/I'm about to have an extramarital affair. Just meeting my needs./

[passingthru]

It's painfully obvious this woman is looking for more than just sex and orgasms. She wants someone who can give her everything her husband can't. And like Moimeme pointed out, her oxytocin will take over and she will fall in love with another man eventually, which will only set up a whole new set of problems and pain for her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I can almost understand why others who are unhappy in their marriages, and have gotten away with adultery unscathed (so far) might want to encourage others to do the same.

 

Misery loves company, I suppose.

 

But what Ardea is preparing to do (meeting men for sex over the internet) is very dangerous! Why would anyone, who truly has her best interest at heart, encourage her to take such a risk? Would these same people feel any twinge of guilt if something terrible happened to this poor woman?

 

Would you give this same advice to your own daughters?

 

I have a friend whose secretary was found dead two years ago in her Owings Mills, Maryland apartment. After compensating her computer, they discovered she was murdered by a man she had met on-line.

 

Ardea, if you are going out to meet virtual strangers, it is IMPERATIVE that you tell SOMEONE where you are going and who you are suppose to be going to meet. And because of the nature of your meeting, you are unable to tell anyone in your social circle.

 

So why not leave the information with Samson, Lost or Bark/Jester. Let SOMEONE know in case there is trouble? If these anonymous strangers on LS truly have your best interests at heart, then perhaps they'd be willing to provide you with a life line.

 

Lets see if any of them REALLY care enough about you to actually get involved...

 

You sound like a woman with nothing to lose.

 

SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING TO LOOSE!

[jester]

Ardea, I'm available if you need anything. I'm also an attorney. You know how to reach me.

[moimeme]

I have a friend whose secretary was found dead two years ago in her Owings Mills, Maryland apartment. After compensating her computer, they discovered she was murdered by a man she had met on-line.

 

Enigma - that's horrible!!!

 

Ardea - get a gigolo.

[lostforwords]

Enigma, I can understand your reason for being concerned for Ardea.... however for you to have such an underlying tone of matter of fact "doubt" about Jester, myself, or Samson wanting to be there for her for security reasons or safety reasons is a load of hog wash. And most likely only done as a scare tactic..... im sure ardea is quite aware of the risks and precautions of what she is doing, i dont think she lives in a hole in the ground where she has led a sheltered life...... for you to assume this woman has not looked at the consequences only means to me.... that you really have not followed her plight about this or her marriage here at LS. If some of you people would just realize people come here for support as well as advice..... and yet over and over again the same have come to make digs, comments as well as presumptions that one cannot think for themselves (hence ardeas decision) please face the fact not all of you can save everyone as i see you guys doing most of the time. and for you to bring jester myself and sampson in it as if we should feel responsible and hold her hand during and after her decision.... is down right ridiculous.... however.... i would like to point out... i have followed ardeas threads and have not yet commented on it till the past few days, nor have i even spoken to her privately.... but yes ardea.... if you feel you would like to share your whereabouts with me etc...... by all means id be more than happy as well as relieved to know of your safety and wellbeing.... i still support your decision you have made.... and would like to point out to all of you LSers who feel the need to save her..... until you walk a mile in someones shoes.... until you carry the same load on your shoulders..... until you can muster enough strength to come forward and admit your having poroblems and wish to seek some sort of relief...... id highly suggest be far more supportive and a far better service to a poster of not being critical, judgemental (cringe all you want your appearing this way not me) and be more useful to the poster.

 

Ardea as you can see Jester and I both have offered you our assistance..... and we also respect your privacy if you choose not to.

[moimeme]

The assumption is always made that people posting about these situations know nothing of them. This is a fallacious assumption, as is the assumption that everyone in this person's situation (i.e. 'walking in her shoes') would make the same choice. People have been in similar situations and NOT made the choice, and speak to that.

 

Those views should be every bit as valid, and people condemning people who don't agree with them should perhaps take their own advice and realize they have not walked in their shoes, either. That some people in difficult marriages have decided to have affairs should not negate the choices of people who have had difficult marriages and chosen NOT to have affairs. Unfortunately, those who did have affairs don't seem to think this is the case.

[lostforwords]

Its called supporting a poster in thier time of need..... not condemnation and scolding.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Wow, thank you so much, lostforwords and jester, I truly do appreciate your support and I'll take you both up on the offer. I don't live in a hole, you're quite right...I am cautious and skeptical, so I feel my risks are minimized.

