My mom, her attitude problem

[HurtinginVA]

So here we are, about a month and a half after I found out about H's affair. And my mother is not speaking to me. Fun, fun.

 

When the crap hit the fan, so to speak, I ran to my mom, probably not the best thing in the world to do but easy since she only lives about 10 mins from me. Understand, my mom has been cheated on repeatedly throughout her entire life and her favorite sayings are:

 

"Once a cheater, always a cheater"

"If he cheats on you once, shame on him; if he cheats on you twice, shame on you!"

 

So now that H and I are "reconciling" or whatever you want to call it, she is not too happy. And Im not sure if I can figure out why exactly. Through the grapevine(my sisters) I hear that she is beyond mad that I wont leave H. Or kick him out, whatever. She thinks Im stupid to believe that he wouldnt do that to me again and she thinks that he is just laying in wait for another opportunity. Before she stopped speaking to me she would say the most AWFUL things to me about him, for example, "Oh, youre still having sex?!?! Doesnt it bother you to know that his (you know what) has been all in some other girls (you know what)?" generally things along that line.

 

Sweet, huh? Gotta love her.

 

Little more background, out of all of our immediate family, parents included, H and I are the only ones who have a 2 income household, each have a vehicle, own our home etc......so of course, our family thinks we have a money tree in our back yard. (Gimme a break) Almost 2 weeks ago, my mom calls saying that her cable is going to get cut off, yadda yadda, the bill is 300.00 I tell her I will talk to H about it and see what we can do. She tells me this the day AFTER we buy our tickets/hotel reservations for Vegas.

 

H says we cant pay the whole thing but can give her like 100.00 to help with it. She snatches the bill from me (at work) and says "Ill take care of it myself!"

 

Yeah, so that's the last time Ive talked to her. WTF? Ive tried calling but she wont answer or return my messages.

 

H is getting uncomfortable because he feels like she's doing all of this because of him. And if she is, so what? I told her not to make me choose between them because I would choose him. As horrible as that may sound to some people, I am concerned about MY family, it's up to my mom whether or not she wants to be involved or not.

 

My question is, should I keep trying to contact? If she finally answers what do I say? Should I just give up and let her go?

[Kriz]

Though I'm not sure, I have the impression that your mother HAS left/kicked out her husband (your father?) after he cheated. When you look at it in that perspective, you can easily explain her awful reaction. The fact that you are willing to work on it and that you do have the potential to make it work (which I believe) is very confronting for her.

 

If you two could pull it off, maybe she has made the wrong decision. She probably doesn't need those doubts. You should make it clear that your husband is not the same person as her husband. And make sure that you are not her.

 

GL!

[Tony T]

Your mother is in great pain from her experience with a cheating husband and doesn't want to see you in the same boat as her. Her response to you is just her style. Stay away and she will eventually call you.

 

From her experience and perspective, once a man cheats on you he will do it again and again as long as you take him back everytime...which she has always done. She regrets doing this now but for some reason she did it. She doesn't want to see you get into that sort of pattern. The minute you ran to her after you learned of your husband's cheating, you made it her business and her pain. You should never run to somebody who's been cheated on repeatedly to cry about having been cheated on. They are naturally going to get mad as hell at the person who did this to you if they love you...if you are their daughter. Try to understand this.

 

Your mother is a miserable person because her dysfunctional upbringing brought her to to the place she is today. And family dynamics would indicate that the same thing will probably happen to you. This kind of dysfunction is passed down generationally until someone is strong enough to stop it. If your husband does this one more time, get rid of him or you will turn out exactly like your mom. If you have a child and then he does it, get rid of him and tell your child if he or she is ever cheated on, don't run to you...because you will be mad as hell.

[Arabess]

My Mom is VERY protective.....she hates ANY man who has ever hurt me in any capacity. That's what Mom's do. I even get mad when my kids have friends who I think is a bad influence. We see the best in our own offspring and want to believe it's everyone else's fault but theirs.

 

Give her some time.....let her know you appreciate how much she cares about you.....but you are a big girl now and need to make your own decisions....and your own mistakes.

[xalysabethh]

My mother is the same way my H had left me a lot of time when we were younger and stuff (we've been together for 9 years since we were 15) well when this stuff happend this time while i was pregent my mom would say the worst stuff about him and how she wishes i wouldve never married him. It was hard but she is my mom and sh e loves me and just wnats me to be happy. i wish you luck hopefully if you guys do pull it off she'll be supportive .

xalysabeth