i_eat_grits Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 (edited) I am engaged to be married to a woman I have dated 2 years and lived together full time 1 year. We got "engaged" last September because she kept saying when are you going to get me a ring? If you ask I'll say YES and also she gets her and my family involved in the whole ordeal and mentions to my mother that shes waiting on "the ring". Finally last September she knew I had a little money and saw a ring on walmart.com that she wanted and told me to buy it. Well since she skipped the whole ask me to marry you part and the surprise and I lived under her roof now, I did. She gets it via UPS and is so excited and hands it to me. I unwrap it and hand the ring in box back to her and she's like aren't you going to propose???!! I say no just put the thing on. Shes like oh how unromantic but you bought me a ring and is all happy and kisses yada yada. All this while I am attending school, I am a single parent who was living with my mother who was watching my son after his school & after I got off work while I'm in school in the evenings...She was forced to change her job which left me no place to go but to move in to GFs/now Fiance's house. Since then I have quit my job, am still in school, and Fiance is taking care of the bills and watches son in the evenings and we are engaged-oh joy. I have tried all I can do to change her mind on getting married... I sleep all day while she is at work until I have to go to school. I drink beer when she don't want me to. I leave the housework for her to do after she gets off of work even though I am home all day asleep. I do this stuff on purpose so she can think I am a sorry lazy man. She's tried to be romantic and asked me to wash her back and I ask why and continue looking at the computer. I am unenthusiastic about her wedding ideas. I grumble when she talks about the wedding. I deny her sex except once per week. I want to cancel this whole marriage thing without making her mad but what besides laying in our bed with another woman or picking up on a good drug habit will change her mind. She is about to send out save the date cards and My mom has already arranged our honeymoon. I so don't wanna get married but I don't wanna be the bad person to cancel! She has done a lot for me and I will feel guilty for backing out however i DO NOT want to get married to her and I will cheat as I already have done so. HELP, Edited April 18, 2010 by i_eat_grits Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 Why are you even bothering to continue dating this woman if you don't want to marry her and are trying to put her off the idea? Rather than playing silly games, why don't you just dump her? Is it because you want to carry on living in her house and having her babysit your son, even though you don't actually love her? If so, that's a terrible thing to do... you can't date someone just because you want to use them. You're being a complete d*ck to her, and you've cheated on her already... I bet she doesn't even know you cheated?! It's time you manned up, did the right thing and dumped her, so she can find someone else who actually cares about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 Oh my goodness, just bite the bullet and dump her!!! She deserves better then that. She did force your hand on the whole marriage thing BUT in her defense you agreed. If you don't want to marry her then you have to tell her so. Man up!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 I want to cancel this whole marriage thing without making her mad Why do you care if she gets mad or not? Honestly, you have got to stop being so passive aggressive and just leave. You are going to be making a very expensive mistake if you make this legal. The divorce will ruin you. Seriously, do not go through with this. Leave. Now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author i_eat_grits Posted April 19, 2010 Author Share Posted April 19, 2010 (edited) Why are you even bothering to continue dating this woman if you don't want to marry her and are trying to put her off the idea? Rather than playing silly games, why don't you just dump her? Is it because you want to carry on living in her house and having her babysit your son, even though you don't actually love her? If so, that's a terrible thing to do... you can't date someone just because you want to use them. You're being a complete d*ck to her, and you've cheated on her already... I bet she doesn't even know you cheated?! It's time you manned up, did the right thing and dumped her, so she can find someone else who actually cares about her. Well I would be fine with just dating her and living with her there's no sense in getting married. I honestly don't see the importance of marriage-its just a piece of paper to me. Yes I know I'm using her but I really don't have no other place to go where someone would watch my son. No she doesn't know I've cheated-she'd kill me especially considering Ive cheated with both men and women. Heck Ive even asked for money from her only to turn around and pay a women to hook up. The way I see it though, you only live once so do what you like to do with whoever you want to-Not be stuck with one woman for the rest of your life. I will continue to do so whether I'm married or not. I wouldn't care if she did the same thing. Edited April 19, 2010 by i_eat_grits Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 I call troll. No real person would behave like this Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 I call troll. No real person would behave like this It would be nice if this were true. What the OP describes is the actions and attitude my son's dad has. He dates as a parasite, moving from one girl's house and resources to the next when the one he is with wises up. His last figured it out last winter. He had previously refused to speak with his mother for two years because she didn't side with him against me. His tune changed when his options ran out and he recently made amends with his mom and moved into her place. Now he will ride her resources and home till that runs out or he can find a similar situation that also gets his sexual needs met. I get that the OP has a kid in tow and can readily understand that when it comes to getting the needs of a child met, many parents will do things they would prefer to not do, but faking a marital commitment is a pretty big abuse of trust. OP, do you care nothing for the mess you leave in your wake? How will you address this? The damage will only be larger if you go ahead and marry. Link to post Share on other sites
