It's done. I got 99 problems...

[mikeymad]

I came to this site a scared and lonely man. My wife had just separated from me and I was looking for answers. It's unfortunate, but I found the answers to my problems didn't lie outside myself, but within. I faced the beast today. I sat in a room as her and her lawyer toasted me , slung accusations, made insinutaions, and condemnations. My lawyer could do little to combat the tyranny and hiporcracy that was spewed forth unequivocally. As of 4:50 pm on Tuesday, April 20, 2010....I am officially divorced, and my wife is now known by her maiden name. It's a sad day in history, one that shall go down in my mind as one to never be overturned. The pain and relief are in a constant battle, as I know I should feel good, but I feel like **** at the prospect of a failed marriage. I am damaged goods at 27. Most reject me on my marital status alone, and I feel I am doomed to a life of solitude from here on out.

 

Unfortunatlely I had prepared myself for this day, and had put on my emotional armour. Had prepared myself for what would be said, what lies would be propogated.

 

In the end I came out "on top". But yet I don't feel so. She looked at me with hatred, contempt, and worst of all lack of love. I know her heart feels little, and that spreads to her family, friends etc.

 

I kept my cool, a level head. Her comments of "I'm doing this because you are causing me a fortune" bounce off me, yet stick like a piece of velcro.

 

The fight is over. Nothing is left. Yet somehow I miss the fight...it was the only thing that connected me to her. She looked like crap in court, skin broken out and pale, gained weight, angry at the world that she didn't get "her way".

 

I am happy to have this over, but am sad that things ended up this way. Can't help but feel responsible for her unhappiness, but I know she decided to not work on "us". Just a shame, because I know what could've become of it.

 

Not that this is over by a long shot, but I guess apathy and self preservation kick in at some point.

Edited April 21, 2010 by mikeymad

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude, pick yourself up and listen. You are 27 years old. and your divorced, yes you may see this as negative, You might have had your whole life planned out together. but from the look of it. Your wife had serious issues. and believe me you may not realize it, but your gonna be better than before.

 

Heartbreak always hurts at first but then you realize that you are your own person, so grieve and realize it's not the end of the earth. it's a new begining for you.

 

Your only 27, you can make some new money, live your life to the fullest, find new friends, and sleep with whoever you want.

 

But also now you have the chance to find someone new who isnt gonna do you dirty.

 

Did you ever find out if your wife had an affair and why she hates you so much?

[Ella whispers]

You aren't damaged, the right one will see that.

Best of luck.

[JaneDoe35]

No way Mikey - I am 35 with a 9 year old daughter and I have been approached by many lovely men. I didn't think anyone existed besides my husband but I was so wrong. They have not shown any less interest once they find out that I will soon be divorced. And if some do, that is fine. If my past makes some of them uncomfortable....oh well, no big deal.

 

I am grieving the loss of my marriage and 'family' and I also feel 'damaged' but I can heal and you will to.

 

To be honest I wish all of this mess had of occured before I was 30!!

 

Thinking of you,

 

JD

[PWSX3]

The only thing all this means is you have a heart, you have taken the right road & that's to look at what you can do to improve yourself. It's going to take her a long time before she will hit bottom hard enough to realize what she did, but her day will come.

 

I was separated from my former wife for 8 months before the divorce was final, but even then it still hurt. Grieve all those feelings, the loss of the marriage, the loss of what you thought your marriage was going to be, etc. etc. & then start moving forward. It's hard but it will get easier.

[dgiirl]

I am damaged goods at 27. Most reject me on my marital status alone, and I feel I am doomed to a life of solitude from here on out.

 

Stop being so judgmental and give people more credit! You will find a LOT of people are more caring and compassionate than to judge you so. Sure, some people might judge you based on your past relationship, or the stigma of "divorced", but that simply means they are at a different stage in life, usually less mature, than you. I've only met a very small handful of men who judged me on my divorce, but I realized that we just saw life very differently and they were less open to people in general, so I definitely did not need those negative people in my life. But about 95% of the people I met since I got divorced have either not really cared about my past, at least never used that to judge me as a person, or had their own life experiences. As we get older, everyone will carry around past life experiences. Those who are closed minded and have set rules and expectations of their "future partner" is going to have a very hard time finding people. Anyone who judges you based on the stigma of "divorce" doesn't really care about you anyways. But give people credit before assuming the worse. The majority will not judge you.

