Should I still support her to show that I care to win her back?

[chuckaaa]

My girlfriend and I are splitting up and it seems that this time the separation could be final. She is 23 and I am 27 and was my first kiss, first love. It was so hard to find her. I has been a week since I moved out of the house to live with my father. I am devastated over this and she seems to be fine with it. We have a 3 year old boy and I don't want to loose this family. I'm relizing too late that I might have saved this if I appreciated what I had a long time ago. She has decided to not listen to any more of my pleas to change and find a job, get help for my depression, to be a good, loving person for her. She says she is sick of being my counsler, support, ect. This time it feels so final and I have been panicking, contemplating and theatening suicide, and feel I can not change with her being there for me. She has been complaining and giving me signs for a long time but I failed to act on most of them. I know I can change now because this feels so final, but I wont have the change to if I'm not with her everyday to let her see how my thinking has changed. And I dont want our son to have separated parents.

 

I have been depressed for along time and this breakup has led me to work on my medication and get counseling and rethink of the way I have treated her. She has urged me to do this for a long time but I felt I was ok. The problem now is that my depression is worse than it ever has been before, and I can't help myself with all of this pain. I was trying to find a job- but not hard enough. I was trying to take care of our son- but not hard enough. I was trying and I thought I was getting better and then this happened. I'm realizing too late that I might have saved this if I appreciated what I had a long time ago. I would try now, and with therapy and antidepressants I could deal with all the anger, self-hatred, and selfishness that made it so difficult for us to get along. If I would have treated my depression I could have dealt with our problems? How do I make her see that?

 

I want show her that I still care and am getting help, have found a job, and have a whole new attitude about healing this relationship. But should I continue pay the bills at the house that she needs to survive and continue her education? Should I let her keep all my stuff? How do I tell if she is using me? She has allways had a problem with spending money- borrowing for friends, family, has student loans, creditors calling all the time, she lost all of her banking privliges, she rang up 6000 dallars on my credit cards without permission, ect, ect. I f I stop supporting her, I think that I will be showing that I don't care for her, and that my son will suffer, that I am still selfish. Should I help her with her debt so she can finish school- which will ultimately help my son, or do I break off all ties besides an arranged relationship with my son?

 

 

 

 

 

chuckaaa

[cdn]

From the sound of things, if your relationship isn't over, it definitely needs a break. The two things you must do are to:

 

1. Get yourself the help you need to treat your depression, which will allow you to keep your job and work on the issues this failed relationship has brought to light; and

 

2. Provide for your son emotionally and financially. You and your gf need to work out a schedule for custody, visitation and financial support. Supporting your son is something you must do as part of your responsibility to him, not to show something to your gf (nor to punish her by withholding).

 

For what it's worth, I don't recommend supporting your gf (this is separate from supporting your son; it is the difference between child support and alimony) as a way to show her that you care for her. I suspect she would be using you. Based on what you've mentioned of her track record in this area, it would seem that there is a very fine line between supporting her and enabling her poor financial decisions. It is time for her to learn how to manage her own finances.

 

A reconciliation, if it comes at all, will occur only after you have both cleaned your respective houses, imo.

[chuckaaa]

Thanks for the advice.

I love her so much, but it is the story of the boy who cried wolf. I had chances but never saw the finality of losing someone you really love and took advantage of. That's not to say that she never took advantage of me- I don't know. It is so hard to think that my depression may have destroyed this whole thing. If she gave me another chance I would help her solve her credit problems and maybee she would work with me a final time in dealing with my sickness. I'm not mad at her for her financial irresponibility, it just bothered me. But I reacted to it in a hostile way a lot of the time- as with other stressors in my life- and I think that is what drove her away. I accumulated my own debts as well- just not as much. If only had known that my father would've helped us when we really needed it. I was so afraid to ask him. I wanted to support our family and buy everything for her but it was so hard because I had a job for two years that was a bottomless hole. I kept thinking it would work out or at least I'd get good experience for doing it. I decided not to give up on her because she did not give up on me for so long. I just hope she is being honest with me. Either way, I love my son and have to get a job even though I'm so depressed to support him. It is so hard. I got a job today and start in two weeks but I may have to hold off for awhile before my medication for depression sets in. She is right- I have to be strong and carry on for myself. It's just that I was frustrated with everything. And there were times when I wanted to be with someone else but someone told me everyone feels that way sometimes. I NEVER cheated on her but came close a few times but stopped even before any contact took place- because she really meant so much to me. She thinks it was just because I was too scared to do so. She can't beleive me now- that I want to change- she gave up. But I still beleive she might. I hope she finds happiness, whatever her desision is. But it would have been great to try to work things out again. I am afraid of losing her but they say if you love something, you have to let it go. And I never planned to use my son against her- I m sorry if that came off the same way. And I want her to succeed in school and help her though it. I have been so proud of her but too concerend with my own pain that I forgot to tell her. I wish she could see into my heart.

[Arabess]

I love my son and have to get a job even though I'm so depressed to support him. It is so hard. I got a job today and start in two weeks but I may have to hold off for awhile before my medication for depression sets in. She is right- I have to be strong and carry on for myself.

 

 

 

Chuck,

If you even want to THINK about getting her respect back....prove to her you can be a 'lover' and not just a 'liability'.

 

I'm not being harsh...I've just heard it all before. Women, especially MOTHER'S, get tired of carrying the load while some guy is having 'emotional problems'. If you can pull it together enough to sustain a relationship to the point of having sex and producing a child.....you can get handle getting yourself a JOB! Don't use 'depression' as an excuse.

 

I have MANY down days and also have Lupus....BUT - I work like a dog 10-12 hours a day. People who don't work...don't WANT to work. They want life to be a free ride. It doesn't work that way. You owe it to your son to be better than that.

 

Don't just TRY...make it HAPPEN!

 

If you care enough.....you will do this. It's the only way to achieve getting back her respect and trust in you.

[jmargel]

chuck,

 

as hard as this might sound right now, u need to start concentrating on yourself. Only til you get yourself better, can you be a better person for her & your son. Even though you are taking alot of the blame, she was the one who ended it. Don't keep her in your life just purely on financial security. It won't work.

 

What you need to do is start seeing a councilor, right away. Not for you two, but YOU. Start trying to enjoy life & make short term goals. You can't change the past. Sounds like you feel guilty about what you did, but you need to start concentrating on the future.

 

I can't promise you she'll come back, there are never any guarantees.. But if you let your depression take over & you kill yourself then you will never know if she does come back or not. Also your son would be without a father. I've been through the depression & the suicidal thoughts. I had mine planned out when my ex left. Its an awful thing to go through but you aren't alone.

 

Don't beg her to come back, sounds like she needs time to sort things out. Let her miss you some, thats the only way both you can start to recover & for her to start thinking things through.