Do quick affairs turn into lasting marriages?

[worldgirl]

Hi all,

I posted a "dark night of the soul" thread on here a while back, but amazingly, not five months after my husband of 28 years deserted me without warning and moved abroad - I am feeling some interest in life again. Even have a dramatically different new haircut.

 

However, I know it's going to take far far more time to recover than this. My question - he had had a seven-week affair with a woman of 45 (I am 55) and decided to suddenly junk our long and usually happy marriage, his best friend and partner and our two beautiful twentysomething children, who were very close to him (they are now estranged). For what? Why couldn't he just have settled for shagging himself senseless for a couple of months? It's not great, but see a wonderful post by You Go Girl on here about the value of a long-term marriage. I would have been very willing to go to counselling and I believe we could have worked it through. I had a summary execution instead, no trial, no chance.

 

He said at the time that the two of them would be getting married and, in our financial negotiations, I learn that they are still together, although she speaks no English and they had such a short affair before he left me. Has anyone else had a spouse who did this and then regretted it? I would never take him back, mind you, because I've seen a counsellor who has identified it as severe abuse on many fronts (although not physical). She tells me these are his problems, not mine, and since he had a major online porn habit, I think it led to a lot of misogyny (he is telling her a lot of lies too, I have learned).

 

Still - was she really the one? He gets annoyed if I blandly say, on the phone: "I accept you have finally found true happiness." Has he? Yes, yes, I know I have to move on, but it takes a long time to get to the place where you really can.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, his "new love" is going to end terribly - unless he manages to bully her into staying with him, whereupon it will be terrible in general.

[scatterd]

Wow shes going to be able to trust him she will see they both will now go find a msn worth keeping.his loss

[floridapad]

Oh my goodness. I think the statistics put it at somewhere around 3% that actually are happy in the end and that is if the affair was long and ongoing. Being that it is such a short affair I would put the odds at about .00001%. Sure he will stick with it for a while even after the typical luster fades, just out of stubborness, but chances are HIGH he will not be utlimately happy with this person. No doubt as time goes on he will be wondering what the Hell he did. BUT that will likely take years, so yes you need to move on.

 

As far as moving on goes, that obviously takes time and will go at YOUR pace. You can move on quickly or slowly. Whatever you feel comfortable with. But.....the more you wonder about whether or not he will be happy the harder it will be for you to move on. It's not about him anymore.

[worlybear]

:bunny:I share your confusion and anger as my H of 28yrs has also abandoned me and our family and has ended up living with ow and her 10 yr old daughter(left his own 8 yr old though.)

What makes these men tick? I am trying hard to move on too, but its not easy and its tricky trying to date again- and yes I do obsess over why and hope that it all comes crashing down around him.

Sounds like your ex didn't really think things through- I'm sure it will trip him up eventually.

Meanwhile, well done for the new hairdo etc- I know how tough it is to put on a brave face and pretend you're getting over it. Keep going forward and I wish you all the very best-you deserve a much nicer man!

[You Go Girl]

Hello Worldgirl, thanks for the compliment on my post. I think I know which one you are talking about.

The truth of it sounds on your ex's part like a true full blown mid-life-crisis.

I believe that people who do what your husband did have an active imagination on what it would be like to leave years before it happens. Else how could they be so detached and just run off?

Obviously it's all sexual.

The porn obsession, I know that one well. Many men are severly taken into fantasy land to the point of chucking it all for a little nookie. Men all around seem so much more vulnerable when they find a willing sexual partner. Crazy like. Obsessed completely with having someone new. The porn, the new sexual partner, I don't think women are as strongly swayed by sex as men are, as a general rule, always with a few that don't fit that stereotype. Men who post on this board are much more contemplative and thoughtful than those that are sexually obsessed.

Sexual high for a relationship lasts about two years, statistically.

This is all ego boost for him.

Other posters are correct who state that he will come around to reality but it could take a few years, too many years for you to sit around waiting for him to get a grip on reality and what he has done.

Your focus has to be on you. Taking care of you.