 

Ps. I was 31 when I got divorced. So not too far from you right now.

Edited April 21, 2010 by dgiirl

[floridapad]

The only thing all this means is you have a heart, you have taken the right road & that's to look at what you can do to improve yourself. It's going to take her a long time before she will hit bottom hard enough to realize what she did, but her day will come.

 

I was separated from my former wife for 8 months before the divorce was final, but even then it still hurt. Grieve all those feelings, the loss of the marriage, the loss of what you thought your marriage was going to be, etc. etc. & then start moving forward. It's hard but it will get easier.

 

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[You Go Girl]

Mikey, I'm 46. And twice jaded now...should I just roll over and die?

 

Naw!

Life begins anew everyday I decide to cop an attitude. And that, is key.

Life doesn't dry up as you get older, but you build character, and have a few scars to prove it!

People become far more interesting as they age. Not sure if it's the wine in their blood or vinegar in their spit.

[Gunny376]

By the time that Abraham Lincoln became President he had failed as as businessman, a tradesman, a state senator, a lawyer, and as a United

States Senator. He was in his mid fifties (very old for the time) when elected as President of the United States.

 

Prior to the Civil War, U.S. Grant worked for his brother in law a a labor in a tannery (very hot, nasty and dirty job) and a complete failure and drunk. He to was in his fifties.

 

Thomas Edison in his seventies invented the modern light bulb after attempting over 1000 different filaments!

 

Henry Ford assembled some of the top meturaliral specialist and told them to cast him an eight cylinder engine? When they failed he fired them and hire more? When they failed? He fired them and hired more!

 

You life is not ending!

 

Its just beginning!

[mikeymad]

4days A.D. (after divorce)

 

I guess I have tried my best to not let the finality of this whole thing consume me. Went on another date, but it just feels like everyone is compared to my ex, and afterwards I start to get sad again. It's probably because of the certainty that the relationship gave and the significance I had in that.

 

But last night for some reason I wanted so badly to text her, but thank god I didn't. I had the message all composed, then I decided to hit delete and put on a movie. I think it was probably one of the few times I haven't given in to that temptation when the time has come. Why does my mind keep going back to her, and the "fix it" part of me thinking that maybe I'll call her in 6 months or a year or so when the dust has settled and we've had a chance to mold our own lives for a while. Why do I on one hand wish her the best, but on one hand hope she has that reality that she actually was the one who screwed up and suffers a bit, that her next relationship tanks for the same reasons she said ours failed? I wouldn't consider myself a vindictive person, but from both my and my lawyer's perspective, she was during this whole D process (side note: my lawyer was in family law for 25 years, and wrote books on the subject, and says my ex was one of the most difficult cases she has had... ) ) Sorry, crappy rainy weather today, one where we would usually hang around on the couch, watching movies. Hope everyone is having a good day.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can understand the fear of being rejected because of your status.

 

I am 27 as well and have tried for over a year to save a marriage that seems pretty dead-end. A big part of that reason is that I cannot see myself divorced and a single mom. As well, I really don't want to hurt my daughter who is really attached to her dad.

 

I know that if it was just me there is a good chance that I would have left by now. I was one of the girls that would not have dated a divorced man because when I was single would have thought of it as "too much baggage." Would I date a divorced man if my husand died in a car crash tomorrow? Maybe but I would have to know that he didn't just throw away his wife because he "just wasn't happy anymore" and that he did try everything to save his relationship. IMO that guy is worth more in character then the single guy with no "baggage."

[You Go Girl]

Mike, it doesn't matter if she screwed up. She wanted out and got out. Hoping that other people will 'see the light', rationalize and come to the same conclusions in life as you do, is setting yourself up for a path of disappointment in any situation with anyone who doesn't agree with your views.

You have to own your views in life as your own and nobody else's will match them exactly.

