Trying an "open relationship" for her.. interesting situation, need input ...LONG

[CFM]

Thanks for the reply and different outlook.

 

I will say this - this girl should have left me a long time ago. The fact that I still have a chance to be with her alone is amazing. I was self destructive for a long time and she stood by me waiting for me to be myself again. She dealt with a roller coaster relationship for almost 3 years. She had opportunities to cheat on me, spend all of my money, and leave me high and dry. She had plenty of reason with some ways I was reacting - combat stress caused me to emotionally detach for a long time. She stood by my side, there for me in every way even when I didn't deserve her. She had other options for a long time. After so long of ups and downs she had to pull herself away a little, who wouldn't? Dealing with endless bull**** and drama will eventually cause that. I owe it to her to show her who I am, accept what she's done and tell her how I really feel face to face. I'm gonna go with my heart on this one, put my feelings on the line because she is a great girl and deserves it.

 

I think we can get past this and it will reinforce everything. It has lit a fire under my ass to be good to her and treat her the way she deserves. In a messed up way maybe it's what I needed.

 

14 days before I get home, just gotta make it then go from there.

 

Thanks for all of the advice here, it has kept me thinking. I've made up my mind that I'm going to trust her and trust our strength and see where it takes us. Worst case scenario I end up becoming a better man and realizing sometimes it just doesn't work. I'll give it 3 months for her to come back to me completely and if she's not game then I'll do my own thing.

[dreamingoftigers]

3 months is a tad long.

 

But good thinking, sorry for the "if you had some balls" comment.

 

Mad at someone else who coincidentally has no balls. LOL

 

I would totally give the chance but do not be surprised if she is pretty on the fence about the whole thing. Usually when a new partner gets in there, there is a LOT of ambivalence and confusion.

[CFM]

I have a good feeling things will come around once it's not over a stupid phone anymore. They always have - we'd have horrible fights with the distance then seeing each other would be amazing and refresh everything. While I have been very deep in my explanations for this situation, not every detail is noted. I really hadn't deserved her for probably the past two years. She should have left me and enjoyed herself. She kept trying when part of me gave up. I owe it to myself and her to be who I am and see if I can recover our love. Four years almost completely long distance is an insane feat.

 

I'll stay thinking objectively, I know what I want but I also won't play all my chips on it. I will keep myself in a good place to where I can move on effectively and "admit defeat" if it comes down to it.

 

No offense on the no balls comment. I'm a tough guy at times but admittedly I haven't always been honest with her and I look back on that and I really didn't have any balls. It takes a lot to be completely honest with someone, and that's something I need to do.

 

At least I know what I'm getting myself into and will be as ready as I can one way or another. Life without regrets is my new thing, and if I give it an honest shot then I don't think I will regret it as I would if I didn't.

 

Thanks again.

[cuppa]

I read this thread last night and I feel for you OP. Thank you for your service for this country.

 

I know it sucks but it seems that the relationship is beyond repair at the moment. It's very obvious that you are not cut that way, you are not OK with open relationship, and I think it's awesome that you are monogamous (and carry that to the next relationship).

 

You will hit some low points in your life I'm sure for the next weeks (or months). Hang in there buddy and be tough! You will find the one and you are very young still (and successful as you said). The sky is the limit.

 

Best Wishes!

[txsilkysmoothe]

CFM thank you for your service! I don't know how you guys carry the burden but I'm so glad that you do!

 

Like others, I'm very saddened by your story. I mostly feel like you should walk away. However, you may be able to get her back by giving their involvement some time to run its course and by finally being present to fully participate in the relationship.

 

I don't think women usually want "two" men at the same time. Maybe she really feels only a physical attraction toward this man and nothing more, but I doubt that. I wonder if she has, for the most part, chosen him but feels an obligation to go through with the plans you and she made to live together. I think you should tell her you're not holding her to the plan of living together and ask her straight up if she still wants to do that. Also, seeing him only is not the same as dating men just to know what dating is like. It seems she zeroed in on one man which leads me to think she has already developed feelings for him. If not, what happens when their deal blows over? Is she going to want a new man on the side?

