Luv2dance Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I have a very very strong intuition that if we fix the other problems in the marriage, the sex and intimacy will return naturally... I just had a married male friend tell me this exact thing! He apparently is in a sexless marriage, but says if they got along they would probably have more sex. Counselor told us typical "good" marriages average sex every 7-10 days...so I guess the 2-3 times a weekers are getting a bonus!! Link to post Share on other sites
Luv2dance Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 it's in my circle too... I don't know anybody in a LTR who's actually sexually happy... they are all complaining, all of them... and my wife tells me she knows many work colleagues (all women) who are in sexless relationships and very happy about that! Hence her proposal of a sexless marriage some time ago, as you might remember... That is just so sad...I'm going to ask at my Sunday night ladies night how many are still doing the nasty and happy about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 28, 2010 Author Share Posted April 28, 2010 (edited) I just had a married male friend tell me this exact thing! He apparently is in a sexless marriage, but says if they got along they would probably have more sex. Counselor told us typical "good" marriages average sex every 7-10 days...so I guess the 2-3 times a weekers are getting a bonus!! Wow, Giotto looks like you and I have "good" marriages..... My wife better not find this quote or she may have to cut back (ha ha ha)...... Edited April 28, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Counselor told us typical "good" marriages average sex every 7-10 days...so I guess the 2-3 times a weekers are getting a bonus!! Quantified how? Does that mean no sexual connection at all in the meantime? No wandering hands, deep kisses, etc? I always wonder how other people quantify sex. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Counselor told us typical "good" marriages average sex every 7-10 days...so I guess the 2-3 times a weekers are getting a bonus!! Can't believe how lucky I am! I bet she is a woman? Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Getting good sex 3-7 times a week on average. Could always use more. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Getting good sex 3-7 times a week on average. Could always use more. Now I'm really thinking about a divorce... Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 But while I would consider the sex I have with my SO to still be the best I've ever had with a single partner, the quality of our "spice" has dropped drastically. Sex is borderline "a chore" and not as stimulating as in the past. Our mental illusions have faded. She's still smoking hot though. I'm looking forward to the day that my libido drops so I won't have to fantasize about orgies and threesomes anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 But while I would consider the sex I have with my SO to still be the best I've ever had with a single partner, the quality of our "spice" has dropped drastically. Sex is borderline "a chore" and not as stimulating as in the past. Our mental illusions have faded. She's still smoking hot though. I'm looking forward to the day that my libido drops so I won't have to fantasize about orgies and threesomes anymore. now, shadowman, you know you are preaching to a sex-starved man? Although I consider our sex quite good, our "range" has dropped dramatically as well... this because our teenager's bedroom is now next door to ours and he stays up late... sex is now a 10 minute affair, in the dark... I'd like several positions and use of toys (and other fantasies... ), but all we do is foreplay, oral sex (on me - wife says she doesn't want oral now, although she liked it in the past), wife on top for a couple of minutes, missionary for a couple of minutes... and that's it! Sometimes it's straight to penetration from behind and missionary... I am a very visual person and find having the light off (even a candle would do) a real turn-off. I have discussed with the wife, but she says she prefers it like that, now... I think I'm waiting for my libido to drop as well... Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Well I'm way too selfish to have children. Sorry for your condition. I am exactly like you with the dark. In fact, I don't think I would be able to perform under those conditions. That is the point in my sex life where I tell my wife that porn is more interesting than her. Some people can handle more adversity than others. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 lol... you probably don't know my story, but we've had many sex problems in the past... finally, it looked like we reached a good compromise but, although the frequency is better, the quality is actually dropping... I don't think there is a solution, apart from exchanging my wife with a blow-up doll! Seriously, I tried everything - and I had to for the sake of my marriage -but I've come to the conclusion that we are now sexually incompatible and I'm finding myself wanting sex less and less... this might be a bit controversial, but many women despise porn and think it's the root of all evil in a marriage, but it's actually the opposite... I'm still in my marriage because of it... Link to post Share on other sites
