SP's coping log

[Star Gazer]

OK, I'm presently experiencing a bit of schadenfreude. There's this all-university art competition that Scott and I both applied for by submitting our videos. Only a select few videos are picked to be juried by people from outside the university (which happens later).

 

Originally I was thinking about not even submitting mine because I thought it wasn't good enough and I thought he'd blow me away and I'd end up feeling sh&jty. I've never entered a competition and barely had the nerve to do it. Throughout our relationship I'd felt inferior to him talent-wise.

 

I just checked the list and mine got in, while his didn't. I'm sure he saw my name on the list. Why is this ultra satisfying?

 

I missed this - that's awesome!! Hehehehehehe!!! (My interpretation of a devil laugh!)

[shadowplay]

WHY is this ultra satisfying ???? DUH, you KNOW why, cause you're better than that nancy boy in every way, and now he gets to rub his nose in it !

 

Relish this feeling, roll around in it, and let it comfort you when you feel the cravings for fag flesh and fresh humiliation !

 

"nancy boy"

 

"cravings for fag flesh and fresh humiliation..."

 

:lmao: You have a way with words, Melody.

[shadowplay]

I missed this - that's awesome!! Hehehehehehe!!! (My interpretation of a devil laugh!)

 

Thanks!

[threebyfate]

WHY is this ultra satisfying ???? DUH, you KNOW why, cause you're better than that nancy boy in every way, and now he gets to rub his nose in it !

 

Relish this feeling, roll around in it, and let it comfort you when you feel the cravings for fag flesh and fresh humiliation !

You da' woman!

[shadowplay]

I know it's silly but this schadenfreude thing is making me feel a lot more over him. I'm feeling tonight like, yeah, I can do a lot better than him (boyfriend wise) in every respect. First off somebody who reads and has more than half a brain.

Edited May 8, 2010 by shadowplay

[Kamille]

Totally and with reason SP! Congrats!

 

You said yourself one of the reason you struggled with this break up is because you admired him so much. And here. is. proof. that you, on you own, can do amazing work that gets noticed.

 

You're better than him Shadow. Not only that, you're outstanding on your own. You worked hard and it got rewarded. You might not feel you know what you're doing yet, but someone believes in you.

 

Congratulations again.

[Citizen Erased]

I know it's silly but this schadenfreude thing is making me feel a lot more over him. I'm feeling tonight like, yeah, I can do a lot better than him (boyfriend wise) in every respect. First off somebody who reads and has more than half a brain.

Strangely enough also what I wanted when I split with my ex. I'm not quite sure if 22 year old males are actually are capable of such a thing.

 

Congrats on the video. You don't even need to break NC to rub it in his face that you're better than him.

[shadowplay]

I found out I got an award and some money, but won’t know which award until later next week. What pissed me off is I was talking to this super bitchy professor who loves S and always seems to be annoyed by me. It came up that S’s video didn’t make the cut and she huffed, “It’s a tragedy!” She grumbled about how two of the external jurors were architects rather than arteeeeests, and they didn’t know what they were doing. I felt like she was trying to take away the accomplishment from me. Whatever.

Edited May 8, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I've barely felt the urge to contact him today. !

 

Here's a

that always helps me push through whatever I'm feeling at the present:

 

"The Ballad of El Goodo" by Big Star (1972):

 

Years ago, my heart was set to live, oh

But I've been trying hard against unbelievable odds

It gets so hard at times like now to hold on

My guns they're waiting to be stuck by

At my side is god

 

And there ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

 

There's people around who tell you that they know

The places where they send you, and it's easy to go

They'll zip you up and dress you down

Stand you in a row

But you know you don't have to

You can just say no

 

And there ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

 

I've been built up and trusted

Broke down and busted

But they'll get theirs and we'll get ours

If we can

Just, ah, hold on

Hold on

Hold on

Hold on

 

Years ago my heart was set to live, oh

But I've been trying hard against strong odds

It gets so hard at times like now to hold on

Well, I'll fall if i don't fight

And at my side is god

 

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Hold on

Hold on

Hold on

Hold on

[SadandConfusedWA]

I've barely felt the urge to contact him today. !

 

Here's a

that always helps me push through whatever I'm feeling at the present:

 

"The Ballad of El Goodo" by Big Star (1972):

 

Years ago, my heart was set to live, oh

But I've been trying hard against unbelievable odds

It gets so hard at times like now to hold on

My guns they're waiting to be stuck by

At my side is god

 

And there ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

 

There's people around who tell you that they know

The places where they send you, and it's easy to go

They'll zip you up and dress you down

Stand you in a row

But you know you don't have to

You can just say no

 

And there ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

 

I've been built up and trusted

Broke down and busted

But they'll get theirs and we'll get ours

If we can

Just, ah, hold on

Hold on

Hold on

Hold on

 

Years ago my heart was set to live, oh

But I've been trying hard against strong odds

It gets so hard at times like now to hold on

Well, I'll fall if i don't fight

And at my side is god

 

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Ain't no one gonna turn me 'round

Hold on

Hold on

Hold on

Hold on

 

Thanks for posting this song. I have it now stuck on repeat via youtube as I fight my own demons

[shadowplay]

Thanks for posting this song. I have it now stuck on repeat via youtube as I fight my own demons

 

I'm glad you enjoyed it! It's a really good song. Hey, if you ever want to chat about your own stuff feel free to PM me. You've been really helpful to me in my healing process.

