Cure for jealousy, i hate it, but can't help it!!

[monkey]

I know it's not good, wrong & her perogative but i'm a jealous guy.

My seperated one is in the States & i'm in England.

Before i came back we visited the beach regularly. One day these guys turned up to play volleyball, about 5 of them we joined them in a game. I could see them looking at my gf because she's gorgeous, long brown hair lovely figure & sexy european accent.

Anyway i'm in England now having space & she went to the beach alone once & was reading & the guys arrived again & she played 1 game with them & one guy asked her out, she refused because she says she wants to be alone & anyway these were young immature young show offs..

She told me this on email & my paranoid thoughts started. I asked her of this & she said it wasn't my business!! but she wants no-one, just her freedom! When i was there, men used to stare at her & check out her ass when we cycled together & it never bothered me.

This space is her idea, although i have to be here because of visa situation & she is a nanny there.

I love her & think of her always & this feeling eats at me all the time, i hate it but can't help it. Is there a cure!

[Tony T]

You may want to get some counselling. You need to cease contact with this lady and begin a whole new life...without her in your thoughts. She is history.

[monkey]

she emails me regularly & says never say never to me.

other people who post the problems they have, however unreconcilable get support. I just get told to pull my finger out & forget her, it's only been 2 months & i'm very upset by this. We were together 16 happy months. This is very fresh still.

People are told to vent there anxietys on here, why is it so different in my case??

[monkey]

I can't believe Tony's reaction to this! I had a medical problem that i couldn't help, my gf helped me for a month, as i would have done unconditionaly for her.

Ok, she hurted, but not all times are so smooth..

I went home & found out i was decieved & that most of the things she said were to help me go home for treatment. That this person who we spent 15 months caring, being close & in love could do this, turns my stomach.

I'm the one hurting so much & yet i'm being made to feel like it's my fault!

I can't help that i love & think of her, even after this. I forgive her, & she says she knows this wasn't my fault, but it hurt her. I know this!

[monkey]

She wants to see me when i'm well & have changed, but says she can find another man.

If i'm changed, i can be that other man.

I'm just so upset, i can't imagine her with another & using little nicknames that she used with me, i've done nothing wrong apart from have anxiety problem. She told me i'd see her & see what happens on that day, just the chance to show her my change, nothing written in stone.

[moimeme]

The paradox is that your continued obsessing about her shows precisely that you aren't well or changed yet

[doniker]

Your lucky, I have never really dated any women that were hot enough that other guys stared, my wife now is over 300 lbs.!

[monkey]

I am having Cognitive therapy classes, i just feel hurt & upset by it all & don't know how she could do this. I'm not very old & don't go through life screwing everything that walks like lots of people i know.

Relationships mean something to me & i'm sensitive & i love her & thinks of her.

15 months of constant togetherness & then this is hard for me.

Am i so bad for actually caring & missing. It just affects me more than some.

[meanon]

Hey Monkey. People are trying to help but they don't know your situation so they don't personalise it (in my view). Maybe if you explained more fully you would get a more tailored response, otherwise just ignore the stuff that doesn't help and tune in to the stuff that does. This is a good life lesson anyway.

 

Try to set yourself realistic goals and give yourself credit for achieving them. You said in another thread that yu had stopped contacting her. That's such a big step. Now you need to make sure she doesn't contact you. You need a break in order to get well. The jealousy and obsessing will continue for longer with the contact.

 

She's unlikely to have told you about those guys on the beach if she was interested in them. It's much more likely she was referring to a time you were happy together to show she remembered the good times.

 

You have unfinished business with her but you will not be able to resolve things until you are well. You are not bad for caring and missing - one day you will meet a woman who values you for these special qualities.

 

Hang in there - therapy is a hard road at first. Are you seeing a doctor too? If not do seek extra help if you feel too low. LS is here for you too - take care.

[monkey]

I'm sure these others on here remember my first posts about my situation. I know that this girl isn't like this, i couldn't live with myself if i had done it, i mean if being together 15 months sharing special times & intimacy means anything to her, how could she treat me like this.

