lost_in_chgo Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 OK so who did what and how is it going? I did nothing. She contacted me about a week and a half after Valentines Day. Wants to be friends. Very clear that she does not want to come back to me (yet Link to post Share on other sites
GoldfingerCymru Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 I sent a card with a poem and a little pewter heart. No response, no reply...nada. I suppose I didn't really expect anything. It would have been nice though, but at least I tried. I suppose I have been to honest and stated how I feel by sending it, nothing more I can do. Shame really. Although, I have found a new likeness for a few Coldplay songs which really hit home. (Warning Sign, Trouble and The Scientist). Give them a listen - I used to mock Coldplay, but these songs are written by someone who has been there. Stay Gold. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Hi Allan, howz things, i don't suppose you heard my latest, i was messing with my mobile & pressed her number in Hungary, don't know why, i just did & i thought she was in USA still, guess what she answered & i had 48p of credit, i said i didn't expect her to answer, it was the first time i heard her in 3 & half months. I called her back on house phone & she wasn't nice, i feel she said the things she did to hurt me, like she will be meeting other men, this hurt so much. I was just trying to be cool & calm everything down, it seems everything i say, she doesn't listen to. 1 positive is that she said "your supposed to be giving me space", which sounds to me like, "until we meet"! It's a year ago exactly since i was with her in Hungary & i ruminate on it lots. I tryed to talk of nice things, like how her flight was & when she came back, but even that wasn't right. I sent her back the letter she wrote to me & us in the future, i still send her the 1 mail a week as she said, because i don't want her to think i give up. The book you sent is ok, thanks, how far did you go with it? What it does say is that you should only do what "she" instigates, this is the 1 a week thing. Like you i feel like romantically getting her back, it works in the movies & i believe in miracles. While we breath, there's hope! Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Hey lost, I think you have a sleeper winner there!! Although anything CAN happen at anytime - it sounds as if she is keeping the distance to keep things "warm". Especially since SHE contacted you after a period of you doing nothing. The curiosity is what leads to contact in many cases. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Curiosity, mmm! Mandrews you could well be right, Lost, youv'e got a hell of a lot more patience than me! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Yeah patience is my middle name. Damn it's hard though. The feelings came flooding back this week. But also, some humor. It's kinda funny the way she is dictating terms to me. mandrews could you clarify that last a bit? I'm dense I guess. warm and sleeper? I think I get it but just to be sure. So tomorrow or thursday are one week in "No contact part II - return of the Ex." I expected her to make a point and not contact me for a week or so. So far she's lived up to my expectations Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Hey lost do you have to watch what you say to her, or are you just shuttun up & letting her talk, has she talked of wether or not she's been with anyone else or not & would it bother you? It would crush me, i know i don't control her, but i don't see my situation as 100% finished, she just says 'time' & even though she has said things that hurt, i see them as being said in times of anger. I'm just the type of person that can't date people, between people, i like someone & no-one else. Keep us informed! Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 No problem, lost. I mean in your case she has more feelings for you and more emotion invested there still. That makes it warm, rather than cold. It is a "sleeper" because she is acting like she is asleep about the things she feels. Like she's asleep and it isn't happening, but it is. She will have to come to grip with her feelings, front and center at some point. The more she delays this, the harder it is going to hit her when it does. I'll give her credit though, she IS trying not to. Her not contacting you is her way of trying to prove to herself that what she is doing (or not doing) is correct. Her maintaining "control" is really her attempts to control HER feelings, not yours. Hang in there, stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Monkey, She is most definitely seeing other people. She started that the day after we split. That was really a shock. Really nasty thing to do. She had been building up to it. I found out about it and told her good luck and good bye. The next day I went to see her and she was on a first date (i'm pretty sure) with a friend of her brother. A few weeks later, she finally would talk to me. A week later she said (or finally admitted) she was sleeping with him. During this time she was chatting with me online about 8 hours a day. She told me (without prompting) that she saw the new guy once a week and on the weekends with a group. Seemed to want to integrate me into her life, and was terribly upset whenever I had a problem with that. I'm not really sure why I am not incredibly angry about all that. I do have my moments, but I have to take into account that she was going thru a very stressful divorce. She's pretty immature and she really thought that I wouldn't care about the breakup. I think the things I said to her and her mindset just really confused her. She thought she could just set me aside and I would be ok with that. She wanted to plug me into that role husband too early. I resisted it because I didn't want to force myself into her kids' lives or get too serious until the divorce was settled. She talked about her ex all the time and I had some justified) concerns that she might go back to him toward the end. So I get a bit of a distance and told her why. But she saw it as not caring or something. If we'd made it another month or so, things would have chagned, but we didn't. She is not talking to me yet beyond the email I posted. Tomorrow is one week since I replied, so I thought that would be the earliest I could expect a response. She has to make some sort of point, a show of resolve. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Hey lost, What's up? your ex sounds like mine, in that she seems to be trying to "prove" something for some reason. In most cases they are trying to prove at least to themselves that they are over you, moving on, or whatever you may call it. Funny thing is, it almost never works and leads to disaster for the effort. First they date and try to tell themselves they are over you since they had the notion to sleep with someone else. I think that by telling you afterwards, it has several effects. Number one, is to see if it would drive you away. Sometimes this is done on purpose. Two, is honesty, in that if things were so great why are "we" talking now? Three, for some reason women often incorrectly assume that you are sleeping with or are involved with someone else. Telling you she is sleeping with someone "evens" the score, I guess. Four, is just good old fashion cruelty, the " I know this will hurt you, and I'm hurting, so here's some pain for you too". In any case what seems to take place more often than not is that the "new" or "rebound" relationship (with or without sex) usually goes nowhere. This is delicate because most women don't know where to go from here. They either get the "anybody but him" idea - and continue to bounce or rebound; they are so upset that the "new" thing didn't work that somehow it becomes your fault, or they get depressed when they realize Mr. Right was really Mr. Right Now.! A few wind up in the worst case scenario and wind up in a relationship or marriage that they don't really want to be or stay in. This seems to happen when marriage has been an issue or she is looking at the proverbial clock. Or to prove to someone (again, friends, family, or whomever) that she is "marriage material". Some others yet realize that you were/are the man she really loves, but get paralyzed as to what to do, or how to take steps back towards you, especially if they have burned bridges, or have been cruel, or let other things stay in the way. It sounds like your ex is either in denial about her feelings towards you, or is trying to convince herself of something. I don't think it is working, because she wouldn't try to have any contact with you if things were working so well. Contact is really a way of staying close, but with conditions. Right now I would say patience is your best ally. Things will change for the better in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 No Lost, thats not nice, isn't she rubbing your nose in it, i mean wanting you there in her life, i mean i'd kill to be in your shoes, at least there seems hope with the contact, but that didn't come overnight did it!. I feel so in limbo & destroyed. My s/o has no intention at the moment of saying anything to me, even how her flight home was & how things are there with her family etc, it seems she wants to be very private, ebven about the most mundane things. So painfull. She is very independent & says she will never get married, i want to have a family & be loyal & caring, our differences are there, but if were different, this is good, because our oppinions keep the fires burning, i feel anyway! I hope my s/o does as yours did & contact you after time. I can honestly believe that she has no hurt or emotion about our split & that she feels no pain at all, can they do this, even if they wanted the split, they must miss someone or they wouldn't have spent everyday for 15 months together. She is from another culture & mabe she can do this, i mean people split, not to return don't they, these are her words, like once over, it's over & she mentioned she doesn't go to her ex boyfriends & ask them out again. Just because she never has reconciled, doesn't mean she won't, it's just not known to her! Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 Monkey, sure noone knows the future - i could fall in love with and marry prince charles - but very unlikely. IT IS OVER - please move on. leave this girl alone and respect her decision - she isnt hurting you, you are hurting you. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 caretoomuch, chuck called, he's busy tonight, wants you to stop stalking him. Monkey, It is not over really until you are ready to move on. Just remember that you cannot make her come back, reconsider or change her mind. She has to do that on her own at her own pace. It really has nothing to do with you or any action you do or don't take. So stop trying. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 Lost, Maybe Carmilla then ... i would rather chuck though - he would look so good in a dress dont u think. Those corgis scrub ok also (but i am not going there). I agree with what you say to monkey - it has to come from her and be her decision - you cannot make this happen now. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 Right on lost!! Monkey, this particular phase is over, and you must move to the next one. Whether it is to relax, work on yourself, take up some hobbies, - whatever, - you are risking pushing her further away and scaring her with your insecurities. It is ok to love, care, and feel - but as lost has stated, you CANNOT make her mind change, only she can. All you can do is to be prepared if and when she does, nothing more. We are in your corner, but along with waiting and hoping comes some degree of self-control and discipline. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 I am just so hurt by how it being done, all the things she wrote to me, all the promises. I was ill, i couldn't help it, but i am the one hurting & being treated like this. How can someone be emotionless & cold. I'm frustrated, mentaly scared & feel unable to trust anyone. This girl who spent so much time together being so intimate, i, i just can't believe whats going on. It hurts realy deep, she knows i'm trying to get rid of my panic attacks, i'll leave it to you all to figure out what this is doing for my therapy!!,, yet she wants me to be well & cares! Link to post Share on other sites
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