Dealing with sex

[lilagirl]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

[ADF]

I assume you're not present when your MM is having this awful, obligatory sex with his wife. You must be relying on what he tells you about it. How do you know any of what he's telling you is true?

[lilagirl]

I assume you're not present when your MM is having this awful, obligatory sex with his wife. You must be relying on what he tells you about it. How do you know any of what he's telling you is true?

 

Good point... for now... I just know...

[jwi71]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

"obligatory sex" - unreal.

Will you wait for him to decide after she gets pregnant?

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

You two talk about, in detail, their lovemaking??!?

Are you two perchance being intimate during this discussion?

 

. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making.

So he's "trying to decide" to leave or not all the while keeping up appearances at home by having "obligatory sex" with his W.

Routinely.

 

Its hard to really comment on this w/o more of your story...how you met, his story etc...otherwise all I can do is give snap judgments on your words out of context. That's not fair to you or him (and clearly doesn't stop me...but it makes me nervous to speak).

 

He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

Wow. I can't believe he actually said.

I can't believe you didn't slap the hell out of him and walk after he said that. Because he basically said "I'll drop you like a hot potato when my W finds out".

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

Not likely....

 

I asked above and I guess a better description of his M and your A is order before I truly comment.

 

Care to share with us so we can comment...its hard to provide advice and insight on so little.

[TaraMaiden]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

I'm sorry, I'm finding this very hard to digest, or believe, even.

 

Because by-and-large, (and I realise I might be generalising here, but I don't think I'm toooo far off the mark) while women need emotional and heartfelt reasons to have sex with a man, a man is more propelled by the physical desire and visual context to be turned on...

in other words, women tend to gravitate towards the hearts and roses aspect, whilst men are more stimulated by the stocking and suspender stimulation.

if she's not floating his boat, how the hell is he managing to fake it and get hard enough to give her what she wants?

I mean, if it was really such a nerve-wracking and physically challenging ordeal - I really think he'd have immense difficulty maintaining an erection.

The added pressure of the fact that it's clockwork predictable, and knowing you get jealous, and that you know about it, and that he's expected to perform to order, and do the deed.... well, that would just completely knock even getting a woody on the head.

 

Someone here isn't being completely honest.

And I don't think it's you.

 

And I'm sorry, what does this mean? Am I reading this right?

He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

Are you trying to say that currently, he feels absolutely nothing for his wife whilst plunging it between her legs (if indeed he is that dispassionate about it), but if he did begin to have feelings for her, and found he was warming to her and feeling love for her as he once did, he would make every effort to perpetuate and encourage that feeling to grow?

If that's the case, you need him to know that when he goes to his wife for this compulsory six-week sex episode - he stay there.

This tells me you are an amusing sideline, and that should things improve back home, you may well be history.

If that's the case.

And if it IS the case - you are on to a complete and utter losing game.

because if he were really committed to making you a priority, instead of an option, he would make it clear to his wife that he's not some kind of a performing seal, and that things are breaking down to the extent that separation is a real and present possibility. With a view to Divorce.

He's dangling you as a side bonus.

He has the best of both worlds, and he's milking it for all he's worth.

 

On the pure basis of what you've told us, that's what I think.

[jennie-jennie]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

I hear you. My MM used to have sex once every so seldom with his wife too. It was very hard on me. Luckily he has quit that since a year back. I got an appointment at the doctor's so I will have to keep my answer short, but

 

Good point... for now... I just know...

 

don't let anyone talk you into not trusting your MM. I too do just know.

[shadowofman]

Oh what diluted lives. Sex with the wife is soooooooooooo horrible. Hahaha. He almost couldn't do it. Haha.

 

Never underestimate a man's ability to hate**** a woman that irritates him.

[TaraMaiden]

Which would imply that he is capable of turning off his feelings and acting from a purely carnal standpoint.

And therefore capable of turning them back on when it comes to the 'wailing and gnashing of teeth'.

 

Yay for the OP.

On both counts.

 

 

jennie-jennie - given that her MM is a lying, cheating fornicating two-faced liar - what's to trust?

[pureinheart]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

Wow..this is way too much for both of you..it's reminds me of torment. I don't know how to say this, I don't want to hurt you, although Tara is right about the errection thing.