[shadowplay]

I don't know why, but in the last few days I've increasingly felt over him. Today especially. Obviously I'm not totally over him, and I will probably have setbacks in the future...but I'm not feeling devastated anymore. And it's really starting to sink in that he's weak and kind of lame.

[Hot Carl]

How many times did you have sex with him this weekend?

[shadowplay]

Heard one of my favorite Beatles's

today and it totally captures how I now feel about him:

 

I'm looking through you, where did you go

I thought I knew you, what did I know

You don't look different, but you have changed

I'm looking through you, you're not the same

 

Your lips are moving, I cannot hear

Your voice is soothing, but the words aren't clear

You don't sound different, I've learned the game.

I'm looking through you, you're not the same

 

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?

Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

 

You're thinking of me, the same old way

You were above me, but not today

The only difference is you're down there

I'm looking through you, and you're nowhere

 

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?

Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

 

I'm looking through you, where did you go

I thought I knew you, what did I know

You don't look different, but you have changed

I'm looking through you, you're not the same

 

Yeah! Oh baby you changed!

Aah! I'm looking through you!

Yeah! I'm looking through you!

You changed, you changed, you changed!

 

[shadowplay]

OK this professor thing is really starting to tweak me. I went to the computer lab in the art building to print something out, and unfortunately S was there. I ignored him and sat on the other side of the room. That bitchy professor I mentioned earlier was talking to him about how it was such a tragedy that his piece didn't get selected and how it was one of the best things to come out of the video department in years (),and then how a lot of it was political because another professor wanted more of her students' work in there (though that didn't stop my piece from being selected)...and also that two of the outside jurors were architects so they clearly didn't know what they were doing in picking the best video.

 

WTF. She's really starting to get to me. I feel like she's trying to take away my accomplishment from me because her prized student was "robbed." Like she seemed resentful and annoyed when she saw me and wasn't congratulatory.

 

I mean I didn't think my piece was spectacular, but I honestly did think it was better than his from an objective standpoint, and it's really making me feel bad that she's doing this.

 

I'm her student too and she should be happy for me that I got an award rather than acting like a bratty child.

 

How do I not let this get to me?

Edited May 10, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

^Nevermind. I decided that prof is an idiot.

 

Anyway, I'm continuing to feel more over him. Not completely, but I'd say 70% of the way there. I have no clue what happened, but the change was sudden. I went from miserable to OK. Weird.

[shadowplay]

Back to feeling not over him, ugh. I don't know why it comes and goes. I don't know if NC is helping. I can't get over one of the last serious things he said to me. It keeps replaying in my head. He finally admitted that he decided it WAS something about me, and he didn't think it'd be an issue with other girls.

 

He said first off I'm not independent enough. There's some legitimacy to this, and it's something I'm working on in therapy. But when I asked him in what ways I wasn't independent he cited trivial things like the fact that he felt like if he didn't wake me up on certain mornings when we slept together, I might have missed class. WTF? First off that's not even true, and secondly it seems so petty. The second thing he mentioned is that I'm sometimes unintentionally rude to strangers. This is something I wasn't even aware of, but according to him sometimes my tone around strangers sounds rude (like with waiters, clerks or whatever). Again, had no clue this was an issue... For some reason this complaint in particular made me feel pretty awful. I think it's because I already feel so bad about how I come across to others and how little control I seem to have over it. I try hard to be friendly, but people always misinterpret my shyness. And it's also the fact that a rather superficial trait about me could be a deal breaker for somebody I trust. I worry that this will be a problem with anybody, and I don't know how to change it because I don't even know what I'm doing wrong to come across as rude.

 

It just sucks that someone who once told me he totally accepted me on a deep level would hold trivial stuff against me. I asked him if years from now I had gotten over these issues and he had gotten over his own if he'd want to be with me and he said no. I'm glad I haven't talked to him in over a week, but all these things keep running through my head. Sometimes I feel better. Sometimes they sneak back in my brain.

[shadowplay]

Right now it's hard for me to imagine ever being with another guy. Not because I want to be with him, but because I really foresee being hurt badly over and over. The issues I have that seem to turn guys off, that I'm not good with strangers or that I'm not independent enough, are things I've struggled with my whole life and never been able to completely change. I see some hope of getting more independent, but I don't know about my demeanor with other people. I've tried so hard to improve and apparently haven't had any success. I really believe that EVERY guy I get to know will eventually hold this against me, or worse, lead me to believe that they don't and then suddenly do an about face as my ex did. I don't trust any guy to accept me for who I am. I see a lot of value in myself, but other people don't seem to (well, except for some of the sweet people on LS). They seem to mostly focus on my flaws, and sometimes those flaws are pretty superficial (being socially awkward). With that in mind, I can't see myself having a successful relationship now or maybe ever. I am who I am. I just wish who I was was good enough for somebody.

