Show of Hands.... Males only...

[carhill]

None now (divorcing) but, while married, I could have all the sex I wanted. Great sex? I don't know if I want to pick nits.

 

Stbx should make a compatible male who derives love and satisfaction from a wet noodle quite happy.

[Mr. Lucky]

They will know that a closed door requires a knock, and that some time for Mom and Dad is protected.

We make sure that knock is backed up by a lock. It's amazing how much more relaxed my wife is when the door is secured...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JustJoe]

I get lots of sex, what I don't get, is affection.

[TechDude]

How many are having enough great sex on this Forum????

 

I don't get any. I humbly submit that it is possibly not enough.

 

There are some women ... many disagreeing with my premise that if a man is getting good quality, regular sex at home, the vast majority would never cheat and those that do, do so because of the lack of it at home.

 

I don't think cheating has much to do with how much sex a man is getting at home. I think it is simply a reflection of the man. Those who are likely to cheat will cheat regardless of how much they get at home.

 

The rest of the males here, come here to kvetch and search for a solution/answer/understanding of this issue....

 

Once upon a time, I was looking for an answer. There is no answer. My wife has said as much.

 

What can I do? She has no interest in sex due to an illness (depression). I can't exactly walk away and abandon her.

 

Now I settle for just feeling bitter about it.

[Krytie TV]

Married 5 months, she is a little over 4 months pregnant and we have great sex at least twice a week.

[aeh]

I'm a woman. Me, 39, H, 45. Married 16 yrs. Two teenage kids. When we were first married it was once a day. Then after about 7 or 8 years it was down to twice-3X a week. Then at about 14 years it was once a week. The last year, when my H was having an affair, it was once every two weeks. Now...it is once daily...sometimes 2 or 3X daily!! Definitely woke me up from my mid-life crisis (if that's what you want to call it). H probably isn't entirely comfortable with who I have become. Sex has definitely become a priority with me...I think about it all the time, just like I used to! Too bad it took him having an affair to make me snap back into it. I notice other men at the gym, the grocery store, etc and I like that they notice me too. I even have a few "crushes". It's ridiculous.

 

Not sure if I will always be with him though as there are so many emotional issues involved that I am not sure I can entirely get over.

[redtail]

I'm 54, married 9 years and my second wife is 47. We have sex about once a week, which is way not enough... way! It's libido issues.

 

However, the missing element here is my wife tries very hard. She and I communicate quite well, there's nothing we can't talk about and she is really trying to understand. I think that goes a long way. The fact that she cares, can overcome (no pun intended) her lack of sex drive. She had a bad experience growing up that she is still coming to terms with, something I've never had to deal with. That buys a lot of slack in my book.

[TechDude]

She had a bad experience growing up that she is still coming to terms with, something I've never had to deal with. That buys a lot of slack in my book.

 

It would agree that it buys a lot of slack ... if she is prepared to talk about it and work though it, which it sounds like she does. I'm happy for you.

 

My wife has a lot of issues, but she does not want to talk about them (or anything). She just wants to bury and ignore them and I just have to put up with no sex and no discussion.

[quercus.robur]

I don't get any. I humbly submit that it is possibly not enough.

41. Married 17 years, 2 kids. Had 1-3 times a week untill about a year ago, when one night wife "confessed" that she does not love me anymore and would not have sex with me. Not a kiss was shared since. I must agree, this is not enough.

Looking for an answer....

[quercus.robur]

What can I do? She has no interest in sex due to an illness (depression). I can't exactly walk away and abandon her.

 

Now I settle for just feeling bitter about it.

TechDude,

Does she love you? Does she realise there is a problem? Is she willing to work to fix it? This could make all the difference (or at least give a hope).

[IronMaiden]

I think you have to look at what the woman's 'baseline' is. What was she like before marriage? If she wasn't sexual before, she won't be after.

 

But if she was, then 'something' has 'happened'. In my observation, these are: children, fatigue, birth control pills, depression,feeling overworked and taken for granted, the 'familiarity breeds contempt' thing, and then the biggie- smoldering resentment..

 

A woman who says 'I no longer love you' and rolls over is angry. But her anger has been stuffed down and is now smoldering resentment.

