/I'm about to have an extramarital affair. Just meeting my needs./

[Benedict]

I have been cheated on by my wife, so I have a little to offer. You'd think it was "don't do it!", but read on...

 

My friend is in a marriage where the wife was injured by a doctor (whole 'nother story, that...). It is a spinal injury. Lots of chronic pain, out of work, and... no sex. The injury left her without sensation of any sort in "that" area. Been that way for two years now. She told him if he had to get it, go ahead. She just didn't want to know anything about it at all. I know he has not done it yet, and probably won't if and when he does, but this may be what happens. She knows that if she wants to keep him, that this may be the only way.

 

Just a different twist. And the point is, who are we to judge? Ardea, you are more qualified to judge you then me.

 

And Moimeme... do you really think that going without for years is OK? Sure people do it, but... And is solo-sex as good as the real thing, as you suggested earlier? If you really think so, you might be missing out on some real sex...

[amerikajin]

That's different, Benedict. The situation you describe is one in which the potential drifter has received permission from the spouse; Ardea has not. Entirely different situation.

 

Not throwing stones, just pointing out that this isn't a good comparison, IMO.

[moimeme]

And Moimeme... do you really think that going without for years is OK?

 

Depends what you mean by 'without'. If you mean 'without contact with somebody else's skin', well, ideally one wouldn't have to go without for years, but life is seldom ideal so one manages the best one can.

 

Sure people do it, but... And is solo-sex as good as the real thing, as you suggested earlier? If you really think so, you might be missing out on some real sex...

 

Once you've had gourmet treats, it can be very difficult to make do with regular fare. In order of preference for me is sex + love, solo sex, and sex - love. Sex - love leaves me unfulfilled and longing and, ultimately, feeling much worse than no sex at all. But that's just me. I gather other people are much more able to have 'recreational sex' than am I. Which is fine by me; it just does not work for me at all. But this thread isn't about me.

[Benedict]

But this thread isn't about me.

 

You've posted more times on this thread than anyone else...

 

 

People go way longer than 3 years and manage just fine.

 

You absolutely do not need another human to have a perfectly wonderful orgasm.

Say, more like perfectly mediocre... Just my $.02

[moimeme]

Say, more like perfectly mediocre... Just my $.02

 

Maybe for you....

[Benedict]

Compared to the ones I get with the absolute babe-atolla that I was lucky enough to marry? You bet your life.

 

Sorry it ain't different for you. Hubby know you think that?

[moimeme]

Honey, if I had a hubby it wouldn't be an issue!

[animo]

Well i think its worth noting that one of the unspoken vows of marriage is to make love to eachother (to be productive). If this vow is broken its asmuch infidility as anything else. This is however based on religion. I know this for a fact in a christian marriage.

 

Personally i dont feel that a person should be starved for sex their whole lives just because their spouse no longer feels 'comfortable' with having sex. Its worth noting that the person who no longer has a sexdrive has the problem and that 'that' person should seek help and try his best to improve upon the situation. Not the other way around. If absolutly no solution arrises to the problem and the person lacking the will to have sex does not feel like he/she should try and find a solution to this then i dont see it as unjust to look for sex outside your marriage.

 

My wife tells me this every time., 'im not the one with the problem, im not the one who needs sex'. Well i'm sorry but i fail to agree. I think that an affair based on sex, in a marriage where there is no more sex is justifyable. If this leads to a devorce then i think your spouse is being selfish. You need something, your spouse refuses to give it to you so he/she can be perfectly comfortable him/herself. Its only rational that you will go and get it somewhere else. I don't even consider it cheating, its dealing with the situation because your spouse is not willing to deal with it him/herself.

 

Now i'm not saying that there are no exceptions. Sometimes physical afflictions are in the way and cannot be 'fixed' by medical science. In this case your spouse simply does not or no longer have the means to give you what you need. This is entirely different from a case where your spouse is simple not willing to give you what you need for the sake of their own comfort.

 

If things are really this bad then you should just tell your husband that you want sex and if he doesn't want to give it to you or atleast try and work the problem then you will look for it somewhere else. For better or woste doesn't mean that 'worste' should always be in your lap.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by animo

lf. Its only rational that you will go and get it somewhere else. I don't even consider it cheating, its dealing with the situation because your spouse is not willing to deal with it him/herself.

 

Now i'm not saying that there are no exceptions. Sometimes physical afflictions are in the way and cannot be 'fixed' by medical science. In this case your spouse simply does not or no longer have the means to give you what you need. This is entirely different from a case where your spouse is simple not willing to give you what you need for the sake of their own comfort.

 

So you support sexual release outside a marriage if it's in vindication for her actions, but not if she can't help it?

[moimeme]

Oh, now there's a lovely rationale for you!

