First real fight, did I over-react?

[sweetjasmine]

I know that you do live in an idealistic world Kamille because you probably never had to deal with admiting to a guy that you have depressive episodes/panic attacks or other emotional issues and then watch that guy screw you over and hold it agianst it you.

 

The problem is you're taking that observation/experience, running with it, and then making the claim that apologizing is a sign of weakness and that you should never apologize.

 

That doesn't follow.

 

Kamille hit the nail on the head. There's a difference between apologizing as a way of accepting responsibility for your screw-up and apologizing as a way of groveling and manipulating. I will never think less of someone who apologizes for their mistakes and is actually apologizing instead of trying to manipulate me into feeling pity.

[Star Gazer]

There is a difference between an apology where one takes responsibility for their action and an apology that's basically groveling for the other person's approval.

 

Instance one: I over-reacted and I apologize. I realize I could have communicated differently. Here is the point I was trying to make. (Happened to me with bf, see my last thread.).

 

Instance two: I'm so sorry I over-reacted, I am the pits, how can you possibly want to be with me, please don't leave me! (Or hold this against me).

 

I can see how apology two would leave someone uneasy, but feel that apology one only leaves room for growth.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

A sincere apology with an explanation about how it could've been handled better will always look better than begging and groveling for forgiveness. If the first option doesn't speak confidence, I don't know what does.

[Romance]

I would have freaked out too. I think it is inconsiderate for him to not at least SAY "hey im with my friends drinking, i'll text you in the morning!"

 

something. like, that's just unacceptable imo.

[Jilly Bean]

Ouch, PG.

 

I can't get my hands around your extreme reaction as being caused by depression, or extreme concern about his health.

 

First off, if your BF is diabetic, he shouldn't be drinking at all. Does he inject insulin? Or take pills?

 

I'm sure he was busy with his friends, and not purposely ignoring you. Most men do not want to appear pussy-whipped in front of their friends, so I'm sure he was putting off responding so as not to be embarrassed and ribbed by his buddies. Guys can be ruthless in packs about this kind of thing. Particularly if they are younger.

 

Overall, I think it's important to not excuse what happened (your reaction), and not blame-shift. I don't think him not responding for a few hours warranted either the stalking, or the reaming the next day.

 

Take the time to really be honest with yourself about what made you go to that ugly place. There was some trigger that made you flip out, and I suspect it more lies within your dynamic with him, history with someone else, or your own issues. Something set you off, and you spun yourself out of control. What is it about him not being responsive that made you react as you did? Did you think he was out cheating? Think it meant he no longer cares for you? Assume he was doing it to be spiteful, or play games? Figure out why, so this doesn't repeat. As the others have pointed out ad naseum, this is the kind of thing that makes (healthy) men bolt.

[pandagirl]

Ouch, PG.

 

I can't get my hands around your extreme reaction as being caused by depression, or extreme concern about his health.

 

First off, if your BF is diabetic, he shouldn't be drinking at all. Does he inject insulin? Or take pills?

 

I'm sure he was busy with his friends, and not purposely ignoring you. Most men do not want to appear pussy-whipped in front of their friends, so I'm sure he was putting off responding so as not to be embarrassed and ribbed by his buddies. Guys can be ruthless in packs about this kind of thing. Particularly if they are younger.

 

Overall, I think it's important to not excuse what happened (your reaction), and not blame-shift. I don't think him not responding for a few hours warranted either the stalking, or the reaming the next day.

 

Take the time to really be honest with yourself about what made you go to that ugly place. There was some trigger that made you flip out, and I suspect it more lies within your dynamic with him, history with someone else, or your own issues. Something set you off, and you spun yourself out of control. What is it about him not being responsive that made you react as you did? Did you think he was out cheating? Think it meant he no longer cares for you? Assume he was doing it to be spiteful, or play games? Figure out why, so this doesn't repeat. As the others have pointed out ad naseum, this is the kind of thing that makes (healthy) men bolt.

 

He's Type 1, so he injects insulin several times a day. I personally do not think he should drink as much as he does, but he's the one who has been living with it his entire life, so I don't feel I can get all Dr. Pandagirl on him. I DO lightly suggest things though.

 

It wasn't just him not responding. It was a combination of him saying he would call (something important in a LDR), and him blatantly ignoring my calls. The first time I called was three hours *before* I called/texted him several times -- that's when I got panicky. It was the lack of thoughtfulness on his part that really upset me. That being said, everyone makes mistakes once in a while.

 

In a way, though the argument started off manic, it ended in a very communicative and caring discussion about what happened. We talked about everything in a calm matter, came to an understanding. He apologized for his part, I apologized for my part, how we could prevent it from happening again, and now it's over.