I'd quit altogether wondering if he and her are going to make it long-term. (I know that's difficult to stop wondering about). But, it will just eat away at your happiness. Somehow, through all this mess, you have to find your way to feeling good about yourself and your life everyday when you wake up and all day through.

Fighting off anything that brings on depression should be your goal.

And yeah, new haircut, new clothes, new social activities, anything to remind yourself that just because he chucked your marriage into the trash doesn't mean that you aren't as interesting and attractive as you ever were.

New image--only when you want to. The old you is just as wonderful as always--that's more important. Nothing has changed there. Holding onto that day to day happiness you had with yourself before he did all this is key. Which makes me think the answer has to be taking what he did in stride, shrugging it off to some degree, as crazy as that sounds. He changed. You're still the same-find comfort in that stability. Find happiness in the same things as you always have. You don't have to change too. But you do have to adapt to the realization that he's gone and your life is different.

Edited April 23, 2010 by You Go Girl

[WalkInThePark]

decided to suddenly junk our long and usually happy marriage, his best friend and partner

 

I don't understand that you refer to your marriage as a usually happy one if your husband had a "major online porn habit".

 

Whether this will last or not, only time can tell. You say that this woman does not speak English. Where does she come from, how old is she? If being with him is some kind "escape" for her from dire circumstances, it might last long since she will have a high motivation to keep him. But if he has major flaws such as a porn habit and she is strong enough to build some life of her own apart from him (own job, own money,...) she might leave him at some point.

In case she is too weak to really have a lot of selfconfidence, they might stay together but it's not sure they will be happy. I mean, how many marriages are really happy. Staying married does not say anything about the quality of the relationship.

[worldgirl]

I don't understand that you refer to your marriage as a usually happy one if your husband had a "major online porn habit".

 

I mean, how many marriages are really happy. Staying married does not say anything about the quality of the relationship .

 

Couple of quotes I wanted to just flag up there, Walk. I think the porn habit was the only significant problem we had but he had allegedly given it up last year (he hadn't, I later found out) and, in any case, our understanding of the pernicious nature of internet porn is fairly recent.

 

On the plus side, this was a guy who would make me coffee every morning, do any kind of housework, buy a little present for me every second time he was out, meet me (literally) with open arms when I came home from work. We talked for hours every week. And he did it for more than two decades!

 

As regards your second quote, I would have said our marriage was happy, although there were problems, sure, like finance, jobs etc. He was a dual personality, my counsellor thinks, and had long hidden his darker side. Yet he clearly is continuing this dark behaviour with his new woman. She has no idea he is going through a divorce, or that he has deserted a person with disabilities and is estranged from his adult children. The other day, he actually admitted this in a phone call (I had already found it out).

 

The woman is 45, so younger but not excessively so and a senior health professional, albeit currently unemployed. She was a widow, so hadn't betrayed anyone herself. He told us very little about her, left very swiftly, but my children and I read some of his emails until he changed his password. Reading her emails, she actually sounded very nice, concerned he stay in touch with his children, wholly unaware of all this deeply unsavoury tale, and simply madly in love with him. He can be exceptionally attentive and loving, so I can see that. I don't really blame her - since she doesn't know what's happened, she is being abused too. There were quite a few other lies he told her too.

 

I think the porn eventually did make him think of women: "They're all a bunch of c***s because he has also been especially impervious to my daughter's suffering in this as well.

 

Thanks, You Go Girl, for your always useful observations on this horror show. It certainly is probably an ego boost for a man in his early sixties, and it seems he just doesn't care how much pain he's caused - before he's too old, he just wanted to have this mad romance in a foreign language (he's fluent in it; I'm disguising a few details on location/language) come hell or high water.

 

Vikki Stark's work on spousal abandonment fits this case to a tee. Yes, I know I am still the same person, but I think doing some new things/new appearance etc will enable me more easily to find a way eventually out of what is a profound tragedy for me (and for my children). Otherwise I will keep associating my old things with him.

 

Thanks, all

[Gunny376]

Yea like a two bit whore in Bangkok

[katiecox]

Um.. not to want to spoil your fun, but I think porn is generally becoming more accepted with my generation (I am 25). Even in my teenage years, the guys in high school have been burning porn CDs and swapping them with each other in class.

