First real fight, did I over-react?

[pandagirl]

So wheeeeee... first fight!

 

Something to know before I tell the story: I suffer from depression. I take care of myself, but I'm in a depressive episode right now, which means I'm in a SUPER sensitive state. My boyfriend knows this and is supportive of me.

 

OK, so the fight. Basically he didn't call me back last night, after he said he would. He was out with friends, got drunk, came home and passed out. Fine, kind of forgivable, because we've all been there. But I had called five times, left a vm, and a couple texts. He saw all this, and still didn't attempt to even text me back. He's diabetic, so sometimes I worry about him living by himself in case something happens to him.

 

This next morning he called me, and I really let him have it...like to the point where I think he was afraid of me. I was incredibly hurt that he saw my numerous attempts of contacting him and couldn't muster up the 10 seconds it takes to call or text me. Granted, we've all been drunk, come home and passed out, but at some point during the night, he could done the courteous thing gesture to contact me, as I always do with him.

 

He apologized profusely, telling me he messed up and that it wasn't anything he did on purpose, but that it just slipped his mind -- which is my whole point of the argument -- he WASN'T thinking about me at all. I was not taken into consideration. This hurts.

 

Now, in my mind, this leads to all sort of bad scenarios -- cheating, lying, more instances of him being drunk (I told him being drunk is not an excuse) and doing stuff that makes me upset. I'm creating disastrous situations in my mind... this is the depression taking hold of me -- negative upon negative thought.

 

This is the first time he's ever done something like this in our 2.5 months of being apart. Usually, he is very good at calling. He's very sorry, but I don't know how to get over the feeling of this being a very bag sign of things to come.

 

I can't tell if I'm over-reacting or not. I need objective views. Help?

[RobM]

In my opinion you are way over-reacting. Accept his apology and move on. If I was him I would seriously consider dumping you. Five calls, a vm, a couple of texts then freaking out and getting that mad because he didn't call you back for one night, while he was drunk. And you've only be together for 2 1/2 months, way too soon to get that controlling.

[pandagirl]

Well, we've been together five months if that makes a difference.

 

But thank you for your opinion. I want to hear what people have to say.

[ADF]

You're totally overreacting. His behavior was somewhat inconsiderate, but it was nowhere bad enough to warrant such a strong reaction on your part. And I'm sorry, but trying to draw a straight line between what your BF did and something as serious as cheating just doesn't make sense. You apologize.

[pandagirl]

You're totally overreacting. His behavior was somewhat inconsiderate, but it was nowhere bad enough to warrant such a strong reaction on your part. And I'm sorry, but trying to draw a straight line between what your BF did and something as serious as cheating just doesn't make sense. You apologize.

 

I feel like no one took into consideration my preface about me suffering from depression, and how I admit that depression makes you become very negative. I wrote him an email apologizing for part of my behavior already.

[ADF]

I feel like no one took into consideration my preface about me suffering from depression, and how I admit that depression makes you become very negative. I wrote him an email apologizing for part of my behavior already.

 

I suffer from depression, too. I learned long ago that no one cares that I suffer from depression. Sorry to say this, but if you think anyone is going to give you a break because you suffer from depression, you're mistaken.

[pandagirl]

I suffer from depression, too. I learned long ago that no one cares that I suffer from depression. Sorry to say this, but if you think anyone is going to give you a break because you suffer from depression, you're mistaken.

 

I think you are wrong, but I am sorry you feel that way. The thing about depression is you have to be aware of it and how it is affecting people and yourself. If you can communicate properly with the people around you, then people tend to be quite understanding.

 

I just talked to my boyfriend, explaining and talking to him. He told me that I handled everything great in the end, and that he knows I am going through a tough time, and he should've been there for me. At the same time, I know I did overreact and I apologized for it. He told me that my depression doesn't scare him and that he's always here for me.

 

I feel better about things, but I am learning that depression + LDRs is a tricky mix.

[Yamaha]

I have had the same situation happen to me and my gf. I can tell you that you shouldn't take it personally but it is disrespectful, to you. My gf sometimes does this and it used to irk me to no end. I told her several times to stop telling me she would call back when in fact she doesn't. We fought many times and finally she understands my position. It took me awhile so let him know when something bothers you but don't blow it out of proportion either.

[aerogurl87]

Your overreacting but hopefully your boyfriend can see it's the depression that's causing you to freak out and this isn't your normal state of mind. My ex was a manic depressant and when his episodes came (and they were horrible) I always reminded myself that I was not dealing with him, but the manic depressant inside of him and I chose to tread carefully.