 

I'm very sorry for your situation. Please try to put this out of your head right now and concentrate on staying safe.

[Rorschach]

I don't think women usually want "two" men at the same time. Maybe she really feels only a physical attraction toward this man and nothing more, but I doubt that. I wonder if she has, for the most part, chosen him but feels an obligation to go through with the plans you and she made to live together. I think you should tell her you're not holding her to the plan of living together and ask her straight up if she still wants to do that. Also, seeing him only is not the same as dating men just to know what dating is like. It seems she zeroed in on one man which leads me to think she has already developed feelings for him. If not, what happens when their deal blows over? Is she going to want a new man on the side?

 

This.

 

I don't think she's interesting in experiencing other men, I think she's interested in experience THIS other man. If she just wanted to have sex with a bunch of other guys to see what it's like she could just go do one night stands, but she seems to be starting a new relationship.

[CFM]

I don't think women usually want "two" men at the same time. Maybe she really feels only a physical attraction toward this man and nothing more, but I doubt that. I wonder if she has, for the most part, chosen him but feels an obligation to go through with the plans you and she made to live together. I think you should tell her you're not holding her to the plan of living together and ask her straight up if she still wants to do that. Also, seeing him only is not the same as dating men just to know what dating is like. It seems she zeroed in on one man which leads me to think she has already developed feelings for him. If not, what happens when their deal blows over? Is she going to want a new man on the side?

 

Thanks for your support.

 

I agree with what you've said. Well, her relationship with this guy kind of started when we were in a bad place. At the time me moving there and being together was kind of up in the air - and this is probably what scares me the most. At the time I know for a fact she figured I wasn't coming there and keeping her hopes up would just leave her open to getting hurt by me (again). She's a very emotional and caring girl - when she thought she was losing me she had an extremely hard time. A girl who's dealt with tons of crap and usually keeps herself together completely crumbled. I think she's scared of being that person again, and I think he's kind of her fall guy if I continue to disappoint. On the flip side, maybe you are right. But if she truly wants him more than me I can't imagine why she wouldn't just end it now, the opportunity would be perfect for her. The thing is too that their relationship long term isn't near as realistic. Like I said, he hasn't been involved in her "real" life, just the one where she pretty much throws all of her cares aside and enjoys herself.

 

I focused a little on that specific guy thing with her too. I asked her if I wanted her to stop seeing THIS guy and to find a new one how would she feel? Response wasn't really what I wanted to hear "I really like him and I'm picky and haven't met anyone else I'd want to do anything with". Like I said before, this guy knows about me, he knows we're dating and I told her she could do her thing right now. I don't think either of them expect it to last, she is just doing what she can before I get there and I think right now she's worried about being tied down with the person I had been for a long time. Am I looking at this the wrong way?

 

When I pretty much knew what they were doing last night I formed some questions for her to see what she would say. I asked some others to begin to see if she was completely truthful, and she was. I have no reason to believe otherwise. Once again, she admitted to all of this and could have easily lied about it so I like to think she isn't hiding anything from me.

 

I asked her;

Does he want you to break up with me? Her answer, no.

 

Does he want something more? Her answer, no.

 

Do you feel any real love for him, or all lust? Lust, no love, I can't love anyone else like I do you.

 

Do you see any kind of real future with him - him around in a year or two? Her answer, no. (he graduates from college in a year)

 

If I asked you to stop seeing him now, would you do it? *tricky one* Her answer, if you had good enough reason.

 

Lastly,

Do you want me to move there, live with you, and be your boyfriend and eventual husband still? Her answer, yes.

 

She has also promised me many times over now that if it becomes more than just about sex and having fun and strong feelings start, I expect her to end it. She has promised me that she will.

 

All but one of the responses I felt iffy on (the stop seeing him one). Though, it's kind of what I expected. She doesn't know what to expect with me right now and I need to prove myself. I've asked her more than once if she really wants me to live there and every time she has said yes, knowing full well that living together will really hinder her chances of spending time with anyone else and give her no real privacy with it. She's okay with that and wants us to work, but says she doesn't want to be completely tied down at such a young age and wants to be able to have fun while she can. Which, considering that we've dated since she was a junior in high school makes a lot of sense.