 

ExDM's kids, during their harrassment, said something like, "dad hasn't been able to get it up for about 2 yrs now"....we never talked about his sex life though as he and I were not having sex....man I don't know how you can handle hearing about it...

 

I don't know what to say...

[jennie-jennie]

Which would imply that he is capable of turning off his feelings and acting from a purely carnal standpoint.

And therefore capable of turning them back on when it comes to the 'wailing and gnashing of teeth'.

 

Yay for the OP.

On both counts.

 

 

jennie-jennie - given that her MM is a lying, cheating fornicating two-faced liar - what's to trust?

 

I fail to see the benefit with a post like this. Lila is obviously content for now with her relationship, and she trusts her MM. Are you trying to save her from something she does not have a need to be saved from? Do you know better than she does what goes on in her life?

 

Lila specifically asked:

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs.

 

Do you, as an AP, have any experience of your own on this subject to share with Lila?

[TaraMaiden]

Yes. Run for the hills, it will only end in tears.

 

 

But as stated, really, we need to know more about their relationship in order to give a more measured and accurate response. I'm looking at what we have been given thus far, so my response is purely within those parameters.

We get to know more, my response may well modify.

I freely admit that.....

 

I hope your Doctor's appointment went ok.

[shadowofman]

It's quite possible to get an erection for someone that you don't love. And indeed for someone that is not that attractive. Also possible have erection failure for someone you do love or are attracted to. They act on pure subconsciousness. Sometime the nervous or challenging ordeal could create the most intense erection. It's a matter of blood flow and vasodilation.

 

The simplest explanation here is that he loves you both. And he probably has a certain amount of contempt for his wife in addition to the love that he obvious still has for her.

[jennie-jennie]

I hope your Doctor's appointment went ok.

 

Are you serious? I am still on the run getting ready to go. Or... do you think I made up the doctor's appointment? Perhaps I too am a compulsive liar?

 

Wow..this is way too much for both of you..it's reminds me of torment. I don't know how to say this, I don't want to hurt you, although Tara is right about the errection thing.

 

ExDM's kids, during their harrassment, said something like, "dad hasn't been able to get it up for about 2 yrs now"....we never talked about his sex life though as he and I were not having sex....man I don't know how you can handle hearing about it...

 

I don't know what to say...

 

I had sex, good sex, with my SO for 1 1/2 years into the affair. My MM had sex with his wife for 3 1/2 years into the affair. You can enjoy sex with two lovers, although you are only in love with one of them.

[TaraMaiden]

Are you serious? I am still on the run getting ready to go. Or... do you think I made up the doctor's appointment? Perhaps I too am a compulsive liar?

 

No, I'm serious. I lived three doors down from my doctor's clinic, so anything's possible. I was being sincere.

Interesting though how mistrust can arise out of a seriously meant and innocent comment. And I even put a smiley....

 

 

 

I had sex, good sex, with my SO for 1 1/2 years into the affair. My MM had sex with his wife for 3 1/2 years into the affair. You can enjoy sex with two lovers, although you are only in love with one of them.

Interesting choice of words there.

you can "Enjoy" sex with two "Lovers"....

 

I thought the whole point of the OP was that he doesn't enjoy sex with his wife and there is no mention of her being a 'lover'... unless he finds his feelings for her increase, that is.... then the OPoster's in trouble.....

 

Just interesting....

[shadowofman]

Fair enough. Sex and good sex are completely possible without love. But if your getting jealous over your MM's marital sex, then you are obviously denying the fact that he might still love his wife. Might not. Either way, more love is better than less love. :peace:

More sex is better than less sex.

[jennie-jennie]

Lila, this is my experience of dealing with my MM having sex with his wife.

 

In the beginning of our relationship both MM and I experienced a boost in our sex lives with our respective partners. We were at this time only having an EA.

 

It didn't take long though before MM was so torn by guilt and confusion that he began to have problems with ED, especially when he was with his wife. I guess he overcame this when he came to accept our relationship and stopped trying to break up with me every now and then.

