in his 30s and no LTR's?

[Peaceful Guy]

What do you think of a man in his early 30s that has never been in a long relationship? I'm talking all his relationships have been well under 1 year in length. Is this a sign that he would be unwilling to commit? Or maybe things just never worked out. What are your opinions on this?

 

yah got me! who knows what's wrong with me exactly () but i can answer a couple of your questions! its not a sign that he would be unwilling to commit.. things for me did not work out.. but they were real relationships.. people move at different speeds.. i should add that we spent most all our free time together.. not sure if that's applicable..

[Peaceful Guy]

"I would consider him to be a very risky prospect and probably not take an involvement with him too seriously."

 

Why would you say that Ruby? So what if he's in his 30's and hasn't had a LTR. Maybe he hasn't found the right person yet. Who are you to judge he is a risky prospect? You don't even know him.

 

based on past experienced ruby is a user that only views people in the context of what they have to offer her or one of her many personalities.. i winced when i saw that quote and then again when i saw that ruby wrote it.. sorry if that sounds harsh but im pretty sure ruby doesn't give a **** about how her actions affect others..

[Ruby Slippers]

sorry if that sounds harsh but im pretty sure ruby doesn't give a **** about how her actions affect others..

"Peaceful Guy", them's fightin' words.

[Skump]

I would consider him to be a very risky prospect and probably not take an involvement with him too seriously.

 

So, to clarify: One of the attributes you look for in a potential LT mate is a number of failed LT relationships?

 

He's "never met the right person"? Well, don't be surprised when you're not the right person, either.

 

This logic applies directly to the person with several failed LTRs relationships under his/her belt as well! One could offer with equal justification that you shouldn't be surprised when your LTR with him fails.

 

...which makes this whole line of reasoning a useless heuristic.

 

Jesus people, ya'll majorly overcomplicate this sh*t. If you go out on a date with someone, and s/he seems stable, interesting and interested in YOU, pursue the relationship! It's as simple as that.

 

Trying to make reliable inferences from a mere absence of past relationships is impossible and pointless.

[Peaceful Guy]

"Peaceful Guy", them's fightin' words.

 

well, i felt bad about saying it if that helps.. it should matter to you though.. people are telling you you're ideas are hurtful, shallow, selfish, insensitive.. i guess its not my place to say mean things but.. don't you care? even if you're right, shouldn't you think about it?

[Peaceful Guy]

..Jesus people, ya'll majorly overcomplicate this sh*t. If you go out on a date with someone, and s/he seems stable, interesting and interested in YOU, pursue the relationship! It's as simple as that...

 

thank you!

 

Trying to make reliable inferences from a mere absence of past relationships is impossible and pointless.

 

well, i guess the bright side is that if someone is merely looking out for themselves to the extent that they look at your dating past like a resume then you really don't want to be with them anyway.. i guess the fear, and maybe its unfounded but probably not, is that nice people with not a lot of experience will read crap like that (stuff like "how to be an A1 bitch" and the like.. ) and make stupid illogical decisions towards other nice people thinking their doing the right thing.

[Peaceful Guy]

one of her many personalities.. i winced when i saw that quote and then again when i saw that ruby wrote it..

 

im sorry, i don't even really believe in multiple personalities and my prejudices/inablitly to forgive/understand past interactions doesn't give me the right to say what i want. im sorry. i do still stand by the last thing i said to you though.. you should care more about being good and deep and caring then getting what you want.. its the only way to find happiness, temporary satisfaction is overrated and pales in comparison to the "good stuff".

[Ruby Slippers]

well, i felt bad about saying it if that helps.. it should matter to you though.. people are telling you you're ideas are hurtful, shallow, selfish, insensitive.. i guess its not my place to say mean things but.. don't you care? even if you're right, shouldn't you think about it?

Well, I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings, but that doesn't change my opinion on the matter. And I imagine if I sat down with ALL my girlfriends and talked about this, most of them would agree with me.

 

If you're a 30-year-old person who hasn't had a relationship last longer than a year -- and this goes for men AND women -- it is highly likely that you are:

 

• not relationship-minded / more interested in something casual or shallow than something more meaningful / unwilling to make a commitment
  
• picking partners with whom you are not compatible (probably going for gold diggers or bad boys who just want to use you then toss you)
  
• very socially awkward or unpleasant to be around (have big issues)
  
• simply undesirable for a relationship
  

 

I might have played the wait and see game with such a guy when I was younger, but now I'd rather be single and doing good things with my time than wasting it with a risky prospect.

 

I wouldn't outright eliminate a guy who hadn't had any lasting relationships, but I would consider it an orange flag and look out for other warning signs that he's not relationship-minded or a good match for me.

 

But this is nothing to worry about. I'm just one person. I'm sure there are plenty of women -- especially those who also have not had long-term relationships -- who don't care about this.

[Ruby Slippers]

you should care more about being good and deep and caring then getting what you want

Everybody cares about getting what they want, and anyone pretending otherwise is a liar. Every animal on this earth is concerned with its own survival and propagation of the species.

 

I certainly don't need to defend my character to you, but most of the people in my life would describe me as a "good, deep, caring person".

 

You're pissed at me for having standards, which is ridiculous.

[PJKino]

So a guy whos had many failed relationships long term and short term isnt a risky prospect to you?

[AD1980]

Status is improtant to women they want their Man to be in high demand..Women very much care what people on the outside think of their Men they need more validation thne just their own of the guy there with..Very insecure thing but thats females..

 

And guys get heat for being shallow and petty with things..Women seem way worse..The idea most women just want the right guy and love is a joke..They worry about such petty things at times..