You have to accept that others will do according to their views.

You gave it your best shot. You fought for it to the end.

Now you have to let go.

Will you ever have a decent relationship with her again, even on friend's speaking terms?

Who knows, so plan on it not being so. Think of her as a long lost childhood friend that you don't remember their last name--you may run into them and reconnect or that may never happen.

But you still have the memories of being friends when a child, and they are good memories.

Meanwhile, your life goes on and you may never see that childhood friend again.

You'd like to see them again, but you accept that you may never, and life goes on. Plus who knows what you would share when reconnecting. It could be good for only an hour's chat about your childhood, and then, too much has changed since then.

You don't feel loss.

You just know that times have changed, and those days are long past.

 

I hope you have a good day. Mine started out rather down, but I dug myself out of the dirt and danger zone. How? By just accepting that everyone has their own less than perfect agenda, including me.

[cherubim]

mikemad. Go to my page and send me an email. I wanna tak to you.

[mikeymad]

can't. you don't have enough posts yet to pm.

[tojaz]

4days A.D. (after divorce)

 

I guess I have tried my best to not let the finality of this whole thing consume me. Went on another date, but it just feels like everyone is compared to my ex, and afterwards I start to get sad again. It's probably because of the certainty that the relationship gave and the significance I had in that.

 

But last night for some reason I wanted so badly to text her, but thank god I didn't. I had the message all composed, then I decided to hit delete and put on a movie. I think it was probably one of the few times I haven't given in to that temptation when the time has come. Why does my mind keep going back to her, and the "fix it" part of me thinking that maybe I'll call her in 6 months or a year or so when the dust has settled and we've had a chance to mold our own lives for a while. Why do I on one hand wish her the best, but on one hand hope she has that reality that she actually was the one who screwed up and suffers a bit, that her next relationship tanks for the same reasons she said ours failed? I wouldn't consider myself a vindictive person, but from both my and my lawyer's perspective, she was during this whole D process (side note: my lawyer was in family law for 25 years, and wrote books on the subject, and says my ex was one of the most difficult cases she has had... ) ) Sorry, crappy rainy weather today, one where we would usually hang around on the couch, watching movies. Hope everyone is having a good day.

 

Mikey, the fact that the papers are signed doesn't change anything about how you feel about her. Just as a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper on the emotional side, so is a divorce decree.

 

Mine was done in August and I still have the thoughts your having. Maybe if enough time passes, maybe a little time alone etc. The fact is those are valid thoughts. You dont know what may happen a month or a year from now any more then she does. You cant live on that hope though. Time will tell. Like I've said to you many times before. It shows that you really loved her and were in it for the long haul. Be proud of that man and remember that its up to her to see the light. Your holding up your end. You may even find that if that day comes, that you cant accept her back! Seems impossible now, but its very possible. Time to figure out whats best for you in a life that doesn't include her.

 

TOJAZ

[Art_Critic]

There is life after Divorce...

 

You aren't used or broken goods.. just divorced, so you have a past.. We all do..

 

You don't have to be defined by your divorce.. be defined by the guy you really are..

The future women in your life will see the real guy...

[Gunny376]

Your freaking 27!

 

Take a couple of road trips to your local university towns and cities, get out and about, dance, throw your hands up like you just don't care.

 

Dude your in the prime of your life!

 

Quit being so damn selfish! Co-ed's need loving to!

[LisaUk]

I can understand the fear of being rejected because of your status.

 

I am 27 as well and have tried for over a year to save a marriage that seems pretty dead-end. A big part of that reason is that I cannot see myself divorced and a single mom. As well, I really don't want to hurt my daughter who is really attached to her dad.

 

I know that if it was just me there is a good chance that I would have left by now. I was one of the girls that would not have dated a divorced man because when I was single would have thought of it as "too much baggage." Would I date a divorced man if my husand died in a car crash tomorrow? Maybe but I would have to know that he didn't just throw away his wife because he "just wasn't happy anymore" and that he did try everything to save his relationship. IMO that guy is worth more in character then the single guy with no "baggage."