Candid Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Wow, that is so wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Well I would be fine with just dating her and living with her there's no sense in getting married. I honestly don't see the importance of marriage-its just a piece of paper to me. Yes I know I'm using her but I really don't have no other place to go where someone would watch my son. No she doesn't know I've cheated-she'd kill me especially considering Ive cheated with both men and women. Heck Ive even asked for money from her only to turn around and pay a women to hook up. The way I see it though, you only live once so do what you like to do with whoever you want to-Not be stuck with one woman for the rest of your life. I will continue to do so whether I'm married or not. I wouldn't care if she did the same thing. So you are a sex addict with little hope of real intimacy. Anything else you are hooked on? Read Out of the Shadows, get into a program and ffs stop using other people for a place to live. When I left my parent's place, guess where I went? I rented my own place. Get your kid and yourself your own place. All you are doing is abusing someone and causing them pain. Yes some women are a little nutty (okay, some are very nutty) about marriage but if you were standing opposite the perfect partner what you are doing would look like crap. Because what you are doing is crappy no matter what she is doing. What kind of man gets married because mommy and gf told him to? A complete wuss. Let this woman have a real choice on who she is with. If you don't believe in monogamy or marriage then stand up for that. Probably the only reason you posted this is so that you could tell yourself, see I am a douchebag. Read Healing the Shame the Binds You and Toxic Parents (because you must have had some screwed-up parents) and stop dragging everyone else around you into your pathetic tripe. Man-up Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleZB Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 I so don't wanna get married but I don't wanna be the bad person to cancel! I_eat_grits, do you really think that canceling on the wedding would make you a bad person? What do you call the behaviour your exhibiting now? Do you think you're being a good person now? Honestly, canceling the wedding and leaving this woman alone is the only possible way of beginning to turn yourself back into a good person. Can you see that? Are you truly interested in being a good person? If so--you know what you have to do, buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 You are being a real **** now.......BIG time! Get some balls and don't put this woman through your crap. She deserves someone who truly wants and loves her and if you think you are doing her any favors now......you've got it all wrong. The best thing you can do for her is the decent thing and tell her NOW the wedding is off and that you don't love her so she can move on and out of your sorry life. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 I_eat_grits, do you really think that canceling on the wedding would make you a bad person? What do you call the behaviour your exhibiting now? Do you think you're being a good person now? Honestly, canceling the wedding and leaving this woman alone is the only possible way of beginning to turn yourself back into a good person. Can you see that? Are you truly interested in being a good person? If so--you know what you have to do, buddy. Good stuff from all the posters, and I especially like this. The problem as I see it is that you want to be perceived by others as a "good person", but aren't willing to behave and act as a good person. A healthy person would view it the other way around, that it doesn't particularly matter how others see you but that you are going to live your life with honesty and integrity. The by-product of doing so, of course, is that others will wind up viewing you as exactly that kind of person. But you're living your life with integrity for you, not for their opinion. It's never too late to get your act together and turn your life around. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Wait so you think being a lazy coward and torturing this poor woman just to mooch a free ride off her doesn't make you a bad person but being honest with her does? Boy are you a catch and a half. You have any brothers? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Wait so you think being a lazy coward and torturing this poor woman just to mooch a free ride off her doesn't make you a bad person but being honest with her does? Boy are you a catch and a half. You have any brothers? The OP sounds like an opportunist. He will take what he can. Why he is posting here about his hideous behavior towards her... the world may never know... Get out of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
bananalaffytaffy Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 Wait so you think being a lazy coward and torturing this poor woman just to mooch a free ride off her doesn't make you a bad person but being honest with her does? Boy are you a catch and a half. You have any brothers?I agree. Not only a lazy coward, but one that could be exposing this woman to God knows what kinds of std's. Please have the decency to tell this woman to get tested. I doubt you will though. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 I call troll. No real person would behave like this I actually saw a post that is remarkably similar to what you'd expect his fiance to say on another forum... Link to post Share on other sites
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