Does fighting a lot mean you're incompatible?

[XKatieX]

My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for 4 years, it started off with the honey-moon phase...then once we started to get to know each other more, we started to fight. I know that this is normal with most relationships, but we STILL fight a lot..and its built up over time.

 

Things will be going good for a while, then bam something goes wrong..and we're back to square one. Its mostly over stupid things too. I can't help but to think about somewhere I read on here that fighting a lot could mean that you're just incompatible. I don't want to believe this to be true, because I love him...and I don't want to be with anyone else.

 

What do you guys think?

[txsilkysmoothe]

Couples have to learn how to communicate which includes communicating about disagreements. Both have to be willing to do so.

 

Fighting could mean incompatibility or immaturity of one or both of you. Fighting over "stupid things" sounds like immaturity.

 

Has your relationship always been LD? I'm not sure you can really get to know someone that way and therefore can't learn how to communicate with them effectively.

[XKatieX]

We've both been called immature before because of the things we fight about, so it could be that too.

 

But yes its always been a LDR, there are still 2 more years left before the distance ends.

[Els]

There can be a lot of reasons why you fight a lot - but I suppose incompatibility IS one of them. Things such as your current situation do matter though, if both of you are under a lot of stress for some reason, I find that for most people fights occur more often during such situations.

[carhill]

I get the 'stupid things' part, but how does one effectively 'fight' when separated by enormous distance? Do you yell over the phone? Toss electrons at each other in IM? What?

 

What's your timeline for ending the LDR part? IMO, unless there's a timeline for unity, there's no healthy relationship potential. Why bother?

 

Tell me about the last time you 'fought' in person....

[XKatieX]

I get the 'stupid things' part, but how does one effectively 'fight' when separated by enormous distance? Do you yell over the phone? Toss electrons at each other in IM? What?

 

What's your timeline for ending the LDR part? IMO, unless there's a timeline for unity, there's no healthy relationship potential. Why bother?

 

Tell me about the last time you 'fought' in person....

 

We play an online game together, World of Warcraft and I think because of the drama that goes on in the game, playing with a lot of people, and being in diff places, has to do with it sometimes.

Also I'll be talking to him on the phone, and I can't hear what he says clearly or ill misunderstand him. When I say fight I mean we disagree, we call each other names, and sometimes yell..depending on how bad it is.

 

In 2 more years, Ill be able to be with him and no longer be apart. Normally we don't fight in person. We used to see each other once every 2-3 months, but now that he has a job he can afford to see me more, so now its once every week or two, whenever he has a day off. The last time we fought in person was after we had just made up from a fight (we werent speaking for a month) and I felt he was being distant, I told him it didn't seem like he cared as much, and he got mad and left my house. I think we still needed to talk more before we saw each other because I was feeling unsure about things, after he left we did have a nice talk about it.

 

So yea it could be countless things, I really don't know..but as I stated above, we just cannot agree on things when we fight..and its not like I can force him to.

Edited April 20, 2010 by XKatieX

[Rollercoasterr]

I don't think that makes you incompatible, that makes you immature. Both, IMO can spell disaster for a relationship.

 

You're in an LDR. You don't have the luxury of arguing face to face where things can get sorted out. Picking stupid little fights is not only a very, very dumb thing to do, but it can make you resent each other in the end.

 

I think you BOTH need to stop acting like 15 year old high schoolers, grow up, and commit yourself to being in an ADULT relationship. Sorry if that seems harsh for me to put it that way but if you REALLY love him and he returns that love you need to stop acting so immature. There's a reason why teenagers in LDR's very rarely work out. They lack the maturity that is needed.

[XKatieX]

I don't think that makes you incompatible, that makes you immature. Both, IMO can spell disaster for a relationship.

 

You're in an LDR. You don't have the luxury of arguing face to face where things can get sorted out. Picking stupid little fights is not only a very, very dumb thing to do, but it can make you resent each other in the end.

 

I think you BOTH need to stop acting like 15 year old high schoolers, grow up, and commit yourself to being in an ADULT relationship. Sorry if that seems harsh for me to put it that way but if you REALLY love him and he returns that love you need to stop acting so immature. There's a reason why teenagers in LDR's very rarely work out. They lack the maturity that is needed.