I just hope that the things she said, were just in anger & when she's had space she can sit down & realise how she's hurt me. I'm just sickk to the stomach by it all & if she wanted me to get my nervous problem sorted out, this isn't a good way of doing it. Telling me here instead of there doesn't help me, only her. All i need is for her to fulfill her promises. These will help me & give me a focus. To just meet as friends & see.

Thanks

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by monkey

I just hope that the things she said, were just in anger & when she's had space she can sit down & realise how she's hurt me.

 

This is a delusion, a 'goal' that your mind creates in order to deal with pain. Such goals are rarely met, perhaps as a survival mechanism for the pain to continue.

[meanon]

Telling me here instead of there doesn't help me, only her

 

That's such a fine thing to see! The first thing you have volunteered that shows you know she is acting in her own interests, not yours. Of course the 15 months meant something to her - the same as it did to you. But she couldn't cope with your illness. No blame, remember?

 

She can't deliver on her promises - not now anyway. Best to get well for yourself - a solid recovery that no-one can shake. If you have to do it for her then so be it. Just stop the contact until you are better.

[monkey]

Look, would you be able to lye to someone everyday for a month, someone you spent 15 good months with & not feel some kind of guilt. I know she felt bad by my illness that i couldn't help & i over mailed her initially & pissed her off, but i felt decieved. Wouldn't you kinda bad about this after things settle. I know i would, but mabe i'm just too trusting &sensitive, which is not good nowadays!

[meanon]

You are right to feel deceived. She was weak, she should have told you the truth - she owed you that. It doesn't mean she didn't care for you - just that she couldn't cope and thought it was safer to tell you what you wanted to here. This girl is no good for you, I'm glad you are beginning to see that. You miss her yes, but think less of her for what you now know she is like.

[monkey]

She says she didn't want to be with me when i was crying a lot & being insecure & asking for reassurance, i had resigned to being just her friend before this, but she promised me that when i was well we'd get together & see how things went.

 

I understand she didn't want to be with me when i was like this, but she says she did it for me as she was scared at what i may have done had i been alone & that i wouldn't have got on the plane & then been homeless.

She's had enough of me but wants me to iron myself out & sort myself out. If i'll be different, i can't understand why she won't try again, but as friends first & see, i've said if she feels nothing, i'll go home. She wants to meet me, but isn't coming to England, which means i either meet with her in her country (Hungary), which means i'd have to stay with her, or i'd go to the States, which means i'd have to stay with her, providing she'l be there. Her visa is up at end of this month.

But your right Meanon, i'll just focus on being well & wait for her, i just hope it's a cat & mouse situation, or even a carrot & stick. I'm just so confused, surely i deserve to sit down properly with her. Can i trust anyone again, i don't know!

[moimeme]

Monkey - this sort of stuff happens to people who lived with each other and pledged love for years. You really do need to start getting some perspective on this. This is the exact same situation that has happened to many, many LSers. Yes, you wonder if it was ever true but the thing is that love CAN die. You start out by finding out the best in a person and it is easy to love the best in a person - or to have infatuation over that person. Then you find out more and more about the rest of their personalities, and then the illusion starts to crack and reality sets in. The initial flush of romantic love which is fuelled by hormones can start to fizzle between 3 and 18 months. Yours fizzled right on schedule because she learned that you were not what she first thought you were.

 

This is why you can't trust that first romantic phase very much. Many, many, MANY relationships do not last and every one of them was as passionate and loving as yours was. She didn't lie, she hoped that the feelings she had could be restarted but they could not. It's happened to me and to a bazillion other people - it doesn't mean she didn't believe they were real in the beginning because they were - but they were based on too little information. When she found out more information, her feelings changed. Whether or not your condition is permanent doesn't matter; once love has been killed off, it's pretty much impossible to start up again.

 

You will do yourself the greatest of favours and speed your own healing if you start learning to let go of the idea of her and prepare to move on.

[monkey]

Yes but i'm not asking her to be my gf again, just to get together & show her my medical change. THIS IS WHAT SHE TOLD ME.

This is all about my anxiety that hurt her, she knows it wasn't how i am, i am a confident bubbly person, this illness turned me into a nervous wreck. When she sees that i will be well in the future, because i'm working so hard on it with different therapys.

