Disclosure, datclosure

[Heather1]

Heather , is it better to be married to somebody you have no desire for, and have to live a lie, or is it better to be honest, possibly lose the marriage and both leave it as honest people, ready to start life with a clean slate? Marriage is not the be-all or end-all of life, you know.

 

ahhh grasshopper, you make a good point. I'll get back to you when I find that answer. Because of my kids (& the fact xOM doesn't want anything to do with me) my choice now is my M & family or myself. Here's the other thing about disclosure, the BS could get REALLY pissed, tell the kids & get custody. I guess those are consequences, but disclosing gives the BS a free victim pass when an A (not serial cheater) is usually a sign of a two sided crumbling M.

[JustJoe]

First off, Silverfish, "Stones", is not a guy. She is very female......"Stones", I am pro-choice, so that should answer your question......Heather, You are right that it takes two to screw-up a marriage, but only one is the cheater. Why should they be able to evade the fallout from their lack of character? BTW, Infidelity is no longer grounds for divorce or can it affect custody issues. Unless the custodial parent has a "live-in".

[Just a stone's throw]

I re-read silverfish's post a couple times. I thought it was referring to you, Owl and Skump talking about it. Didn't think he was referring to me being of the male persuasion. Never knew I had gener issues...:laugh: maybe that's my problem!!!

[on1wheel]

I am a BS; 2.5 yrs now since D-day. Whoever has said "no disclosure", let me ask this..."Would you want to be disrespected the same way?"

Even if you are gonna leave the relationship/marriage you should still tell them. Do you want them remembering you as a decent person when you clearly were not?

If you were adult enough to let someone into your pants that shouldn't have been there, then be adult enough to accept the choice you made & tell your partner. Then THEY can make an informed decision as to what to do now.

Those of you that you that prefer non-disclosure must only be for the reason that you know that they will leave you or you will lose too much.

As selfish as the act of an affair itself. What goes around comes around I can only hope.

[Just a stone's throw]

FTR JJ - I am pro-life and do not morally equate or rate an affair as more morally reprehensible than an abortion. I don't even think the two things could be held up in the same light, they are so far apart on the spectrum IMHO. PM me if you want to discuss further since this is a departure from the intent of your thread.

[bentnotbroken]

FTR JJ - I am pro-life and do not morally equate or rate an affair as more morally reprehensible than an abortion. I don't even think the two things could be held up in the same light' date=' they are [b']so far apart on the spectrum IMHO[/b]. PM me if you want to discuss further since this is a departure from the intent of your thread.

 

 

In God's eyes there is no spectrum. There is no little sin or big sin. They are the same. Lying, abortion, cheating, coveting. We will all have to answer for the things we have done.

[JustJoe]

Not being a religious person, I am just interested in getting everyone's opinion about this issue. So, I have come to a few conclusions. There seem to be many more reasons for disclosure (whether immediate or late or partial) than there are for non-disclosure. The reasons for non-disclosure only seem to benefit the WS and do not seem to have any good effect on the marriage as a whole. Disclosure seems to be the more adult, honorable, healthy, respectful and loving solution, while non-disclosure seems to be the childish, selfish, deceitful, disrespectful and weak solution. Those of you AP'S who have read this thread.......You decide which path you will take. THANKS TO ALL FOR YOUR INPUT!!!:D:D:D

[Owl]

My take on it is this...witholding the truth about having had an affair is as "big a deal" as having an abortion or selling your home and witholding the information from your spouse.

 

I'm not comparing the moral value of these acts...I'm comparing the emotional impact of witholding this 'level' of information from your spouse.

 

It's not 'protecting your spouse from your actions' when you do something like this. It's avoiding the repercussions of your choices.

 

It's not a selfless act, nor are you a martyr for choosing to try to go to your grave concealing this information from your spouse.

 

Many, many BS's comment that the lying is the major source of pain for them as a result of their spouse's affair.

 

Witholding the truth is just continuing that same lie. It's ADDING to the eventual pain of the spouse, posponing it to some degree, but in no way truly ensuring that they won't be hurt by what you've done.

 

This is why disclosure is so important.

