Does your MM/MW wear....

[PhillySpecial]

Or he is placing more importance on a ring than we do. IMO, a ring isn't anything more than a tradition or the mark of one who is "taken". If the meaning is ignored, one might as well ignore the ring on or off. I place more meaning on actions.

 

Agree completely.

[Snowflower]

Exactly and this is what OP doesn't seem to understand. But I think he's trying to make the act of cheating more palatable. Guess what, it's not!

 

I think the OP just put the question out there for theoretical discussion. I'm not sure he is trying to justify anything himself. But hey, I could be wrong.

 

I agree though...it's cheating either way...whether the ring is worn or not.

[herenow]

I go to the gym 4 times a week. I never wear my ring because it hinders my workout. Doesn't make me less married while I'm there. I do have to say that I get hit on more because I don't wear my ring. But, the regulars know I'm married even when I'm not wearing my ring. Works the same in affairs. Makes no difference if you wear the ring or not, the marriage still exists.

[Spoiled]

First two things I do when entering my home is take off my shoes and my jewelry. When MM and I would see each other, we both took off our shoes and our jewelry. Just automatic for me I guess. While out for lunch, etc in public, we both wear our rings. Many strangers have told us how much of a "cute" couple we make and ask how long we have been married.

[Lizzie60]

First two things I do when entering my home is take off my shoes and my jewelry. When MM and I would see each other, we both took off our shoes and our jewelry. Just automatic for me I guess. While out for lunch, etc in public, we both wear our rings. Many strangers have told us how much of a "cute" couple we make and ask how long we have been married.

 

 

You should have told them... 'Oh but we're not married to each other'

[Spoiled]

You should have told them... 'Oh but we're not married to each other'

 

Oh no, MM would always answer how many years and that we had four children.

[Davnnic]

My MM wears his, although will remove it if I ask him to...like when we were away for a few days recently. I did wear one before H and I separated...more out of habit than anything symbolic. There is something disconcerting about watching your lover's hand caress your intimate body parts with a wedding band on, however it is just an object-obviously devoid of meaning if we are cheating, right?

[norajane]

There is something disconcerting about watching your lover's hand caress your intimate body parts with a wedding band on, however it is just an object-obviously devoid of meaning if we are cheating, right?

Well, it's still a symbol that he's legally married and has a wife so he can't become YOUR husband, and that's why he goes home to his wife instead of to you and has a whole other life outside of the affair. As long as he remains married, that ring does symbolize that he's committed to staying in the marriage even if he is cheating.

 

However, the ring certainly doesn't mean what it meant to him when he put it on the first time.

[JamesM]

I think the OP just put the question out there for theoretical discussion. I'm not sure he is trying to justify anything himself. But hey, I could be wrong.

 

I agree though...it's cheating either way...whether the ring is worn or not.

 

Snowflower, you are right. It is hypothetical.

 

However, if I were in an affair, then I would take the ring off. Yes, I know that the ring is simply a symbol, but it still is a symbol staring at me reminding me that I am really married. My ring rarely leaves my finger.

 

Sometimes when I am out, I do have it off. I can't say that I get any different looks because it is off. I can't say that I act any differently. Yet I do think sometimes that without the ring, anyone looking at me does not know I am married.

 

So...point being, if I do not have that ring on, then (hypothetically speaking), I can ignore the fact that there is someone else being hurt by the actions of the affair.

 

There is something disconcerting about watching your lover's hand caress your intimate body parts with a wedding band on,

 

It is a symbol that is more than "just a synbol." Even if there IS cheating and even if the line has been crossed, IMO the ring visibly speaks to its wearer and anyone who sees it..."This person made a vow." Without the ring, two people can slip into a fantasy world.

 

Well, it's still a symbol that he's legally married and has a wife so he can't become YOUR husband, and that's why he goes home to his wife instead of to you and has a whole other life outside of the affair. As long as he remains married, that ring does symbolize that he's committed to staying in the marriage even if he is cheating.

 

However, the ring certainly doesn't mean what it meant to him when he put it on the first time.

 

Very true. That ring almost brings the presence of his wife into the room.

[NoIDidn't]

It is a symbol that is more than "just a synbol." Even if there IS cheating and even if the line has been crossed, IMO the ring visibly speaks to its wearer and anyone who sees it..."This person made a vow." Without the ring, two people can slip into a fantasy world.

 

So, hypothetically speaking, you would want to slip into the fantasy world of the affair? (You say you would take off your ring)

[lilagirl]

My MM doesn`t wear one, and as an XmOW, now just OW, my MM got very upset to see it. He wanted me his, and the symbolism was too much.

[NoIDidn't]

My MM doesn`t wear one, and as an XmOW, now just OW, my MM got very upset to see it. He wanted me his, and the symbolism was too much.

 

So, he's still married and didn't like to see yours when you were still married?

 

How ironic.

[JamesM]

So' date=' hypothetically speaking, you would want to slip into the fantasy world of the affair? (You say you would take off your ring)[/quote']

 

Yes.

 

........

[Lizzie60]

Snowflower, you are right. It is hypothetical.

 

However, if I were in an affair, then I would take the ring off. Yes, I know that the ring is simply a symbol, but it still is a symbol staring at me reminding me that I am really married. My ring rarely leaves my finger.

 

Sometimes when I am out, I do have it off. I can't say that I get any different looks because it is off. I can't say that I act any differently. Yet I do think sometimes that without the ring, anyone looking at me does not know I am married.