Luv2dance Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Yes, she is a woman, but she is the higher libido partner in her marriage (she shared this with us). I think by "good" it meant average marriage i.e. not in constant crisis and she said this (i think) to ease my mind that maybe I wasn't being neglected. Quantified how? Does that mean no sexual connection at all in the meantime? No wandering hands, deep kisses, etc? I always wonder how other people quantify sex. I am not sure about the statistic but she is definitely of the opinion that sex is more than just penetration. In fact, as she was talking I thought about you, xxoo b/c what she described as a sexually healthy marriage sounded a lot like yours. Apparently, you(generic you) need maintenance sex and "party" sex to sustain a sexually fulfilling marriage. Of course, I realize ANY sex is an improvement for some of you guys ! I think she was embarrassing MH with all her open sex talk . Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 But while I would consider the sex I have with my SO to still be the best I've ever had with a single partner, the quality of our "spice" has dropped drastically. Sex is borderline "a chore" and not as stimulating as in the past. Our mental illusions have faded. She's still smoking hot though. I'm looking forward to the day that my libido drops so I won't have to fantasize about orgies and threesomes anymore. Unexpectedly, this is an area where I believe having kids has improved our sex life. Babies put you on a forced sex diet for a while. It is profound what limits can do for hunger. It is a bit like another "honeymoon period" now that the kids are older, and we have more opportunities. Overall quantity is still down a bit, but quality is WAY up at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Unexpectedly, this is an area where I believe having kids has improved our sex life. Babies put you on a forced sex diet for a while. It is profound what limits can do for hunger. It is a bit like another "honeymoon period" now that the kids are older, and we have more opportunities. Overall quantity is still down a bit, but quality is WAY up at this point. just wait until they start going to be at 2 o'clock in the morning... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Apparently, you(generic you) need maintenance sex and "party" sex to sustain a sexually fulfilling marriage. Yes, this sounds like my life. I don't get how sex can be an isolated event in a relationship, every so many days, with no sexual connection in between. That would make things awkward for me. At times when we have gone a long time without connecting at all (usually baby related), I need to have a very slow, vanilla, loving session before I can let loose and have fun again. Luckily, I've never had any issue vocalizing these needs at all! My H probably thinks I talk about sex too damn much, if anything Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 just wait until they start going to be at 2 o'clock in the morning... Seriously....I'll be quiet out of respect for awake teens, but I won't pretend we don't have sex. I think it is GOOD for my kids to know we have sex! They will know that a closed door requires a knock, and that some time for Mom and Dad is protected. But I am looking forward to one helluva honeymoon period once the kids are out of the house for good! Link to post Share on other sites
GaLwAyGiRL Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 My H and I use the kids as a challenging FUN obstacle...some of our best sex has been in the middle of the day in our laundry room or garage..sometimes he'll jump in the shower with me while the kids are in the next room playing. IT makes it exciting because we have to be soooo quiet and sometimes force is necessary(hands over mouths):love: I know we are still young 24&27 BUT I hope we will continue this adventure. I also read somewhere that your bedroom should be your sanctuary..no kids at certain times of the day...keep your door closed when no one is in it..keep it off limits. Our son used to get in our bed every night..and our sex life suffered tremendously. Don't get me wrong, there are days where we like our babies snuggled up with us or the occasional bad dream. but we look at our bedroom as our "love room" and I think more people should look at it this way... Good luck to all of you suffering with sexual starvation. I've been there at times. Its hard. just wanted to give my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