 

Even among chatter with girlfriends, we all agree that we would rather our boyfriends go watch porn than cheat on us. Watching porn is pretty normal these days, especially for boys.

 

I don't think it is wrong for men to watch porn.. it's kind of accepted. And even throughout college, c'mon, it's so normal these days. I always hear stories of "so-and-so caught his roommates jacking off to porn".. or, "know why the lotion is beside the computer?" type of jokes.

 

FYI, I am not a porn addict and if I choose to watch it, it will probably be once in 6 months... girls are wired different than guys!

[worldgirl]

Um.. not to want to spoil your fun, but I think porn is generally becoming more accepted with my generation (I am 25).

 

I don't think it is wrong for men to watch porn.. it's kind of accepted. And even throughout college, c'mon, it's so normal these days.

 

Well, Katie, I wouldn't call what I've been going through "fun" - try severe mental and emotional abuse, if you've read the posts. Yes, once upon a time I held the view you've expressed; it took me many years to consider otherwise. When what we would now consider soft-core porn was legalised about 30 years ago, it never occurred to me that it was anything other than a silly male foible.

 

We aren't talking about pictures of threesomes or big boobs here, Katie. It's striking to me how so much of current mainstream online porn concerns the humiliaton and degradation of women, not just some fun sexfest as it seems to me lots of it was years back. Also, there are 18 and up disclaimers, but an awful lot of the women on those sites look under 18 which is, of course, a crime.

 

As to my husband, his use escalated in the final year until it was women with pool cues/bottles shoved inside them, gang rapes etc. I was having major problems with figuring out why a very loving, helpful man would want to use this stuff every day. He'd just say: "I don't know why" and claim he'd stopped.

 

Check out this link from The Atlantic magazine. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/10/is-pornography-adultery/6989/

 

It's a fascinating article about the problem of online porn in relationships. A particular quote that interested me is "A 2004 study found that married individuals who cheated on their spouses were three times as likely to have used Internet pornography as married people who hadn’t committed adultery." In the UK, where I now live, "pornography, says Ray Wyre, a specialist in sexual crime, 'encourages transience, experimentation and moving between partners'. "

 

So I've never had the slightest puritan instincts, just the opposite. But I now realise the alarm bells were ringing a long time ago on this; I'm just too tolerant and easygoing. I think it went into overdrive after one of our children survived a life-threatening illness, and he felt like escaping. The majority of men do leave marriages after the death or serious illness of a child. He behaved so supportively throughout it, as always, that I thought he was better than that. Apparently not.

[WalkInThePark]

Well, Katie, I wouldn't call what I've been going through "fun" - try severe mental and emotional abuse, if you've read the posts.

 

Worldgirl, I am so surprised that you describe your marriage as happy since you mention several times how many problems your couple had. It seems to me that your ex is a guy with a lot of problems and issues. It would really surprise me if all of a sudden this will change.

 

I agree with your opinion on porn. I have in principle nothing against watching a bit of porn for extra excitement. But I can very rarely relate to the scenes I see in porn. Most of the time there is something degrading about it towards the woman/women.

Edited April 28, 2010 by WalkInThePark

[worldgirl]

Worldgirl, I am so surprised that you describe your marriage as happy since you mention several times how many problems your couple had. It seems to me that your ex is a guy with a lot of problems and issues. It would really surprise me if all of a sudden this will change.

 

Walk, my counsellor helped me see that, despite what a good father he was, travelling companion, etc etc, this desertion was indeed really about his problems, not our marriage. In that I would agree with you. He would never change or come back, and in any case I would never want him back after this. I am really only trying to make sense in this forum on what has happened to me.

 

As to my comment on "severe mental and emotional abuse", this did not happen during the marriage itself. You cannot expect perfect people (that's one reason there are so many divorces today) and until recently his good point far outweighed his bad, and he was best friend. You don't place such a high degree of trust in someone for 28 years unless this is so. Another thing - most of my friends envied me a husband who did not shirk his share of housework, who would keep the kids for a week if I went on a trip abroad, who always remembered my birthday and never watched football in the pub with the boys, preferring to go to cultural events with me.

