Getting Closure

[trippi1432]

I know that not everyone gets this, and for those of us who do, it's a good road to healing. Closure is what we make it...truly. We choose to continue hurting, or we choose to start living. We can't solve each others problems, but we CAN listen, be there for each other and relate to each others pain.

 

For the second time, I sent my son to live with his father. I know, this time, it was the right thing to do. (For those that have followed, I have had really hard times with my DS not going to school...to the point of being warned that I would go to jail if he missed another day.) At any rate, his father has really grown during this period of separation. Even though I wish he could have done this for us, I can't be anything more than happy for him and happy that he wants to be involved in his son's life.

 

My ex has stated more than once that he knows he did wrong by us....the drinking, the yelling, the screaming...for almost 16 years (or at least after I got pregnant)....and yes, it was both of us. Eventually, the more I grew, the more insecure he became. I didn't do that to him, he did that to himself. I wanted to share a life, he felt that he came last....and ultimately, he did.

 

I don't blame him for leaving as I see he is happy. He's moved out of that WAW fog and has opened himself up to what I have been telling him for years. He causes his own stress with his family (not just us, but his entire family) as he allows it to get to him...in turn, we would take it out on each other. Why? Because as his wife I wanted to be there for him, but as a husband that meant weakness. I truly wish that I could say as a husband, he tried because I meant that much to him...but even he admits that he didn't...and he doesn't know why...he just didn't.

 

Something I have learned, even made a list with my therapist today, it's time to start making a promise to myself to stop expecting and accepting less than what I deserve.....I can be just who I am. I have hard days with that sometimes, I fight not putting myself down a lot....and it hurts when you try to do that and someone else does it for you...because that is all you hear when it's all you've heard most of your life. They say the only way is up once you hit rock bottom....I'm working on that climb and it helps to finally know that my ex is on the road to a better life. It gives me hope that someday, I will be on that road as well.

[trippi1432]

I found this a very interesting read, almost humorous, as well as insightful. We talk about red flags in relationships, I wish I had known about that 20 years ago....would have been some help.

 

I found this list online and saw a lot of these flags in my relationships....not just the SO or ex, but myself as well.....(open eyes...:confused:). The other side of this, is that the list is so comprehensive....I don't see how anyone could even have a relationship ever again if they went by everything on it!!! WOW!!

 

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml

 

(Hoping I don't get in trouble for posting the link...ask forgiveness later I guess.)

[JaneDoe35]

I have also learned that I will never get closure because of something my husband says or does. Closure is within myself, my choice. I am going to read that red flag list now!!!!

[trippi1432]

I have also learned that I will never get closure because of something my husband says or does. Closure is within myself, my choice. I am going to read that red flag list now!!!!

 

Seriously, if everyone went by this list....no one would be in a relationship with anyone...not even themselves.....:lmao::lmao:

[You Go Girl]

I think everyone who is hurting needs to read a lot about detachment. I think I'll start a detachment thread soon.

Finding that closure--moving on--letting go--

all are about detaching emotionally. And really, what I've learned that is so enlightening--is that long before any detachment happens naturally (which is painfully slow) there is the choice to detach.

It's a skill!

No kidding. Something you consciously practice. So, like a math problem, there's a way to emotionally detach in order to move forward with life.

And detachment isn't only good as a skill to use when a relationship has failed.

Say you're just in a tough spot with someone. Arguing, disagreeing, whatever. Detachment allows for you to sit back and examine the whole situation, cool off, etc.

I used to think of detachment in a vague emotional way. But now I understand that it is a useful skill whether it is your boss upsetting you, your kid, another driver on the road, doesn't matter who or what the situation--but whenever you feel pulled into some abyss and need to detach yourself from it.

Ending long-term relationships are the real test of detachment skills. Seeing yourself as having shared a part of your life with that person, but you are not summed up by that relationship.

It's all in your self-image. How you value yourself, your self-esteem, etc., as a person who neither came into this life owning that estranged spouse, nor will leave it that way, and vise versa.

My eyes are so awakening to all this. It's like a huge light-bulb went off. Acceptance and detachment. Two priceless words when leaving a LTR.

