/I'm about to have an extramarital affair. Just meeting my needs./

[EnigmaXOXO]

But Meanon, wouldn't the end results be the same whether choosing divorce or adultery?

 

If she can't leave husband because of his mental stability, or her financial/emotional dependence on the marriage...how would the consequences of getting caught be any different?

 

He may still be pushed over the edge, or perhaps he'll still have the where-with-all to divorce her. Either way, she may still have to face her worse fears.

 

Sometimes there's just no hiding or escaping the inevitable. All roads eventually lead to the same end. But some of us choose a path riddled with more consequence. And so often, we unable turn back.

[meanon]

Well put cdn!!!!!

[lostforwords]

here here

[cdn]

I would be willing to guess that, based on the amount of soul-searching Ardea has done prior to coming to this decision, she is less rather than more likely to exercise the necessary cautions.

 

Ack! I said this backwards. I meant to say that Ardea would be more rather than less likely to take precautions.

 

And it's too damn late to blame this on a lack of coffee. Drat!

[jester]

Then what is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage if not infidility?

 

 

Oh, I don't know, how about murder, incest, child abuse, spousal abuse and rape.

[cdn]

Then what is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage if not infidility?

 

Well, to some extent, this is subjective. But here are just a few things I have witnessed kill a marriage:

 

Death of a child, particularly when one parent is assumed to be responsible (rightly or wrongly)

 

Physical abuse - to the spouse or to the child

 

Emotional abuse

 

Incest - whether with a "natural" child or step-child

 

Alcoholism or drug abuse

 

Theft/fraud

 

Murder

[midori]

Originally posted by cdn

LoveShack as a Support System I really think that once you've given your advice and been told politely, "thanks but no thanks," it's time to leave the poster alone. There is a world of difference between offering advice -- even unpopular advice -- and badgering members whose views don't mesh with your own. If you are interested in debating an issue, use an appropriate forum and keep personalities out of it. It is a rare individual whose views will be swayed as a result of being bullied, belittled and preached to.

 

I couldn't agree more with this. To do otherwise is presumptuous, arrogant, and ultimately futile.

[Errol]

Originally posted by jester

Oh, I don't know, how about murder, incest, child abuse, spousal abuse and rape.

 

Those are all aspects of infidelity. In a marriage the couple pledges fidelity to each other. They make a promise for better or for worse. They vow not to have physical or emotional relations with anyone but each other. They promise to respect (honor) each each other and that implies no physical violence. Infidelity is the breaking of promises and the disolution of trust.

 

A strong marriage may recover from infidelity -- but it will be a different marriage. Most do no survive it.

 

I cannot think of any justification for infidelity including having an abusive spouse or one that is so disabled that they need to be cared for. There are always alternatives and choices that can be made. Ardea does not want to see this or she is incapable of seeing this. She's here looking for people to tell her that in her particular circumstane it is okay to have sex with someone other than her husband. That's all she wants and she knows that if she asks long enough she will find someone to tell her its okay. If she ever does feel some guilt over her decision or some negative or hurtful repurcussions happen down the road she can be comforted by the fact that others said it was okay to cheat therefore she didn't really do anything wrong. Some people can live that way.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by jester

Oh, I don't know, how about murder, incest, child abuse, spousal abuse and rape.

 

 

Those are all crimes that one can go to jail for. Topic of conversation is infidelty, which is not against the law.

 

 

I was looking at it from the point of what is the worst thing a couple can do to each other to potentially end their marriage.

 

 

Murder in a marriage...well there is no potential just an end to the marriage. Spouse is dead.

 

Incest- this has no potential to end the marriage it will just end and one spouse goes to jail.

 

Child abuse-again someone goes to jail. Marriage over.

 

Spousal abuse and rape "could" probably be on par with Infidelity. Only saying this because some spouses will put up with it, either out of a warped sense of love or fear of their spouse.

 

Love is too blind sometimes.

[cdn]

You are assuming that all crimes are punished, or even noticed. Sadly, justice is not automatic, especially in cases of "domestic" affairs. Much of what happens in a marriage or family is never revealed to anyone outside it, and oftentimes those within are too scared to do anything about it or too sick to even recognize that it is abnormal.

[mintjulep]

People don't always go to jail for those things - that's when they become real problems, because the "other" spouse won't acknowledge that there is a problem. These are worse then infidelity, they happen to marriages everywhere, and they don't always go reported.

 

Originally posted by Bronzepen

Those are all crimes that one can go to jail for. Topic of conversation is infidelty, which is not against the law.

 

 

I was looking at it from the point of what is the worst thing a couple can do to each other to potentially end their marriage.