 

Dreaming of Tigers, you are wise beyond your years, Mikey you can stand proud and tall when you do meet someone who will see you for who you are - someone that values marriage.

[tojaz]

I was one of the girls that would not have dated a divorced man because when I was single would have thought of it as "too much baggage." Would I date a divorced man if my husand died in a car crash tomorrow? Maybe but I would have to know that he didn't just throw away his wife because he "just wasn't happy anymore" and that he did try everything to save his relationship. IMO that guy is worth more in character then the single guy with no "baggage."

 

Thank you for that Dreaming of Tigers. Theres a lot of guys here that need to hear that. I know I did.

 

TOJAZ

[mikeymad]

7 days A.D.

 

Tojaz

 

I think I remember a while back when you first started "getting out there", when you would face rejection it would send you back to the state you were in facing rejection from your M. That is where I am right now. I've put myself out there, and it's been both exiciting and awkward. I think over the course of time this past year I have become very analytical (and probably hypersensitive) to interpersonal dynamics. I probably extrapolate minor things and take it personally.

 

I know I'm not completely over her, not by a long shot, but maybe I'm starting this getting out there too early, because trying to connect and getting snuffed is a lot harder than shutting myself off and not risking it in the first place.

 

Yes. I know I'm 27. I appreciate the "you're young" comments. But I am in a..."unique" position. The people my age and slightly younger (I'm not much for younger women) see it as a stigma. The more mature women, who would probably be my age and over 30 apparently erect this invisible barrier where anyone in their "20's" is too young. I would love to be in a place where people see what I (and many of us) have gone through to learn and grow. Unfortunately, the only people who really see that are the ones who have been through it.

[scatterd]

I am on my third marriage I was mentally and physically beat up twice the divorces was painful its normal to compare and hurt but it does go away between my second divorce I hurt but it ended up I had more fun in those

seven years then I had for years.I worked took care of kids and had fun with friends and family.I found myself again.I had a date here and there but I took my time until someone came along and I fell in love again.I have been married about 17 years now.I think my other marriages I was to young as they were.Enjoy this time have fun with friends and you will love again laugh again.After my divorces I missed the little things the Silent times together the barbeque's and the playing games.But I have learned allot and still am.Life still goes on after devoice just give it time and you will be fine you will grow and find so much more about your self.Good Luck hang in there and try to stay busy it helps.Big Hugs.you will find love again.

[mikeymad]

I'm back. Update. Got a certified letter today at the office. Great, either from her lawyer or her. Open it, inside is a letter, very cold sterile saying here are the pictures you asked for, but instead of thousands that she took of us and our adventures, only roughly 400. Ones of us? Can count on 2 hands. Hidden not-so inconspiculously in the pile is an excel spreadsheets, where she has calculated, from the day we got engaged, how much she has spent on her house, bills etc, and even though I didn't live there was apparently supposed to pay on a student budget, and when I was starting a business.

 

I didn't know love came attatched with a dollar sign.

 

And in the end, to twist the knife, she inserted these comments on the bottom.

"Isn't life grand...if only someone paid MY way. It was in no way my job to pay any of this, and worse off, I got "robbed" by a doctor." It's like even the final nail in the coffin for her has to be one that hurts like no other, to say she loathes me without the words "i hate you" being typed.

 

What I wish I could ask is that her percieved getting robbed must make it ok for a religious person who believes in the permanancy of marriage to cheat on and divorce a spouse.

 

I just needed to vent. It's hard when you feel a certain way towards someone and always wanted to work for the common good, but they treat you like you are no better than a common piece of trash, and their only objective at every interaction is to belittle you and make you feel horrible, which congratulations. She succeeded. And I feel worse because the longer I leave my heart open for love, the more it is open for heartbreak.

[tojaz]

7 days A.D.

 

Tojaz

 

I think I remember a while back when you first started "getting out there", when you would face rejection it would send you back to the state you were in facing rejection from your M. That is where I am right now. I've put myself out there, and it's been both exiciting and awkward. I think over the course of time this past year I have become very analytical (and probably hypersensitive) to interpersonal dynamics. I probably extrapolate minor things and take it personally.