Does no-one believe in this kind of thing bonding people. My 93 year old grandmother told me it does & she's living proof, she was married 68 yrs & they seperated 3 times because of unfaithfulness, a much worse thing than an illness, but only seperated in the end through death.

 

She knew of my anxiety i had before we met, it just resurfaced again. This is nothing to do with a romantic thing fizzling out, we were always like that from day one, but this hasn't been worked on at all. I understand her feeling after she saw me with this problem, but she wants me to change & i am doing, i've changed a lot of things in my life & intend to show her & i know we can love again, even though now she needs space. I will be like her meeting a stranger. I'm no quitter, i work so hard on this. There comes a time & this is mine! Love can be damaged but not broken!

[KristinBean]

Monkey,

 

I'm am trying to read all your posts and figure out the specifics, and although I don't have them all, I am gathering the impression that it is indeed time for you to move on.

I think part of your current anxiety may be attributed to the fact that you realize this deep down, but don't know how to let go. You state in your last post that :

 

"Yes but i'm not asking her to be my gf again, just to get together & show her my medical change. THIS IS WHAT SHE TOLD ME"

 

Obviously, she has stated that a gf+bf relationship is not possible at this time according to the first half of this statement, and I think although you know in your heart she does not want to be involved anymore, you are still looking for a way to force this relationship back on her, as indicated by the second half of your statement. I think if truth be told, some people lack what it takes to be brutally honest with others, (she towards you, specifically), especially when there do care for that person. After all, nobody wants to hurt and nobody wants to be responsible for causing hurt. In your statement, you are still insisting that If you can "just get together", you could show her you changed. Monkey, if your changing is truly important to her, then she will make the attempt to meet with you, but you can't force this on her. Your insistance will drive her away only more so.

 

Another point of my concern for you is that you state: "Does no-one believe in this kind of thing bonding people". Yes, I do, and it's a very real thing, but the "bonding thing" is 2 way. You can't have the "bonding thing" without the other person committing to it. Infact, "bonding" means that this would never be a question to you.

 

I am concerned that you are looking for ways to justify your relationship with her. You have to allow her the choice to stay with you or leave. It sounds like she is ready to move on, Monkey. I am sorry to say that and of course, I could be wrong, but I just don't think so. You've got to get a hold of this and start dealing with it. In other words, you've got to stop evaluating everything she said while attempting to manipulate it into a chance to get back together. Let her go, and she will come back if it's meant to be.

 

Good luck. How does your therapist view this situation?

[monkey]

People always say things in anger, she says she cares for me & i'm a better person now than we met, i'm ironing out my problems She promised me i could meet with her, as friends & see how it goes, thats all no definates.

I'm very sensitive & when i'm with someone i want them forever & will not give up on it. After all the love we shared & closeness, how can someone being ill change that. I'm not asking her to jump in bed with me, just to do as she said. I know she's not this kind of person. My mum & her never got on because she's foreign & when we visited her country, my mum said she'd leave me, i defended her all the time & now i don't speak to my family, my girl never lied to me & i know recentlt i over emailed her & didn't give her space & she was angry, but no-one thinks of my feeling.

My nan was married 68 years & is 93 now, she tells me to prove my love & she'll come back when she's had time, no-one with a heart can do this. How can someone lye to me for a month, especially her. I sacrificed everything to be with her, my job , my family & friends & now i'm all alone, so there's no-way i'll hive up & in the future look back in regret, no way. I'm doing everything i said i'd do, just my chance now from her, this is nothing.

[KristinBean]

Originally posted by monkey

I'm very sensitive & when i'm with someone i want them forever & will not give up on it. After all the love we shared & closeness, how can someone being ill change that. I'm not asking her to jump in bed with me, just to do as she said. I know she's not this kind of person.

 

Monkey,

 

It's pretty obvious that it's over from her side. No matter what she promised, she is not willing, at this time, to do what she has previously offered. It is time to "give up" on this, for your own mental health.

 

As I asked earlier, what is your counsellor saying about your current situation with her? You haven't answered that.

 

Anyway, I am sorry, but you have got to let her go,,,,, but you refuse. You need some help dealing with this as your comments are not appearing to be rational. Please seek the help you need and you may be surprised at how much easier this situation will be.