Edited May 14, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

I don't think being rude to waiters, clerks, strangers, etc. is a trivial thing at all. It's an absolute deal breaker for me, as well as most people I know. In fact, I would never date someone who didn't actually demonstrate kindness to strangers.

 

You can't control how you're percieved, but you CAN control how you present yourself. So, make a conscious effort to be kind to strangers. You don't have to bend over backwards to be kind every time, and you should get a free pass to not always have to exude cheerfulness with such people, but you just can't have a rude attitude towards such people on a regular basis and have it be accepted.

[shadowplay]

I don't think being rude to waiters, clerks, strangers, etc. is a trivial thing at all. It's an absolute deal breaker for me, as well as most people I know. In fact, I would never date someone who didn't actually demonstrate kindness to strangers.

 

You can't control how you're percieved, but you CAN control how you present yourself. So, make a conscious effort to be kind to strangers. You don't have to bend over backwards to be kind every time, and you should get a free pass to not always have to exude cheerfulness with such people, but you just can't have a rude attitude towards such people on a regular basis and have it be accepted.

 

I get what you're saying. The thing is I try hard to be friendly to strangers, which is why it's weird. Usually people who are rude just don't care. But when I asked him how I was rude he said it wasn't anything specific, just something in my tone. So how do I change it if I don't even know what I'm doing wrong?

[Star Gazer]

I get what you're saying. The thing is I try hard to be friendly to strangers, which is why it's weird. Usually people who are rude just don't care. But when I asked him how I was rude he said it wasn't anything specific, just something in my tone. So how do I change it if I don't even know what I'm doing wrong?

 

Yeah, it's a conundrum! I've been told my FACE is sometimes rude, when I don't mean it to be or have any idea that I'm giving off a rude vibe... I'm VERY animated and would never be a good poker player, and could never get Botox because I would never be able to express myself.

 

Thing is, knowing the unintentional consequences of my instinctive facial expressions has helped me make sure that I act/say things in a way such that the cumulative message is clear. At first it felt like I was ovecompensating, but over time my habits changed.

 

I'm not saying you need to go above and beyond, but you CAN make a concerted effort to be kind. I mean, I know plenty of people who are very shy and/or socially awkward, and they still manage just fine. At the end of the day, you can tell a LOT about a person by how they treat 'the help,' so you should do all you can to male sure what people are seeing from you is a true reflection of who you are: a kindhearted person.

[shadowplay]

A few other gems from that conversation.

 

I asked him if he valued my intelligence. He said he did, but intelligence isn't hugely important to him in a partner, and he only values it in so far as "somebody's not dumb." He also kept saying to me that I think too much whenever I was just making a generic observation about something unrelated to us. (Like I made some comment about human nature when we were looking at photographs of people in an art book). I asked him if he valued reflectiveness and he said "not really." I then asked him how he could be a good artist without being reflective and he shrugged with one of his insipid smiles. Reading this I realize how lame he is, but his words still really stung. And it doesn't seem to be getting better with the NC. It was for a few days, but now I'm back to feeling down again. I don't understand my brain. I'll just keep NC and hope for the best. What else can I do.

[shadowplay]

Yeah, it's a conundrum! I've been told my FACE is sometimes rude, when I don't mean it to be or have any idea that I'm giving off a rude vibe... I'm VERY animated and would never be a good poker player, and could never get Botox because I would never be able to express myself.

 

Thing is, knowing the unintentional consequences of my instinctive facial expressions has helped me make sure that I act/say things in a way such that the cumulative message is clear. At first it felt like I was ovecompensating, but over time my habits changed.

 

I'm not saying you need to go above and beyond, but you CAN make a concerted effort to be kind. I mean, I know plenty of people who are very shy and/or socially awkward, and they still manage just fine. At the end of the day, you can tell a LOT about a person by how they treat 'the help,' so you should do all you can to male sure what people are seeing from you is a true reflection of who you are: a kindhearted person.

 

Yeah, I get the same sort of feedback from people. There seems to be a big difference between how I come across and how I feel. Even when I'm feeling warm or friendly people who don't know me often assume I'm aloof. I also think it may have something to do with my face. Maybe it's the shape of my features or the expressions I make. Whatever it is, it's frustrating as hell because I try so hard to project the opposite vibe.

[shadowplay]

One more funny thing I forgot to mention. About two weeks ago I was on the verge of tears and he said "Shadow, think happy thoughts! Think about your cats!" What a vapid, retarded and condescending thing to say to someone whose heart he broke.

[shadowplay]

I wish there were people in my life to replace the hole that he left. That's what makes this so hard. I've lost all respect for him, but it's hard to let go of the one person (nearby) with whom I had a connection.

 

I continue to do good things for myself, work hard in school, but that only goes so far. People need people. I know once I get over that hump of making a friend or two things will be a lot easier, but how do I get over that hump. Blah.