 

 

Murder in a marriage...well there is no potential just an end to the marriage. Spouse is dead.

 

Incest- this has no potential to end the marriage it will just end and one spouse goes to jail.

 

Child abuse-again someone goes to jail. Marriage over.

 

Spousal abuse and rape "could" probably be on par with Infidelity. Only saying this because some spouses will put up with it, either out of a warped sense of love or fear of their spouse.

 

Love is too blind sometimes.

 

Sadly, justice is not automatic, especially in cases of "domestic" affairs.

Law inforcement hates getting involved in domestic affairs. They're often the most violent calls, and the hardest to handle.

[Bronzepen]

I agree. Most domestic crimes go unnoticed and some marriages to keep it to themselves in their own warped sense of reality or just out of fear.

 

I think I said that when I spoke about spousel abuse and rape. But the same can be applied to the other crimes mentioned.

[UCFKevin]

And the question STILL remains.

 

Why are you staying with him?!? Why stay married? Why why why?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Why are you staying with him?!?

Here's my honest answer, so I can continue to sow disgust and alienation among all you good people:

* Inertia.

* Keeping the kids safe and happy.

* Financial consequences.

* Fear of the unknown/frying pan into fire situation

* Don't want to hurt husband, who is so fragile now.

 

Although we've never brought up the question point blank, he has said things that indicated he would not find an affair to be the worst thing that could happen to our marriage, or an automatic dealbreaker.

 

Jester brought up a point that nobody else has mentioned...why do so many of you assume that a divorce is a better solution than a fling? I feel a fling will have real restorative value for me, and reduce my anger level. I'm sure many of you know that some (most/all?) ladies need regular 'service' to keep our tempers at their sweetest. I'm one of them.

 

And I know my husband does not want a divorce. To him, that would be the worst. Is he wrong?

[UCFKevin]

Sometimes you can't worry about the other person. You gotta worry about yourself.

 

My parents got divorced when I was 10. I would MUCH rather than be apart and happy than be together and unhappy.

 

Your kids can tell. I know they can. Kids are smart. THEY KNOW you're not happy. Think about how they'd feel if they found out you had an affair? It'll hurt them at first, getting divorced, but they'll get past it.

 

As for inertia and fear of the unknown...time to grow up, darlin.

[lostforwords]

My God..... Ardea does not nor should she explain to ANYONE except answer to herself or her husband given the nature of her business..... Perhaps WHY she chooses to stay in her marriage is far too imaginable for some of you. ..... People, realize she did not come here for ridicule... hence why she chose to announce her decision on here and not anyone in her person.... it does not say anywhere in LS come one come all for ridiculing...... this is suppossed to be a SUPPORT forum. Now lets say we all cut the BS flying around here thats being viciously flung. Its not about murder, incest, rape, or abuse in all forms.... its about someone coming forward with a decision she has made.... and obviously not one made too lightly.

[metal_chik]

Well, for what it's worth, here's my 2 cents. Now I haven't been following all of your threads so I first wonder why your husband "flips" out when you try to talk with him. Next I wonder why you stay in a marriage that seems to make you miserable or at best, very unhappy. I also wonder(not saying that you do or do not)about your concern for your husbands feelings. If he found out about the affair(s), would this not hurt him? I personally hate almost nothing more than being cheated on and I know that I would much rather have someone tell me it was over. It would hurt me way more, when I asked why(assuming most people would)and my spouse told me it was because we couldn't communicate and she felt she had no other out. Don't take this as trying to sound condescending or anything, just one more opinion for you to consider...... and since you do seem to be set on gettin' some, do enjoy!

[mintjulep]

I don't think anyone has ridiculed Ardea. There are sometimes one or two more "insensitive" posts, but everyone was trying to help, including the people who think that she is making the wrong decision, and the ones who think she is making the right one. Everyone here is supporting her, and save maybe one or two cases, no one has gotten mean, they're just trying to make their point - sometimes using shock tactics.

 

Hate to play devil's advocate, but I stopped seeing good advice a while back. The obvious posters are being helpful, and oddly enough, they're the ones refraining from having a very strong opinion on this matter, unless they're speaking from experience and not speculation. I hate to add deadwood to this post, but I thought it needed to be pointed out that all this bickering is no longer helping Ardea.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by ArdeaCandidissima

Why are you staying with him?!?

Here's my honest answer, so I can continue to sow disgust and alienation among all you good people:

* Inertia.

* Keeping the kids safe and happy.

* Financial consequences.

* Fear of the unknown/frying pan into fire situation

* Don't want to hurt husband, who is so fragile now.

 

To be honest, these are not good reasons to stay with your husband. Kids will deal with the divorce. Alimony will take care of the finances. Having an affair is also an unknown/frying pan into fire situation. You will hurt him, eventually you will divorce.