 

But, yes, I do realize it triggered something, and I'm aware of it. Also, I don't know what people are envisioning, but I didn't go ape**** on him. It was more that...I just wouldn't let it go, a lot of: "I can't believe you did this," "This hurt me," "This was so inconsiderate of you," etc.

 

I'm not using my depression as an excuse at all, but it did contribute to the problem. I have typical depression symptoms: anxiety, hopelessness, pessimism, irritability, insomnia, etc. I'm not special because of this, but sometimes, yes, it IS going to affect your behavior differently.

[Star Gazer]

But, yes, I do realize it triggered something, and I'm aware of it. Also, I don't know what people are envisioning, but I didn't go ape**** on him. It was more that...I just wouldn't let it go, a lot of: "I can't believe you did this," "This hurt me," "This was so inconsiderate of you," etc.

 

Apesh*t doesn't need to involve yelling or throwing things, it can be just what you describe you did... you wouldn't let up.

[Jilly Bean]

PG, Im sorry, but I really think you're over-rationalizing what you did, now that it's the light of day.

 

Your reaction was far out of the realm of normalcy, or even something acceptable. I agree with Star, here. Just because you didn't get abusive to the point of name-calling, doesn't mean that your reaction was still appropriate or fair. The things you still said, and felt, really weren't legitimate, considering his offense was not calling you, and then ignoring your calls.

 

I still think the larger, and deeper issue, is that it triggered something else. Something that had very little to do with him, and very little to do with his not calling.

 

THAT is what this is really all about, PG. Not the smoke screen of depression, diabetes, or a BF who doesn't call one time when he said he would.

[pandagirl]

PG, Im sorry, but I really think you're over-rationalizing what you did, now that it's the light of day.

 

Your reaction was far out of the realm of normalcy, or even something acceptable. I agree with Star, here. Just because you didn't get abusive to the point of name-calling, doesn't mean that your reaction was still appropriate or fair. The things you still said, and felt, really weren't legitimate, considering his offense was not calling you, and then ignoring your calls.

 

I still think the larger, and deeper issue, is that it triggered something else. Something that had very little to do with him, and very little to do with his not calling.

 

THAT is what this is really all about, PG. Not the smoke screen of depression, diabetes, or a BF who doesn't call one time when he said he would.

 

I'm not saying I didn't over-react, but I do think I handled it properly, by apologizing, explaining and communicating effectively.

 

The root cause is that I don't completely trust him yet. He hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise, but him not calling triggered that fear. It's hard for me to trust people and he knows this. It's not that I can't, but it just takes time for me. Seeing we'd only been dating two months before he moved away, that wasn't enough time for me to build that trust.

 

That being said, it has been building gradually since he's left. We are both figuring out this LDR thing -- the first one for both of us -- what we need and what works for us.

 

I am over what happened a couple days ago and we have happily moved on. I do need to be more mindful of my actions when I am in a negative space and emotionally volatile, and that's just a work in progress for me.

[shadowplay]

I'm not saying I didn't over-react, but I do think I handled it properly, by apologizing, explaining and communicating effectively.

 

The root cause is that I don't completely trust him yet. He hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise, but him not calling triggered that fear. It's hard for me to trust people and he knows this. It's not that I can't, but it just takes time for me. Seeing we'd only been dating two months before he moved away, that wasn't enough time for me to build that trust.

 

That being said, it has been building gradually since he's left. We are both figuring out this LDR thing -- the first one for both of us -- what we need and what works for us.

 

I am over what happened a couple days ago and we have happily moved on. I do need to be more mindful of my actions when I am in a negative space and emotionally volatile, and that's just a work in progress for me.

 

PG it's OK if you don't trust him yet. Actually, it's healthy because you don't really know him that well. You'll start trusting him when you've been together for awhile and you have reason to.

 

I think part of the problem is your brain may be seeing it in black and white. Instead of accepting the doubt of not trusting him yet, it's an either or thing. Because you were trying hard to trust him rather than letting it happen naturally, you freaked when he did the slightest thing to call into question that trust.

 

This is a sign that you're not ready to trust him, and, as I said, that's OK. Just accept the feeling.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I couldn't agree more.

 

A sincere apology with an explanation about how it could've been handled better will always look better than begging and groveling for forgiveness. If the first option doesn't speak confidence, I don't know what does.

 

Everyone messes up once in a while. Apologizing when you do is healthy and can create a stronger bond with the other person.