 

Still feel it a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation, but going to give it my best shot so that I can at least say I did.

Edited April 18, 2010 by CFM

[Pfiend101]

I couldn't put up with it and wouldn't. But I wish you the best of luck.

[CFM]

Well, we spoke again briefly. I told her we need to focus on us and she made it clear she won't stop seeing him for me right now. I've become second string and it's not acceptable - not after four years of commitment and literally being there for her through almost everything. It's also become pretty clear she just wants this guy in her life specifically by her using the "I want to experience other people" garbage and not wanting anyone other than him.. I should have seen right through that. He gives her the hassle/drama/strong emotional-free relationship she hasn't been able to have with me in a long time - yay for Iraq. Eventually it will become more though and he won't be there for her the way that I was.

 

I feel like an idiot for changing my mind so frequently, but I am tired of making excuses to allow her behavior. Fact of the matter is that I've been good to her the past few months and I don't deserve this. She's seen it and she knows what I want. She knows what I'm willing to do for her, and knows that I truly care. This other guy is pretty obviously just using her for sex, hardly more. I still talk to her frequently though, he doesn't have to deal with more than just the easy/simple her. In the end once she lays the person she is on him completely I am 99% sure he will jump ship. He's a typical college party full-time guy that just wants his fun, and their relationship doesn't even make sense to be anything more. I know deep down she wants a companion, someone who is there for her and someone who truly loves her. She has been like that for her whole life and I really don't think people up and change in a few months.

 

I've decided I'm pulling myself out of this scenario and going no contact until I get home. I don't know if 2 weeks is enough time for her to realize the mistake she is making, but maybe. I know eventually she will regret doing this and want me back, but I need to start considering other options. Like some said, I'm still young. I joined the Army when I was 19 fresh out of high school and it makes maintaining a "real" life amazingly hard. Getting out at 24 has me a little worried I'm not going to really fit into the typical college scene, but maybe I'm just over thinking and worrying about nothing. Seeing so many failed relationships with people around me has really just made me want to cling to something good and not let go. Seems all I do anymore is worry worry worry and beat myself up. Not talking at all will be easier than being there for her while she puts me second.

 

Thanks to you all again for shedding light on this for me. I need to stop making excuses and allowing myself to be hurt for someone who doesn't care.

Edited April 19, 2010 by CFM

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, we spoke again briefly. I told her we need to focus on us and she made it clear she won't stop seeing him for me right now. I've become second string and it's not acceptable - not after four years of commitment and literally being there for her through almost everything. It's also become pretty clear she just wants this guy in her life specifically by her using the "I want to experience other people" garbage and not wanting anyone other than him.. I should have seen right through that. He gives her the hassle/drama/strong emotional-free relationship she hasn't been able to have with me in a long time - yay for Iraq. Eventually it will become more though and he won't be there for her the way that I was.

 

I feel like an idiot for changing my mind so frequently, but I am tired of making excuses to allow her behavior. Fact of the matter is that I've been good to her the past few months and I don't deserve this. She's seen it and she knows what I want. She knows what I'm willing to do for her, and knows that I truly care. This other guy is pretty obviously just using her for sex, hardly more. I still talk to her frequently though, he doesn't have to deal with more than just the easy/simple her. In the end once she lays the person she is on him completely I am 99% sure he will jump ship. He's a typical college party full-time guy that just wants his fun, and their relationship doesn't even make sense to be anything more. I know deep down she wants a companion, someone who is there for her and someone who truly loves her. She has been like that for her whole life and I really don't think people up and change in a few months.

 

I've decided I'm pulling myself out of this scenario and going no contact until I get home. I don't know if 2 weeks is enough time for her to realize the mistake she is making, but maybe. I know eventually she will regret doing this and want me back, but I need to start considering other options. Like some said, I'm still young. I joined the Army when I was 19 fresh out of high school and it makes maintaining a "real" life amazingly hard. Getting out at 24 has me a little worried I'm not going to really fit into the typical college scene, but maybe I'm just over thinking and worrying about nothing. Seems all I do anymore is worry worry worry and beat myself up. Not talking at all will be easier than being there for her while she puts me second.