 

You know...as someone with a difficult load and a hard decision made...I find that it's not the loud, angry voices that speak to me (tuning them out is almost automatic), but rather those soft and subtle statements that really resonate. The number one thing I've gotten from LS has been sympathy...it's great to hear people recognize that I am suffering. My husband won't ever let that be spoken, and I can't talk about the depth of our problems to my family or friends. So where else can I truly speak my mind except to "strangers"?

[disgusted]

Originally posted by jester

I'm also an attorney.

Big deal. All that means is that you should know better!

[lostforwords]

Big deal. All that means is that you should know better!

 

oh for petes sake.... people are frikkin human. perhaps coming in as your true self instead of a mask would hold more clout..... but then again i doubt that very much!

[Arabess]

Affairs have a way of really biting you in the A$$....but you know....I'd rather lose a chunk of my A$$ than forget what it's there for.

 

Each situation is different.....and sometimes.....you have to find a way to make your own smiles.

 

.......will be looking for a smiling hottie avatar from you.......

[heartburn]

Majority men or women would not cheat if their needs were being met at home. Life is to damn short to be unhappy.

[SoleMate]

Affairs have a way of really biting you in the A$$....but you know....I'd rather lose a chunk of my A$$ than forget what it's there for.

Honey you are killing me!

[jester]

My sense all along,Ardea, is that you're a highly responsible adult who is at the end of her rope. I understand that you would not enter into any encounter rife with risk.

 

And don't worry about the LS gang, Lost and I will take the heat for you. Lost and I are used to taking unpopular positions. That's why we're so popular among the rank and file. We make great lightening rods.

 

Oh well, someone has to do it.

[jester]

I'd rather lose a chunk of my A$$ than forget what it's there for.

 

Arabess, how do you come up with these killer one liners?

 

Just awesome.

[lostforwords]

Arabess....... roflmfao..... i ditto jester and solemate.... that was hilarious....

 

jester.... im with you brother... all the way....

 

 

.......will be looking for a smiling hottie avatar from you.......

 

surely your not referring to me......

[EnigmaXOXO]

im sure ardea is quite aware of the risks and precautions of what she is doing, i dont think she lives in a hole in the ground where she has led a sheltered life...... for you to assume this woman has not looked at the consequences only means to me.... that you really have not followed her plight about this or her marriage here at LS.

 

Of course, I have been following this poor woman’s posts…and not only do I sympathize, but EMPATHIZE with her situation. But I am also not the kind of person who would hand a loaded gun to someone who wanted to commit suicide just because they felt it was their only way out. Nor would I ever make empty, self-promoting promises to clean up the mess after the deed was done. Particularly if I knew that such promises were logistically impossible to keep.

 

People tend not to think rationally when the fog of desperation and despair clouds their reasoning. It is then such people become their own worst enemies and begin to self-destruct. Not to encourage someone to follow a safer course of action is down-right irresponsible. Something I have seen on these boards recently among new members, which some of us find terribly disheartening.

 

If this forum is Ardea’s only lifeline, then I fear she is in more danger than any of us "assume"…

 

And THAT’S why I'm genuinely afraid for her.

[Bronzepen]

I personally don't believe anything good can come out of having an affair. Although, Lostforwords will disagree with me. ;-)

 

 

We all put a diffrent weight on how "bad" infidelty is. From one end of the spectrum to the other end. For some it's unthinkable for others it's just a way of compensating for something they need/lack and/or want. At the very end of the spectrum, some people are just plain selfish.

 

Ardea, if you can honestly say that you have tried everything to make your marriage work to no avail then seek a divorce. I know no marriage is perfect but there should be more good then bad in any marriage.

Once the scale tips toward more bad then good and you have tried everything to tip it back but nothing worked then it's safe to say the marriage is over.

 

In your case, your not sexually satisfied. Sex is very important in marriage. You said you have tried talking to your husband but he won't change or listen. 3 years is a very long time without having "real sex" like you said. I admire your will power and endurance. Anyone in your situation will be ready to move on.

 

My advice to Ardea is...move on. You can then get all the sexual gratification you want.

[UCFKevin]

This question was asked but not answer: Why stay in the marriage? What, do you think it's gonna get BETTER somehow eventually?

 

No good will come from this at all. End the marriage.

 

Regardless of the circumstances, I can't believe some folks here are saying, "Yeah! You go girl!"

[meanon]

Ardea,

 

I hope you find some happiness and consolation - you deserve it.