 

The idea I was conveying was that the IMPACT of witholding this level of information as being comparable with witholding getting an abortion or not telling your spouse that you made some other major life-changing choice without their input (such as getting a vasectomy or tubal ligation, for another example).

 

The only reason that people actually lie about this level of stuff and conceal the truth is because they know that their spouse has the right/option to choose not to continue a relationship with them based on the scope of that information. They know that these are "deal breaker" level events...and they withold that information from their spouse solely to prevent their spouse from excersising the option to end the marriage if they were made aware of this information.

[kis]

I can only say from my personal feelings because I won't speak for anyone else. If my H had slept with her, not acted differently afterwards, it was a ONS (which he had been hoping it would be) and what was done was done, then I would rather not be told.

 

But I am conflicted about that too because I like where we are now, as opposed to where we were a year ago. But I knew almost immediately what he had done. I chose to believe the lie for another 8 months before I finally had to snoop due to his behavior. If he hadn't been acting all weird, I probably would have continued to accept the one lie and been fine with it.

 

If the cheater can manage not to let their own guilt ruin what is between them and their spouse, can let go without disclosure, nothing was brought back or sent with (stds and pregnancy), there is no way someone else will find out (that one is harder)....then I think telling might not be the best thing. MIGHT.

 

Like I said, I'm conflicted over this and toss it back and forth in my mind. Its also one of the few pieces of marriage advice I received from my mom. If you have cheat, don't tell simply to ease your guilt. You made the choice, you live with it and learn to deal with it don't hurt the other person because you screwed up and you feel guilty.

 

CCL

 

I totally agree with CCL. My husband has had two affiars and the pain was devastating. IF it happens again I would be better off not knowing. you can never unknow it.

Even if the BS is suspicious they are hoping with all their heart they are wrong and there is some other explaination.

 

Also i think people tell out of guilt. Therefore trying to releive themselves of it by heaping a load of pain on their spouse. Selfish if you think about it.

[road]

No BS deserves to live a lie. They must be told the truth. This way they have the choice to recover or divorce. Also knowing about the affair the BS can better protect themselves against this happening to them again. KNowing who the OP was and monitoring NC.

[Samantha0905]

 

Also i think people tell out of guilt. Therefore trying to relieve themselves of it by heaping a load of pain on their spouse. Selfish if you think about it.

 

Many times I believe this is the truth. Or they blurt it out rashly (think me) and it ends up resulting in the same thing -- heaping pain elsewhere.

 

Of course, there are plenty here who don't agree.

[JustJoe]

SAm, I don't agree, but then again, I don't like golf and you do. But the idea that being honest is somehow selfish is a little over-the-top, even for me. We caused the pain when we had affairs, not by being honest about them.

[Owl]

Well, I think we could mostly agree that anyone who is having an affair is engaging in selfish behavior.

 

Their reasons for telling (or not telling) could be equally as selfish. Or they could be the first non-selfish act they attempt as well.

 

I guess I could see where people might view it either way.

 

But regardless of their REASONS for telling, I still think that the vast majority of the time, disclosure is the best path.

 

I realize that there are some people that would prefer to play ostrich, and rather not know the truth. But I think the vast majority of the rest would prefer to know so that they can make an informed decision.

 

And I don't think that the cheating spouse is normally capable of making the true determination of which their betrayed spouse is.

 

But hey...what do I know.

[White Flower]

Well, I think we could mostly agree that anyone who is having an affair is engaging in selfish behavior.

 

Their reasons for telling (or not telling) could be equally as selfish. Or they could be the first non-selfish act they attempt as well.

 

I guess I could see where people might view it either way.

 

But regardless of their REASONS for telling, I still think that the vast majority of the time, disclosure is the best path.

 

I realize that there are some people that would prefer to play ostrich, and rather not know the truth. But I think the vast majority of the rest would prefer to know so that they can make an informed decision.

 

And I don't think that the cheating spouse is normally capable of making the true determination of which their betrayed spouse is.

 

But hey...what do I know.

I think this is a pretty good post and a fair assumption including the CS being incapable of determining which kind their BS is--the kind that wants the truth or the ostrich.