 

Thanks to you all again for shedding light on this for me. I need to stop making excuses and allowing myself to be hurt for someone who doesn't care.

 

Sounds like she cares (she says she loves you and not him) and if i were you I would say: if you now want me, it is no more him.

 

It sounds like you are doing NC because you are hurt but in reality you did allow this into your relationship.

 

Her idea for "good reason" could even be "you are my GF and I want it to be just the two of us."

 

Too many guys won't lay the truth out on the line and give the girl even a chance to make things right.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sounds like she cares (she says she loves you and not him) and if i were you I would say: if you now want me, it is no more him.

 

It sounds like you are doing NC because you are hurt but in reality you did allow this into your relationship.

 

Her idea for "good reason" could even be "you are my GF and I want it to be just the two of us."

 

Too many guys won't lay the truth out on the line and give the girl even a chance to make things right.

 

As far as she is concerned she hasn't even violated the relationship, so what is your idea of her not caring for you?

 

Have you even said: this isn't cool with me anymore? OR this really bothers me, please stop?

[Rorschach]

Go no contact for those two weeks and see what happens. Sounds to me like she's just talking to you because she feels like she's supposed to. I don't think she has many feelings for you anymore.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I told her we need to focus on us and she made it clear she won't stop seeing him for me right now.

 

And there you have it. She didn't want an open relationship. She just wanted this guy with your permission.

 

Time to cut your losses. Honestly, I'd just cut her off, walk away and never look back.

[BUENG1]

As far as she is concerned she hasn't even violated the relationship, so what is your idea of her not caring for you?

 

Have you even said: this isn't cool with me anymore? OR this really bothers me, please stop?

 

I told her we need to focus on us and she made it clear she won't stop seeing him for me right now

 

10 characters.

[CFM]

I think I've been pretty straight forward. Here's our IM convo that hit me kind of hard...

 

Me: Things change daily heh. 4 months ago this guy didn't exist. We were in a bad place. I feel like you started to let go of me and developed feelings for him. When you told me about it I got really upset and you didn't want to hurt me and felt bad, so you said you were sorry and ended it with him. Those feelings didn't go away though and here we are now heh.

I know you're at work, but is that accurate? I just have to feel like me coming there is the right thing, and if I have truly changed that you really do want to be with me and eventually make us permanent.

 

Her: I like him.. but we've been together so long that if we don't truly try one more time it would have all been in vain.

if you move here and I don't feel like complete bliss I will let you know.

 

 

Me: and please just lay off him for the next 2 wks. focus on us and see where things go. we've given 4 years and i need you to devote the last 2 weeks to my coming home and see what happens with us, can you do that?

 

Her: I am devoted to you coming home...

 

Me: will you put him on hold for 2 weeks for me then?

 

Her: meaning what..

Me: meaning tell him you're working on your relationship with me now that I'm coming back and moving in with you.. meaning no sex, no flirting.. I want your feelings exclusively until we figure this out

 

Her: ... I like messing around with him. I don't want to stop.

Me: Do you realize how much you are hurting me? You are putting "fun" with him before me completely.

 

Her: ... I am being honest.

Me: You are putting him before me.. how can I be okay with this. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]You are literally breaking my heart. I've never hurt this much in my life and you have the ability to stop it and you're consciously making the choice not to..

Her: i don't want to hurt you but I don't want to stop either.

Me: you don't want to hurt me..? you are throwing us away for this thing.

Her: no.. but I want to see what other people are like...

Me: if this is truly how you feel, I need to step back. you don't want to see other people, you want to see XXX. i know you XXXXXX, i know you don't just want to **** a bunch of random guys. you have strong emotions for him whether you admit it to me or not.i gave you the choice, you made it. you need time to think. deep down you know i've changed too. you know i want you and i'm willing to do anything. you know what comes with me. i hope you find yourself and what you really want. we'll talk again before i get home but i can't talk to you like normal.