 

My MM and his wife now continued their infrequent sex life from earlier. My MM would never tell me when they had had sex, but once in a while I would ask him and he would tell the truth. From the time on after I had broken up with my SO, I never liked it, it was hard on me. I considered it cheating. He knew this, and he explained it with that he had to keep up a normal appearance of a marriage since he was not ready to get a divorce or even tell the truth about the affair. He was afraid a non-existant sex life would lead to questions from the BS.

 

My MM never liked when I asked him about his sex life. Sometimes he would get angry, which is very atypical for him, but I guess who wouldn't, given I sent a text message asking if he had had sex lately with his wife when he was sitting with his family at an important gathering at school.

 

Anyway, it became longer and longer between the times they had sex. Until finally after several months of no marital sex and right after our NC period last fall, my MM responded to my question that he thought he could promise that he was not going to have sex with his wife anymore as long as he and I were in a relationship together. We have an agreement however that we are not bound by promises forever, they are an expression of his/my will at the moment and this might change. If he changes his mind he is the one responsible for telling me, I don't have to ask. Still I have asked at times, and he has confirmed the no sex.

 

I have asked him why don't you just stretch out your arm when in bed, you have a woman available to you right there. He says he has discovered he does not want to, she is not the woman he desires.

 

My MM's stopping to have sex with his wife, coincided with he and I growing closer and closer, and him stopping to say that he loved his wife when I pressured him about us.

 

Also my MM's fears about his wife getting suspicious of the no sex life have not been fulfilled. She has not brought up the subject.

 

My conclusion is, at least in my case, that my MM needed to move even closer to me and further from his wife to not have a desire to have a sex life with her. I saw this happen with myself and my SO as well, only it went quicker with me.

 

So that's my story, Lila, don't know if it is of any help to you, but I hope so.

[jennie-jennie]

I reread your original post, Lila, and I see there is a difference between our MM's situation. My MM's wife never initiates sex. I don't know if he would have had it in him to actually turn her down.

[jthorne]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

Hmmm... This isn't sitting well with me. I certainly don't mean to be harsh, but like Tara said, this is very hard to digest. It seems to me that if a MAN was getting so nervous about having sex with the woman he married (yet he was still able to perform the deed), and then crying after it, that would be enough for him to make a decision. What man do you know that cries after having an orgasm? I don't know any. If his guilt was THAT strong, he'd stop what he was doing. And I personally think it's pretty heartless of him to discuss his sex life with you, knowing how it hurts you. I really feel for you, having to put up with this cowardly behavior.

 

I don't know how to tell you to cope with it. Either tell him to stop having sex with her, or stop talking to you about it. Since you can't control anyone in the situation but yourself, maybe YOU could stop having sex with him until he's divorced. Things would be easier for everyone involved.

Edited April 22, 2010 by jthorne

[Samantha0905]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

I can only speak for myself, and I'm not saying this as trying to say it's a good thing about me -- but I only had sex once with my spouse while having the affair with my XAP -- and that was a time when I was so drunk I didn't know we had sex until he told me the next morning.

 

In any event, I realize it sounds crazy given I was able to have an extramarital affair -- but I was not able to have sex with both my husband and my XAP while having the affair.

 

Your AP does not HAVE to have sex with his wife -- he's choosing to do so.

 

And in response to what jthorne said, I agree -- it's very ODD for a man to cry after an orgasm -- and I'm embarrassed to say this -- but it's EXACTLY what my XAP did to me when the first time we had a sexual encounter. I think it's something manipulative a person does to prove they are a good person who really doesn't want to have an affair. They lay all this stuff out there about feeling guilty about what they are doing -- yet continue to do it repeatedly. It is BIZARRE behavior.

 

It was also very, very awkward for me. I think it's all BS. Heck the tears don't come until AFTER the orgasm, right?

 

It sounds like your AP is doing this as a bizarre way to make everything dramatic and a way to get attention -- "Poor baby. I'm so sorry you're being made to do what you don't really want to do. I will support you." Good grief! Are you holding a gun to his head? Is his wife? I don't mean this in an ugly manner, but it's a victim routine and I don't care for it.

 

Are you single? You're making a choice to have an affair and he's making a choice to have an affair and also continue to have sex with his wife. I think he could at least spare you the details and the tears in regards to having sex with his wife. It sounds emotionally abusive.