[shadowplay]

Be careful about pushing his limits, Pandagirl. I did this a bit with my most recent ex and lived to regret it.

[shadowplay]

I think you are wrong, but I am sorry you feel that way. The thing about depression is you have to be aware of it and how it is affecting people and yourself. If you can communicate properly with the people around you, then people tend to be quite understanding.

 

I just talked to my boyfriend, explaining and talking to him. He told me that I handled everything great in the end, and that he knows I am going through a tough time, and he should've been there for me. At the same time, I know I did overreact and I apologized for it. He told me that my depression doesn't scare him and that he's always here for me.

 

I feel better about things, but I am learning that depression + LDRs is a tricky mix.

 

I agree with ADF, unfortunately. No boyfriend I've had has ever been understanding about my depression. Even if they insist they are, they eventually throw it back in my face or use it as justification for breaking up with me. Sadly nobody wants to be with somebody who is depressed. It's fine to let him know that you have it, but I would never use it as an excuse for bad behavior. And just in general try not to talk about it much; it drains the relationship.

[shadowplay]

I just talked to my boyfriend, explaining and talking to him. He told me that I handled everything great in the end, and that he knows I am going through a tough time, and he should've been there for me. At the same time, I know I did overreact and I apologized for it. He told me that my depression doesn't scare him and that he's always here for me.

.

 

This is what he is telling you to resolve the conflict and move on, but you don't know how he really feels. Your reaction may have freaked him out, and he may be filing it away somewhere. If it becomes a pattern, he will likely retrieve that file.

Edited April 22, 2010 by shadowplay

[pandagirl]

I agree with ADF, unfortunately. No boyfriend I've had has ever been understanding about my depression. Even if they insist they are, they eventually throw it back in my face or use it as justification for breaking up with me. Sadly nobody wants to be with somebody who is depressed. It's fine to let him know that you have it, but I would never use it as an excuse for bad behavior. And just in general try not to talk about it much; it drains the relationship.

 

Who knows, maybe depression will be a factor in some future unforeseen break up, but I'm not always depressed, even though I have suffered from it my entire life. It's not that I'm even an unhappy person -- just that the chemicals in my brain go berserk sometimes.

 

I don't know if this makes a difference, but I actively treat my depression. I go to therapy. I was on anti-depressants -- which did me good -- until I got kicked off my insurance, but it kicks back in next month, so I'll be booking an appt to refill my prescription very soon.

 

But yes, it DOES drain a relationship, which I am mindful of. It DOES affect friendships and relationships, which I experiences in my early 20s, but now I'm 31 and know how to deal with things (most of the time).

[pandagirl]

This is what he is telling you to resolve the conflict and move on, but you don't know how he really feels. Your reaction may have freaked him out, and he may be filing it away somewhere. If it becomes a pattern, he will likely retrieve that file.

 

SP, no offense, but your comments are based on your own personal experiences. I'm not mind-reader, but my boyfriend was not placating me and I didn't "freak him out." Yes, perhaps he will keep this in the back of his mind, but don't we all keep a file? I know I do.

[shadowplay]

SP, no offense, but your comments are based on your own personal experiences. I'm not mind-reader, but my boyfriend was not placating me and I didn't "freak him out." Yes, perhaps he will keep this in the back of his mind, but don't we all keep a file? I know I do.

 

Exactly, you're not a mind-reader. The point is you just don't know how he actually feels, which is why you should try to control yourself in the future.

 

I'm not trying to offend you either. This sounds like the kind of thing I might do when I'm feeling depressed. But you really should be careful about pushing people's limits because they are often narrower than you might think.

[pandagirl]

Exactly, you're not a mind-reader. The point is you just don't know how he actually feels, which is why you should try to control yourself in the future.

 

I'm not trying to offend you either. This sounds like the kind of thing I might do when I'm feeling depressed. But you really should be careful about pushing people's limits because they are often narrower than you might think.

 

Totally not offended. And yes, this is how our brains work when we're depressed. I don't know if I will ever hold back how I'm actually feeling, but the key is to do it in a way where you're communicating and not just lashing out.

[Kamille]

It doesn't matter so much whether or not you over-reacted. What matters is how you resolve it and what you both learn from it. And it sounds like you're already well on way.