 

Her: ...... I like XXX but I don't want anything serious. why don't you believe me?

 

Me: i love you amanda. truly and purely. not for sex, not for anything, it's unconditional. i love the person you are, the person i have been with. i get it, you're being honest. i just can't do it when you're not willing to put me first. i have enough respect for myself to not allow myself to be second to another man with you.

 

I don't think I can go anywhere else with that. Pretty cut and dry. In less than 2 weeks it went from feelings/thoughts to me allowing her to hang out, and now already sex. I'm in a ****ing warzone, I don't deserve this even if things were rocky. She willingly walked into something bigger than what she was leading me to believe and is pushing me aside for some temporary garbage.

Edited April 19, 2010 by CFM

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh yeah, the "I don't wanna stop" after you tell her the deal seals it.

 

NC. My bad.

[Rorschach]

That ****ing sucks. I wouldn't even go and see her. Go find somewhere else to do in your life.

[CFM]

I wish I could avoid seeing her. I have to get my stuff from her house, so I can't really start my getting over it all for another few weeks. I know she's going to regret the things that are happening right now for a long time and if it goes down like this I can never forgive it. Oh well.. pain is weakness leaving the body.

[Pfiend101]

I'm sorry bro. So sorry. No Contact her. Let her do whatever with this loser while you continue to better your life. She will realize what she lost eventually.

[callingyouuu]

Well, I have to give her credit for being honest.

 

As you said, you're worth more than this. Both you and her have said everything that you need to say. Other than to make plans for when you can go pick up your stuff, I wouldn't speak to her for at least a few months. Thanks for your service to our country, and welcome home in two weeks.

[FryFish]

You can arrange to have someone else get your stuff... Tell your mother what is going on... she will help.

 

She called me in the bathroom before it happened and said she loves me and it's just for fun. Is this just her doing the bare minimum to keep me going?

This is DISGUSTING! It isnt her being nice its her being ****ing evil. Seriously... STOP!

 

STOP!

STOP!

STOP!

 

This "relationship" will literally kill you in the end. There are other fish and other ways to be. Having been in the army and on "lighter" deployments I know that your perspective is far to skewed to see anything other than this girl... I know its hard to watch the relationships of all of your brothers fail as soon as they leave the states.... But I also know that it is almost the SOP... You leave, she ****s somebody else. You know it too. That is why you are even half way accepting this. Because you know its expected.

 

Listen. You are going to come home, separate and hopefully start spending your GI bill. Dont tie yourself to this girl while you are supposed to be living the life you deferred in order to serve. College is FUN! But it wont be for you if you stay with this evil girl. In fact, you may end up in prison if you do.

 

You will fall in love again young man. Probably many times. Certainly in college. Only this time you will have a good bit of experience in recognizing exactly what you do and dont want.

[MichelleZB]

Open relationships can work, but you have to be in a stable, committed relationship with your partner--something you don't have with your girlfriend yet.

 

You're going to have to tell her that while you're not adverse to open relationships in general, and you'd consider opening things up again sometime in the future, you guys need some "us" time. If you are going to try to move in together and commit to each other, you have to close the relationship for now and focus on each other. Then, perhaps, if things are going well, you can re-negotiate an open deal, perhaps after also doing some reading on open relationships.

 

If she isn't willing to do that, then she's not willing to give your relationship primacy--and that's the most important part of an open relationship.

[CFM]

Open relationships can work, but you have to be in a stable, committed relationship with your partner--something you don't have with your girlfriend yet.

 

You're going to have to tell her that while you're not adverse to open relationships in general, and you'd consider opening things up again sometime in the future, you guys need some "us" time. If you are going to try to move in together and commit to each other, you have to close the relationship for now and focus on each other. Then, perhaps, if things are going well, you can re-negotiate an open deal, perhaps after also doing some reading on open relationships.

 

If she isn't willing to do that, then she's not willing to give your relationship primacy--and that's the most important part of an open relationship.

