Disclosure, datclosure

[JustJoe]

Cheated while you were engaged? Damn , Dexter, that really sucks dick............ LD, I started this thread to get info, not to judge. Whether or not I think your decision is the right one, thanks for participating.

[jennie-jennie]

 

Actually...I'd agree. That usually is the SHORT TERM result a lot of times. It was the situation in my case as well.

 

But once it was out in the open, there was no way that I was willing to accept her continuing the affair. Not if she was going to 'stay' with me in any fashion.

 

You're right tho...for about a month is was a constant issue...she'd claim it was over...but then she'd resume contact with him...over and over.

 

Until I reached the point where I'd had enough, and told her so point blank. We had been talking about seperation...but at that point I made it clear...the choice was now...work on the marriage for real, or divorce.

 

She chose divorce. This was six years ago...and our marriage now is wonderful. It took a LOT of work...and about two years before I would consider us "recovered". But we got here.

 

It's not an immediate thing...recovery is a long road for sure.

 

And for many couples the road ends in divorce. Isn't it like 50% who are divorced 2 years after Dday? I can't remember the number now, but it is high.

[Owl]

 

And for many couples the road ends in divorce. Isn't it like 50% who are divorced 2 years after Dday? I can't remember the number now, but it is high.

 

Careful with the numbers...you either gotta believe them, or not. Most people on this site tend not to believe the numbers quoted for all kinds of reasons, so I'm not gonna even try to throw any out.

 

But I'd agree that the percentage of marriages that survive infidelity isn't huge.

 

But I'd not hazard a guess what percentage of those were 'disclosed vs. undisclosed', nor am I aware of a comparison study done either.

 

So does infidelity damage marriages to a point where they can't recover? CERTAINLY.

 

Is that tied to disclosure vs hiding the truth vs being caught? No data available.

[JustJoe]

There is also the point about who does the disclosing. I've read that if the WS or OP discloses, the "fall-out", is less than if a third party "narcs", the affair out.

[Spark1111]

....and the worst discovery is the BS tripping upon a text, email, phone call or sighting ....

[EnigmaXOXO]

If I were the betrayed spouse, I’d want full disclosure. The act of “tricking” someone into remaining in a relationship with you while deliberately withholding facts that prevent them from making the same ‘choices’ regarding their own future as you so freely exercise for yourself… is the most disrespectful, cruel and selfish act of all. To take advantage of someone’s trust and vulnerability so that you can continue to play them for a fool, years and years on end, is an even bigger betrayal than the affair itself. I might walk away from my marriage with some small sliver of respect for my ex spouse if they at least showed me the same respect in return (as a human being) by being truthful about what transpired. To do otherwise just to avoid consequence makes them nothing short of a coward in my book. And to claim your non-disclosure is to suddenly spare the feelings of someone you didn’t care enough about to remain faithful to in the first place… well, it’s as insulting to one’s intelligence as it is transparent.

 

I suppose I’m more self-protective and distrustful of people’s hidden agendas than I am possessive, jealous or competitive. For me, I’m not so much bothered by the visions of my partner having sex with someone else, or even developing intimate feelings for another person. Accepting it as part of their past also means acknowledging that it may very well become a part of their future. I’m more bothered by the idea of being continually gaslighting and deliberately deceived by someone as a means to manipulate and maintain ownership and control over me. That sort of passive-aggressive, emotional chokehold over someone is the cruelest and most indignant act of all. Not the betrayal of trust, the affair, or the fact that you fell in love (or lust) with someone else.

 

Shoot… I’d much rather be left for another woman than find out (again) that I was the gullible numpty who was being played for a fool by some needy/greedy opportunist. At least I’d have some respect left for their courage and tenacity. And I’d offer any partner the same courtesy in return. No matter how disenchanted or resentful I’ve become towards them.

[Spark1111]

If I were the betrayed spouse, I’d want full disclosure. The act of “tricking” someone into remaining in a relationship with you while deliberately withholding facts that prevent them from making the same ‘choices’ regarding their own future as you so freely exercise for yourself… is the most disrespectful, cruel and selfish act of all. To take advantage of someone’s trust and vulnerability so that you can continue to play them for a fool, years and years on end, is an even bigger betrayal than the affair itself. I might walk away from my marriage with some small sliver of respect for my ex spouse if they at least showed me the same respect in return (as a human being) by being truthful about what transpired. To do otherwise just to avoid consequence makes them nothing short of a coward in my book. And to claim your non-disclosure is to suddenly spare the feelings of someone you didn’t care enough about to remain faithful to in the first place… well, it’s as insulting to one’s intelligence as it is transparent.