 

But, of course, that was then. It was severely abusive to leave someone with disabilities suddenly, give no chance of marriage repair, take away my dream of retiring early to Europe (we had worked on this together for over 10 years), leave me jobless, and never tell me any reasons or even apologise (he never has, incredibly, not once). This bit, at the end, was the very abusive part, when he clearly snapped. He is not an axe murderer but in the years ahead I will have to integrate how I could have had such a good time through most of our marriage with a man who eventually did this to me. It will be able harder for my children to do this, they acknowledge.

[LisaUk]

 

But, of course, that was then. It was severely abusive to leave someone with disabilities suddenly, give no chance of marriage repair, take away my dream of retiring early to Europe (we had worked on this together for over 10 years), leave me jobless, and never tell me any reasons or even apologise (he never has, incredibly, not once). This bit, at the end, was the very abusive part, when he clearly snapped. He is not an axe murderer but in the years ahead I will have to integrate how I could have had such a good time through most of our marriage with a man who eventually did this to me. It will be able harder for my children to do this, they acknowledge.

 

Yes it was!

 

Hi Worldgirl,

 

I have been wondering how you are doing, it's good to see you posting again. How was Vicki's book? I might get chance to read it after my exams, has it helped at all? Part of the difficulty of abandonment is that it is hard to reconcile the person who you thought you knew, the one whom you loved with this person before you now. 28 years is a long time to not have "known" someone, I know b/c I struggle after 18 years to try and wrap my head around the fact he would be capable of this. I find it hard to know if he was always like this or if he changed? It makes my memories untrustworthy and so I don't even have those, almost like 18 years oblitarated in one foul swoop.

 

I totally get this. I think the fact that they act like it's ok to do this makes it even harder, over time I am starting to see it's not so much that they left (although that's a big part of it) but HOW they left. Ambandonment is the most damaging way someone can do this and yes, it is abusive. I have had leavers post on here that there is no good way to leave and whilst that might be true, there are ways that are one h**l of a lot better than this! It's always going to hurt but if you have knowledge that things are going down the pan, and a chance to work it out first it makes accepting it less difficult, still hard, but it's about respect. IMO.

[WalkInThePark]

But, of course, that was then. It was severely abusive to leave someone with disabilities suddenly, give no chance of marriage repair, take away my dream of retiring early to Europe (we had worked on this together for over 10 years), leave me jobless, and never tell me any reasons or even apologise (he never has, incredibly, not once). This bit, at the end, was the very abusive part, when he clearly snapped. He is not an axe murderer but in the years ahead I will have to integrate how I could have had such a good time through most of our marriage with a man who eventually did this to me. It will be able harder for my children to do this, they acknowledge.

 

Worldgirl, I have to disagree with you here. However painful it is to end a relationship after 28 years, it is not abusive. People have the right to end their marriage. And they also have the right to be nice during the marriage and yet all of a sudden decide that they no longer want it. As far as marriage repair is concerned, it is not an obligation to try to save a marriage. Sometimes people simply reach a point of no return. This does not mean that the one they left has not been a good partner, it might also be because they have issues.

If divorce was a crime, people would be thrown in prison, no?

 

Now not giving reasons or not apologising is far from classy but I think people often react like this because they have no clue what their reasons are and feel so embarrassed that they don't want the confrontation.

 

You see that he left you jobless. Is this a direct consequence of the divorce? I do think that a person who had the main income divorces, he should make sure that there is a decent arrangement for the partner he leaves.

[worldgirl]

Abandonment is the most damaging way someone can do this and yes, it is abusive. I have had leavers post on here that there is no good way to leave and whilst that might be true, there are ways that are one h**l of a lot better than this! It's always going to hurt but if you have knowledge that things are going down the pan, and a chance to work it out first it makes accepting it less difficult, still hard, but it's about respect. IMO.

 

 

Hi Lisa - I owe you a big thank you, girl! On the boards in February, I think, you told me that because you were a trainee solicitor, you knew that I was not getting a fair deal. Well, I took this on board and went to see a specialist family lawyer (we have been negotiating ourselves, because we had been advised our assets pot was too small to involve lawyers).