 

We all have to be completely comfortable with ourselves, alone. That's the only road to success. Then, no matter who comes or goes in our life, we have something stable to rely on--OURSELVES!

[tavoludo]

When I read the book who moved my cheese? I made a list.

 

A checklist of what needed to be done to move on to be happy, although I still don't know what is going to happen with my wife at least I know what to do, and by knowing I am at peace with myself, her and the people around me.

 

Either way, we all need to let go, I say let go because in my relationship it got to a point that we fell prisoners to each other, we felt so lost and we didn't know what do. I guess that's the reason why we never let go completely until now. We love each other so much but we did not know hoping for the best we needed to really change. Were never honest to ourselves and never changed attitudes considerably, juuuust enough to live our daily lives.

 

We got into constant arguments out of nothing, instead of working together towards a common goal we treated each other like rivals and wanted to be right all the time. Sometimes we would lower our guard but sometimes we failed. Let go means to let go of your resentment, let go of your anger, let go of your pride and ultimately let go of each other to be together if that's the case.

 

I know it sounds illogical, let go to be together but I accept that at some point we took each other for granted, we cared more about our own idea of what marriage should be that in the other person's interests, needs and dreams. I still love her so much and even if my love is not enough to make her come back, I still wish her the best in life. We both deserve a life full of happiness and I am certain that we will with or without each other.

 

This 3 weeks have taught me so much, I have finally started to heal and to change and I am grateful to life, god, or whatever you want to call it, for this chance of redemption and change that arrived at only 27.

Edited April 23, 2010 by tavoludo

[Gunny376]

Closure?

 

Closure?

 

There is no such thing as "closure" in Life ~ not in so long as your living and breathing and sucking in air.

 

There are such things as "New Beginnings" and "turning the page" or "starting a new chapter"

 

There's no such thing as closure. There's a such a thing as "forgiving" but there's no such thing as "forgetting"

 

One can forgive ~ but one can never forget!

 

Once wronged? Always wronged!

 

The only 'closure' there is in this life?

 

Is when they close the lid to your coffin.

[trippi1432]

Closure?

 

Closure?

 

There is no such thing as "closure" in Life ~ not in so long as your living and breathing and sucking in air.

 

There are such things as "New Beginnings" and "turning the page" or "starting a new chapter"

 

There's no such thing as closure. There's a such a thing as "forgiving" but there's no such thing as "forgetting"

 

One can forgive ~ but one can never forget!

 

Once wronged? Always wronged!

 

The only 'closure' there is in this life?

 

Is when they close the lid to your coffin.

 

Gunny,

 

I don't know if I can agree with this whole analogy...yes, once wronged, always wronged (it's something that my ex and I will never get past)....BUT, the contradiction here is that you can start a new chapter.....you have to get closure before you start that chapter....if you don't, then you have nothing but baggage and heartache....at least he has....and I'm proud that he could do that for himself.

Edited April 24, 2010 by trippi1432
Because I am stupid...lol

[Gunny376]

I don't know if you can concet?

 

Rushinging forward "knowing" the next bullet has 'your' name on it ~! aimed at your forehead!

[trippi1432]

I don't know if you can concet?

 

Rushinging forward "knowing" the next bullet has 'your' name on it ~! aimed at your forehead!

 

Gunny, my heart is out to you...you have been with me since day one....getting close to a year ago. We talked once about how you raised your daughter to be independent and think for herself....there is a lot of strife in the world, but would you ever want her to close her heart?

 

Everyone deserves to be cared for, to be seen as the person they are....for their strength and their weaknesses.....good times and bad times. It's what makes us. My step-dad, two tours of duty in 'Nam....during thunderstorms, he sits on the porch and watches the lightening...he barely talks about it and if you ask him.....he just reflects and then says nothing (Army). Only story I ever got out of him was why his onyx class ring is in a bag shattered into fragments. A story of life and death in a rice patty field in Vietnam....some people have choice...and some people have to just know how to survive.