 

But... I have to say: 5 calls, 1 vm and a couple of texts? I'm way too proud to honor anyone with such a strong attempt at contact. And if it was, as I gather it to be, the diabetes that justified these calls, then I suggest you talk to your bf more about how he manages his diabetes. It sounds like you might have used the disease to justify your calling him. In doing so, you also probably worked yourself up a lot more then was necessary. (Although, I would also be pissed if bf missed a phone date!)

[D-Lish]

Yeah, you did over-react a little Panda, but it's not a deal-breaker girl.

 

I get whacked out on a monthly basis with my cycle, and I've regretted some of my "finer moments" related to that.

 

As we've talked about- I have depression and anxiety as well. I am prone to reacting without thinking during some of those moments. I remember the first time I had an outburst with my x-husband after about 6 months, his face was like this --->.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, but def learn to take a deep breath the next time you feel this way and reign it in.

 

You were justified being angry, he should have called like he said he was going to.

 

My ex-h had 2 sisters that were crazier than me, so he was more understanding than most guys.

 

You aplogized for your reaction, and he apologized for his part in it- it's now really important to let it go.

[pandagirl]

It doesn't matter so much whether or not you over-reacted. What matters is how you resolve it and what you both learn from it. And it sounds like you're already well on way.

 

But... I have to say: 5 calls, 1 vm and a couple of texts? I'm way too proud to honor anyone with such a strong attempt at contact. And if it was, as I gather it to be, the diabetes that justified these calls, then I suggest you talk to your bf more about how he manages his diabetes. It sounds like you might have used the disease to justify your calling him. In doing so, you also probably worked yourself up a lot more then was necessary. (Although, I would also be pissed if bf missed a phone date!)

 

Our conflict resolution, in general, is really good, because neither one of us is too proud to admit when we're wrong nor too stubborn not to reach a compromise or agreement.

 

Yeah, I definitely went off the deep end a little bit last night. I was hysterical. It was like watching myself in slow motion....doooonn'tttt doooooo ittttttt. But when the brain chemicals tell you to, it's really hard to think rationally, despite knowing what is right. Hard to explain.

 

If he had just forgotten, fine...not good, but fine. I just don't like that he ignored my attempts. I mean, what if something was really wrong?

 

As for the diabetes, it is a genuine concern of mine. He was here last week and one night he got sick and was acting incoherent, so I had to help his test his blood and he was SUPER low. I had to run out at midnight to get more orange juice. Seriously, it was like Steel Magnolias!

[pandagirl]

Yeah, you did over-react a little Panda, but it's not a deal-breaker girl.

 

I get whacked out on a monthly basis with my cycle, and I've regretted some of my "finer moments" related to that.

 

As we've talked about- I have depression and anxiety as well. I am prone to reacting without thinking during some of those moments. I remember the first time I had an outburst with my x-husband after about 6 months, his face was like this --->.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, but def learn to take a deep breath the next time you feel this way and reign it in.

 

You were justified being angry, he should have called like he said he was going to.

 

My ex-h had 2 sisters that were crazier than me, so he was more understanding than most guys.

 

You aplogized for your reaction, and he apologized for his part in it- it's now really important to let it go.

 

My boyfriend has family members with depression, so he is not scared off by it. I didn't see his face, but I think he was a little with me today!

 

I know you can relate, D. Without my pills, reigning in the monster is almost impossible, even though I can see it happening.

[D-Lish]

My boyfriend has family members with depression, so he is not scared off by it. I didn't see his face, but I think he was a little with me today!

 

I know you can relate, D. Without my pills, reigning in the monster is almost impossible, even though I can see it happening.

 

I am learning to master it. Remember when we were kids and adults told us to take a deep breath and count to ten? I am embarrassed to say I use that technique, and it works.

 

It may have morphed into take a deep breath and count to 100,000- but it does work for me. When i get crazy mad, I take a step back and think it over before I react. That has resulted in me boiling up during a face to face and then walking out in order to catch my breath and mull it over, but it works. I lash out reactively a lot less.

 

You guys are long distance, and when he didn't call, he gave you reason to worry. I am sure by the time he did contact you, you were freaking out, with a ton of bad scenario's in your head.

 

In that situation, I am sure when he finally did call and you knew he was okay, it was party-time for anger.

 

I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell someone you are mad and you want to revisit the arguement when you have a clearer head.

 

It is true that we don't get a free pass because we have depression, anxiety, etc. We just don't, and we have to be understanding about that too.