 

Although we've never brought up the question point blank, he has said things that indicated he would not find an affair to be the worst thing that could happen to our marriage, or an automatic dealbreaker.

 

Taking a shot at this one. Sounds to me like he is testing you. Hoping you would say that you would never do that to him.

 

Jester brought up a point that nobody else has mentioned...why do so many of you assume that a divorce is a better solution than a fling? I feel a fling will have real restorative value for me, and reduce my anger level. I'm sure many of you know that some (most/all?) ladies need regular 'service' to keep our tempers at their sweetest. I'm one of them.

 

I answered that question already(see my post). A fling is not a solution it's just that, a fling.

 

And I know my husband does not want a divorce. To him, that would be the worst. Is he wrong?

 

 

Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. He has issues that he is dealing with now and couldn't possibly handle a divorce now. Just guessing. Next to your husband you probably know the answer to that more then anyone else.

[lostforwords]

cdn addressed this already in post 52. and very well stated i might add.

[metal_chik]

With all things involved(now imma lil more clued in), since you really think that would be UR best solution...have at it girl! But like someone pointed out, for the kids sake(not saying that wont, just stressing the point being one of those kids)definitely do ur best to keep it discreet.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think if your husband has absolutely agreed to and accepted this resolution, than by all means you should proceed. That would mean you are in a solid partnership and are working together to find a solution that is mutually satisfying.

 

But if not, I'm worried that we are all about to witness a train wreck. And if I can't yank you off of that track, then I for one can't bring myself to watch...or stand by and sadistically cheer you on while you self-destruct.

 

Ambivalence has never been my strong point, I admit. But I do recognize when its time to let go...even if its someone you genuinely care about.

 

Where ever life takes you Ardea, I hope above all that you will finally find the happiness and peace of mind you so desperately seek...

[moimeme]

Don't want to hurt husband, who is so fragile now.

 

This, surely, must be the most ironic of all reasons. I don't know a single human who would not be hurt by being betrayed by a spouse. A man in the throes of depression, I would think, would be that much more susceptible.

Ask the people who continue to cheer you their opinions of how spouses feel when they are betrayed.

 

Although we've never brought up the question point blank, he has said things that indicated he would not find an affair to be the worst thing that could happen to our marriage, or an automatic dealbreaker.

 

Unless you have discussed affairs specifically, rather than having inferring (possibly wrongly) from things which were 'indicated', you can't be sure of this. Most married people have discussed, at least in theory, how much impact they feel an affair would have on the marriage. Have you never done this? If not, I suggest you do so. There are a million avenues for starting the conversation - a tv show, movie, news story about someone divorcing due to infidelity could start off the discussion.

 

I'm sure many of you know that some (most/all?) ladies need regular 'service' to keep our tempers at their sweetest. I'm one of them.

 

That's on a par with men saying they are biologically programmed to cheat. Orgasms are available without a 'service agent'.

 

Here's my honest answer, so I can continue to sow disgust and alienation among all you good people:

* Inertia.

 

"I can't be bothered"

 

* Keeping the kids safe and happy.

I assure you, kids will not be happy or safe if their dad offs himself or if he finds out and is even more miserable. Kids generally don't enjoy living in a miserable marriage.

* Financial consequences.

 

Ah. 'Nuff said.

 

* Fear of the unknown/frying pan into fire situation

 

One needs to expect to deal with the consequences of one's actions. I would hope that everyone would agree with that. Remember, Ardea, that all of these consequences may well come to pass anyway. If you are going to make a decision to have an affair, I believe you should do so having fully planned what you will do if/when the affair is discovered.

[jester]

Jester brought up a point that nobody else has mentioned...why do so many of you assume that a divorce is a better solution than a fling?

 

 

For some, Ardea, fidelity is more important than marriage. Better a divorce than a sexual fling. For some, fidelity becomes an end in itself as opposed to just one of a number of a well recognized means to maintain a marriage.

 

Some believe that the preservation of a marriage (especially with children involved) should be the primary goal to which other things are subordinated--even fidelity.

 

You , Ardea, would rather preserve your family than your virtue.

 

You believe you must cheat to save your marriage (and family).

 

 

And from what I know of your extreme circumstances, I agree.

[UCFKevin]

Lost, gimme a break. So no one is allowed to say, "This is a bad idea, you're going to make things worse"? We're all supposed to say, "Hey, good idea! Good for you! Yeah!"?

 

Sometimes being supportive is telling someone that something they're about to do is a very bad idea.

 

Regardless. I guess I'm done with this topic because I'm not being supportive or useful.