 

I feel this way right now. I'll say that generally speaking I'm open minded about her doing things but as long as it is 100% clear that I am number one and our relationship is the concrete foundry for everything else. Right now, it's not the case and I opened the door for it all too soon. I think she got her taste and everything with the other is just now reaching it's peak and it's easier for her to write me off as I continue to change my mind and become emotionally distraught.

 

We talked more tonight... yeah yeah, I know. It was after work and I figured I'd see what she wanted to say that she couldn't during our IM convo. She told me that she would not see him again for me until I came home even though she wants to. She said she will still text him here and there and keep their friendship so it's not "weird". I trust that. She seemed annoyed with me about it, but I think deep down she really wants to be there when I get back and really wants me to be with her.

 

I also asked her what she is going to say to the guy as a reason she can't see him, her reply is nothing - I'll just say I'm busy and he won't care. We don't have a relationship, I just like him and like having a care-free/fun relationship without all of the drama.

 

Is it possible that she has burned herself out on me/life drama in general?

 

There are some elements/factors that really brought about this different girl - pretty intense things.

 

When I was home for my 2 weeks 4 months ago (before this guy was in the picture) I really let her down. I didn't realize at the time that seeing her for a week then leaving and seeing my family for a week would hit her so badly, but it did. She had planned to see me two weeks (lack of communication, knowing exactly my plans) and I think she really needed during that time for me to refresh our relationship and make it clear that she was number one and our plans were number one. We were in a rocky place then too, but at the time I thought it was just a temporary thing like usual, just more long distance hardship. But, like I said, she was really upset with me. She was super emotional, super vulnerable and very upset and I didn't comfort her the ways I should have. While this was going on with us she went through some pretty bizarre things at home.

 

While staying discreet I'll just say her father/mother split in a very bad way and it caused a huge rift with her and her father whom had previously been a huge thing in her life. He pretty much abandoned her and her mother. He hit her mother, got a restraining order and then it became month after month of court battle. This was all going on while I was deployed mostly and as you can imagine I couldn't be there for her in ways she needed at the time.

 

All of this drama with her family led to her mother becoming a hugely depressed alcoholic. I'll just say that not once, but twice in a 4 month period she came home to her mother's attempted suicides. She called the ambulance, she went to the hospital and she stayed with her for days completely broken. I called her during the time, but I was going through some deployment stuff for part of it and really couldn't be the person she needed and let her down in some ways.

 

All of this to a girl who busts her ass working constantly to support herself going to a community college making a 3.9 GPA aspiring to make something of herself. She doesn't drink, she's not self loathing, she's just been an emotional rollercoaster and admittedly at times it was too much for me to handle her life in correspondence with mine and I wasn't a great boyfriend.

 

Now, after all of this happening in about a 6 month time period, shortly after the New Year I feel like something just popped. She continually says that she just wants to have fun and not be sad anymore. She doesn't cry when I upset her, she just gets mad. She says she wants to enjoy herself for the first time and stop dealing with negativity.

 

Well, this led her to kind of detach from me I believe. I try to talk to her as usual and try to dig a little to know what she's feeling and it's like a different person. She stops me and says "I don't want to talk about this", and it is left at that. The more I push the further she pushes away. "I don't want anymore drama right now, I just want good things". My reaction to her saying this is pretty negative, the fact that she is writing me off as drama when I try to talk about feelings seems like a slap in the face. I feel like something just popped and she is blocking herself from becoming emotional or upset. So, that really hurts us. Long distance/long term relationships are fueled by deep emotions - the days of things being fresh and new are long gone, especially over the phone and internet.

 

So, what should I take from all of this? Is there a chance that a part of her is gone forever now, or is this some temporary block that she's going to eventually lift again when she feels like it won't just lead to her being crushed again? I got her to talk briefly about it and like I said she just doesn't want to get into it. She says she's not the old her and she isn't going to let people bring her down all of the time anymore. She hasn't been happy in a long time (I can attest to this - mostly from the family issues but partially from me) , but lately with her little thing with this guy she's actually seemed almost happy. She is also happy with me though, as long as I avoid the hard questions that stir up her emotions...