[Spark1111]

Hi Lila.

 

FBW here.....

 

My husband told her we rarely to never had sex.

 

When she was disappointed with that comment, he changed it to practically never.

 

Which was a good lie because she bought it. We had sex twice a week during his affair.

 

The fact that he shares this obligatory once-every-six-week ordeal, and you both get so emotional over it, says to me it is feeding a huge part of his ego.

 

Your tears....His guilt...how hard you then try to assuage his guilt.

 

Hoo boy! Some pretty intense feelings going on.

 

What do you think he gets out of this exchange?

 

Just wondering....if you have asked yourself that question.

[2sure]

My H said various things to various OW, depending on what they wanted to hear. If an OW , in order to be satisfied with an affair, needs to hear "my marriage is in name only", " we never have sex" "we dont enjoy it when we do" etc etc etc - he would say it. He told some I did not exist, others that we had an open marriage. Whatever it took.

 

In my experience with OM as OW....they were all ready to begin saying all the same things in order to have a long term AP, until I told them Stop - it isnt necessary, I dont care what your marriage is like. After that, they never complained about the marriage at all and in fact seemed pretty happy with it.

 

If you are going to have an affair with a MM - you are going to have to put their marriage and what goes on in it into a separate compartment just like he does. If you cant do that, you arent cut out for an affair and are only setting yourself up for heartbreak and confusion by not only listening to his lies (or truths, doesnt matter) and thinking they matter.

[herenow]

One part of this that doesn't make sense is the comment about jumping on a spark. Sounds like he wants his marriage to work. Maybe his wife is the one who isn't really into him. Maybe she is the one having obligatory sex. Maybe the tears are from a place of wanting that spark from his wife. Maybe his wife is having her own affair. You have no idea (nor do I), but that comment is kind of a strange thing for a MM to tell his OW.

 

Or, that could be his easy way out of the affair. All he has to say is "the spark has arrived" and he is free to go be with his wife.

[Lizzie60]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

OMG... how sad... poor man... I had to wipe a little tear on my cheek...

 

Honestly... I'm an OW for many MMs... and trust me... they do have sex with their W... and it's not because their W is demanding it.. it's because they simply want it..

 

I'm curious .. how exactly do you 'prepare' yourself for the love-making session with his W..

 

He might not have a lot of sex at home.. but trust me..if he does.. he won't tell you every time...

 

I'm amazed at some of the stuff I read on here..

[skylarblue]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs.

 

I used to not care about MM having sex with his W and told him on several occasions to go home and sleep with her. He has reported a steadily declining sex life since we started seeing each other and says its once every 3-4mos now. I’m not that bothered by it because on those few occasions he assures that he thinks about me the whole time (he’s said that from day one). It’s not so much the act (although I told him I don’t want to know when it happens anymore and I wouldn’t want him f-ing her all the time), I just don’t like to think he has feelings there, but he says he doesn’t. If I thought he was excited by her or “making love” to her, it would be upsetting. I know its wrong for me to want him to feel that way towards his own W and I feel bad that I think like that, but…

 

We discuss their sex life, but not in detail. I don’t think I’d like it if it was an emotional ordeal for him. I wouldn’t understand it and seeing him in that state would be very unattractive and confusing to me. And if he told me if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow I don’t know how I’d react to knowing that. I’d imagine after the initial shock, I’d be hurt. It’d sound to me as if he loves his W very much and is hoping that whatever is wrong in their M could/would be repaired. I’d be in total confusion and probably worry about when and if that spark is going to happen especially if I knew when they were having sex. That would be mental torture. If that was how he felt I think I’d rather he try to cultivate that spark without me in the picture as hard as it would be. Though I’d find it odd for him to say, I couldn’t really fault or be upset with MM if he did say that or it happened. It would kinda help set things right.

[pureinheart]

Hi Lila,

 

I'm very concerned about you, and have to ask...is this traumatizing to you?

 

The reason for this question is recently I realise how traumatized I've really been throughout my entire life, with a few major defining circumstances that led to a series of very bad choices, which furthered the original traumas.

 

I don't know why I'm asking you this, possibly for your MM...actually he sounds extremely traumatized...I don't know...