[Star Gazer]

You totally overreacted, but you handled yourself well after the fact by owning up to it and apologizing.

 

But I really need to caution you, PG, to be very careful about assuming that your BF will be okay with further tantrums just because you have depression. Most people are not tolerant of poor behavior, regardless of where it comes from. Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens to us. Govern yourself accordingly.

 

And in all honesty, I also fail to understand how depression would make you act like the stereotypical crazy, controlling GF. (Not saying that's what you ARE a crazy, controlling GF, but it is kinda how you acted. ) I can understand breaking down in tears or panicking or assuming the worst, but not laying into him the way you did.

[pandagirl]

You totally overreacted, but you handled yourself well after the fact by owning up to it and apologizing.

 

But I really need to caution you, PG, to be very careful about assuming that your BF will be okay with further tantrums just because you have depression. Most people are not tolerant of poor behavior, regardless of where it comes from. Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens to us. Govern yourself accordingly.

 

And in all honesty, I also fail to understand how depression would make you act like the stereotypical crazy, controlling GF. (Not saying that's what you ARE a crazy, controlling GF, but it is kinda how you acted. ) I can understand breaking down in tears or panicking or assuming the worst, but not laying into him the way you did.

 

I guess in my head crazy equates "tears, panicking and assuming the worst." I become a fatalist, I get scared and go into a spiral of doom. I didn't scream or yell at him or anything like that, but that fact that I RARELY ever get angry and expressing to him how displeased I was way out of character for me. (Also, it doesn't for me, but depression does manifest in anger often.)

 

Was my behavior poor? I think it was frustrating and difficult to deal with, but I didn't treated him poorly, call him names, or scream at him. Everything was said calmly, but I guess I just really laid it on him in the sense I wouldn't let up. I still think his behavior was poor, ignoring my call for three hours while drinking and not being considerate.

[Star Gazer]

Was my behavior poor? I think it was frustrating and difficult to deal with, but I didn't treated him poorly, call him names, or scream at him. Everything was said calmly, but I guess I just really laid it on him in the sense I wouldn't let up. I still think his behavior was poor, ignoring my call for three hours while drinking and not being considerate.

 

I think yours was, yes. Depression or not, you behaved in a controlling, crazy-girlfriend way... the kind of way that makes most guys run for the hills. FIVE (5) calls, a VM, a couple texts...all during a period of time when you know he's out with his friends drinking? And then the next day laying into him and not giving up?

 

And I don't think his behavior was bad at all, particularly compared to yours. In fact, I don't even think I'd call it inconsiderate. Just inattentive, but can you blame him? Every guy deserves some down time without feeling like he has a ball and chain. I mean, do you really think he was ignoring you, or was he just out with his buddies drinking and paying attention to THEM? Should his attention be on you 24/7? Even when drunk with his friends? I think not. But you, apparently, do.

 

To me, that expectation alone would be a dealbreaker.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or harsh here, PG. But I know how much you're into this guy, so I'd be very careful.

[pandagirl]

I think yours was, yes. Depression or not, you behaved in a controlling, crazy-girlfriend way... the kind of way that makes most guys run for the hills. FIVE (5) calls, a VM, a couple texts...all during a period of time when you know he's out with his friends drinking? And then the next day laying into him and not giving up?

 

And I don't think his behavior was bad at all, particularly compared to yours. In fact, I don't even think I'd call it inconsiderate. Just inattentive, but can you blame him? Every guy deserves some down time without feeling like he has a ball and chain. I mean, do you really think he was ignoring you, or was he just out with his buddies drinking and paying attention to THEM? Should his attention be on you 24/7? Even when drunk with his friends? I think not. But you, apparently, do.

 

To me, that expectation alone would be a dealbreaker.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or harsh here, PG. But I know how much you're into this guy, so I'd be very careful.

 

Dude, I don't care if he gets drunk, stays out late, or hangs out with his guy friends. I'm not a girl who has any interest in holding their boyfriend by the nuts. And his down time is every day, since he lives 1,000 miles away from me.

 

When you never get to see your SO, all you have to go on, to feel connected by, is a stupid phone call. So when someone says they're going to call, and ignores your contact, it's not really cool. Also, I know he is attached to the hip with his stupid iPhone. When we're hanging out, he often times texts people back while I'm there, so I know he's quite capable of saying a simple, "Out late, call you tomorrow." If that would've been done, this whole thing would have never happened.