 

My best friend's brother...remember him when he was three....just received a Hero's medal at the White House earlier this month. Three tours of Iraq and one tour of Afghanistan...Air Force...but on the ground and very close to the "action". I'm not allowed to say what he does, but I will tell you that at 9 years old....while riding his bike with his friend, he watched his best friend get killed when he was hit by a car and drug down the road. One instant earlier, it would have been him....we just don't know what fate has in store for us.

 

The bullet (destruction) or the gun (protection)....that is a choice. As ironic as it seems, the two are one....but the choice in the perception is yours. Respect those that came before you, but live in their honor.

[trippi1432]

So, working on a list of Values and Priorities....it will change over time, but it's something to work towards:

 

Values:

 

 

• Son
  
• Daughter
  
• Security
  
• Physical Health
  
• Mental Health
  
• Job
  

 

Priorities:

 

 

• Learning how to say "NO"...lol.
  
• Joining Zummba...exercise class
  
• Going out with the Girls more - reconnect
  
• Redecorating my house
  
• 7 year plan to be debt free
  
• Buying some sort of pool so I get out and enjoy my backyard (even a kiddie pool...lol)
  
• Learning how to shut my computer off (done with school - need to quit spending all day on a computer at work and all night) - use the phone more to remember what it's like to actually hear a familiar human voice.
  
• Developing my own style (UK shopping with NOB!!! SOMEONE NEEDS TO LET HER BACK ON LS...GRRRRR!!!)
  

The list will change...but it's something to work towards....to be focused on. One thing I noticed....no priority on job....ahhhh....that feels good.

[trippi1432]

This 3 weeks have taught me so much, I have finally started to heal and to change and I am grateful to life, god, or whatever you want to call it, for this chance of redemption and change that arrived at only 27.

 

Tav - you are early in on the learning, but wise on the understanding.

 

Ultimately, it comes down to the relationship we have with ourselves...I'm working on mine...my STBXH is working on his....he's done good. I would rather let him go with love and honor him for the person he has become (as much as he couldn't be that for us). With that, I can work on me. It's funny how life comes full circle.

[PWSX3]

Gunny,

 

I don't know if I can agree with this whole analogy...yes, once wronged, always wronged (it's something that my ex and I will never get past)....BUT, the contradiction here is that you can start a new chapter.....you have to get closure before you start that chapter....if you don't, then you have nothing but baggage and heartache....at least he has....and I'm proud that he could do that for himself.

I think I have to agree with Gunny, you don't get closure. I would maybe calling it excepting what happened & grieve the loss of what you thought was or would be & just move on with that new life you are talking about.

 

You can't forget the past that is what makes who you are, but you MUST forgive the past.

[Gunny376]

Yea! You and I have been through some hard times, good times, crying times and some bad times over the last year.

 

I after over twenty years of trying to live up to being John Wayne, find myself talking to a psychologist and on antidepressant and anxiety drugs.

 

I love thunderstorms and lighting! They remind me of the Arty fire twenty miles away!

Edited April 25, 2010 by Gunny376

[Gunny376]

Hero's medal at the White House earlier this month. Three tours of Iraq and one tour of Afghanistan...Air Force...but on the ground and very close to the "action". I'm not allowed to say what he does

 

I know what he does. He's no 'light weight' and went through Hell to get to where he's at! He's right up there with the Green Beruit, SEAL's Marine Recon.

[Gunny376]

Gunny, my heart is out to you...you have been with me since day one....getting close to a year ago. We talked once about how you raised your daughter to be independent and think for herself....there is a lot of strife in the world, but would you ever want her to close her heart?

 

Everyone deserves to be cared for, to be seen as the person they are....for their strength and their weaknesses.....good times and bad times. It's what makes us. My step-dad, two tours of duty in 'Nam....during thunderstorms, he sits on the porch and watches the lightening...he barely talks about it and if you ask him.....he just reflects and then says nothing (Army). Only story I ever got out of him was why his onyx class ring is in a bag shattered into fragments. A story of life and death in a rice patty field in Vietnam....some people have choice...and some people have to just know how to survive.

