Richard_87 Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Hey all Well Ive been keeping contact with my ex since we broke up in the autumn.. Ive made her a card and a letter for valentines day... Shes open minded enough to understand, even if I dont get much back... Id just like your thoughts and opinions.. This is the most heartfelt and honest stuff ive ever thought up.. Many thanks LS'ers.. Dear A It feels weird writing this, but I just wanted to send you a valentines card as a sort of thank you, for the best year of my life, and for showing me what being truly in love feels like. I guess it’s a natural time to think about these things. Anyway wherever life takes you, you deserve someone who makes you the happiest girl alive. Whether its me or not, well that’s all in your hands, I just hope that one day you decide to come back home. Anyway have a really special day, thanks for all the special days you have given me. Forever in my heart R xxx Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Some sentiments, as sweet and flattering as they might be, are sometimes better left unsaid. Link to post Share on other sites
dario Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 The letter is very...um, and please don't take this the wrong way as it's a beautiful letter....but it is zeroing in on her heart. If you could change it to perhaps not be as heartfelt...I know that that might be weird. Then again, as said in the previous post....some things are better left unsaid. Questions become more questions...and the thinking becomes thinking upon thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve2usa Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 I agree as well. Some things are better left unsaid...Sometimes it means more and I'm sure she already knows how you feel. Sending the card as written sounds pushy and being valentines it may have the opposite effect your looking for. You said you are still contact with her and if she is cool with that, then I would suggest a simple phone call just wishing her a happy valentines day and letting her know that you are at least thinking about her on this day. Good luck in whatever you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Richard, I understand you are trying to speak from the heart and V-day seems like the perfect time and opportunity to state your feelings. If it makes YOU feel better to send it.....by all means send it. If you are sending it expecting a change of heart from her.....it's probably a waste of your time. I've learned the hard way....and by being involved in LA....there is NO WAY you can change someone else's heart. There are time someones will come back to someone out of pity or because they simply don't want to be alone.....but once their heart falls away....it doesn't spring back....regardless. The words you wrote are beautiful....but would you REALLY be happy for her if she found someone else??? I wrote one last year which said "I'm miserable as hell and hope you are too!". HAHA! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Ahhh, the "no one ever reconciles" speech again. Richard try not to push her. You cannot convince her. If she is going to come back she will do it on her own. And there is a chance she will. And a chance she wont. You'd be better served I think by sending a nice card with just your name signed if you have to send something. People DO reconcile. Even in divorces the statistic is that 10% of current divorces end in reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Well said Chicago, my man! Is it just me or is it always a certain type of senior member that has a negative attitude to reconciliation, no names mentioned, but there's a fiew, male & female, Situations personal to them, shouldn't influence advice to others, be open, but drift into positivity. Be positive & open, the future can be amazing & full of unbelievable unexpected gifts. This is how you are Richard, a romantic, but try not to be OTT. Put yourself in her shoes & how you would feel recieving those words. My s/o lyed & decieved to me, told me things i wanted to hear! so i would get on the plane to come home for treatment, so a bit of hometruths from me are allowed i think, she needs to think to herself if she can moraly live with what she did to the person she was in love with & spent so many close personal times over 15 months.. I Couldn't. I still love her, as i understand that she did this because she cares & for me & believes it was the right thing to do, but never the less wrong. So being pushy sometimes is justifiable, it all depends. I think my nan would class as a senior member, listen to this:- She's 93 years old & was married 70 years to the same man. She tells me they seperated 3 times & vowed never to see each other again, they were seperated through her husbands death 6 years ago. If it wasn't for her, persevering with the situation & being positive & never saying never, this huge relationship would never have lasted. So here's to never giving up, whatever. While we breath, there's hope!! Keep flying the flag. Link to post Share on other sites
KitWalker Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Bravo Monkey!!! Im very much in agreeance with you. I have to look toward the positive, keep the little light shining and who knows, things can still happen? Maybe im like this after watching the movie "serendepity" last night with John Cusack???? Hmmmmmmm Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 It isn't negativitiy I think. It is just the way that they deal with heartache. Clean break, walk away, and find strength in their resolve. Others find strength in friends, and others find strength in themselves. Still other have the strength to begin with and don't need to find anything. Others find strength in denial and still others just dont care about anything or empathize. There are an awful lot of people who give the "throw it away it was meaningless" or "its over, next!!" advice on the internet. This site has fewer than others I think. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 respect to monkey! keep the flag flying! my grandparents of 67 years marriage ( until death ) also have a similiar story to tell! shame on the younger generation for any shallow attitudes and not working at the most important institution i hate the "there is 0% chance of reconciliation" speeches on loveShack!!!! these are maybe true but always driven home by the same 'seniors' damn it i hate that and maybe the truth! just sometimes i wish they would fantisise with us a bit and ease the pain! for a while! Link to post Share on other sites