 

And it could be about things you guys don't think is much: being too messy, not helping enough (or perception of such), her thinking she is doing more than 'her fair share'. Her always having to be the one to 'pick up the pieces or the slack' (or her perception that she is). Hard to think of any exceptions to this that I have seen.

[TechDude]

TechDude,

Does she love you?

 

She says yes.

 

Does she realise there is a problem?

yes

 

Is she willing to work to fix it?

She recognises she has a problem with no interest in physical intimacy. She recognises that it is affecting me, but this realisation just makes her more depressed. I don't think she believes there is any possibility that she will change.

 

This could make all the difference (or at least give a hope).

It would help.

[quercus.robur]

I think you have to look at what the woman's 'baseline' is. What was she like before marriage? If she wasn't sexual before, she won't be after.

Yes, she seemed to enjoy sex a lot in the first few years of marriage, and I cannot complain about following decade or so.

 

But if she was, then 'something' has 'happened'. In my observation, these are: children, fatigue, birth control pills, depression...

I believe that "something" is mental, kind of delusion (that she loves God and cannot love her husband), but I'm not a Dr to give a diagnosis, and she is refusing to seek help.

 

A woman who says 'I no longer love you' and rolls over is angry.

In fact there was no anger at all. "Forgive me please, but I no longer love you". "I will cook, care for you and kids..." But no love, no sex, not even touch or kiss...

[redtail]

Yes, she seemed to enjoy sex a lot in the first few years of marriage, and I cannot complain about following decade or so.

...

In fact there was no anger at all. "Forgive me please, but I no longer love you". "I will cook, care for you and kids..." But no love, no sex, not even touch or kiss...

 

It sounds like this isn't working for you, and for me, I have to say it would be a deal breaker. My wife and I would go to MC and fix it, or we'd have to part ways. That just seems like something broke because for me at least, this is a live in nanny, not a wife.

 

Have you suggested MC? Or does she just expect you to live your life with intimacy or affection?

 

Good luck to you!

[IronMaiden]

Yes, she seemed to enjoy sex a lot in the first few years of marriage, and I cannot complain about following decade or so.

 

 

I believe that "something" is mental, kind of delusion (that she loves God and cannot love her husband), but I'm not a Dr to give a diagnosis, and she is refusing to seek help.

 

 

In fact there was no anger at all. "Forgive me please, but I no longer love you". "I will cook, care for you and kids..." But no love, no sex, not even touch or kiss...

 

 

Hmmm, did she become more religious or fundamentalist in the last few years? Because you said your sex life was pretty good at one point. What was her mother like? What kind of marriage was modeled in her family of origin? Was sex looked at as something for procreation, but kind of 'dirty' for its own sake?

 

I still think there could be anger beneath some of this. Anger often manifests as passive agression or apathy, a total shutting off. It may not even be anger at you. Could be she feels her life didn't turn out the way she fantasized about, some dream that hasn't materialized.. ?

[quercus.robur]

IronMaiden, thank you for response,

Hmmm, did she become more religious or fundamentalist in the last few years?

Her upbringing was non-religious, she never went to church. I would say she was an atheist.

 

Now she claims to be a strong believer. However, she does not read the Bible, does not go to church, saying that she has direct connection with God and does not need any church. Her relationship with God is very special, the one that prevent her from loving her husband (or any other man), and she compares herself to Jesus. While having great respect for people of any faith, I find these and many other her new beliefs and views disturbing.

 

I mentioned my suspicion of a mental problem. Three years ago she had a psychotic episode, had been treated, and seemed like fine since. In the hindsight, I think she had this kind of religious thoughts all this time. She did not share them with anyone but me, and only since about a year ago.

So far these changes of her believes and views had implications only for our relationship (broken marriage), in almost every other aspect of life she behaves normal (or rather same as she always was). She work, do sports, rides bike, enjoys life. I sugggested her to go see doctor again, but she rejects this idea. As well as the idea to seek marriage counselling.

 

Was sex looked at as something for procreation, but kind of 'dirty' for its own sake?

No. She is and was aware of the importance of sex for marriage.