 

Anyway, this lawyer was very nice, charged me much less because of my finances, and told me how pension valuations figure in a division of assets, especially on a 28-year marriage. I was also being threatened by email when I agreed to a cash lump sum, and he said this invalidated any agreement. I was advised to stay proceedings until this was sorted.

 

Well, I re-opened the negotiations and though very tough to get my points through to him, it seems that he may agree to a pension share. It's the only way to even approach a 50-50 division, although I will still have to buy a studio apartment and he has a nice little European house. So this is a big advantage, as it is a lifelong (albeit small) income stream to help me. I wouldn't have a chance of this if you hadn't advised me!

 

Vikki's book is very useful, yes. It has lots of survival strategies and explains some of the rationale behind these guys' decisions, so I recommend it. Our case fits the sudden abandonment syndrome to a tee, so it was enlightening, as was my counsellor.

 

Thank you again, and let me know how it's going with you.

[worldgirl]

Sometimes people simply reach a point of no return. This does not mean that the one they left has not been a good partner, it might also be because they have issues.

 

You see that he left you jobless. Is this a direct consequence of the divorce? I do think that a person who had the main income divorces, he should make sure that there is a decent arrangement for the partner he leaves.

 

Walk, I agree with the point that the leaver can have problems (ie major in his case - the mental health/medical professionals I have seen say he may have had a repressed narcissistic personality disorder, among other things) I saw little of this in the marriage, but these experts have helped me clarify that there were in fact some signs.

 

I didn't make it clear, but the abuse ultimately relates to the last four years, though I wasn't aware of it fully at the time. In short, I have again been helped to clarify that in part my husband may have planned this along, which all my professionals say is seriously abusive.

 

He is some years older than me and retired very early, several years before we had agreed, and began to spend a few months each year at our European house (by the way, the second bit sounds curious in a marriage, but we always had one that was semi-detached yet paradoxically closer than most).

 

The real problem was, our UK household income dropped by 60pc, and my salary was much less than his. He gave me a bit of money but I had to support two teenage children, one in university. My husband had a smallish pension, having never stayed in a job that long. I was quite resentful about this irresponsiblity for a while, even asked for a trial separation (I must have subconsciously known his intentions) although I was not that serious about it.

 

But he was death against this, holding out the prize of our future life together - and I now know why. He wanted a fallback position in case his European residency didn't work, he wanted access to free UK healthcare if he needed it. I'm sure he was fond of me too, but I now see that he was also thinking that if someone else came along, he could simply bail. Meanwhile, he could surf along on my back, essentially.

 

He furnished and decorated the house only to his tastes, although I went there a lot (said I could change it when I joined him). He was travel-mad - yet when I'd plan all the destinations we would go to when we both had retired, rather than get online as he usually would, he'd just say "Lovely, dear" because he probably knew we would never go on them.

 

There is also a major issue concerning cruelty to animals, which I can't detail, because it would be too identifying - this might be a crime in the UK, but not in this foreign country. In all studies, people who are cruel to animals (he used to be the reverse) usually end up meting it out to humans instead. I was disturbed when I eventually learned this, but I guess his behaviour (which after a rocky period very much improved again) blinded me.

 

Yet note that, in this time, I had to reduce my pension contributions too, because I could not afford it. That affects me very much now. I was also industrially injured while working in the last three years, a problem that also affects me still.

 

This is long and complex, but he persuaded me to take a redundancy about a year ago, because I had developed various disabilities and the workload was increasing big-time,with staff being cut. I could have gone on long-term company sick leave, tried for a health retirement, all sorts, but he said he "wanted to spend much more time with me" and insisted on this. I agreed and we had a beautiful number of months together, and during this time he again persuaded me to not take a simpler, part-time job, because he wanted me with him all the time. Alas, my disabilities worsened somewhat, but the time I could retire abroad (because of foreign healthcare rules) was less than a year away.