 

I suppose I’m more self-protective and distrustful of people’s hidden agendas than I am possessive, jealous or competitive. For me, I’m not so much bothered by the visions of my partner having sex with someone else, or even developing intimate feelings for another person. Accepting it as part of their past also means acknowledging that it may very well become a part of their future. I’m more bothered by the idea of being continually gaslighting and deliberately deceived by someone as a means to manipulate and maintain ownership and control over me. That sort of passive-aggressive, emotional chokehold over someone is the cruelest and most indignant act of all. Not the betrayal of trust, the affair, or the fact that you fell in love (or lust) with someone else.

 

Shoot… I’d much rather be left for another woman than find out (again) that I was the gullible numpty who was being played for a fool by some needy/greedy opportunist. At least I’d have some respect left for their courage and tenacity. And I’d offer any partner the same courtesy in return. No matter how disenchanted or resentful I’ve become towards them.

 

Great post, enignma!

 

And make that opportunists...

 

I too would respect their tenacity, courage and MATURITY in owning their choices like an ADULT, as much as the initial informing would hurt.

 

Yes, the lying, deceiving and cowardly gaslighting so they can have the best of all worlds is the height of selfish self-entitlement.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Yes, the lying, deceiving and cowardly gaslighting so they can have the best of all worlds is the height of selfish self-entitlement.

 

I also see it as the ultimate act of “possessiveness” in regards to misleading someone into remaining by your side until you’ve decided the fate of their future for them. It reeks of a misguided sense of “ownership” and “control” over the people you haphazardly enter relationships with.

[Dexter Morgan]

As you know, I won't bash you for it. I think you are handling things well. I'm glad your marriage is going great. I think you're a good mother to be concerned for your children's well being.

 

so I take it you'd think that someone who found out they had an unfaithful spouse and decided to divorce does not care about their children's well-being?

[Dexter Morgan]

Cheated while you were engaged? Damn , Dexter, that really sucks dick............ LD, I started this thread to get info, not to judge. Whether or not I think your decision is the right one, thanks for participating.

 

 

she also figured that since she kept me in the dark about it she could get away with it again......wrong.

[Dexter Morgan]

If I were the betrayed spouse, I’d want full disclosure. The act of “tricking” someone into remaining in a relationship with you while deliberately withholding facts that prevent them from making the same ‘choices’ regarding their own future as you so freely exercise for yourself… is the most disrespectful, cruel and selfish act of all.

 

exactly.....but actually 2nd only to the cheating itself.

[GorillaTheater]

I also see it as the ultimate act of “possessiveness” in regards to misleading someone into remaining by your side until you’ve decided the fate of their future for them. It reeks of a misguided sense of “ownership” and “control” over the people you haphazardly enter relationships with.

 

Your post previous to this was great, but this one is awesome. Very well done.

[Samantha0905]

so I take it you'd think that someone who found out they had an unfaithful spouse and decided to divorce does not care about their children's well-being?

 

No, not at all. I mean I don't think at all.

[JustJoe]

Enigma, thanks for participating, both of your posts were very insightful.

[Spark1111]

I also see it as the ultimate act of “possessiveness” in regards to misleading someone into remaining by your side until you’ve decided the fate of their future for them. It reeks of a misguided sense of “ownership” and “control” over the people you haphazardly enter relationships with.

 

Perfect, just perfect....

 

Possessive? Manipulative? Controlling? Cowardly?

 

You betcha!

 

What was good for the gander, could never be PERMITTED for the goose.

[White Flower]

Wow. I never thought about it that way. And all this talk by OW/OM about people not "owning" their spouse...

It is a paradox really. BW (in my case) definitely feels a sense of owndership over her H yet doesn't even know just how much he owns her. He has (or had) made a silent decision for her by allowing her to think he's been faithful the entire M. Only D-days in her mind were EAs or just 'friendships'. If she really knew the truth, she may not want to own him any longer. Then he would be free, but not free of his shame. Another paradox.

[SavannahSmiles]

It depends on the situation and the nature of the affair. If there was no chance of getting an STD and passing it to your W or H and if the affair is over and you love your W or H and won't be with them, then I don't see the point in full disclosure. So what if you have to bear the burden. You created it so live with it. Why make your H or W live with it too? They will just ask questions, relive details, have nightmares, etc. If you've truly repented and don't do it anymore, then why hurt your SO by getting that monkey off your back. Of course if you're in an A and you're not getting out, tell them or if there is any chance what so ever you've contracted an STD, of course you have to disclose. I personally don't see how there would never be a chance of that happening anyway. People that cheat are probably not going to be honest about their STDS. I wouldn't want to know if my husband cheated on me unless there was a health risk or he was still cheating. I've seen it happen to my friend and it changed her forever. Had she never known, she wouldn't be carrying the burden - he would.

