be miserable for the kids

[confused]

me and my husband have been together for 4 1/2 years, married 2 of them. When we got together we started smoking pot. This continued till I was pregnant with his child a year and 1/2 ago. I quit! I started to become distant alittle at a time. My son is 8 months old and it has just progressed. I keep thinking something will change. Everything he does gets on my nerves. I don't have the desire to touch him and when he touches me it makes me cringe. I thought I loved this person, obviously enough that we decided to have a kid together. After I had my son I thought it was hormones. But I was only like this with him. I started going to counseling. I thought it was a problem with me. I did this in my past, got involved with guys and then maybe a couple months later everything they did got on my nerves and I was no longer attracted. But the difference with them and him is a couple of months to several years. Why all of a sudden now? Could the pot have had that much of an affect on our relationship. I try to figure out what we had in common and it makes me wonder if it was the pot.

 

I also have a 10 year old from a previous relationship who's father bailed on him two years ago. This is why I'm so hesitant to end our marriage. Also, since we have a child together I don't want to do the every other weekend thing. Plus I don't want to regret something later on. So what do I do? Stay in it for the kids and be miserable? Maybe to the point of us hating each other. Its already very tense. HELP!!! Please give advice.

[Taressa]

You made a covenant relationship to this man. You've made a child with this man. For yourself and all involved, set your resolve to stick it out.

 

The relationships you start may be based on something less than solidly built love. There may be something in these men that feel a need so deeply hidden you don't realize it. Eventually, with these men's help you become stronger and stop needing them and voila', your feelings turn off.

 

Since you've already recognized the problem and have recognized your inability to reason out these feelings, I suggest you return to the counseling you once started. If your closest friends cannot help you discover the root of the problem, a trained psychiatrist has the tools to help you.

 

You've already taken a huge step in deciding to do something about the problem. Hang in there and win your fight.

[confused]

How can you make yourself act like you don't feel. Like show affection. As far as going to counseling, I went for two months and she wants to blame it on having no father figure. Well, I can't change my child hood. So if thats the problem what can I do about it now?

 

Thank you so much for responding. I drive myself crazy analyzing it 24/7. There's not to many people I can talk to plus its nice to get an unbiased opinion. Any more suggestions or advice would also be appreciated.

You made a covenant relationship to this man. You've made a child with this man. For yourself and all involved, set your resolve to stick it out. The relationships you start may be based on something less than solidly built love. There may be something in these men that feel a need so deeply hidden you don't realize it. Eventually, with these men's help you become stronger and stop needing them and voila', your feelings turn off. Since you've already recognized the problem and have recognized your inability to reason out these feelings, I suggest you return to the counseling you once started. If your closest friends cannot help you discover the root of the problem, a trained psychiatrist has the tools to help you. You've already taken a huge step in deciding to do something about the problem. Hang in there and win your fight.

[Taressa]

You're right. Affection shouldn't be forced.

 

The fact is that things that happen in childhood play a huge part in who we become and who we desire as we grow into adults.

 

If your father was lost or if he abandoned you in childhood, there is probably some of the lost little girl feelings buried in you that wants a daddy to protect her, provide for her, give her security and love. Perhaps you initially find these things in the relationships you form. It feels like love. It fulfills your needs - for awhile.

 

These relationships just don't last because the part of us that seeks to feel the missing parental love is bound to grow up. Like a child that outgrows his parents' authority, we outgrow the relationship.

 

With patience you'll find the counselor is not trying to change your childhood but rather trying to help you understand your need. Once you see the need that causes you to form and then withdraw from these relationships, you'll be able to seek better ways to make yourself complete. Like any good horror movie, a seen monster is easier to fight than one unknown.

 

I still stick by my advice to return to the counseling. They can help you see how to help yourself. Your 24/7 obsession right now is your attempt to see a blind spot. A trained psychiatrist can help you.

 

Don't give up. You are capable of loving and being loved. Your promise for better or worse is not beyond your ability. Please do seek trained help.

 

How can you make yourself act like you don't feel. Like show affection. As far as going to counseling, I went for two months and she wants to blame it on having no father figure. Well, I can't change my child hood. So if thats the problem what can I do about it now? Thank you so much for responding. I drive myself crazy analyzing it 24/7. There's not to many people I can talk to plus its nice to get an unbiased opinion. Any more suggestions or advice would also be appreciated.

[Taressa]

P.S.

 

Please seek out friends. You don't need to be in this alone.

 

May I also suggest the greatest healer of all, your Creator God. He is real and He can be found.

 

Press on in this struggle.