It's done. I got 99 problems...

[hopesndreams]

I had a very vivid dream the other night in which we ran into each other, and she invited me over for dinner. Afterwards she said she was sorry and gave me a hug. At that instant I woke up, not quite sure of what was real or not. I swear I could smell her hair and feel her arms around me. I broke down when reality set in.

Is this normal to want to reconcile after all the hurt? I just feel so.....hollow and alone. Things and people and events have lost a certain luster. Life is that much more dull. Feelings of happiness are few and far between, and I feel like I've just been filling my time to keep my mind busy, because down time is the worst. I'm not sure I'll ever get over this.

 

I, too, still have vivid dreams. In most of the dreams, not all, he is leaving me and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. It's reliving those gut wrenching times and the worst part of it is that it carries over into my waking life and sadness will overtake me for most of the day. Other dreams, not so frequent, I know he's gone and is never coming back and I'm ok with it. Those kinds of dreams make for a very good day.

 

As for reconciling, I think it is normal to want to but you have to wonder, would you want to go back? The more time away, a year and a half now, for me, his list of faults are endless. He had it all. An unselfish, giving woman that adored him, just wasn't enough for him. It disgusts me to no end that he cheated on me with a married woman with a little boy and is now playing happy families with them.

 

When you think of her, don't put her in a positive light. Before you go to sleep for the night, clear all thoughts of her. I play a music box when my head hits the pillow and as soon as it starts playing, it tricks my mind into not allowing him in. It works, most of time.

 

I think feelings of happiness will come back to you once you truly let go and accept it's over and done with. It's a process. Not sure when the process ends though, if it ever does.

 

We're grieving, still, and we need to give ourselves time and really work on getting them out of our system. What other choice do we have? All the pain we are experiencing now is self-inflicted. That's not a a nice way to treat ourselves.

[2.50 a gallon]

I was in your shoes 30 years ago. I have long since moved on in life and have been living in a loving relationship for coming up on 15 years.

 

Nevertheless, last month I had a whole week of nightmares that nightly took me back to bad times in my life. One of which was a job that I hated, I had stuck it out for over a decade, as the pay was exceptional, but it was difficult as everybody in the shop hated the bosses, I have never worked with such idiots in my life.

 

Two of the dreams involved my XW. One had us getting back together, only to be disappointed again. The second one had me out shopping, when the XW, whom I haven't seen in over 30 years, recognized me with "Is that you?" and began embracing and kissing me. While I am trying to push her away and telling her to stop, my present GF comes upon us, gets the wrong idea, and breaks up with me on the spot.

[GorillaTheater]

Mikey, I'm more-or-less aware of your story, and everything you've wrote about her screams Bipolar Disorder (BPD) to me. You might want to research it a bit and see what you think.

 

The reason I suggest this is, if the X meets the criteria of BPD, that you'll gain insight as to why your marriage failed and why it probably could have never worked. Because there's a 99% chance you'll never get an honest answer from her, BPD or not. It might just give you a little closure (at least to the extent any of us can ever get closure) and insight.

[Art_Critic]

Not wanting to correct Gorilla Theater but I just wanted to make sure when the OP googles Bipolar he doesn't Google BPD...

 

BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder and while they have many similar traits they are also very different.. I think one of the things that is different is that the BPD is missing the manic episodes.

 

You will have to Google Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression rather than BPD..

 

Just an FYI....

[GorillaTheater]

My man Art is spot on, I appreciate the correction.

 

Hell, I'm an ambulance-chaser, not a shrink ...

[2.50 a gallon]

Why do you want to get back with her? She has already turned tail and run on you once. Why let her do it again?

 

Suppose you do win her love back. That is only half of the problem. How do you totally trust her again? The minute the new relationship hits a bump are you going to be that confident that she is going to stay and the two of you work through it. Her family is against you, so they will be a constant problem, instead of being somebody that the both of you can turn to.

 

With time you will get over it. The sooner you start the sooner you will get over it, so start today. Get selfish, begin concentrating on you, better grooming, other suggest working out, I suggest finding new interests, such as hobbies, or social activities such as dancing, beer making, cooking.

 

Me, I concentrated on being a better cook. It had several advantages, first and foremost I got a good meal out of it. The hour or so it took to cook up the meal, was an hour that I wasn't thinking of her. Also, I went back to dating, and it was a great plus to be able to offer a lady an excellent meal, followed up with some wine. You get the picture?

 

One of the ways to get your Ex thinking about you is to find someone new.

 

In my case I had several OM's trying to take her away from me, a couple of married male workers, my next door neighbor who was also married. Our break up was sudden like, I caught her kissing another man over her lunch hour and told her not to come home that night. I kicked her out.

A couple of days later she got the police to come by and help her pick up some of her things. A couple of days after that, the married next door neighbor, whom had been an assistant OM, threw a party, while his wife was out of town, for my XW and her new boyfriend just to rub it in my face.

 

A couple of weeks later, he again invited her and her friends over for another Bar-B-Que, and she came up to see our cats and again rub my face in it. When she went to throw something in the garbage she spotted an empty champaign bottle there, and quickly put two and two together, and knew that I had already began to date.

 

Instant turn around, she began begging for me to take her back, it was all a mistake, crockadile tears, we can fix it, you are the only man I have ever loved.

 

She pursued me for the next 3 to 4 years, would show up at my place all dressed up, just to see the cats. After I moved she began coming by my work place, I ran into while out grocery shopping, always she was dressed up, b-day, christmas and valentines day gifts and cards for the next 3 years.

 

Once you get your act together and move on, other ladies are going to notice, you say you made changes, good, use them in you next relationship. Also consider when you start a new relationship, you start from ground zero and build up. If you try again with the XW you start from the negative side and have to work up just to get to ground zero.

 

Just as you are lonely, lost and looking for someone special, there are also women out there who are going through the same thing, looking for a good man that they can share their life with.

 

It is up to you, ground zero and start rebuilding from the negative side.

[annxxdisaster]

An old psych professor of mine told our class about a patient at a mental health clinic with boderline personality disorder. Apparently if she thought she wasn't getting enough or proper attention from the nurses or staff, she would take the inside of a pen and stick it into her arm. She would shove it so far into her arm that they had to take her to the ER to get it removed.

 

Anyway, I have no useful advice, I just needed to say something because of the Jay Z lyric as a title.

[Art_Critic]

My man Art is spot on, I appreciate the correction.

 

Hell, I'm an ambulance-chaser, not a shrink ...

 

ah shucks

 

I'd hire ya.. you do live in the United States of Texas

[pinkp]

Why do we want the chicks and guys back who dog us. Leave us for the seemingly greener grass, or to find themselves, or because they've fallen out of love. Why do any of us want them back at all ? I guess it's just love. I'm only 23 and just started my divorce. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Everyday I want my husband back. There is not a single day that goes by that I dont want him back.We've been seperated for about 2 years off and on. Mostly off. It sucks.

 

Mikey I hope you feel better. I'll tell you whatever the othe LS'ers told me. Youre still young, you find someone. I know it sucks but it's true. You will. I wish you happier days. Keep your head up.