 

Ive never bee in a relationship because im not very good with women, im shy and not that confident about where i stand with women but i dont think it would be lack of exeprience that would hurt me in a relationship because im a very laid back flexible person whos far from selfish and uncooperating...

 

Why would somebody whso been in numerous relationships be a better candidate to be in another relationship when he may not have those traits i listed?

 

If i ever get to courage to get a women im lying about my past because i guess its better to be a player whos scorned women then a guy who didnt get allot of women and doesnt show allot of social value or social proof with other women..

 

Women are very insecure creatures who dont trust their own judgement and need approval from others of everything in life including their mate.

 

Life is one big popularity pissing contest to women,allot of them dont get out of the high school mentality even as adults

[Ruby Slippers]

So a guy whos had many failed relationships long term and short term isnt a risky prospect to you?

It depends on why they failed. Relationship history is important because it gives you information about the person's patterns.

 

If a guy has had long-term relationships and ended each one by cheating, yes, that would be cause for concern. If each one ended with him proposing then getting scared and dumping her, yes, that would be cause for concern.

 

In fact, this was somewhat the case with my last boyfriend, and guess what happened? He pulled out all the big, sweeping marriage and kids talk with me, then got "scared". (Painful) lesson learned. If I'd been smarter at the time, I would have known that was his PATTERN. He did a little better with me, took things a little more seriously. But ultimately, he hit the same wall he always had.

 

If they simply got over the infatuation hump (haha) and didn't know how to keep the relationship strong beyond it, well, I get that. Or if they realized they really weren't that compatible with this person and didn't want the same things in life and went their separate ways, I get that. What did you learn from it? That's the important part.

 

Most people establish patterns of behavior and perpetuate them throughout their lives. Some people get better as they mature. A small minority of people depart from their patterns and do something new and healthier.

 

When you're young and stupid, you can try to beat the odds. And believe me, I did, many, many times. Now I'm wiser, and I have a much better idea of what's a good investment of my time and what isn't. I understand the odds a lot better. This ain't my first time to the rodeo.

Edited April 24, 2010 by Ruby Slippers

[Knittress]

Sheesh. Can't a person share an opinion or personal perspective around here without it getting pulled all out of context? Oh right. This is the internet. Stupid me.

[Knittress]

BGH... dude. You come across as bitter and entitled - which means I wouldn't want to have a conversation with you, much less a date. You're so busy telling all us women about who you think we are, I'd be amazed if you could ever manage to see past that. It's so incredibly narcissistic to feel that the world (and women) owe you whatever you want just because you want it.

 

And that goes for all you over 'beta'-boys out there too, but haven't we covered that all already? Why don't you guys go out and find something positive to do, which might actually ATTRACT somebody?

[Peaceful Guy]

hey blue, ruby isn't representative of all or even most women. i know it hurts, but most women are in the same situation that most men are. yin and yang my man.. the woman for you will be perfectly fine with how you are/have been just like youll be fine with her and her past. don't blame people like ruby for the situation you're in because you don't want to be with people like that anyway. to meet women, you have to go to activities that you find interesting on a personal level. you also have to work very very hard to have self love and accept who you are and the life you've lived so that when you talk to women at these events or wherever you are never defeated.. always learning loving.. and believe that you're on your way to something awesome. being bitter is a terrible thing because you stay trapped in your past problems. you will never get approval like you wanted it and if you really saw the situation for what it was you'd know that as long as you were treating people well things turned out just like they should. nothing ive just said was in any way a criticism of you and i am absolutely rooting for you to get out there and have fun and be free and meet someone special.. there are lots and lots and lots of awesome people out there so don't waste your time on anybody else. in total contradiction to what i JUST said i feel like i need to say this. ruby, you are a very, very, VERY, hurtful person and its not okay.

[Ruby Slippers]

BlueGreenHole, I see no contradiction. My friends are attractive, intelligent, successful women who have standards. Women with fewer options aren't going to be as picky. I have a number of deal-breakers that other women might not have.

 

ruby, you are a very, very, VERY, hurtful person and its not okay.

No, I'm honest. And sometimes the truth hurts.

 

I could pretend that I would not be wary of a guy with little to no relationship experience, but that would be lying.

 

Just like a man could pretend he's OK dating a woman who is fat or unattractive to him or "hangs out" with all her exes or is a heavy drinker (or whatever men see as turn-offs), and he'd be lying.

 

There are BILLIONS of people on this planet. If you can't find someone to have a relationship with and love, and you really do want that, you need to accept being alone, lower your standards, or try something different.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm almost 40 and have never been in any type of relationship and have no idea how sex works.

BGH, one of my mid-20s relationships was with a virgin. Even then, I thought dating someone with such limited experience was risky, but since I was young, I went for it. I loved him very much, but it did not work out, and we both ended up getting hurt badly. The good news is we are still friends.

 

Have you considered dating a woman who also has no dating experience? I'm sure they are out there, and would be delighted to fall in love with a guy like you. And I think two people in the same boat can understand each other best.

[Ruby Slippers]

There are virtually no women above the low 20s with no dating expereince. There are a lot more men.

Well, I'm sure there are some women your age who have been unlucky in love and dated jerks, who would love nothing more than to be with loving, caring men who would be there for them.

 

Believe me, I understand how brutal the world can be. That's why I'm not getting involved with men at all right now, and just working on my career and myself.

 

Probably half of your problem is confidence. And yes, I understand the forces that can tear down a person's confidence. There are many things you cannot control, so you'd do best to focus on the things you can control, like your attitude.

 

I'd suggest getting involved and making some female friends. I think the best relationships spring from friendships.