 

So...point being, if I do not have that ring on, then (hypothetically speaking), I can ignore the fact that there is someone else being hurt by the actions of the affair.

 

 

 

It is a symbol that is more than "just a synbol." Even if there IS cheating and even if the line has been crossed, IMO the ring visibly speaks to its wearer and anyone who sees it..."This person made a vow." Without the ring, two people can slip into a fantasy world.

 

 

 

Very true. That ring almost brings the presence of his wife into the room.[/QUOTE]

 

 

So it's almost a threesome... how exciting..

[jthorne]

Sometimes when I am out, I do have it off. I can't say that I get any different looks because it is off. I can't say that I act any differently. Yet I do think sometimes that without the ring, anyone looking at me does not know I am married.

 

Well, that's it. If I ever get married, that guy is NEVER taking that ring off.

[jj33]

I dont remember whether he wore a ring. But I dont see that it matters. Its not like I could have forgotten:confused: or not wearing the ring would somehow suspend reality. He is the most married person I have ever met in my life.

 

If someone is having an A they are having an A. Whether or not they wear the ring is immaterial.

 

Look at all the stories of misery on these boards. Whether things happened with a ring on or not never made a bit of difference (but for those who were fooled into As by men who didnt disclose their marital status).

[secretlady76]

Yes, and so did I.

[JamesM]

I dont remember whether he wore a ring. But I dont see that it matters. Its not like I could have forgotten:confused: or not wearing the ring would somehow suspend reality. He is the most married person I have ever met in my life.

 

Out of curiosity, what did you mean by this phrase?

[jj33]

A big part of his identity is derived from being his W's H.

 

The fact that they lead separate lives doesnt matter, in the eyes of the public, he is her H. Its an identification with the institution rather than the person. Its his "role".

 

I dont think its that unusual. Many people dont like their spouses but they like the "fact" that they are married to them and what that means to other people.

 

He never said it to me directly but it was clear to me and others that know him. Its one of the things I was told before we started the A; they lead separate lives but dont be fooled, he likes the status of being married to her and the entree that gives him and he is unlikely to ever give that up.

 

I suspect its the same with her. Its like when 2 companies merge. The employees may not be as happy but the profits may soar.

Edited April 21, 2010 by jj33

[skylarblue]

My MM has always worn his ring and had only taken it off the first few times he came over to my place and the first time I came over to his. I used to prefer that he wore it, but never asked or not asked him to. I’ve always been a little surprised that he doesn’t take it off. I’d think he’d feel a little strange interlocking hands or having my DNA all over it. I mean, even I feel a little weird and think “wow, I can’t believe that doesn’t bother him” at times where his ring is like super prominent. I believe the betrayal is in the act and not the ring, but it just seems like MM would feel a little uncomfortable wearing a symbol and reminder of his “love”, W, and M particularly when we’re intimate. It makes me think that she is not very “important” in his eyes or at the least he has ZERO guilt or remorse for what he’s doing (which I believe anyway). OTOH, I could see how his W could say that it proves that I’m not that “important” to him by him “flaunting” his ring and reminding me that I am the OW not his W. I guess either way, ring or not, it’s pretty disturbing.

[PhillySpecial]

MM wore the ring today when we were together; I never even thought about it before but I noticed it today thanks to this thread. As he slid his hands all over me I glanced at it and thought "oops, hope he didn't see me looking at his ring". In any case the thought quickly left my head and we did what we always do. Incidentally, I don't think he could take his ring off even if he wanted to, it looks like he needs the next size and that thing is squeezing the life out of his finger.

[jennie-jennie]

MM wore the ring today when we were together; I never even thought about it before but I noticed it today thanks to this thread. As he slid his hands all over me I glanced at it and thought "oops, hope he didn't see me looking at his ring". In any case the thought quickly left my head and we did what we always do. Incidentally, I don't think he could take his ring off even if he wanted to, it looks like he needs the next size and that thing is squeezing the life out of his finger.

 

Now that is symbolism!

[fooled once]

When I was in an affair, he didn't wear a ring. When I first met him at work, I didn't know he was married because he didn't wear a ring (this was prior to any relationship). When we went and had drinks one night, I asked him why he didn't wear a band and he said he hadn't in year. Just wasn't something he wore.

[White Flower]

...his or her wedding ring when he or she is with you?

 

Or does he or she take it off before seeing you?

 

I guess I ask that question because I read recently about someone who was cheating on his wife and in the article it said that he took off his wedding ring when he was with the OW. And I remember recently when my wife mentioned someone who had an affair and he took his ring off. And usually when this is said or printed, it is meant as derogatory and you can almost hear the gasps of horror as the reader/listener hears this.

 

Yet I wonder...is it better or worse with or without the ring on?

 

If I were the MM who cheated, then I think I would take the ring off.

 

Just curious.

I never asked my guy to take his ring off. The entire time I was M he wore his as did I but when bedrroom time came I slipped mine off because I didn't want to scratch him with it.

 

After my D (and no longer wore my ring) I noticed he would take his off so one day I asked him why and he said he didn't want to dishonor me in public. He didn't want people thinking indecent thoughts about me such as I was a homewrecker for dating a MM. He anticipated how people would view me and wanted to prevent it. I never even gave this a thought until this conversation between us.

[White Flower]

Now that is symbolism!

Ha ha ha ha ha!