 

My best friend's brother...remember him when he was three....just received a Hero's medal at the White House earlier this month. Three tours of Iraq and one tour of Afghanistan...Air Force...but on the ground and very close to the "action". I'm not allowed to say what he does, but I will tell you that at 9 years old....while riding his bike with his friend, he watched his best friend get killed when he was hit by a car and drug down the road. One instant earlier, it would have been him....we just don't know what fate has in store for us.

 

The bullet (destruction) or the gun (protection)....that is a choice. As ironic as it seems, the two are one....but the choice in the perception is yours. Respect those that came before you, but live in their honor.

 

 

I'm going through some mental, physical, pyschological withfdrawals right now.

 

I'm not normal!

 

And I will never be again!

[trippi1432]

I'm going through some mental, physical, pyschological withfdrawals right now.

 

I'm not normal!

 

And I will never be again!

 

Hugs Gunny...stay strong. :love:

[Gunny376]

Thanks trippi1432

 

I'm doing good, feeling better, sleeping better, sounder. I'm dreaming again!

 

Good dreams! Saturday, the grass is cut, the kids are jumping though the sprinkler, laughing and giggling, got some sirloins on the grill, some potatoes cooking

 

Haven't done that in years!

 

Well I dreamed but it was mostly bad things and horrible images. Rwanda ~ 94 throwing dead men, women, and children in the back of a dump truck!

 

Beirut. Still don't want to go there! I wasn't part of the unit that got hit by the bomber? I was part of the clean up crew. Brought me to my knees and just cried!

 

The meds (AD and Anxiety drugs) are seriously helping. I'm no longer PO with the world and everyone in it! Things ~ and I mean little things don't set me off. I laugh more, and smile more! I'm more sociable! I interact with others more and better than I have in years!

 

For years upon years I had a bad case of analysis to the point of paralysis. I use to worry about any and everything! Now that I'm on the meds? I worry about nothing!

 

I still have issues, and things I've got to deal with and come to terms with. That's for me and my psychologist to work through. In the end? I know I did what I had to do, and in the end?

 

I had to do what I had to do. There wasn't any other choice! Coming to terms with it and living with it is another story.

 

My PCP (Primary Care Provider) and psychologist are glove and hand in my care. I see my PCP every two weeks, and my psychologist once a month.

 

I was surprised by my psychologist in that he told me I had long term depression, anxiety, PTSD and alcohol abuse. That is to say that I'm not physically addicted to alcohol that I'm just using it to mask away my feelings that I've delayed in dealing with.(PTSD)

 

God! I should have been on the couch (actually its a chair) years ago!

 

Just the last three weeks of being on the antidepressants and anxiety drugs have made such a difference in my attitude, perspective, out-look in and toward life!

[Gunny376]

Hugs Gunny...stay strong. :love:

 

Oh! I'm strong! All day strong!

 

Its just that back in the day, 10, 20, 30 years ago when I was going through the BS and didn't have time to deal with it?

 

Well its coming home to haunt me for sure! Now that I've got time on my hands.

 

Back then it was "YOU! Here! YOU there! YOU do this now! YOU go here! YOU go there! YOU do this NOW!"

 

I've changed!

 

I'm forever changed!

[trippi1432]

Change is good Gunny...can be chaotic at times. Today, I'm not so good....would love to just be out of this life and start a new one....just be done with this one...tired, tired....just so f'ing tired.

 

How many times do you have to open a vein for selfish SOB's to suck the life out of you? How many times do you have have to sacrifice the things you have in your life that make you happy....things you could work on to make you happy, what you love and what you know you want, to blood-sucking peers who could care less about who you are but what you can give them????

 

How many times can you ask for help, not get it and then have someone say to you...well, you should have asked for help?? Hello?? Am I that invisible.......oh, you should have given me an ultimatum to stop drinking.....oh, guess that fell on deaf ears every time I begged, pleaded....packed up the f'ing car and sold everything I f'ing owned....didn't comprehend it?? WTF????....oh, you should have gotten me up earlier....woke me up earlier, everything is YOUR fault that I miss school....am late for school....etc....E...T...F'ing cetera.....WHEN WILL PEOPLE BECOME RESPONSIBLE TO THE HURT THAT THEY CAUSE OTHERS....THE PAIN THAT THEY CAUSE OTHERS....HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO BE WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS UNTIL I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE F'CK I AM ANYMORE???????????????????????????????

