aside, I do understand what people mean when they say they didn't plan to have an affair. I do agree it doesn't just happen -- but it is a culmination of a lot of choices which don't seem harmful in and of themselves, until a person has slipped so far into temptation they're sunk.

 

You're idea to stay away from tempting situations when one is vulnerable is definitely the smart way to go. My husband, who runs a large business, won't even have a business lunch with just him and another woman being present. He always takes a colleague.

 

I hope your situation works out for the best on the sexual front.

[joey66]

A book I read recently said that in the survey they conducted, most affairs (in fact, almost every one) had a lack of a good sex life. Now I know that this is only one survey, but I do think that this is a big reason why marriages fail ( the lack of a close sex life). When both partners enjoy a good closeness through sex, then it is harder to seek out another person.

 

I am only one person, but this was definitely not the case for me.

[Woggle]

Both men and women have the capability to be dishonest and foul. They cheat for the same reasons pretty much.

[Samantha0905]

^^^^^ I meant "your" idea in my post above. Too much internet posting.

[Dexter Morgan]

How about the most obvious reason - because you fell in love with someone else.

 

I think the most obvious reason is too many people can't handle "forsaking all others" and like the excitement of getting boned by a new face.

 

Too many fickle people out there.

[Dexter Morgan]

Exactly. Yep, run off into the sunset, then wake up and realise not only are there spouses, but there are children and all the other things that go with it. So it's not so black and white to just waltz off with the MM/MW/OM/OW.

 

they should have thought about beforehand. "children and all the other things that go with it" should have kept their butts at home.

[JAGeezer]

You can try to rationalize it all you like (both the cheaters and the cheated upon). You can prattle about loneliness, unmet needs, boredom, and any of a thousand other excuses.

 

It all comes down to someone making a personal choice to betray their vows.

 

If a marriage is in trouble work to fix it. If you can't fix it, get a divorce and then go shopping for your new lover. Don't tell the biggest lie of your life to your spouse, because once you do your word is virtually worthless. However cheaters love to put the cart before the horse.

 

Why? Good old fashioned "me first" greed coupled with a complete breakdown in personal integrity, assuming they had such to begin with.

 

JAG

[realworldexplorer]

In this life there are "givers" and there are "takers". Why one person is prone to one or the other is probably due to family of origin or the particular environment and experiences they had growing up. Or it could just be the way they are wired, who can know such a complex question with a million variables.

 

Cheaters always figure out to late that by not putting others first they cause a lot of irreversible damage that takes a life time to try and repair. It is a one way ticket to much suffering for many people. Many repentant cheaters figure this out and the lessons they learn are valuable and can make them stronger and better people. I read of some WS here on LS that have their eyes opened after the destructive fact. This is how people learn about complex life issues, they need to experience the realities themselves.

 

There are no real justifications for having an affair. All reasons made are really excuses to be selfish.The amount of suffering inflicted on innocent people is a heavy burden to carry and I will not take on that burden. People naturally don't want that burden either and they self delude, deny and rationalize to get the things that they percieve they need. Living with betrayal and lies and deception is a very painful existence and can easily be remedied by being true to your self, others and trying to put the needs of others before yourself. It is a true paradox that in always trying to satisfy the self, the self and others may suffer. Taking the focus off the self and trying to do the right things for others in our life we are able to forget our petty and insignificant human needs and find real peace.

[OWoman]

In this life there are "givers" and there are "takers". Why one person is prone to one or the other is probably due to family of origin or the particular environment and experiences they had growing up. Or it could just be the way they are wired, who can know such a complex question with a million variables.

 

Some MPs are givers. They give, and give, and give - and are usually M to takers, who take, and take, and take. And then, one day, the MP meets someone who gives... to them. Something new, unfamiliar, that at first throws them off balance - but they later come to enjoy. Because they've always been a giver, they don't know how to shift the balance in their M, to ask the BS to start giving, so that they can have some taking, too - things are just too hard-coded there to feel as if they could ever change. But because of their giving nature, and because of all their commitments, and the sense they have internalise (as a giver) of their obligations and their need to do right by them, they don't immediately leave that draining M... they stay, thinking they can somehow work it out, somehow not have to break it and break their commitment to being a good caretaker, provider, parent, etc. The taking causes them difficulty - they know it's "wrong"; but it feels good. They realise that this is what their BS has, and they wonder if it might be possible for them to be in a R which involves giving as well as taking.

 

Sometimes they stay stuck, unable to give up the A (and their chance to "take" a little), but bound by the duty of the M.

Sometimes they walk away from the A, sacrificing their own happiness because of the weight of their duty to the M.

Sometimes they break free from the M, and enjoy the R that the A develops into.

[Just a stone's throw]

OWoman - Very interesting post. A lot to think about in that context.