Steve2usa Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I to having been on the recieving end of what seemed like negative advice. I'm not sure if the people who gave it really mean to sound negative...It just comes out that way sometimes. Fortunately, I followed the only sound advice I got and that was keeping the no contact as much as possible...And lo and behold my ex calls me out of the blue. We have not really gotten to the point of reconciliation talk, but she has conveyed to me that she loves me and missed me and I have told her I would like to try again, but thats her decision now. I am so happy at this point to just have communication with her. Remember this always...Where there is love there is hope...Where there is communication there is a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
determined Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 How long have you been split up steve? How long did the no contact happen? Has she or yourself seen anyway in between? I only ask to see if it is similar to my situation Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 To be fair here.... Despite the obvious negative slants of a couple exceptions whos own experiences have left them bitter (at times)... People who tell you to move on may just be acting in the manner they feel is best for you, despite what you might want to hear. Instead of telling you it isn't ever going to work out, they say "practice no contact" because it give *you* a chance to get over things too. It also gives you a sense of control when you have none. The bottom line is that no one *knows* what is going to happen, but that constantly placing demands on your ex is the one way to ensure that it will not work out. So when someone says it will never work out, they really have no idea if it will, and are just relating from their own experiences. But if that same person never gives reconciliation a thought or is anti-reconciliation, then they are a self fulfilling prophet. Seek ye the objective advice. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I've been on the receiving end of both wanted and unwanted flattery. My advice was coming from the stance of someone who has felt uncomfortable from unwanted attention from an ex-boyfriend, and unwanted attention from a boy I made it perfectly clear to that I didn't want to date. In both cases, they thought that by being affectionate, and by demonstrating their love, they'd get me back. It took a few years for me to speak to the ex again - once I was sure he'd stop trying to win me back, as I'd moved on, and I stopped speaking to the other one altogether. I'd advise that he tread carefully with this, and I maintain my stance - Some things are better left unsaid. Send a valentine! Call her! Be friendly! BUT DO NOT *potentially* embarrass and scare her away by pouring your heart out to her on what most Americans for some reason think is the second most important national holiday. I don't think anyone in this thread in particular told him he didn't have a chance with her, indefinitely. But I don't think anyone here thinks he should send that valentine without thinking about it very carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Hey folks, I am rolling over with laughter!! How true, how true.! It does appear that certain members ARE anti-reconciliation, doesn't it?! I guess it appears to them that anyone pro-reconciliation is a fool, or a psycho stalker. Go figure! I was wondering if I were the only one who picked up on the obvious bias and trend. I'm glad to see I am not. Seek ye the objective advice.! Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 There's so many people that need to hold onto something & no, we don't watch too many love movies with happy endings,, time is a great healer & it's unbelievable the twists & turns of peoples minds, when the issue is love! Yes i asked my s/o to consider her promise to me, i guess you can call that pushing or placing a demand, but if she sits & thinks & knowing her as i do, i'm sure she'l give me this light to hold onto. & before anyone says it, i'm not going inside her head & assuming i know her thoughts, i don't, but i think i know if she has morals. Mabe when they tell you to move on they're testing your resolve, even if they not do it purposely, like a freudian slip of action (if that makes sense) No-one knows the future, some crazy **** can happen, no matter what has been said in the past thats given no hope, peole are capable of radical change. I try & take + & - from her mails, trying to psycho analize things as to how she means them, I always feel in limbo when she ends the mail "....time !", Time for what, us, together or single ?? but on the other hand, when "dear" & "take care" are used it feels + . Mabe i'm a crazy mother *****r! Here's to the unknown hope! Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I agree with you 110%, monkey. Time heals all wounds, things change, people change. If you really love someone, then knowing that they are in your life for you is a blessing, and sometimes it turns people around. I have watched too many love movies. I get emotional when send me emails out of the blue, and I love hearing from old friends, and old boyfriends. There is one ex who still wants to be with me, and I know that in a moment's time, if my life took the wrong turn, he'd be there in a second to catch my fall. I am no longer in love with him and am with someone else, but that has not stopped him from indirectly and discreetly letting me know how he feels about me. I care a great deal for him, but if he wrote me a letter like that, it would scare me away. I'm not advising that this guy let her go - he may never let her go. I'm advising that he not wear his heart on his sleeve. There are more discreet ways of letting her know that he still loves her. The subtler methods usually work even better - especially if she doesn't feel that way about him. This way, he has everything to gain, but won't run the chance of losing her as a friend. Love wouldn't be so fun if you didn't take any chances, but at the same time, you need to know when to raise the pot and when to check (or even when to fold.) I think in this case - he should check. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Originally posted by lost_in_chgo Ahhh, the "no one ever reconciles" speech again. Even in divorces the statistic is that 10% of current divorces end in reconciliation. 10% may....that leaves the other 90% who are probably waiting on nothing. I never said people don't reconcile....nor that it was easy to walk away. I will say you can wait on someone till hell freezes over and either they love you or they don't. Niether you...nor them....can make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Ahh, but I wasn't talking about breakups. I was talking about divorces. Which generally I would think are a much more serious and more well thought out enterprise. If after all of the pain and agony a person goes thru just deciding to get divorced in the first place, 1 out of 10 will reconcile with their former spouse, I think that is significant. The other 90% had it up to their eyeballs too, but they didn't change their minds. Others have quoted an 80% of current marriages have survived a separation. I can't find any supporting info on that anywhere, so I quoted the divorce stat. And I agree with what you just said, but you did say people don't reconcile, though not in those words. Or did I misunderstand? There are time someones will come back to someone out of pity or because they simply don't want to be alone.....but once their heart falls away....it doesn't spring back....regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 I personally think once someone no longer is in love with someone else....there is nothing to reconcile 'with'. There are times though when people are still in love with each other.....and break up for other reasons. I do think they have a chance of working it out. I consider this more of a 'long disagreement"...than a real break up. Maybe they are just upset about something you did or they made some mistake or any number of things could've happened. But if they say they don't want to be in a relationship with you EVER again or that they are seeing someone else or don't respond anymore to contacts....chances are they aren't interested in the relationship anymore. To continue agonizing over and waiting for someone who has given the 'ultimate hint'.....is a waste of time. It becomes such a heart full of denial. If you have to 'read between the lines' to find words of love....I don't think love is there. Why would someone who once freely said "I love you"....now say it "another way"? I've been dumped and I've dumped other people. I figure the ones who dumped me are about as interested in hearing from me....as I am from the ones I dumped. I could be very wrong...that's why I use the words "I think". I just "don't think" you can win back love from someone. .........I would personally bribe God Himself if I thought I could change that particular human characteristic....... Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 I not mean to be selfish, but does anyone have an opinion about my situation that i think is a little unique. After being in love & starting our life abroad, i got ill & my s/o spent a month being with me when i knew my problem was having it's affect on her. She was with me when she didn't want to be with me when i was like this because it was difficult, for me too!!, this she doesn't seem to understand. She mabe told me things i wanted to hear. I returned home for treatment, knowing she wanted to see me, the new me , in the future. This she told me many times & included it in letters. This helped me a lot, gave me positivity & a focus. She never understood this anxiety problem but showed she wanted to by reading books on it. When i got home she said she felt more like my friend than a lover & time was needed to help her & me. Although i feel decieved, i know she did it for me, if she'd just dumped me when i was in need of support, who knows what would have happened to me. She felt this also. She talks of letting go & finding others, i can't & i hope moraly, she can't either. I know she needs space, but she has morals also, if i had done this & after thought about it, i would feel guilt. Being with someone is about being there for them, not leaving them in their time of need. If roles were reversed, i would have done anything for her. Does anyone think time will help her as it has me? & make her think i deserve this chance to show her, as she said? I shall be a different person, i don't intend to jump straight back in bed with her, just to show her & see. I'm working so hard to change myself as i don't want to lose her, i hear so many stories of strength in relationships being created by situations like this. Sorry to be selfish here, but i get upset about it & feel i have to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve2usa Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 How long have you been split up steve? How long did the no contact happen? Has she or yourself seen anyway in between? We have been split for about a month and the no contact was in effect immediately following the break...other than some legal business that we spoke about once for 20 minutes and that was it. She broke the no contact about a week ago and has left me even more confused than I was. She has admitted to still loving me and caring, but will not talk about reconciliation. I do Love her, but I know I cannot sit and wait my whole lifetime for her to figure out what she wants. I'm not sure what's gonna happen, but there comes a time when you (I) must make that decision to either follow your heart or follow your mind. And over the last 2 days, my mind is in the lead. I hope that whatever does happen I still have her in my life in one form or another because we fit so well together. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 80% of relationships that seperate for a while for the time/space thing, reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Originally posted by monkey 80% of relationships that seperate for a while for the time/space thing, reconcile. Care to cite where this statistic comes from? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldfingerCymru Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 How to Get Your Lover Back and Getting Back Together (2 books which I have read cover to cover). Link to post Share on other sites
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