wien7777 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Long story short, I was discussing the concepts of jealousy and possessiveness in a relationship with my long-term boyfriend today, and we agreed that those two emotions/practices are rather unnecessary in a relationship, etc. ..That was the initial conclusion we can to, and one which he agreed with. However, add another hour or two and some jokes about a certain Britney Spears song into the mix, and he later admits that he would 'not mind' if I were possessive towards him. (I never have been in the past, and I'm not at all a person prone to feeling jealousy.)But when he coaxed it out of me that I would -hypothetically- be a tad bit more possessive-like than jealous, the follow responses were exchanged. Me: "I don't mean that I'd ever be possessive or controlling in 'that way'. Not even in the sense that I'd literally just 'want you to be mine'." Him: "Ah, you're already in control though I'm afraid.. You do have a certain power over me." Me: "..What? Oh, but that's certainly a more mild "control" that just comes with loving anyone..wherein two people have 'control' over one another in the sense that they wouldn't do stupid things to hurt them." Him: "But you're not 'just a person'. I know you're going to find this ridiculous, but well, you're like a goddess to me. So I don't mind if you're possessive, because I'm just yours either way." Me: "Ok, that's sweet, but possessiveness is only "flattering" to a certain extent.." Him: "I'm yours to the full extent, in every sense of the word." Me: "But I don't want you to think it'd ever be as if I'd try to control you, or anything.." Him: "But you could. If you wanted to, you could. You can make me do anything you want. You obviously have control over my faithfulness, but over what you want me to do too." .. Is he.. insane? Is this normal in love? Is it an overture to S&M? Is he just doing what people should do in love, when they know their partner wouldn't take advantage of them?
aerogurl87 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Your boyfriend sounds like he may have slight submissive tendencies. Read up more on S/M relationships and you'll see what I mean. EDIT: I'm in a S/M relationship with my boyfriend and I love it. It's not as extreme as some people, but it does add a level of commitment that is pretty awesome.
kiss_andmakeup Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 No, he's not insane, he's either kinda kinky and gets his rocks off by being dominated in the bedroom (no big deal), or he just meant he likes to feel desired. I'm leaning towards kinky. He probably has this side that he doesn't know how to reveal to you for fear of weirding you out, and thought that this was a subtle way to raise the issue and gauge your reaction to it. Why don't you just ask him? How long have you guys been together?
Romance Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Its like he wants you to be like "YOU ARE WHIPPED" -insert whipping noises here-
Author wien7777 Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Your boyfriend sounds like he may have slight submissive tendencies. Read up more on S/M relationships and you'll see what I mean. EDIT: I'm in a S/M relationship with my boyfriend and I love it. It's not as extreme as some people, but it does add a level of commitment that is pretty awesome. Really, you think that's it? Is it the "anything you want me to do" part that makes you think so? I'm not a 'prude' or anything, and I'd agree to alot of things to make him happy, but I just.. want to know if that's it; if that's the case. No, he's not insane, he's either kinda kinky and gets his rocks off by being dominated in the bedroom (no big deal), or he just meant he likes to feel desired. I'm leaning towards kinky. He probably has this side that he doesn't know how to reveal to you for fear of weirding you out, and thought that this was a subtle way to raise the issue and gauge your reaction to it. Why don't you just ask him? How long have you guys been together? I suppose I could ask him directly enough about it, but that'd take the fun out of it, kind of? I want to tease him a bit about it first (haha, wow, maybe I am cut out for that kind of thing after all..?), and I keep on thinking that it's possibly more praise/feeling desired-linked than to something sexual.. your post reminds me of "venus in furs". Hahahahaha, yes. Win. Its like he wants you to be like "YOU ARE WHIPPED" -insert whipping noises here- Again, hahaha. ..But why on Earth would a man want that?
aerogurl87 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Well what made me think that he may be into S/M is the fact that he said you were like a goddess to him. I think you should just ask him though, that's the only way you'll get a real answer.
Author wien7777 Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 Well what made me think that he may be into S/M is the fact that he said you were like a goddess to him. Hm, really? But could it be that he just wants to hear the same things back? Or just wants to feel 'desired' or something?
Author wien7777 Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Updates after today's conversation: Some of his responses to things I said (and I'll just mainly put his responses because I suppose they're most relevant): Me: "It's normal, I guess, for people to have control over their partner's exclusitivity, and that's all." Him: "Then there's nothing else you would like to have control over? Because well, you can just name it. Maybe something you'd like there to be in our relationship? I'm just wondering." - Him: " If there's something that I can make you happy with that you can just say it to me, whatever it is." Him: " So if there are things that you'd like me to do so that you'd be even happier... just keep that in mind. With whatever it is." - Me: "Well, there's no need for me to have control over anything than just fidelity. What else could I want.. besides, well, besides needing you to reach something on a high shelf? ;)" [Note- He's 6'3"..] Him: "Hahaha. Nothing else you can think of then?" - Me: "I just don't want you to think I'd ever try to be possessive of you or control you in any other ridiculous, unnecessary way. And as you said, fidelity is to be assumed, and that's all I need. I hope you're not worried or anything, just because we read of what a bad rep Aquariuses have.." [Note: We read an article recently that described Aquariuses (such as myself) as 'perverse and inventive"..] Him: "Haha, because of the "perverse and inventive", you mean? Care to elaborate?" Me: Haha, I was only kidding, of course. Him: " Ah, alright then." Me: "I promise, I know it said that but that's not applicable to every Aquarius and it's really not anything to be worried about.." Him: "Ah, I'm not worried, no. Not even if you would be "perverse and inventive". Nothing's too 'perverse' or 'inventive' for your (his name)." - And later.. Him: " I'm flexible. So should you want me to be a little different I will be." - Me: "I love you, and you know I'm not one of those people who feel that they need to control the other person just be to happy or satisfied." Him: "Control me as much as you'd like, because you know I'm yours." I'm sorry that this is so long, but I'm just so.. puzzled, honestly. How am I supposed to react to this? Perhaps it sounds unhealthy, but essentially, he could have the same power over me (which is saying alot) should he want to. But of course, I haven't told him that. Do I, and ..how? What does that even mean? Edit: Oh, and to answer to someone's previous question- almost two years.
aerogurl87 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Yep definitely sounds like he wants a S/M relationship to me. Hence why he keeps asking if you want to control anything else. *HINT HINT*
Author wien7777 Posted April 21, 2010 Author Posted April 21, 2010 Well, I apologize if my hesitancy to fully believe that (or at least immediately) is redundant or annoying.. I just never really pegged him as the type. Any advice on how I should potentially proceed?
aerogurl87 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 Well he seems like that type to me. I'd try looking at this website if I were you. It's pretty helpful if you're interested in looking into having a s/M relationship with your partner. http://elisesutton.homestead.com/QuestionForum.html Other than that, I'd just talk to him about it in a straight forward way. He's playfully brought up the topic enough for you to know that something is up. Ask him directly what more he wants for you to do in your relationship. Be open and let him tell you how he feels without seeming like your judging him. Just listen to what he has to say and go from there.
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