 

After the desertion (because that's what it really is - I'm just petitioning for divorce because I desperately need funds) he has fought me tooth and nail to avoid a fair settlement, arguing that he needs to support his current girlfriend, who has a very good profession although no job at the moment. There is no legal basis for this, I am told. As I said, I was threatened into a preliminary, very unfair agreement and he still has not finalised it, though he may. This is five months later. He has sloughed off many of my costs onto my poor adult son for the moment.

 

So this is why the professionals (and me) all agree that this is mentally, emotionally and financially abusive. And by the way, abuse is now a habit with him - I read his emails for some weeks till he changed his password and his girlfriend doesn't know he's divorcing, thinks I am long gone, has no idea his children are estranged, thinks he has assets he doesn't have, and loads more. Oddly, she sounds quite nice and I am not jealous of her. I want my fair share now, but after what he has done, the person I knew has metaphorically died and I would never consider a reconciliation.

[WalkInThePark]

Worldgirl, that sounds indeed all very calculated from your H which is really ugly. He sounds to me like a guy who never managed to secure his financial future himself and indeed tried and tries to win as much as possible from a divorce.

The only thing you can do is to find a good lawyer who helps you to secure your future.

I was never married but if I ever will marry, I will not adapt my career for my partner. My plan is to work fulltime until I have worked enough to have a full pension, which might be till I'm 65. My partner can have all my time apart from work but I am not going to adapt my work schedule for him.

I was involved with a MM and I always told him that if he ever would divorce, I would expect him to be very generous towards his wife in the settlement, as she is a SAHM and he has a very good income. I honestly would not want to be with someone who has ripped off his ex.

 

BTW, I am 45 myself and I can tell you that most women of 45 do not want to be with a guy in his sixties. So I wonder if the new girlfriend does not have issues...

[You Go Girl]

I wonder when the truth of all the effects of porn will sink in with these 20 something women...

maybe when they are pregnant, or older, and their husbands watch the barely 18 videos?

 

I fear for society this being the norm and considered acceptable.

[worldgirl]

I wonder when the truth of all the effects of porn will sink in with these 20 something women...

maybe when they are pregnant, or older, and their husbands watch the barely 18 videos?

 

I fear for society this being the norm and considered acceptable.

 

My sentiments exactly. In my twenties (when I met my husband) I already knew he had a taste for something-more-than-Penthouse porn. But back then you had to buy these magazines in London's Soho for the modern day equivalent of 100 US, so access was limited. I simply put it down to "the kinky British" and since he was otherwise a very modern man with children, housework etc, did not give it much thought for many years. Little did I know it was his outlet for this disorder which has now shattered my future.

 

I think the internet has really intensified the problem, since at least 40% of all traffic online is porn! It's on tap 24 hours a day, and the potential for the addiction my husband has is huge.

 

You Go Girl, I believe all this is already acceptable. Bluntly, the obsession with Brazilian waxes, and shaping and trimming of pubic hair with younger women shows that porn style is mainstream now. Sorry, I don't have much time for the theory that this is "empowering".

[sumdude]

Regarding the original question? I think there's no way to tell if an affair can turn into a lasting marriage. My ex-wife suddenly left me for another man. Just moved out one day without warning. I don't know how far back the affair went, in fact she was still trying to cover it up from me even after we were divorced. They were quickly married after our divorce and I'm pretty sure they're still together now about three years later. So wasting time and energy wondering about that isn't worth it.

 

I won't get deep into a porn debate other than to say it belongs in the same realm as alcohol, drugs and anything else that can be abused. In many ways sex can be a drug. It's quite powerful. There are people who can 'use' porn and remain faithful and decent in their relationships and others who cannot. I tend to believe that you can't blame the drug per se.. it's up to the individual, their choices and tendencies.

[worldgirl]

My partner can have all my time apart from work but I am not going to adapt my work schedule for him.

I was involved with a MM and I always told him that if he ever would divorce, I would expect him to be very generous towards his wife in the settlement, as she is a SAHM and he has a very good income. I honestly would not want to be with someone who has ripped off his ex.

 

BTW, I am 45 myself and I can tell you that most women of 45 do not want to be with a guy in his sixties. So I wonder if the new girlfriend does not have issues...