[Samantha0905]

It depends on the situation and the nature of the affair. If there was no chance of getting an STD and passing it to your W or H and if the affair is over and you love your W or H and won't be with them, then I don't see the point in full disclosure. So what if you have to bear the burden. You created it so live with it. Why make your H or W live with it too? They will just ask questions, relive details, have nightmares, etc. If you've truly repented and don't do it anymore, then why hurt your SO by getting that monkey off your back. Of course if you're in an A and you're not getting out, tell them or if there is any chance what so ever you've contracted an STD, of course you have to disclose. I personally don't see how there would never be a chance of that happening anyway. People that cheat are probably not going to be honest about their STDS. I wouldn't want to know if my husband cheated on me unless there was a health risk or he was still cheating. I've seen it happen to my friend and it changed her forever. Had she never known, she wouldn't be carrying the burden - he would.

 

I agree. My friend told her husband and said recently (at least five years later) she wished she never had. They are doing well. She ended the affair before she told him. She said all telling accomplished was to hurt him badly and she told out of guilt and a need to lessen the guilt.

[Owl]

Why specifically does she regret telling him? Does he agree that she shouldn't have told him...would he have rather not known all along? She regrets telling him, but does he? Or is he glad to know the truth, but hurt by her choice to have an affair?

 

I agree that she hurt him...but she's also confusing the "telling" with being the actual cause of the pain. Again...he's not hurting 'cause she told him...he's hurting 'cause she was unfaithful to him.

 

If they're doing well, that might well be a result of telling him, rather than waiting for it to come out on it's own at a later date.

 

However badly she feels now having told...does she have any idea how badly she'd have felt now if she HADN'T?

[Spark1111]

It is a paradox really. BW (in my case) definitely feels a sense of owndership over her H yet doesn't even know just how much he owns her. He has (or had) made a silent decision for her by allowing her to think he's been faithful the entire M. Only D-days in her mind were EAs or just 'friendships'. If she really knew the truth, she may not want to own him any longer. Then he would be free, but not free of his shame. Another paradox.

 

Very honest WF, as usual.

It is a paradox. What I have said to my fWS is, "So once again, your shame is more important than allowing me to know the truth of my life and deciding my future?

 

I think, yes it was.

[Spark1111]

It depends on the situation and the nature of the affair. If there was no chance of getting an STD and passing it to your W or H and if the affair is over and you love your W or H and won't be with them, then I don't see the point in full disclosure.

 

I don't care what method you used to prevent an STD, everyone needs to be tested following an affair. Ask a doctor.

 

So what if you have to bear the burden. You created it so live with it. Why make your H or W live with it too? They will just ask questions, relive details, have nightmares, etc. If you've truly repented and don't do it anymore, then why hurt your SO by getting that monkey off your back.

 

Not all confession is to purge the guilt in your soul. It is to address the issues in the marriage and to create true intimacy with your life's partner.

 

Of course if you're in an A and you're not getting out, tell them or if there is any chance what so ever you've contracted an STD, of course you have to disclose. I personally don't see how there would never be a chance of that happening anyway. People that cheat are probably not going to be honest about their STDS. I wouldn't want to know if my husband cheated on me unless there was a health risk (there is always a health risk. Ask your doctor.) or he was still cheating. I've seen it happen to my friend and it changed her forever. Had she never known, she wouldn't be carrying the burden - he would.

 

Then I have to guess they did not attend IC or MC, never truly healed or forgave, never got stronger and more intimate in the relationship. Because if you do it right, it ONLY gets better not worse, if two people truly love each other and take the proper steps, IMHO.

[White Flower]

Very honest WF, as usual.

It is a paradox. What I have said to my fWS is, "So once again, your shame is more important than allowing me to know the truth of my life and deciding my future?

 

I think, yes it was.

I agree. I still wonder what she would do if she knew. He says she would throw all his stuff on the lawn but he couldn't handle a D this way because of the shame. If she found someone else and left him then he'd have no problem with it, good riddance. But the shame thing is a huge issue.

Then I have to guess they did not attend IC or MC, never truly healed or forgave, never got stronger and more intimate in the relationship. Because if you do it right, it ONLY gets better not worse, if two people truly love each other and take the proper steps, IMHO.

As usual you offer so much insight. Funnily enough, this happened between MM and me when I learned who he really was (SC). We did all of the above and it has made us so much closer. True love becomes deeper whether it's between MP or AP as long as they do the work. Deep love knows deep pain oftentimes.

[JustJoe]

This also begs another question. Why do WS presume to think that THEY know what the BS should or shouldn't know? They , after all, are the failures in the marriage, not the BS. So their judgement isn't exactly the best, is it?

[JustJoe]

BTW, I have decided that the excuse," No disclosure to spare the BS pain", is a completely selfish deceptive statement, almost as bad as the affair itself.

[Spark1111]

BTW, I have decided that the excuse," No disclosure to spare the BS pain", is a completely selfish deceptive statement, almost as bad as the affair itself.

 

Well, thank you for that JustJoe!

 

That is HOW the majority of BS's feel upon discovery of the affair, IMHO.