 

I know believe me, I know. Its gonna tear us apart, and really it already has.

 

See, we're both VERY hardheaded and stubborn, we both like to be in control. We've always had a lot in common. You would think if were so much a like, we would agree on more..but instead we butt heads.

[Rollercoasterr]

My fiance and I are both hardheaded and stubborn, but we also know when things AREN'T worth fighting over.

 

Seriously. If your relationship means enough to the both of you, then you need to stop this. Being hardheaded and stubborn isn't an excuse for what is going to happen to your relationship if you don't.

 

It takes a lot less time to close your eyes, count to ten, take a deep breath, and change the subject or agree to disagree than it does to mend a broken heart when the silly fights eventually make your relationship self-destruct.

[carhill]

Do you think there's another way to fight? Disagree? Accept that you will disagree and fight. How is the dynamic with him similar to or different from other relationships? See any patterns?

 

You might have incompatible emotional and/or relationship styles. IMO, that isn't something an outsider can discern. I can guess

 

At the end of the day, do you feel your essential needs in a relationship are being valued and met?

[allanworks]

ok do you make love after a fight. do you usally stay mad or do you cool down.does things get fisical,verbal or flying inanimate objects .these are big things if you know what they mean.i need to know this before i can help you.

[XKatieX]

Considering we're in a LDR we can't have make-up sex, although I wish LOL.

 

And things can't get physical either, only verbal. We call each other names, and we yell sometimes over the phone. After that, depending on how heated the fight got..we will just not talk to each other. He is the type that likes to go away, cool off, and come back when hes ready.

 

At the end of the day if my needs are being met or not, it all depends how things go between us. This morning I was on the phone with him, and with phones sometimes its hard to make out what the other is saying, he gets frustrated, says I'm not listening to him, and I get frustrated because I know thats not true.

[Rollercoasterr]

ok do you make love after a fight. do you usally stay mad or do you cool down.does things get fisical,verbal or flying inanimate objects .these are big things if you know what they mean.i need to know this before i can help you.

 

 

Considering that this is an LDR, I'd go ahead and say that half of these things DON'T happen. You can't make love with someone that isn't in front of you. Things can't get physical and you can't throw things as well. And if you're arguing, of COURSE it's verbal.

[allanworks]

sorry didnt know what LDR ment thought it ment love and death relationship actually i dont know allot of these abreviations that are online.but i mean when you argue while your together do yall do any of those things.otherwise i think its frustration on the mans side he misses you and doesnt like talking over a phone im the same way cant stand talking to women over the phone.if you where there i dought he would get mad at you for the same things.when he gets mad tell hem that you love him and that you here him but you cant convey your affections over the phone well and cant wait to see him.

[Els]

.... This subforum says Long-Distance Relationships, not LDR. -.-

[allanworks]

.... This subforum says Long-Distance Relationships, not LDR. -.-

sorry didnt relize but it does say ldr also when you read so many of these forums you loose bits and pieces of info i read. im ADHD so sue me:p.

[aerogurl87]

All I have to say is you should probably try to put an end to the name calling first. Before you say something think about what you say and realize that whatever it is you say, you cannot take back. Those words will be out there forever, and your partner will forever remember when you called him a name, etc., and in the end that stuff can add up. I had to learn this lesson with my ex where we'd get mad at each other and he'd call me every name under the sun and I'd try not to, but eventually I started doing like him. That relationship was not healthy whatsoever. But really, it's not how much you argue that matters, it's how you argue, if that makes any sense.

 

Lol, sorry for the ramble.

[XKatieX]

All I have to say is you should probably try to put an end to the name calling first. Before you say something think about what you say and realize that whatever it is you say, you cannot take back. Those words will be out there forever, and your partner will forever remember when you called him a name, etc., and in the end that stuff can add up. I had to learn this lesson with my ex where we'd get mad at each other and he'd call me every name under the sun and I'd try not to, but eventually I started doing like him. That relationship was not healthy whatsoever. But really, it's not how much you argue that matters, it's how you argue, if that makes any sense.

 

Lol, sorry for the ramble.