 

I still think there could be anger beneath some of this. Anger often manifests as passive agression or apathy, a total shutting off. It may not even be anger at you. Could be she feels her life didn't turn out the way she fantasized about, some dream that hasn't materialized.. ?

I am sure there is no anger.

Life did not turn up the way we saw it 18+ years ago. There were turmoils caused by circumstances beyond our control. Few years ago we started to see light at the end of the tunnel, many of the dreams started to come true….

[quercus.robur]

It sounds like this isn't working for you, and for me, I have to say it would be a deal breaker. My wife and I would go to MC and fix it, or we'd have to part ways. That just seems like something broke because for me at least, this is a live in nanny, not a wife.

You are right, that's not working for me!

Have you suggested MC? Or does she just expect you to live your life with intimacy or affection?

She rejects any suggestions that we have to repair our relationship/marriage. She likes it like it is.

She did mention possibility of divorse ("do you want a divorse? - fine!" like "why would a guy want it in this situation?"), but I was not ready to discuss details, still hoping that there is a way to save our marriage. I worry that our separation and divorse would be very hard on kids (10 and 16). How to explain them? Should I/we prepare them in advance?

[IronMaiden]

IronMaiden, thank you for response,

 

Her upbringing was non-religious, she never went to church. I would say she was an atheist.

 

Now she claims to be a strong believer. However, she does not read the Bible, does not go to church, saying that she has direct connection with God and does not need any church. Her relationship with God is very special, the one that prevent her from loving her husband (or any other man), and she compares herself to Jesus. While having great respect for people of any faith, I find these and many other her new beliefs and views disturbing.

 

I mentioned my suspicion of a mental problem. Three years ago she had a psychotic episode, had been treated, and seemed like fine since. In the hindsight, I think she had this kind of religious thoughts all this time. She did not share them with anyone but me, and only since about a year ago.

So far these changes of her believes and views had implications only for our relationship (broken marriage), in almost every other aspect of life she behaves normal (or rather same as she always was). She work, do sports, rides bike, enjoys life. I sugggested her to go see doctor again, but she rejects this idea. As well as the idea to seek marriage counselling.

 

 

No. She is and was aware of the importance of sex for marriage.

 

 

I am sure there is no anger.

Life did not turn up the way we saw it 18+ years ago. There were turmoils caused by circumstances beyond our control. Few years ago we started to see light at the end of the tunnel, many of the dreams started to come true….

 

 

With this new information, I think the clue to her disconnecting from you is in whatever has caused her mind to turn to these new religious beliefs. How did she come upon them? By herself, or did she meet some people who have influenced her thinking this way?

 

The psychotic episode, and then the feeling that she has a 'special' relationship with God and is comparing herself to Jesus is very concerning. Has she ever mentioned hearing voices telling her things, or ever hinted at that? What exactly happened during that psychotic incident? Her thinking then has obviously carried over from that and could be the clue to the problem. (Just a question for you to ponder- you don't have to share if you don't want to).

[quercus.robur]

With this new information, I think the clue to her disconnecting from you is in whatever has caused her mind to turn to these new religious beliefs.

Agree. Marriage was a priority, but she sees this new believe/role/mission as much more important, and cannot compromise.

How did she come upon them? By herself

Yes, I mentioned, she was an atheist and newer went to church. And does not have close friends (few from college years are far away).

The psychotic episode, and then the feeling that she has a 'special' relationship with God and is comparing herself to Jesus is very concerning. Has she ever mentioned hearing voices telling her things, or ever hinted at that? What exactly happened during that psychotic incident? Her thinking then has obviously carried over from that and could be the clue to the problem. (Just a question for you to ponder- you don't have to share if you don't want to).

I do not have any evidence that she heard voices.

 

Psychotic incident happened 3 years ago. For a few weeks she was talking about weird things, just an example, that she has to destroy all nuclear weapons and save the world, or that people get blessing when they see her. It became worse and at one point she went berserk, was screaming, tried to run away. We had to call ambulance, they called police… After night in the hospital, she was (looked and sounded) normal, but spent there a week. She was taking drugs for a month or so. Symptoms did not recur; she was taken off the drugs. (She also was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and takes hormone replacement since).

