Speak up or Shut up??

[HurtinginVA]

I hate re-capping. (Discovered 2 month long affair in begining of Dec. Since then, H and I are "trying" to make our marriage work, he hates talking about it all though bc it makes him think of his previous feelings.....or something like that)

 

Okay, so give it time, give it time is the mantra I hear from you LS'ers. Give me a second to move this award I just got for "Most impatient person in North America". Alrighty. I havent brought up the subject of "us" to H in 5 days. What's 5 days you may think, but for me, it's a L-O-N-G time.

 

Im faced with the fact that for almost 2 years my H wanted out but never had the nerve to say so. During that time I was oblivious as most BS's are......he was(is?) a good liar, pretender, whatever you want to call it. Since Dday, and our decision to reconcile, everytime we HAVE talked about "us" and his feelings towards our marriage, he has said that the feelings he had arent as strong but are still there, "cant expect me to go from feeling like that for almost 2 years, to being happily married in a month". Understandable. Of course he cant.

 

What I wanna know is, where is he at in it all? Is he feeling more confindent in our marriage? Does he still feel like he's "gotta get away"? He doesnt act like it, AT ALL, but is that just really good pretending like he's done for so long? He's promised that he wont lie to me about ANYTHING anymore, and I believe it because of some of the things he's said (kinda mean but honest) He mentions it every so often too, how I will get nothing but "the cold hard truth" from him. But he has been so........wonderful.......I guess Im just worried that all of this that we are doing is for nothing if his feelings are still the same, ya know?

 

Should I bring it up......maybe wait a week or two? Never bring it up? Help! LOL

[Arabess]

I realize problems aren't solved overnight in a 'McMarriage' fashion....but the not knowing where I stand would drive me INSANE! I just don't have the personality to wait.

 

Is he excited over the Vegas trip which is coming up?

[Errol]

Are you two seeing a counselor? What does the counselor say?

 

Instead of popping the conversation open without giving him any time to think about and prepare to discuss it, maybe you could set a time to discuss your relationship - like scheduling a meeting, complete with an agenda and guidelines, that way neither of you will feel pressured to talk about something you are not ready to talk about and yet will be able to get some concerns addressed.

[HurtinginVA]

Completely excited. Keeps singing that "Viva, Las Vegas" song LOL

 

It IS driving me insane. Last time we talked, where we stand is: We are both trying to change/grow together in order to keep this marriage intact. He still feels leary about it all, scared things are going to get bad, like they were, but he's hoping they dont etc etc......I just wanna know how he's feeling, like, are you happier? Have your feelings towards me and our marriage changed at all? Do you really want to be here, doing this? I just think it may aggravate him if I ask.

 

We have a weekend (KID FREE WOOOOOHOOOOOOO) planned this coming weekend, seeing 3 doors dow/Tantric in concert Friday night, whole weekend at Radisson at Waterside..........maybe I should wait till after that? I dunno.

 

Darn feelings! LOL

[xalysabethh]

hurting

 

i'm exactly like you in aug-sept me and my H were trying 2 make it work and i always wanted to talk bout things i couldnt be patient but if i were you id defiantly try o wait till your big weekend is over maybe he;ll be more relaxed. good kuck

xalysabeth

[moimeme]

Hurting

 

for a while, why not focus yourself on judging his actions rather than making him account for his feelings? You're going to have a great weekend away and he's excited about going away with you. Focus on that.

 

I know how you feel. You don't want to allow yourself to think everything's ok in case it's not. You want permission to go off your high state of alert. Yes, it's uncomfortable but I think you need to suck it up a while longer. When a relationship is troubled, sometimes it's much better to not take its temperature every five minutes. It will take time and you do have to be patient.

 

Sublimate your wishes to prod him about how he feels. Journal until your fingers fall off. And observe his behaviour. It sounds as though he's becoming reinvested in the relationship - so let that ride for a bit. Enjoy every good thing and work hard to make it as great as it can be. Instead of focusing on the state of the relationship, focus on the enjoyment you are both having and try to make it a great time. Maybe at the end of the weekend, when you're both saying what a great time you've had, you can toss in, very lightly and jokingly, 'so, think you'll keep me'? I'm guessing you'll get a hearty YES.

[meanon]

If it were me I'd be working on the "not getting up enough nerve to tell you he wanted out for TWO YEARS"!!?! This would be the crux of the problem for me - can I now trust his actions or is he still concealing his thoughts? I would need to understand the reasons he didn't speak up and be sure we had sorted them out and that I believed he would be honest in future. It's too much to ask (in my view) for you to deal with the betrayal of an affair, the fact that his feelings are no longer as strong and the uncertainty over whether his nerve will be lacking again. He may not be able to do much about the first two issues but he can do a whole lot about the last one.

 

If you feel you have addressed this (you say he has promised you the whole hard truth - is this only when you ask?) then maybe you need to tell him that the not knowing how he felt for so long can't be forgotten overnight so to reassure you he's not thinking of bailing out he needs to tell you often (tell him how often). To much pressure will damage the relationship but at the same time he created this situation and has a responsibility to address the consequences - you being unnecessarily anxious isn't going to be good for the relationship either.