Things really do get better!!!

[whguy]

I spent a TON of time lurking here about 2 years ago, and now that a friend is going through some of the same, I recently revisited just to provide him some advice. I just felt the need to share my story on this board as a matter of encouragement, because my lurking on here was such a help in my time of need. If this sinks to the bottom, that's fine, hopefully somebody reads it along the way somewhere and takes some hope from my story as my friend did.

 

I married fairly young, at 24, and had a decent run. As far as I know, the first few years of our relationship were good - we were young, in love, happy, and I never anticipated what would hit me like a ton of bricks at our 5-year mark. D-day for me was in January 2007. My W at the time came out of nowhere and told me that an affair had gone on for 6 months with a coworker. OM was about 20 years older than her, in a mentor role. I took some time to think things over, came to her, and said that I would be willing to work on things under a few conditions - that any and all contact with OM would cease (they stopped working together), that she would stop being a workaholic and make me feel like I was her top priority, that she would pursue me physically (as I was pretty disgusted), and a couple of other things that I can't recall right now.

 

We seemed to be on an okay recovery for a few months. From January to May of that year, things were ok. I was monitoring (as one would expect) since trust was completely gone. Then around the end of may, the cell phone bill came and I noticed daily calls to OM. I honestly consider that to be the end of any sort of healthiness in our relationship. I called her on it, got a load of BS, bought it, and then stayed around like a puppy dog.

 

Summer led to more fighting, no attempts from her to fix what was wrong, then later that year, what I consider a full fledged EA occurred between her and one of OM's friends that she bumped into at a football game when we were together. Don't know, don't care if anything physical ever happened, but 2000+ texts per month to new OM, solo hang-out sessions, stop by the house and go for a run together, etc - not things to do when you're claiming you're trying to fix things.

 

Spent the next several months planning an escape (which can be easier said than done when you're very entwined), and April, 2 years ago, walked out the door permanently.

 

Probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - I am a fixer and we did have a lot of good years together, but I had to look at things from a "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" standpoint.

 

The remainder of 2008 was perhaps the loneliest time of my life. Followed through and finished up the divorce, and then in 2009 began the relationship I'm in now (after some random "getting things out of my system" type flings).

 

A year and a half later, almost, I have reached a point where I look at what is now and what would have been if I had stayed. Just got back from another weekend trip with my girlfriend and am enjoying the happiest, most carefree days of my life. I have learned from my past - taking for granted, not having a backbone, etc, are relationship killers and every day I share with my girlfriend how much she means to me. My alternative would have been to stay with a woman who walked all over me, who would have never been trusted, and who would have left me extremely lonely.

 

Guys, gals, do not stick around in a bad relationship if it's not going to improve. It SUCKS to leave, it's tough, but on the other side, life can be wonderful! Loneliness is 1000 times better than misery started by distrust and crap. Learn and move on, and life is good.

 

Again, not sure why I'm posting this, but just seems like the right thing to do. I'll probably hang out a couple days and see if this gets traction and follow up with subposts, and then disappear again. I don't think it's healthy to stay on here too long - I need to focus on what's right in my life now.

[Spark1111]

Congratulations to you and the painful processes you had to go through to get you back again!

 

I applaud you. And this post is very timely since so many post here now have to do with forgiveness, successful reconciliations or not, and telling the truth after an affair.

 

I feel I am one of the lucky ones as my fWS and I have managed to successfully reconcile and today, analyze why that became possible. Luck had nothing to do with it.

 

I credit him for it. He changed his behaviors, his attitudes, attends counseling and we plan to re-start MC soon for a tune-up. Our relationship comes first.

 

I know all too well how hard it is to live with hope in your heart that someone will change, and to have that bag packed in the event they do not. It's a grueling process.

 

But I will never go back to blind trust, blind support, and being second to the job or a mistress ever again.

 

I wish you every happiness.

 

How is your ex-wife? Is she still repeating her self-destructive behavior? Did she ever get counseling?

 

Do you care?

[seibert253]

Congrads WH.

 

Relationships can only heal if both are willing to do what's necessary. Obviously your X didn't want to make the effort. Therefore you're better off.

 

For those you think they're "stuck", even if there's kids involved, NO YOU'RE NOT.

WH is a prefect example of how there's someone better out there.

 

Life's too short to settle for second best and bread crumbs.

 

Peace,

[califnan]

Hello Whguy..

 

Thank you so much for your testimony.. I am in agreement with you about the helpfulness of LS. And to be happy with being by ones self seems is the key, before entering a relationship - and expecting a relationship is to bring happiness..

 

Your wife did not honor the marriage vows, and with More than one affair.

 

Am so happy for your new life .. I wish you the best.

[whguy]

Thanks! I am happy to hear that you reconciled, Spark. A remorseful and hard-working partner is certanly key.

 

I don't even know what the ex is up to now. As to whether I care - I only care because I think that deep down she is well-intentioned, and I hope she does have personal healing, and that she treats her next partner right.

 

Do I care if I ever find out? The answer to that is definitely no. The more out of my life she is, the better.

[Spark1111]

Glad to hear it! And I think that is the emotionally healthy response to have at this point towards an X.

 

I often think how painful it must be to be of the mindset that someone "out there" will make you happy as opposed to the person within.

 

Yes, I too would pity him, but would feel better off. There is only so much you can do, tolerate, try for and hope for.

 

Good luck to you!