 

I agree that her current views and beliefs have some resemblance with the state of her mind three years ago. I am sure a psychologist or psychiatrist could help to dig it up. But this is not an option. She believes that she does not have any problem. (It’s me the one who has a problem). And, she is happy the way she is.

[Corporate]

56 yrs old, wife is 49. Four kids but only one left at home. Sex 1-2 times per week plus she gives me a BJ every 7-10 days, basically in recognition of the fact that my drive is higher than hers. Works for me...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Do you still pay your wife for sex?

[SarahRose]

This is what I don't understand. Every single married guy I know -- friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. all have the same complaint. They all say that they need about 4 time as much sex in their marriage than what they are getting. I am sure out of this bunch of guys, there are some that are real a--holes and don't deserve a good marriage. But what about the rest of us 90 out 100 guys that are doing everything right? Is the ideal life for a woman to be comfortable, safe and secure, and only have sex 5 times a year? Is that truly the dream life that most women desire?

 

What about us guys? Is the only way for us to have satisfying life for us to get a little on the side? This seems to be one of the biggest fears that women have. In almost any woman's magazine, infidelity is a hot topic: is he cheating, how to tell if he is cheating, what to do if he is cheating, etc. Yet, every single married male I know complains that they are not getting enough at home.

Before I got married, I could have sex nearly every night of the week if I wanted to. I used to get booty calls from women at all hours of the night. I had lots of good friends . I was the guy that all the other guys used to talk about that could get a different woman to go home with him every night at the bar. But, I wanted more out of life and (get this...) I no longer wanted to be treated like a piece of meat . Oh my gosh if I only knew.

 

So I got married, and now I am in the same boat with every other married guy I know. What is it about marriage that empowers a woman and chastises a man? Why do married women seem to want to destroy the one thing that they covet the most: their cherished, loyal relationship? The only couples I know with happy marriages, the man is getting a little on the side and the wife is blissfully ignorant. The men that have confided in me have told me it was either that or let the marriage die on the vine. Not one of the men said they needed more variety, or liked the thrill of the kill, etc. It has always been either cheat a little, or starve to death.

 

My search for answers continues....

 

I suspect some are lying.

 

What about the guys with low or no libido. In a group of guys they wouldn't dare say they aren't interested or she wants it too much. They would just go along with the group and say yeah I don't get enough either.

[SarahRose]

Im a female age 49 married 1 year husband aged 30.

 

I really would like sex every day!

 

Our sex life had dwindled down to 2-3 times a month. He always had excuses of being tired or something.

 

I thought he had a low sex drive.

 

I was wrong. He had a porn problem.

 

He has given up the porn and our sex life is back pretty good. It is maybe 2 times a week now. I have been tired and down lately so that is ok with me.

[jenifer1972]

SarahRose, how on earth did you get him to give it up? Did the earth tilt on its axis and I missed it?

[AVR1962]

Married 18 years, ages 47 & 50, 5 kids and have not had sex in 6 months, no cheating on either side.

[Secure]

Female, married 10 years, 2 toddlers. Sex 1-2 times a month and I have been starved for years. Want sex far more often but husband turns me off for various reasons. And he is fully aware. Also makes little efforts to arouse me.

 

I would not doubt that many of these posters have women who are also sex starved.

 

 

• What some women NEED is to be told how sexy she is outside of the bedroom, tell her over the phone while she is at work. Or that she is the sexiest woman in a room of 20.
  
• Show affection toward her other times than when you want sex.
  
• Hold her hand while watching a movie with the children or sit close and kiss her on the neck while you have visitors. That way you are showing physical touch other than when it's time for sex.
  
• Tell her the day after sex how much you enjoyed her body and specifically tell her how a certain act she performed was awesome to you.
  
• Worship her body sometimes. Give your wife a fully body massage for 30 minutes. Initiate a bubble bath together to relax.
  

 

I wonder if the guys who complain about not having much sex at home are doing these type of gestures. Very difficult to work, take care of children, cook, clean, and give of yourself all day long. Finally get your children to bed and 10pm arrives and finally you are of great interest to your husband.

 

These are a few reasons why women cheat.