 

You make a very good point. During the first few months of our relationship, I told him I hated him after we got into a fight. I immediately told him I didn't mean it, I was just upset..but for him, he says its something he can't ever forget.

 

After that he started saying things to me, like *f * u*, things hes never said to me before. He also said 6 months ago he did not care about me anymore, he had no feelings for me, etc. And I'm not ever going to forget it, to this day it still hurts me.

 

I try my hardest not to call him names, but when he does it himself..it makes it difficult for me not to do the same, because I feel hes not putting forth the effort that I am trying not to.

 

I try thinking of it in this way too: If your SO died tomorrow, would you regret saying it? If the answer is yes, don't say it. You can think it all you want, but don't say it. Anything is possible, he could die tomorrow..I could die tomorrow, and we could never take any of it back.

[allanworks]

when he gets mad tell hem that you love him and that you hear him but you cant convey your affections and niether can he over the phone very well and cant wait to see him.

take my advice please he probably will stop the bitching:D

[aerogurl87]

You make a very good point. During the first few months of our relationship, I told him I hated him after we got into a fight. I immediately told him I didn't mean it, I was just upset..but for him, he says its something he can't ever forget.

 

After that he started saying things to me, like *f * u*, things hes never said to me before. He also said 6 months ago he did not care about me anymore, he had no feelings for me, etc. And I'm not ever going to forget it, to this day it still hurts me.

 

I try my hardest not to call him names, but when he does it himself..it makes it difficult for me not to do the same, because I feel hes not putting forth the effort that I am trying not to.

 

I try thinking of it in this way too: If your SO died tomorrow, would you regret saying it? If the answer is yes, don't say it. You can think it all you want, but don't say it. Anything is possible, he could die tomorrow..I could die tomorrow, and we could never take any of it back.

 

Yes those type of things can hurt for a long time, if not forever. My ex used to call me a b*tch when he'd get upset with me and start yelling other stuff like "shut the f*ck up", "you make me miserable", etc. Then he'd always apologise and say he didn't mean it but he'd get caught up in being so angry it came out, but I never forgot how what he said hurt me and affected me.

 

Also thinking of things in terms of "what if tomorrow never comes and me or my SO dies" is a good way to stop yourself from saying things you don't need/want to say. Kinda reminds me of that song "Never See You Again" by Alicia Keys, lol. But yeah, talk to your boyfriend about all this. Tell him (when you're both calm and collected) that it's not healthy and try to talk things out with him when you do have an argument. Don't blame him, just tell him exactly how you feel by saying things like "I feel that" instead of "well you are". People don't like being attacked, and if you start every other sentence off with "well you did this or that" you'll be attacking him which makes the verbal assaults all the more easier to get into.

[Star Gazer]

But really, it's not how much you argue that matters, it's how you argue, if that makes any sense.

 

Exactly right.

 

If you're name calling and yelling, I'm not sure you can even determine whether you're compatible before learning how to fight/argue fairly.

[Citizen Erased]

If you're like this in an LDR, I can only imagine if you two make it the next two years and are living together. It is an incredibly frustrating situation to be in, being so far away from each other, but yelling and calling each other names is disgraceful. You're adults and are supposed to care for each other, you're destroying the mutual respect in the relationship.

 

I'd have to say you have no chance, not even knowing how compatible you two are or otherwise.

[XKatieX]

Hey guys,I sorta need your help with something.

 

We've been talking and this morning I called him, he answers the phone he just says yea? Later on I tell him I miss him, and he changes the subject to something else, not saying he misses me. He told me once, ( a month ago) that he doesn't have time to miss me because of work. I brought it up a week or so ago and he just said shut up, that it wasn't true.

 

If he misses me, I want to be told that...and if he doesn't, I want to know that to.

 

Am I being too demanding, wanting to hear from him that he misses me? Am i being immature when I get unhappy whenever I talk to him the first thing I get is "yea" ? or a change of subject when I say I miss him?

[Els]

How bad is his work?

[XKatieX]

How bad is his work?

 

Well, this week hes been working 9 hour night shifts. Usually it changes between morning and night shifts, but this week they are giving him his bday off (which is tomorrow) and 2 days off after that.