When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationshi

[JustJoe]

I can see your point, Sam, and will think about it.

[Spark1111]

Sometimes those problems are contextual. Someone may have great communication skills in other areas, be really great at conflict resolution, and really well moderated to the external eye. But within the M... there may be other issues (such as an imbalance of power, a situation of abuse, cultural factors or other structural issues) that prevent that person from acting as they would elsewhere. Perhaps their spouse has a fearsome temper, so they're afraid to confront potential trouble areas, or perhaps the spouse is a narcissist, leaving them "walking on eggs", or perhaps their culture determines that the H is always right and that the W has no right to disagree, so the W stays silent... or whatever. There may be factors that exist within the M that condition responses that may not exist elsewhere, or may be differently mediated elsewhere.

 

I've often seen how different people are, say, in the workplace and in their M. Guys who are top dog at work, who are meek and mild and at their Ws beck and call at home; women who are logical, organised and together at work, who are ditzy and unfocussed and emotional butterflies at home; the great manager who is known for her empathy and patience, who snaps and snarls at her H and kids once she walks through the door; the happy-go-lucky charmer who slumps into silent depression once he climbs out of his car at home.

 

One reads all the time of people who had a well-kept secret - a hidden vice, a secret addiction, a dark side - that no one knew about because they kept that aspect of their life so well partitioned from everything else, no one else had a clue. Not everyone's life is so well-integrated that something in one corner necessarily spills over everywhere else - and, I'd guess, people with some kind of functional dysfunction would be more likely to be able to compartmentalise that aspect off, so that the rest of their lives are functional and "normal", and the dysfunction is relegated to that one, dark, hidden corner.

 

Well made points, OW!

Yes, I agree that we all wear many personnas in the course of our lives, in the course of a single day: dutiful daughter, devoted mother, charmer at work, etc.

 

I think that is normal and natural. But if one of those roles, or secrets, becomes a problem, or cannot be integrated into the other aspects of one's life, well then it is a problem.

[Spark1111]

In MC is there such a thing as a "retribution" period? And what do you do.

 

SAF, if you mean is there a time where you scream and cry and rage at each other?

 

Well, yes, some MC starts out like that because it has to: a carthartic release of all built up resentments that have not been productively communicated to each other.

 

But my experience is that after infidelity, if you truly want to heal the relationship, there is so much pain on both sides, that the counselor usually handles you both with extreme kindness and sensitivity.

 

The marriage is the client, and as their is no perfect marriage, both parties can take a turn on the hotseat, so to speak, if they continue to dispaly behaviors that are damaging to the relationship.

[Samantha0905]

SAF, if you mean is there a time where you scream and cry and rage at each other?

 

Well, yes, some MC starts out like that because it has to: a carthartic release of all built up resentments that have not been productively communicated to each other.

 

But my experience is that after infidelity, if you truly want to heal the relationship, there is so much pain on both sides, that the counselor usually handles you both with extreme kindness and sensitivity.

 

The marriage is the client, and as their is no perfect marriage, both parties can take a turn on the hotseat, so to speak, if they continue to display behaviors that are damaging to the relationship.

 

I'm glad you responded to that question. I was hoping someone would.

[Samantha0905]

Please re-read what you quoted. I said "I think..." in conjunction with that statement. Overly cynical? Perhaps YOU are overly touchy about a cheater taking responsibility for their own behavior.

 

Maybe it's a little true about both of us.

 

And, yes. I think the book WAS titled that way TO GET CHEATERS TO WANT TO READ THE BOOK.

 

It ain't rocket science.

 

And perhaps the author thinks good people can actually also make bad choices at times.

[stillafool]

SAF, if you mean is there a time where you scream and cry and rage at each other?

 

Well, yes, some MC starts out like that because it has to: a carthartic release of all built up resentments that have not been productively communicated to each other.

 

But my experience is that after infidelity, if you truly want to heal the relationship, there is so much pain on both sides, that the counselor usually handles you both with extreme kindness and sensitivity.

 

The marriage is the client, and as their is no perfect marriage, both parties can take a turn on the hotseat, so to speak, if they continue to dispaly behaviors that are damaging to the relationship.

 

 

Thank you for answering my question. A friend of mine's h had an affair and she said he is now in the "retribution stage". I thought about it later and wondered in MC is there such a stage toward healing or was she just saying he is now trying to make up everything to her. I guess I am wondering if MC requires this stage or if she required it.

[Spark1111]

Thank you for answering my question. A friend of mine's h had an affair and she said he is now in the "retribution stage". I thought about it later and wondered in MC is there such a stage toward healing or was she just saying he is now trying to make up everything to her. I guess I am wondering if MC requires this stage or if she required it.

 

No, they lead you through a process of open and honest communication; they teach you how to do it kindly with each other. They do not take you through stages, but they do teach you how to better handle the stages you will go through after an infidelity. It is a neutral, though at times, uncomfortable process because who truly has the perfect marriage? No one.

 

And if reconciliation proves to be impossible to acheive, they will provide you with tools for a more amicable divorce. You just have to use the tools provided.

 

I think it is all about kindness and respect for each other's feelings, and communicating them in a loving manner. It is never me, my, but us and our's.

 

It has taught me to not rely on my marriage or spouse to make me happier; that's my job. It is how to look at it as a separate identity and to think, "How do WE make US better and therefore happier?"

 

And that takes two, very hard-working, selfless and committed people.