"soulmates"

[zashing]

you know how there is a belief that everyone has a soulmate, that one person that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. Does that apply for best friends? Is there such a thing as someone that you were destined to be best friends with all along. How do you know who that is? Is it just the feeling inside that you know they are?

[ADF]

The idea of having a soul mate is childish. No two people are so perfectly matched as to "made" for each other. All loving relationships are sustained by hard work and commitment, not perfect compatibility. Forget about finding a soul mate. No such person exists.

[TooShyToSayHi]

Absolutely. The term "soul mate" really has nothing to do with romance. There also isn't just one soul mate for everyone. We have many soul mates in a lifetime, each occupies a very special place in our lives.

 

Sometimes a soul mate is that friend we "recognized" and clicked with the moment we met. Sometimes it's a parent, sibling, even a pet. And yes, sometimes it is a lover or spouse.

 

In many spiritual traditions, a soul mate is someone we made a sacred contract with before birth, to serve very important functions in life. Not all soul mate unions are pleasant ones. They are in our lives to teach us things. Have you ever met someone and instantly disliked them, but still felt like they were a powerful presence? You feel like your dislike for them goes very deep? That could have been a soul mate as well, someone who is here to teach you about something unpleasant.

 

The romanticizing of the term soul mate is a misnomer. What people consider a soul mate is often a "twin flame." Someone who we feel completes us, whether that be a friend or a partner.

 

If you Google "twin flame" I think you will find some very interesting things. I'm so glad you have a best friend that you feel is a soul mate. That's a very rare and beautiful thing. I wish you both the best of everything on your journey.

[Ronni_W]

zashing,

I've read that there are different types of "soul mates" for different types of relationships, yes -- and that a "soul mate" is not so much one specific person as a "type of energy", or specific qualities and characteristics that will inspire, encourage and support us in our own endeavours, within whatever type of relationship (friend, lover, colleague, parent, etc.)

 

So, the idea of wanting or having one specific person to be there for/with us for "lifelong" and/or "eternity" is not all that accurate -- that can just make us feel needy and dependent.

 

We do need to be aware to not try to control and manipulate others by calling them a "soul mate" -- and of course to not allow ourselves to be thus controlled and manipulated.

[Eeyore79]

I don't believe in soul mates - I think there are numerous people you could be equally happy with, and you just have to find one of them. The same goes for friends - you aren't destined to have particular friends, but you do sometimes click with people who you're lucky enough to meet.

[zashing]

Another question,

if there was such a thing as a "true best friend" ie. you only have one best friend in your whole lifetime (one for each gender). just saying

would your "true best friend" of the opposite sex be the perfect person to start a relationship with? (in an ideal situation)

just wondering...

[Ronni_W]

if there was such a thing as a "true best friend" ie. you only have one best friend in your whole lifetime

Not that I've heard of, no. There is always growth and change happening. Our own needs, desires and goals will change, as will those of the people around us. A relationship that is "perfect" now will usually not always be perfect. Change will happen.

Also, there are limits to personal resources -- it's unrealistic to expect ONE person to be capable and always available to meet whatever our in-the-moment needs of them.

 

Relying so heavily on just ONE person is needy, clingy and dependent -- that only works when we are kids. We need to mature our outlook and expand our circle of support from around age 12 or 13.

 

It sounds as if you are developing romantic feelings for someone who has thus far been a platonic friend, and are looking for ways to talk him/her into a romantic relationship with you...or looking to make your feelings 'okay' within yourself.

 

Sometimes it can work out, that "best friends" become "great partners" but there are no guarantees, not for ANY relationship of ANY type. You could even have a 10-year excellent relationship with this "best friend" before it craps out...or you could live happily together until death you do part.

[zashing]

you caught me out haha, i never intended to have feelings for my best friend, i always knew that we would always be best friends but yeah, she was there for me one of my darkest times and she's one of the main reasons i feel as happy as i do at this present time. I enjoy being just her best friend and as much as i would enjoy being more than just a friend to her it can't work out now seeing as she has a boyfriend and to be honest i don't it to work out now because we're still quite young (17). i just don't know how to control my feelings, we've talked about it too. I wish i could just go back to that platonic sort of feeling but because i care for her so much as a friend and she to me i think it kinda spilled over haha, any advice?

[Ronni_W]

Well...it sounds as if you're doing a number on yourself by over-romanticizing your experience of being supported and over-idealizing this one person.