[lostforwords]

ok.... i think we can all agree to disagree.... none the less she made her decision.... its her choice... im not advocating infedelity but yet trying to promote SUPPORT to whatever decisons shes made... i wont condemn her nor try to talk into leaving her marriage... its not up to me or anyone for that matter to convince people to do that AFTER the fact they have already made thier decision on what thier doing..... its called support PEOPLE.... not suicide nor enough reason (in her opinion obviously) to want to do even more dire straits to an already emotionally and physically wrecked husband.... get over it guys.... she made her decision... perhaps instead of sympathy and empathy your offering try offering an outreached hand instead of a closed mind...... when an already clear decision has already been made.

[moimeme]

It is never too late to rethink a decision. Particularly one which might bite you in the butt worse than you have so far forecast it would.

[jmargel]

Ardea,

 

I'm usually not judgemental, and have gotten quite a few PMs thanking me for my advice. So take this as you may see it.

 

Are you stupid?

 

After saying that this is why I ask. This guy you married, what has caused him to be this way? Instead of running after something like sex which WILL only pull you two further apart, why not get to the root of the problem & goto couple's counciling?

 

If you haven't had sex in 3 years then you are missing alot more in that marriage than just sex. You'll find that sex will NOT cure your problems. It'll only torment you more. Your husband in some point in time will have to know or find out. He's unstable as it is, can you handle him killing himself knowing that this sent him over the edge?

 

If you are that truly unhappy in the marriage, and don't want it to work then you need to leave not just for him, but yourself. What you are doing is out of deseperation.

 

Trust me, I slept w/ a married woman once, it was the most shallow feeling I ever had afterwards. Don't do it.

[meanon]

Ardea is unwilling or unable to leave her husband. Most people would have left this marriage long ago, so great has been the suffering. The fact that Ardea remains is due either to the committment to remain a continued support to her husband who depends on her (maybe Ardea is the best placed to judge if he would prefer to be duped or single) or fear/lack of emotional resources to leave the marriage. If it is the latter, no amount of good advice has convinced Ardea that she is able to take this final step. Affairs sometimes provide a lifeline to enable people to survive what would otherwise break them. I have seen this myself with a close friend. I would never advocate them as the emotional risks to all involved are great but I can see that there are circumstances (maybe this is one of them) where the "do nothing" approach is riskier.

[cdn]

I really think some of the responses here are a little out of proportion as various camps try to assert their moral superiority through other arguments.

 

Health - Yes, Ardea needs to exercise caution in selecting the man (men) she chooses for her venture. But why is this caution applied so much more vehemently to Ardea than it is to the many other posters who are starting new relationships or re-establishing old ones? I would be willing to guess that, based on the amount of soul-searching Ardea has done prior to coming to this decision, she is less rather than more likely to exercise the necessary cautions.

 

Physical Safety Largely covered above. I agree that someone should know her whereabouts. Perhaps she has an offline friend who can be let in on her plans. Or perhaps someone here can provide that support (there have been several offers).

 

Morality of What She's Doing I will say at the outset that I am opposed to extra-marital affairs. I believe the best marriages are those which do not include such activities. However, Ardea's marriage is already not in the category of "best" marriages and, if we are to believe what she has posted in not only this but other threads (and we have no reason not to believe her), there is no action available to her at this time to turn her marriage into a "best" marriage or even a tolerable one. So she is exercising an option that we all seem to be in agreement will not strengthen her marriage. But will it necessarily harm it? I think not. I think that if Ardea can get the release/relief she needs from a physical affair, she may be better prepared to deal with her marriage. Or perhaps she will fall (emotionally) for the man she has her affair with, and this will lead to her to another decision. So be it. Fact is, right now both Ardea and her husband are miserable and neither has the ability to relieve the other (and I dn't just mean sexually). For what it's worth, I don't believe that every infidelity ruins a marriage. Certainly, every *discovered* infidelity takes a toll -- and even then not necessarily a death knell -- but not every infidelity is discovered. I believe many strong marriages survive infidelity (discovered and not) and, although this is not the optimum model, it is not necessarily the worst thing that can happen in a marriage.

 

LoveShack as a Support System I really think that once you've given your advice and been told politely, "thanks but no thanks," it's time to leave the poster alone. There is a world of difference between offering advice -- even unpopular advice -- and badgering members whose views don't mesh with your own. If you are interested in debating an issue, use an appropriate forum and keep personalities out of it. It is a rare individual whose views will be swayed as a result of being bullied, belittled and preached to.

 

Just to clarify: this is NOT to say that everyone who voiced opposition to Ardea's plans is guilty of the above. Many posters are capable of compassionate disagreement. Sadly, a few are not and insist on attempting to berate others into submission.