Im so use to being in control, and one lie has thrown me off completely

[Brokendreams875]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. We had gone out a few years ago for almost a year and broke up because he was verrry clingy and I was not able to have a life outside him with interfering but after a year of being apart we ran into each other again and decided to give it another try.

 

For the most part of three years we have been very happy (minus some obvious ups and downs and a little rockyness in the first few months) untill about January. Its been hard since we are kind of long distance (about 3 hrs while both in school and work full time but we see each other weekly)

 

In January he started getting a little standoffish. He had alot going on in his life and so did I and he started to change from the person he had been and I called him on it, and expressed my concerns.

He got better for a few weeks then fell back into his funk. I called him on it again because Im not one to beat around the bush. Then in March I just had a really bad feeling he was lieing to me. I kept asking and doing soo much to get his attention back but it never worked for long. It was only recently I was about to figure it out. He was talking to an old friend (a girl) quite frequently (every few days and about once a week for over an hr) and hed even gone with her and a bunch of friends to a hockey game (where he did text me all day and send me pictures etc but I was not aware a girl was even there)

 

Being me, I called him on it again, and he admitted everything but it had taken me figuring out most of it before he told me (to be honest I didnt know the whole story just that he was talking to someone often) and he admitted who she was and that the reason he had been talking to her is because hed felt I have been unavailable to talk and listen to his problems. This is kind of true. Im always willing to listen to him but Im a very proactive type of person. If I have a problem, I figure it out, and I fix it. Im a bit of a perfectionist. He on the other hand doesn't really want to change the problem (its a long time running problem with his abusive father. it isnt like its the easiest problem to fix) he just needed someone to talk to and claims he was tired of hearing me push him to do something about it.

 

He had a bad history in his family of having to lie about even little things just to avoid being beaten. In our first relationship I know for a fact he lied about dumb little things just to avoid argument. He is also still a little clingy and doesn't like me speaking to other guys (he lets me just isnt happy about it) which is one reason he said he didn't tell me because I DESPISE double standards and would definatly have used his talking to her as a reason not to hear his bs on me talking to my guy friends.

 

Here is my full problem. Some of the nights he spoke to her, it was after he said goodnight to me. For three years we were always the last one each other spoke to and suddenly she was. He lied. He admits how wrong he was. He wants to try and fix it. He agreed to only speaking to her through text and nowhere near as often. She doesn't even live close by him she herself is almost 2 hrs away and when he did go to the hockey game I knew every detail accept that she was there (shes also friends with his best friend who he was with) Im not going to claim I have never lied to him. Ive told him I was going to bed and have gone out to the bar with friends, Ive hung out with a guy he hates (with a group of other ppl) and didnt tell him because it just wasn't worth the battle. I have never cheated on him and I don't think hes cheated on me at all. but Im not the jealous one. His speaking to her wouldn't have bothered me as much. It was the lieing that did

 

Now Im questioning everything. I went from being a very in control person to a train wreck the last few days. I am constantly wondering if hes talking to her or if id even know this time or if hes lied about other things or will lie again if he thinks it will avoid a battle(this is only the 2nd lie hes told and the first one was wayyyyyyy back when we started going out and was really nothing just me not knowing where he was cause his phone died lead to some drama). I love him. I know I want to try and make this work but I don't know how to move past this. Im trying but I keep having stupid thoughts in my head that hurt so bad, Hes putting up with me and being supportive but this isnt me and I dont know how long he is going to handle it.

 

So heres what I need. Am I doing the right thing by giving him another chance? should I have just broken up with him? Were moving in together late this summer and will see each other much more which will probably help but I cant wait that long to stop feeling like this. It really wasn't a huge lie, its one I even understand why he did, but It still hurts like hell and idk what to do. Any advice would be really helpful

[AttillatheHun]

From what you described, he sounds like a great guy. I think you need to lighten up a little, no offence.

 

I have been in pretty much the same situation with my girlfriend for the past few months. I have lied to her on several occasions about minor things, where technically, I did nothing wrong by our relationship. The only thing I did wrong, ironically, was the actual lying itself. I lied because I just simply thought it would avoid unnecessary battles. She has found out, and I have stirred up bigger **** which could have been avoided had I just told the truth in the first place.

 

The same goes both ways. To put it simply, he is doing nothing wrong by the relationship. The reason he lies, from what I can gather, are exactly the same as yours-

 

Im not going to claim I have never lied to him. Ive told him I was going to bed and have gone out to the bar with friends, Ive hung out with a guy he hates (with a group of other ppl) and didnt tell him because it just wasn't worth the battle. I have never cheated on him and I don't think hes cheated on me at all. but Im not the jealous one. His speaking to her wouldn't have bothered me as much. It was the lieing that did

Wow, but I have to be blunt. YOU ARE DOING EXACTLY THE SAME TO HIM! You say it doesn't bother you that he talks to her, but it was the lying that hurt. Yet YOU lie to him about things you think that would HURT him. Would you like it if you were fooled into thinking that your boyfriend was in bed, when he was actually at the bar with a female friend you hated or saw as a threat?

 

None of you are in the right. The solution to this problem, funnily enough, is fairly simple. Be honest about everything, even if you think it may have a harmful effect. If anything, your partner's trust and respect for you will only grow because he realises, depsite whatever you may have told him, that you are just being honest.

 

I think you both need to sit down and discuss as such.

Edited April 18, 2010 by AttillatheHun