 

For better or woste doesn't mean that 'worste' should always be in your lap.

 

But what if it is? What if your spouse becomes critically ill or paralyzed? What, exactly, did you think 'for better or worse' meant???? Should you maybe have put conditions on it like 'for better but if I don't like what's going on, then I'll forget the vows entirely"?

[animo]

Not sure if i would put it that way exactly but, yes i do.

 

If a person is honest enough to tell his/her spouse about plans of having a sex based relationship outside of their marriage then the spouse should be atleast 'waking up' and try to work the problem. If even this doesn not wake your spouse up then i don't see that anything ever will and in that case its pretty clear that your sexlife with your spouse is lost forever. This does not mean you can never have a sexlife again. If your spouse really cares then he/she will atleast 'try' to work the problem no?

[moimeme]

Depends on the spouse's circumstance. The guy in this thread is clinically depressed. Some people end up in a state where they can't help themselves; often this is when they most need partners who stick by them. IF your non-sexual spouse discussed it with you and agreed to let you find some jollies elsewhere, fine I suppose, but there would always be the likelihood of emotional attachment and the end of the marriage.

[animo]

Originally posted by moimeme

Oh, now there's a lovely rationale for you!

 

For better or woste doesn't mean that 'worste' should always be in your lap.

 

But what if it is? What if your spouse becomes critically ill or paralyzed? What, exactly, did you think 'for better or worse' meant???? Should you maybe have put conditions on it like 'for better but if I don't like what's going on, then I'll forget the vows entirely"?

 

No thats not what i said so don't try and make it into that please.

 

I did mention there is a difference when situation that medical science has no answer for arrise. If your wife has had a baby you can't expect her to want to have sex after that right away

 

I'm talking about people who deny their partner sex because they simply dont feel like it, dont feel like working the problem and generally just dont care if their partner is starving sexually or not. There is a difference!

 

Originally posted by moimeme The guy in this thread is clinically depressed.

 

Ok well this complicates things alot. But i suppose if the answer was simple then there wouldn't have been such a long thread about this! On the other hand however, i dont see how a sexually frustrated partner would help him. I can see that its not easy to talk to a person who is a constant state of depression, especially when your going to tell him that your thinking about having a sex affair. But to be honest, being sexually frustrated does not exactly make you a perfect lifepartner. I know that when i'm sexually frustrating i get stressed and...well...frustrated. This makes things worst and my marriage more grimm. I know that its hard to talk to your spouse about their problems in an effective manner when your frustraded yourself. To some people being deprived of sex is alot like starving from hunger, i know this because i am one of them and it doesn't make things easyer on your marriage.

[moimeme]

If your marriage was that unsatisfying, why not divorce?

[animo]

Originally posted by moimeme

If your marriage was that unsatisfying, why not divorce?

 

Because...in my personal case (which is not what i was using as an example) things are not this bad. I used to think my spouse was unwilling to resolve the situation in any way. This was before i actually took the time and whent that extra mile. My spouse is willing to work the problem and talk about it (albeit with alot of effort, but the will is there).

 

so to answer your question...

 

My personal marriage is not that unsatifying and after having figured that out i realize its sertainly not worth getting a devorce over and ruining the rather happy life we can have together. It wont be perfect but nothing ever is when dealing with human beings!

[TineeTam]

Wasn't there someone else that posted about her husband not being able to have sex because of a disability and she stuck with him and hasn't had sex in years? Her marriage dynamic was different from this poster, even though they have this one thing in common. Change a dynamic in the marriage and the decisions may be different.

 

Does it matter what anyone tells the original poster? We only know what we are told here and I'm sure that there is a LOT more to it that may be unexplainable in writing. Its all in the individuals decision and no two people and no two couples are alike.

 

If you are going to have an affair then be safe about it and be prepared for emotional consequences down the line.

[animo]

TineeTam: i agree, i dont there is anything anyone can tell the threadposter that will provide an answer to the problem. All anyone can really do is give examples of experiences they have had and guess its the same situation. If it really is noone really knows. As moimeme pointed out my reply was completely beside the issue so its quite frankly no help at all.

[Benedict]

I think there are good points all over here. I think it is also worth noting that the thread originator Ardea has not posted here in 8 days...

 

"Honey, if I had a hubby it wouldn't be an issue!" - Moimeme

 

That was great, Moi - my first good laugh of the morning. You know I'm just twisting your tailfeathers, right?

 

If your marriage was that unsatisfying, why not divorce?

 

That one is a little more sobering, though, Moi... I think that is why so many of them crumble. If someone asked me if my marriage was satisfying, I would say yes. Today. Maybe tomorrow I would feel differently. Certainly, during our 'reconstruction" it was most unsatisfying. But I - and we - stuck it out. I knew it would change. Well, hoped... Even now, on an "unsatisfying day", I just try to be constructive in other ways (like doing stuff from the neverending home improvement list, or something like that). I know tomorrow will be different.