 

Does this change anything? I think the main thing she likes about this guy right now is the fact that he doesn't care about her, he's not going to give her **** when she doesn't take care of him and it's not going to be some intense love that we have. He's not better looking than me, he's not a step up in any way, he's just "easy" for her right now. I don't think there's more to their relationship than that really, that is is main draw.

 

We have never been "easy" obviously because of the circumstances, but I have the ability to be if we do move in together.

 

So I guess my question is,

 

Given these events, her pretty much "losing it" seems justified. Would you assume this is something temporary, and she'll be herself again once she feels security?

 

Would it not boost us if I was there for her through this time rather than bail? Seems like the only other man in her life that she really cared about did that when things got hard and maybe she'll just relate that to me.

 

If her relationship with this guy is truly just her having fun, while it is hurtful to me, is it mostly harmless? What do you women think - given certain circumstances and being tired of drama have you just wanted a truly care-free relationship that meant nothing more?

 

 

Well, that ended up longer than I intended. Apparently love for this girl has turned me into writing a damn novel.

Edited April 19, 2010 by CFM

[LucreziaBorgia]

You have to stop making excuses for her, and stop blaming yourself. It is as simple as this: she wants to be with another man and keep you around to foot the bills/play daddy/etc. Sex will come from him, security from you. It really is that simple.

 

Bottom line: if you want her, and you want a monogamous relationship with her, you need to be strong and refuse to accept less.

 

There is no way in heaven or hell I would trust her to simply walk away from this guy and not look back. If she cared that little for him, she wouldn't have had such a problem letting him go in the first place, nor would she be insisting on staying "friends" with him. She is downplaying his importance so that you will stick around and not leave her.

 

She told me that she would not see him again for me until I came home even though she wants to. She said she will still text him here and there and keep their friendship so it's not "weird".

 

Wrong answer. She has to stop seeing him not for you, but because she wants to and wants to work on her relationship with you. All that 'doing it for you' will do is harbor resentment toward you because she can't be with this other guy. Think about it - she is prioritizing HIM over YOU right now, doing whatever is necessary to keep things from being "weird" with HIM while YOUR heart is being ripped to shreds.

 

You are settling for less, and that is what you will get from her. Refuse. This guy has to be 100% off the radar, as in she never communicates with him again. He is poison to your relationship. Period.

 

She clearly has issues, but that is not an excuse for you to be victim to them. She needs to sort this stuff out - and that means no more contact with this guy or any other guy until she does. No more 'open relationship', no more "friends", no more BS - she needs help to sort out her issues and she won't find it from underneath some other guy.

 

You love her - show her that you love her by dragging her out of this mess instead of enabling it. Get her help. Insist on it. People who need help like she does will not go willingly. They'd rather self medicate with self destructive behavior.

[CFM]

You're right. I want him completely gone.

 

I hate him for what he did to us, and I'm angry with her for letting it happen. It took a while to sink in, but them having sex is something that will bother me for a while - especially the fact that she was okay with it (but thinking I was also okay with it). I enabled it for her, to show I care and thought that really I would just come out number one. I think I still do - she just doesn't want to let go of him until I'm available to hold onto. She doesn't want to turn back into a worrying, emotional wreck she was with me when we were apart. But, like you said, it's down to him or me. He's gone completely or I'm gone completely - that's all there is to it.

 

Given that, what would you advise for my situation? I am 13 days from landing stateside and right now she is going to be there. She agreed she won't see him again. Once again, she hasn't seen me in months, it's easy to detach and forget. Should I drop it on her now - I want him out of her life completely if she wants to be there when I get back, or should I wait for our reunion in person and then tell her face to face? I think seeing the pain in my face and eyes will cause her to realize what happened more than me trying to say it over the phone or IM. I feel like my control over her over the internet/phone is and always has been harder than in person obviously - it has worked both ways. I've been trying to talk to her kindly and be there for her, while walking the thin line of overdoing it and being that clingy turn-off while she's still on the fence. I'm also worried if I let up a lot or do no contact that it will back fire and she will do what's easy and go running to him, but I think this is avoidable if I play it right. What would you suggest I do for now?

Edited April 19, 2010 by CFM