 

However, there are people like me that are emotionally volatile and impulsive, who mess up and over-react a lot more often than an average person. If I were to apologize for every single time it happens - I would look even emotionally messier than I already do. I have tried it both ways, and it has just worked better for me not to apologize every single time. Of course, the real challenge for me is better impulse control and not to mess up in the first place and that is something I have been working on for a while now. I am just saying that in my case, doing damage control by apologizing creates even more damage.

[Jilly Bean]

I'm not saying I didn't over-react, but I do think I handled it properly, by apologizing, explaining and communicating effectively.

 

The root cause is that I don't completely trust him yet. He hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise, but him not calling triggered that fear. It's hard for me to trust people and he knows this. It's not that I can't, but it just takes time for me. Seeing we'd only been dating two months before he moved away, that wasn't enough time for me to build that trust.

 

That being said, it has been building gradually since he's left. We are both figuring out this LDR thing -- the first one for both of us -- what we need and what works for us.

 

Well, you handled the post-blow-up well, but the fact that it happened at all is the problem.

 

So, there we have it. Trust issues rearing that ugly head. Then it appears that because someone else betrayed your trust (and probably in a really bad way, too) in the past, that you took that hurt and pain, put it into this situation (un-earned by your BF) and went overboard. It was a trauma/drama retrigger.

[shadowplay]

Well, you handled the post-blow-up well, but the fact that it happened at all is the problem.

 

So, there we have it. Trust issues rearing that ugly head. Then it appears that because someone else betrayed your trust (and probably in a really bad way, too) in the past, that you took that hurt and pain, put it into this situation (un-earned by your BF) and went overboard. It was a trauma/drama retrigger.

 

I read somewhere recently that people who are emotionally healthy are able to tolerate uncertainty, rather than thinking in black and white.

 

PG, I'm not saying you're not healthy, but I think this is a lesson you could probably benefit from. (It's something I've struggled with as well.)

 

You need to come to terms with the fact that you can't trust your boyfriend 100%, at least at this point. If you accept that, then every little minor grievance he commits won't be so threatening, because it won't be challenging a flimsy veneer of trust you've built up in your head.

 

If you accept grays, you'll also allow him some human imperfections. Just because he misses your calls on one night doesn't mean he doesn't love you or he's not trustworthy.

Edited April 24, 2010 by shadowplay

[pandagirl]

PG it's OK if you don't trust him yet. Actually, it's healthy because you don't really know him that well. You'll start trusting him when you've been together for awhile and you have reason to.

 

I think part of the problem is your brain may be seeing it in black and white. Instead of accepting the doubt of not trusting him yet, it's an either or thing. Because you were trying hard to trust him rather than letting it happen naturally, you freaked when he did the slightest thing to call into question that trust.

 

This is a sign that you're not ready to trust him, and, as I said, that's OK. Just accept the feeling.

 

I trust him in a lot of ways, but not completely yet. I'm slow to trust, even with friends. I know that you have to get to know someone REALLY well -- observe their actions, see how they treat others, watch their habits -- to understand who they really are. And this just takes TIME. More than 4.5 months at least!

 

I'm a warm and caring person, but I'm just afraid of getting hurt, so people can only get so close to me. I love my boyfriend, but I know I'm not in love with him because I can't allow myself to feel that vulnerable to him. I feel moments of it, but I push them away because it feels...scary. I just end up being hyper defensive to "protect" myself.

 

I know everyone has felt/feels this way. But it's a major obstacle for me.

[pandagirl]

I read somewhere recently that people who are emotionally healthy are able to tolerate uncertainty, rather than thinking in black and white.

 

PG, I'm not saying you're not healthy, but I think this is a lesson you could probably benefit from. (It's something I've struggled with as well.)

 

You need to come to terms with the fact that you can't trust your boyfriend 100%, at least at this point. If you accept that, then every little minor grievance he commits won't be so threatening, because it won't be challenging a flimsy veneer of trust you've built up in your head.

 

If you accept grays, you'll also allow him some human imperfections. Just because he misses your calls on one night doesn't mean he doesn't love you or he's not trustworthy.

 

Well, this is what I'm in therapy for and working on! I will venture to say that I am an emotionally healthy person, because though I have the tendencies towards think in black and white amongst other things, I recognize that it's not healthy and that I need to adjust my thought processes, which I work on through CBT.

 

This is why medication worked so well for me. When I'm on meds, if I catch myself thinking irrationally, I can talk myself out of it and that's it. When I'm not on meds, no matter how much I know that I'm being irrational, I can't make myself think otherwise.

 

And yes, I HATE UNCERTAINTY. I think one of the contributing factors for my blow up the other day is that everything in my life is in a state of flux and I can't stand it. Work, career, where I live, boyfriend 1000 miles away, etc. There's nothing that is a sure thing in my life right now. I need to be grounded in some way.