 

Good luck

[monkey]

i just looked at photos & a letter she wrote me that this is just see you soon not goodbye. I don't believe she can do this she says this is not over & we willl see each other very soon. I love her so much. I thought all had changed for me.

i'm so upset

[meanon]

If someone is unfaithful and they split up with their partner, this is because their partner doesn't trust them, doesn't want to be hurt again, doesn't believe they can love each other again. In cases where the relationship is regained there is a specific fault to remedy or proof of love needed.

 

This is not your situation - you did nothing wrong. She knows that you love her - I can see no purpose in trying to prove your love. She couldn't cope - that's all. Rather than admit that she blamed you. Let her go - this is doing you harm. You need to focus on yourself, not her.

 

Who knows what the future holds? I hope that for you it holds a relationship with someone who would be glad to support you if you became ill - that doesn't seem too much to ask.

 

You say that you want to meet her as friends to prove you are better but it is clear you then expect the relationship to be resumed. Can you not see the risk you are taking with your recovery?

 

I'm sure you will meet her again when you are well. To get well you need to have no contact with her and stop worrying about whether you will get back together. Your attention needs to be focused on yourself and your recovery, not on her. Please try to put this matter of the future to one side for now and concentrate on yourself.

 

Please do reconcile with your family. Ask them not to discuss her. You need their support. You will begin to feel better soon if you give yourself a fighting chance to get well.

[monkey]

I know she is mad at the moment with me because i sent her more emails than i said, but i just was upset. She changed before, so she can again.

Just i must listen to what she wants, but i can't say anything, why we can't go 50/50.

I'm reading the ebook "how to get your ex back", it emphasizes becoming attractive to her again & show her your happy & a limited contact thing, most things what everyone is saying. Reading this makes me feel this is all some kind of test to see how i react on my own & that will make up her mind as to our future. I realy do feel this.

By seeing her when i'm well, i will be totally different, i already have improved a lot, it's just i miss her & it's not helping! putting her out of my mind is easier said than done. I know what i have to improve & am doing this, i will be better than the person she was in love with.

This has lowered my confidence because before i met her i was in a rut & then i felt so confident when i met her & my dream of living abroad with the girl i love was becoming reality. I was thinking to myself of a happy future, with all that comes with it. All i want to do is talk to her. I feel so frustrated i can't, i have developed more grey hairs.

I'll wait for her to contact me, but there never was a "no contact rule", just the content of the mails was the thing!. My last mail was simple, just that i think of her, & i'm there for her. I'm just impatient. I'm doing all i can for my therapy for my panic attacks, just why she can't say "ok, we'll meet in 8 weeks", this would be a focus & help me. Ok it may not work out but she'd see a new person. I tyred of being hurt. I was hurt so much in the month before i leaft, i thought coming here to be well was the start of being happy again, for us. I want to tell her this but don't want to push her.

I just can't believe it all, i love her so much & can give her loyalty & caring & be there, i just hope she can see.

[maxmuscle]

Monkey,

 

Trust me, she knows you love her to the end of the earth. You should feel a little better about your situation because you did nothing wrong to her. You only love/loved her. Sometimes illness can be tough to deal with, especially the person who is sick and their personality changes. She may very well still love you, but she is affraid of the sickness/illness: personality changes, such as mood swings, depression, lack of confidence, and neediness. You really need to limit the volume of emails you are sending her, that is sending a signal of being needy for her support to over come this illness. Show her you can do it on your own. True love is so hard to find in this century, sometimes when I read some these post on this forum, people act like true love just falls out of the sky because if that is the case none of us will be still posting on this forums. You gave your ex true love, hopefully she wakes up and see your true worth before you get over her and move on.......

[monkey]

I hope your right max, she told me it was my chance to come here & get well, but after i got home & heard other stuff, i was understandably upset & contacted her a lot, this hasn't worked so i hope the 'no contact ' will.

Why he says she will never want me, i don't know this, mabe she is speaking from her current feelings! Who can be so sure about the future, it just hurts after all the things we did together, looking into each others eyes & saying how much we love each other & now this. Why??