 

I know I'm not completely over her, not by a long shot, but maybe I'm starting this getting out there too early, because trying to connect and getting snuffed is a lot harder than shutting myself off and not risking it in the first place.

 

Yes. I know I'm 27. I appreciate the "you're young" comments. But I am in a..."unique" position. The people my age and slightly younger (I'm not much for younger women) see it as a stigma. The more mature women, who would probably be my age and over 30 apparently erect this invisible barrier where anyone in their "20's" is too young. I would love to be in a place where people see what I (and many of us) have gone through to learn and grow. Unfortunately, the only people who really see that are the ones who have been through it.

 

Mikey, sorry I missed this one. I've been a little fried the last couple of weeks.

 

"Getting out there" is a relative term. To be honest I'm still not "out there" I've dipped my toe in the water so to speak. Spent some time getting to know some amazing women. The more I do though, the more I see that I have a little further to go. Here, even a year later, my mindset is that of a committed man. Thats to say that I'm still in love wit my wife. Problem is, that my wife is not even my wife anymore. The woman she is now isn't anything even close to what I would want for myself. A perfect catch 22!

 

It is a lot easier to just avoid the hurt all together. Even a good idea for awhile, gives you some time to work on yourself and learn what you need. If you hide from hurt forever though, then you'll never find what your looking for. Not saying that to rush you along or anything, it takes as long as it takes. Just be aware that staying in that comfort zone keeps you isolated.

 

I know what you mean about the stigma. I met a girl and we had talked at great length and got along famously...... until it came out that I was divorced! She said she couldn't be with someone that was already divorced at 31 and that was that. They're not all like that though Mikey. I have gotten to know some amazing women as well. While none of them have developed into a relationship, it gives me a lot of hope to know there are some good ones left. Even a couple I could truly picture myself with after the D. Gives me hope for the future.

 

I'm back. Update. Got a certified letter today at the office. Great, either from her lawyer or her. Open it, inside is a letter, very cold sterile saying here are the pictures you asked for, but instead of thousands that she took of us and our adventures, only roughly 400. Ones of us? Can count on 2 hands. Hidden not-so inconspiculously in the pile is an excel spreadsheets, where she has calculated, from the day we got engaged, how much she has spent on her house, bills etc, and even though I didn't live there was apparently supposed to pay on a student budget, and when I was starting a business.

 

I didn't know love came attatched with a dollar sign.

 

And in the end, to twist the knife, she inserted these comments on the bottom.

"Isn't life grand...if only someone paid MY way. It was in no way my job to pay any of this, and worse off, I got "robbed" by a doctor." It's like even the final nail in the coffin for her has to be one that hurts like no other, to say she loathes me without the words "i hate you" being typed.

 

What I wish I could ask is that her percieved getting robbed must make it ok for a religious person who believes in the permanancy of marriage to cheat on and divorce a spouse.

 

I just needed to vent. It's hard when you feel a certain way towards someone and always wanted to work for the common good, but they treat you like you are no better than a common piece of trash, and their only objective at every interaction is to belittle you and make you feel horrible, which congratulations. She succeeded. And I feel worse because the longer I leave my heart open for love, the more it is open for heartbreak.

 

Vent away mikey, Sadly theres nothing worse then to have the person we trusted most finding ways to hurt us. Stay strong bud.

 

TOJAZ

[tnttim]

Mikey when are you gonna stop letting this chick mess with your head. You are allowing her to continue to hurt you after the big D.

 

You have mastered not showing your feelings, which is great. Now you need to work on letting your emotions remain unchanged regardless of others feelings. That's the next big step.

[tojaz]

Mikey when are you gonna stop letting this chick mess with your head. You are allowing her to continue to hurt you after the big D.

 

You have mastered not showing your feelings, which is great. Now you need to work on letting your emotions remain unchanged regardless of others feelings. That's the next big step.

 

To each his own, but I have to disagree there. Taking others feelings into consideration is an admirable trait. Compassionate souls are becoming very rare in this world and without them LS and other places like it would not exist at all.

 

TOJAZ