 

In reality, all that happened is that you were lucky enough to have a "right person" in your life at the "right time". This does not equal to soul mates and/or best friends forever and ever amen. She just so happens to have been the person who supported you...but it could have been anyone else, too.

 

Your thoughts and self-talk about "soul mates" and "eternal best friends" are actually driving-controlling your feelings. So, when you start changing how you're thinking and talking about her, that will lead to changes in your feelings about her.

 

Part of your (new) self-talk ought to include that she is not interested in you, romantically. Be grateful that she was there when you needed her most, and remind yourself that you no longer need her like that. Tell yourself that you do not wish to, and have no intention of, becoming emotionally dependent, clingy and needy of just ANY single person in your life. Remind yourself that she is not your "soul mate" and be realistic about the fact that she will likely not turn out to be in your life forever.

 

Part of your (new) behaviour ought to include making new friends, possibly by joining a sports, hobby or other special-interest group.

 

I get that being on the "wrong" side of an unrequited crush sucks -- but you're the only one with the power to change your thoughts and self-talk, and thus, your own feelings.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[summerautumn]

I definitely can empathize, because this has happened to me as well, and I understand your situation. I am totally with TooShyToSayHi regarding the definition of soulmates. Soulmates has all to do with reincarnation, if you don't believe in that, then don't try to wrap your head around the term, it will only be confusing. If you do believe in reincarnation, then understand that your friend is someone you've known before, and she has been with you to support you during your difficulties. As such person, don't romanticize your feelings, but also don't ignore them. The biggest question you have to ask yourself is whether there is true sexual chemistry between you. One needs mental, emotional and sexual connection with someone. You two have the first two, but without the last one, a relationship will be doomed. Yet, your emotions are tugging at you right now. Understand that this girl is here to teach you something and you her, and when you approach it in this way, you can gain more perspective.

[threebyfate]

We have no souls hence the meeting of two imaginary entities can't happen.

[alphamale]

you know how there is a belief that everyone has a soulmate, that one person that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. Does that apply for best friends?

no i think it just applies to lovers

 

Is there such a thing as someone that you were destined to be best friends with all along.

probably

 

How do you know who that is? Is it just the feeling inside that you know they are?

i don't know

[D-Lish]

I've never believed in the idea that there is only one person out there that is truly qualified to complete us.

 

Plato's "Symposium" had Aristophanes explaining that humans once had 4 legs, arms, and 2 faces. They were powerful in this form and threatened the gods- so Zuess decided to split them in two. Hence the notion that humans spend their lives seeking out their other half.

 

It's simply a romantic notion, the idea of soulmates.

[alphamale]

I've never believed in the idea that there is only one person out there that is truly qualified to complete us..

indeed D-L....many women could "complete" me

[threebyfate]

I've never believed in the idea that there is only one person out there that is truly qualified to complete us.

 

Plato's "Symposium" had Aristophanes explaining that humans once had 4 legs, arms, and 2 faces. They were powerful in this form and threatened the gods- so Zuess decided to split them in two. Hence the notion that humans spend their lives seeking out their other half.

 

It's simply a romantic notion, the idea of soulmates.

Wow, imagine the Olympics!

 

Commentator: There appears to be some conflict in the athlete from Canada. He's arguing with himself. Hope he resolves this soon, since time is running out.

 

Does this mean that Siamese twins are by default, soulmates?

[alphamale]

Does this mean that Siamese twins are by default, soulmates?

no...if they found another set of mutually compatible siamese twins of the opposite sex then they would be "soulmates"

[D-Lish]

Wow, imagine the Olympics!

 

Commentator: There appears to be some conflict in the athlete from Canada. He's arguing with himself. Hope he resolves this soon, since time is running out.

 

Does this mean that Siamese twins are by default, soulmates?

 

Lol- by definition, close. Potentially, some UFC matches could potentially end in kissing...

[zashing]

One needs mental, emotional and sexual connection with someone. You two have the first two, but without the last one, a relationship will be doomed. Yet, your emotions are tugging at you right now.

 

the thing is we had the last one, but its complicated, we're both in our final year of high school and i think we both want to concentrate our studies. We both feel better staying as best friends at this point in time.

 

We've talked about so many things, we even discussed marriage at one point but i guess that it is probably because of my whole train of thought at the moment that has me feeling this way.

 

I used to be less attached to the whole emotional side of things, sometimes i wonder how and why it all changed for me lol.