talldark Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 I'm 41. Wife is 48. Married 15 years. 3 kids (12,10,6). 1 dog (indeterminate age). once or twice a week together + 2x a week solo. I am OK with this. If I wanted more from her, she will gladly give it. Once every 3 months or so, we leave the kids with grandparents and go clubbing - dancing and drinking till 4 AM - after which we fall into bed and have hot, sweaty, wild sex before falling asleep. Wake up the next morning feeling like $hit, but ready to do it all over again soon Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 I flat out tell the kids at 10 PM on the weekend that we are going to bed and I directly ask at that time - "do you need anything from me or mom?" They know. And just as I am adamant they never see anything more explicit than a kiss or a hug I am glad they know their mom and dad still physically love each other. And if they are up we are quiet enough they can't hear - hell I don't want them to hear us - but privacy at night - kids above the age of 7 need to respect that. And of course they know if it is an emergency come "wake us up" Seriously....I'll be quiet out of respect for awake teens, but I won't pretend we don't have sex. I think it is GOOD for my kids to know we have sex! They will know that a closed door requires a knock, and that some time for Mom and Dad is protected. But I am looking forward to one helluva honeymoon period once the kids are out of the house for good! Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 I flat out tell the kids at 10 PM on the weekend that we are going to bed and I directly ask at that time - "do you need anything from me or mom?" They know. And just as I am adamant they never see anything more explicit than a kiss or a hug I am glad they know their mom and dad still physically love each other. And if they are up we are quiet enough they can't hear - hell I don't want them to hear us - but privacy at night - kids above the age of 7 need to respect that. And of course they know if it is an emergency come "wake us up" I'm not talking about the children walking into our bedroom, but more our teenage son "hearing" us... our children very rarely come into our bedroom and if they do at night, it's because of some emergency... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 I'm not talking about the children walking into our bedroom, but more our teenage son "hearing" us... our children very rarely come into our bedroom and if they do at night, it's because of some emergency... Do you share her worry about being heard? It's a bit of an irrational fear, I think. What is the worst that happens if they hear sex? Or is it just another excuse? A "red herring"? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 Do you share her worry about being heard? It's a bit of an irrational fear, I think. What is the worst that happens if they hear sex? Or is it just another excuse? A "red herring"? mmm... I don't think it's another excuse... Personally, I don't really mind, but she finds it inhibiting. He wouldn't hear us, anyway, because at that time he is with his headphones on playing online on his Xbox... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 29, 2010 Author Share Posted April 29, 2010 Never really changes... There is a rolodex full of them..... Alphabetesized.... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 mmm... I don't think it's another excuse... Personally, I don't really mind, but she finds it inhibiting. He wouldn't hear us, anyway, because at that time he is with his headphones on playing online on his Xbox... I am counting on the headphone factor, too! Never really changes... There is a rolodex full of them..... Alphabetesized.... Sorry, but that made me laugh! Link to post Share on other sites
OneTwo Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 I got some this morning. I have been applying the act-aloof-at-times-and-improve-your-image strategy. It had been working, but only a little. It seemed like I was missing the mark a bit with my strategy. So, I implemented stage 2: Don't-put-up-with-her-crap. For example, just the other day, I was trying to get her to answer a simple question. She needed a ride somewhere, because her car wouldn't start, but she would not give me a simple direct answer as to when and where I was to chauffeur her. When I pressed for an answer, she snapped at me and said that she was busy composing an email and to not bother her. I looked her straight in the eye and told her, “Don’t be a bitch.” I then told her that if she wanted my assistance with anything, that she would have to be nice. There was no anger in my voice, only a stern tone that you might use with a teenage child. I then went on my merry way with what I needed to do for the day. Within a couple of minutes she found me in the other room and explained where she needed to go and when. I said I would try to fit her into my schedule. I used this same approach with other infractions that she was committing – she would speak to me in a rude tone, or be overly demanding. I would answer with, “….not if you are going to use that tone of voice.” Or, I would just flat out tell her that she was perfectly capable of doing this or that on her own. It seems to be working. My goal is to get our sex life to the point of 2-3 times per week rather than 1-2 times per month. The don’t-put-up-with-her-crap strategy is also making her act more responsible and to consult me before she makes any stupid spending decisions, etc. I’ll keep you all posted… Link to post Share on other sites
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