 

I'm sorry....just sick of it....sick, sick, sick........I am being selfish....thinking just of my own pain.....forgot...that's not what I am supposed to do. It's not about me, it's about whether I got the dust off the bottom of the f'ing end tables...it's about being adaptable and knowing that friends come and go very easily being uprooted 22 times in 11 years....it's about not getting attached because it rips out your soul....not just your heart.

 

Again, I apologize as I know that I am not the only one going through hurt right now....it's not about me....I have never mattered.

[Gunny376]

Change is good Gunny...can be chaotic at times. Today, I'm not so good....would love to just be out of this life and start a new one....just be done with this one...tired, tired....just so f'ing tired.

 

How many times do you have to open a vein for selfish SOB's to suck the life out of you? How many times do you have have to sacrifice the things you have in your life that make you happy....things you could work on to make you happy, what you love and what you know you want, to blood-sucking peers who could care less about who you are but what you can give them????

 

How many times can you ask for help, not get it and then have someone say to you...well, you should have asked for help?? Hello?? Am I that invisible.......oh, you should have given me an ultimatum to stop drinking.....oh, guess that fell on deaf ears every time I begged, pleaded....packed up the f'ing car and sold everything I f'ing owned....didn't comprehend it?? WTF????....oh, you should have gotten me up earlier....woke me up earlier, everything is YOUR fault that I miss school....am late for school....etc....E...T...F'ing cetera.....WHEN WILL PEOPLE BECOME RESPONSIBLE TO THE HURT THAT THEY CAUSE OTHERS....THE PAIN THAT THEY CAUSE OTHERS....HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO BE WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS UNTIL I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE F'CK I AM ANYMORE???????????????????????????????

 

I'm sorry....just sick of it....sick, sick, sick........I am being selfish....thinking just of my own pain.....forgot...that's not what I am supposed to do. It's not about me, it's about whether I got the dust off the bottom of the f'ing end tables...it's about being adaptable and knowing that friends come and go very easily being uprooted 22 times in 11 years....it's about not getting attached because it rips out your soul....not just your heart.

 

Again, I apologize as I know that I am not the only one going through hurt right now....it's not about me....I have never mattered.

 

Yep! Been to that level of Hell

[trippi1432]

Yep! Been to that level of Hell

 

It's not just hell Gunny, it's knowing that the only reason why you are here, why you are on this Earth, was to keep your parents together, to get your mom away from a dad that beat her constantly. It's knowing that you are only meant to please everyone else....be the reason for their actions...it's why I raised my kids to be who they are...because I never could be.

 

I knew who I wanted to be when I was 16....knew what I needed to put behind me even though my family threw it in my face, knew that I would never measure up to what my grandparent's or my dad ever thought was "A" class material. Why, because no one is perfect....no one is "A" class....to think so and put people under such pressure is to only set them up for failure. A lesson I learned in Leadership Dimensions.....set up to fail...that is what we do to ourselves and what putting the weight of all responsibility on our shoulders does to us.

 

Done...I'm done with it......I don't live up to others expectations and I certainly don't live up to my own.

[trippi1432]

Tonight my STBXH (thank God he was there) told me that he was trying to tell me a while back that he had a dream about me...he had died and on his way to heaven he saw an angel....it was me....and he said I didn't even know him. What does that mean???

 

In the meantime we have both agreed to be on the same page with our son....I've cut my phone off as our son has called me over and over again today....he wants to come home for an xBox....that is all his father and I were ever worth.

[trippi1432]

For the first decade, I wiped the tears from my cheeks...

You never saw how much I cried...

 

For the second decade, I wiped the tears from your cheeks....

You never saw me, or how much I died.....

[trippi1432]

It's a sad thing when all the people who say I'm here if you need me, there's only one that truly is...even sadder that he is the one that checks on you the next morning to see if you are alright....and it's not because he wants something from you, it's because he still genuinely cares. Why does it take a divorce for two people to see each other for who they cared about in the first place and to treat each other with respect eventually??? I will never understand that nor will I ever trust anyone to be there for me again.