 

The thing is, Walk, I really did enjoy my time with him, didn't like my last job (where I had been injured and bullied) and as long as I trusted him - there was no reason not to, after 27 years - then that was fine. Hindsight is 20/20, but if I had retired abroad we were going to spend some of the house equity I recovered on travelling and we would have been fine with our pooled resources. That was then ...

 

Good for you about the MM and wanting him to be generous. If he rips her off, then he'll do it again, for sure. It's a test of character, essentially.

 

In my case, the hapless girlfriend of course knows nothing about this desertion, divorce, anything. He has definitely confirmed this on the phone, saying that her knowing "would just cause trouble". Uh-huh.

 

Yes, there is a big age gap there, and I'm also puzzled why a woman with a well-paid profession would want to do this. She isn't even from that area of the European country, she's a stranger in town. I do know she is a widow, though, and sounds truly madly deeply in love. It's a bit of a hick town, mostly couples, and perhaps she thought he was a bit of a find (he can be mega-loving and attentive, as mentioned). Maybe she too is a trusting soul (probably more than me). After all, I had been with him for 28 years, she for seven weeks when he left me in December.

 

Sumdude, I think that's right about porn - it was his mental state that did it, not precisely what was available, but nonetheless, 24/7 availability of anything means usage will be higher.

 

It must have been a real shock about your ex-wife suddenly leaving. I think the fact they are together still is unusual unless it had been going on for some time before. One stat I've just read on the success of remarriages after quick affairs and divorces was 15pc. It really only matters because I think my adult children would be a bit more willing to see him if she left. I am not jealous of her at all, but they mind that fact much more.

[scatterd]

Its not going to work He gave you the gift of finding someone better you hurt now but alot of them come back I would move on you will find happiness.

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa - I owe you a big thank you, girl! On the boards in February, I think, you told me that because you were a trainee solicitor, you knew that I was not getting a fair deal. Well, I took this on board and went to see a specialist family lawyer (we have been negotiating ourselves, because we had been advised our assets pot was too small to involve lawyers).

 

Anyway, this lawyer was very nice, charged me much less because of my finances, and told me how pension valuations figure in a division of assets, especially on a 28-year marriage. I was also being threatened by email when I agreed to a cash lump sum, and he said this invalidated any agreement. I was advised to stay proceedings until this was sorted.

 

Well, I re-opened the negotiations and though very tough to get my points through to him, it seems that he may agree to a pension share. It's the only way to even approach a 50-50 division, although I will still have to buy a studio apartment and he has a nice little European house. So this is a big advantage, as it is a lifelong (albeit small) income stream to help me. I wouldn't have a chance of this if you hadn't advised me!

 

Vikki's book is very useful, yes. It has lots of survival strategies and explains some of the rationale behind these guys' decisions, so I recommend it. Our case fits the sudden abandonment syndrome to a tee, so it was enlightening, as was my counsellor.

 

Thank you again, and let me know how it's going with you.

 

Hi Worldgirl,

 

thank you so much for posting and letting me know, I often think about you and am still trying to figure out how you can get your hands on that European house, EU law is not my best subject!

 

I'm so pleased to hear that you have a shot at the pension, just hearing this from you, at a time where I am really tired with all the study for my exams starting this week, has made all the hard work worthwhile!

[worldgirl]

Hi Worldgirl,

 

thank you so much for posting and letting me know, I often think about you and am still trying to figure out how you can get your hands on that European house, EU law is not my best subject!

 

I'm so pleased to hear that you have a shot at the pension, just hearing this from you, at a time where I am really tired with all the study for my exams starting this week, has made all the hard work worthwhile!

 

Hi Lisa - Yes, you're already doing great legal work!

 

On the EU house, the specialist lawyer I saw had actually practised in that foreign country and confirmed that it is very hard to force the sale of an overseas property. So he said the thing to do was to get as much capital from other sources - ie the pension. Until I saw this lawyer, the key thing I hadn't realised was that pensions are often larger assets than property.

 

Actually I am hanging on until I get a share of it. The negotiation by phone starts fairly soon.

 

Hope you do really well in your exams. Post again to let us know how you are feeling yourself. And thanks again!