5 years ago...

[SaintDragon]

I met this great girl online and I really took to her then quickly fell in love. It was not lust or a joke, I fell IN LOVE, but it was the first time I EVER felt like that toward anyone. It felt nice and my life started to improve in every way.

She was married and didn't see me as a love interest, just online friends and that is what it would remain. I had a difficult time with that and the fact we couldn't even meet as friends which I would of been totally ok with...just friends...I just wanted to see her for real. It would never happen...

 

I pushed my feelings onto her, she got nervous and the friendship ended. Throughout our friendship in 2005 we exchanged gifts, talked endlessly about everything and the whole time with her was just euphoric and calming....I have never met anyone else like her online or off. I did attempt to see her for myself as in driving there to see her. Some may want to list this as "stalking" which it was and it may have been a criminal act, but in my heart and mind it was not that. I get tired of explaining how that whole thing was to me and no one was going to be in danger, but I give up...Once you tell people that you drove someplace uninvited...you instantly get tagged a criminal. so beit...I know I am not.

 

Well yesterday I deleted her email from my address book along with emails sent to me and sent to her.... I took the gift she sent me (A CD with a certain funny thing written on it in marker) it's an inside joke... I took that CD and smashed it to pieces then burnt it last night.

Why did I do this?... I am tired of thinking about her and I have so many other things in life I have to fix about ME and being 35 my time is getting short. I had to act now or keep on slumbering in this self pity. I got tired of it and doing what I did was sort of just trying to do something about it. It was a start.

 

It wasn't easy you know..... and to just forget her and that great year in 2005 has proven to be very hard. This was a girl that if she were not married...I could of broke all my barriers to try and be with her.... that is how powerful my feeling were for her. Till this day I have not been able to re-create those feelings with anyone and I don't think I can do it again.

 

Love sucks

 

Goodbye,T.I

[edenvegan]

Dear SaintDragon,

 

It sounds like you got your heart broken and your feelings hurt. If you just want to vent, I want to say I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing emotionally or any other way. If you want to hear feedback, than read the next paragraph.

 

The good news is your emotions are working. You're not some anti-social person lacking the skills to communicate and connect with other people. This is a good thing. However, you chose to fall in love, and yes, I say "chose," with an unavailable person. You can't do that. It's a difficult position for everyone, and you really put yourself and her in danger by making an unexpected visit to see her. (Some husbands are none too fond about uninvited males coming to see their wives.)

 

Take a lesson from this experience to make it worthwhile. You learned you are capable of loving someone deeply besides yourself. You learned love needs to be mutual to make a relationship work. And I'm sure you learned other things as well. Make peace with the experience and then bury it. Let it rest. You've got to live your life. Join a club. Begin a new hobby. Get out of the house. You'll start to look and feel happier and that can attract people to you.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

[SaintDragon]

Thanks, EV

 

I've been over it for quite some time I just review those times once in a while and it makes me think "wow" She is fully aware that I took the trip, husband does not know. I never saw her, because I knew it was a 50/50 chance she would not be there as they were moving back home in February, I took the trip in early March. He was in the Navy. I guess it was just to see where she had been...I actually started to freak at the notion that I may actually see her for real...It was a combination of Wow to se eher...this mysterious person that I knew online and exchanged gifts with..phone call..lots of email ectect..one who I was madly in love with.

 

I know it makes me look like a sociopathic stalker that thinks SHE was in love with me and all the BS, but it wasn't like that... I'm not even going to explain it anymore. I do know however that I really did a very dumb thing that could of gotten me arrested and the worst part....made her life a little more uneasy. To imagine some dude online was in your town with you as his target or whatever....That thought still bothers me. I hold full responsibility fo rthat and I will not forgive myself for it... It was dumb...I do know that.

 

In my defense though she should of never of accepted gifts from me(I asked her before I sent them) She called me on the phone herself when she got my ## from the shipping label(to thank me) and she knew fully well that I had a crush on her. She was married and I believe she should of ended our friendship a lot sooner, because she knew I was in love with her. For a married girl I feel she did not show responsibility in that respect.

 

I however should of backed off..she was married and that was final. It was hard though..I tried to just do the online friend thing, but it bothered me so much that even as just friends I couldn't meet her....it sucked and led to me turning very defensive and feeling lonely.

 

It was 5 years ago and just a couple of days ago I destroyed everything on my computer that had to do with her. Everthing. I held on to it in case there was a chance she may come in contact again....Well I'm sick of it and thinking about those times..so I just got rid of it.

 

I'm hoping to forget I even met her and to never think about her again, but that is hard and until I get a real life GF or an actual life...I don't think I can fully let go of her... So annoying because I have never even met her for real..for all I know she is a bitch IRL, but I don't think so.

 

I don't crave to contact her anymore, but I do crave to finally get her out of my thoughts.... I AM working on that along with other BS in my life.

 

thanks.

[skydiveaddict]

Five years is a long time to hang on to this Dragon

[cuppa]

I wonder if the strong feelings you had toward her is the fact that you guys never met in person so in your mind, you only see the best of her (or you are projecting the best of her). Like putting her on a pedestal.

 

I think that's the danger of online relationship right? You sometimes envision someone to be something that they are not.

 

She might not be real, people are different when they are in their day to day elements. It's the same concept when you are in vacation and you meet the girl, everything seems rosy and beautiful but once you are back to each othery's day to day, real problems start to surface and you realized that she might not be someone that you spend the rest of your life with.

 

Having said this, yes, you did the right thing. It's time to move on....

[Disintegration]

Wow SD, your situation sounds awfully familiar! I'm not even going to indulge in the details but all I can say is under such circumstances you have done the right thing by letting go of the thought and any trace you have of her. She was married you had an online friendship that in your heart lead to having feelings for her. I understand the whole stalking situation but I think for you it was more a romantic gesture. Five years is a long time to hold onto those memories of her, but I'm sure in due time you'll meet someone who will completely have you forgetting about her.

[sal_mally]

I echo edenvegans sentiments and will add my own personal experience, since i was in a similar situation and this person basically wrecked havic to the point where I feared for my life.

It happened a few years back and I was not married and I wasnt in a relationship. I was RANDOMLY approached online very “nicely” by a stranger and I responded that I wasnt interested in meeting anyone. The person replied to that with a nasty message saying I was “just like everyone else” and that the person was “just trying to be friendly”

 

My initial reaction to reading that, felt sorrowful, because it genuinely sounded like the person was just going through a hard time.

We began chit chatting online back and forth after that, up until I was approached with a personal problem and asked for help and the person said it would be easier if I could talk versus writing. Not thinking anything of it at the time I said okay. Some of the conversations had were really funny and at the time I grew fond of the friendship that appeared to have developed.

Everything came to a head when this person mentioned they’d be in the area visiting family or something like that and that it would be cool if we could meet up while visting. I said sure, but it got to a point where it became more and more centered around me.

 

Something about it made me feel uneasy and I told the person that I wouldn’t be able to meet up after all. The person seemed okay with it at first, but slowly the behavior towards me became very erratic, wanting to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, etc. that were both threatening explicit and condescending in nature.

I was sent a couple apology messages thereafter and I responded asking not to be contacted again. No gifts were ever exchanged in my case, but looking back, I was asked on a couple of occassions if I could mail a newspaper from my area, random things like that. Everything about it was so subtle so as it was happening, I thought nothing of it.

 

But the impact it had on me, shattered my whole belief system. Normally I would hold myself partly accountable, regardless of circumstances, and that's with most things. But in this particular instance I do not and never will.