 

For what it's worth, my wife claims that her affair gave her a pressure relief valve which made it possible for her to stay in the marriage. She was pretty emotionally involved with the guy, but since I had known him for a while, I knew I was a lot of things that he wasn't - good things. There were, unfortunately, two things I was not: a) exciting 'cause I was taboo, and b) new. It ran it's course, and ended - almost certainly well before I figured it out. Now, I don't think it "saved" my marriage, and I do not feel like shaking his hand and thanking him - quite the contrary... But she feels like it enabled her to stay in there at a time when she really wanted to walk. Not my first choice of methods to solve problems, but if she says it's true for her, I cannot disagree.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Much of the focus has been on the husband's lack of sexual interest due to his depression. While this may be part of the problem, let's not forget that our original poster has mentioned on numerous occasions that she finds her husband physically repulsive.

 

So the question remains, even if he were to get proper treatment to increase his sex drive, would the wife even be interested in having sex with her husband again?

[animo]

i think that a major factor in any depression is the fact that you loose all self esteem and self respect. How can you care about how you look if you have no self esteem? Maybe if her husband could find a better way to handle his affliction he could regain his self esteem and start caring about his looks again and hence become physically 'unrepulsive'.

 

Personally i dont believe in physical beauty. Might sound strange but i think everyone can be charming and attracktive aslong as you have self respect and take care of your body (hygiene, healthcare ect).

 

Ardea fell in love with her husband at one point right? So he must have been less then repulsive at that point.

 

Depression is something that is very hard to live with. The only solution is to just get up and go on, treat yourself good. I don't know the person or the facts but to me it sounds like maybe the husband is letting himself 'slide' a bit to much.

[Benedict]

Unrepulsive is at the top of my list for features that I look for in a potential mate!!

 

Sorry, had to point that out. But, I think Enigma has an excellent point.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

I haven't been posting, because I didn't want to be the one who turned this into a monster, unending thread. But I do read every post and think about them. I know that no-one has the perfect answer, but just seeing various perspectives is incredibly helpful. You know how it is when you have a problem...you know you're going to be thinking about it constantly anyway, so you may as well have lots of fresh material to chew on.

 

I did love my husband at one point, and used to think he was quite darling. That was back when he smiled, and made me laugh, and was not so obese. I do see that he could be lovable again. On the positive side, he has changed medications and it seems to be helping both his mood and his skin condition a bit.

 

On the issue of differing sex drives in marriage...I agree totally with the poster who said that it should be seen as a joint problem. Just like any other difference that creates tension in a marriage, be it household chores, loud music or spending money. It is NOT just the problem of the undersatisfied spouse. Please check out The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner-Davis, where the author makes exactly that point.

 

Depression is something that is very hard to live with.

Yes. I have had both personal depresssion, and I am now living with a depressed spouse. It's hard and painful both ways.

[meanon]

Wise words, Ardea. I'm glad to hear things are a little better.

[passionstarved66]

ardea,

 

I am male and in a similar boat as yourself. (See my thread 1/30). I have not gone without for 3 years, but from a male perspective it certainly feels like 3 years. I can understand your frustration and know how it feels to have your spouse get "all crazy" with you when you try to talk to them about the problems over intimacy and lack of passion and sex in the relationship. I too have thought about cheating on my wife and I have suspicions that she has had the same thoughts or has had or is having an affair. If she is I wouldn't think it would be for the sex, but for some emotional reasons. I try to give her the best sexual experiences, but she is, for the most part, unresponsive most of the time. Her excuse is stress and kids and vaginal pain, but sometimes I have to wonder. I have issues that give me reason to think she's not on the level with me, which is why I'm having thoughts of cheating in order to get my needs met. I love her dearly and want to work things out, but I feel like it's all one-sided.

 

Anyhow, your situation sounds like it's more severe. Do you still love him? Why are you hanging in there? Doesn't he want to get help for himself? Are you two in counceling?

 

As for me, I'm not going to make any decision to cheat on my wife until she returns from overseas (she's currently deployed in the Iraq war theater) in March. Until then, I'll just have to vent my feelings and frustrations on this board and to freinds that I know will keep things discreet. I want to give my wife the benefit of the doubt that she's not cheating, but like I said, I have major issues (that may turn out to be empty and without merit), but we'll see.

 

 

As for you, I agree with other posters that you should do some serious thinking about whether you still love your husband and if your beyond repair in the relationship. If you don't love him anymore and are willing to cheat without guilt, then you should just simply divorce him and do you both a big favor.

[moimeme]

That was great, Moi - my first good laugh of the morning. You know I'm just twisting your tailfeathers, right?