Dealing with sex

[datura_noir]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

 

It is good that he has you for a marriage/sex counselor...but seriously! How do you two "prepare for it?" Do you hold each other and brace for the act to come?? Shouldn't SHE be a part of this discussion? Hopefully she has a da&%n good vibrator on hand....because the "fact" that she asks for it every six weeks means either:

 

A)He's lying about the frequency

B)She's got another lover and is throwing him off track

 

or...

 

C)he totally sucks in the sack and she figures she has to endure it every 6 weeks.

 

Sorry...I'm pretty cheeky today!

[Heather1]

I would always assume they're having regular sex. I asked one time (after TW scandal) about OOW, & he said "no.". Another time I cut the sex out for awhile with him & he said he's going back to good sex with his wife, even though it was great with me. Anything other than that about his M & sex life was off limits. We never bashed our spouses & he never asked about my sex life (which was regular & good). I wouldn't like or believe him if it were any other way. It also helped me compartmentalize too. I always figured our time together was ours alone & that's all that mattered.

You'll drive yourself crazy thinking any other way.

[whichwayisup]

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

I'm totally stunned. He's quite an actor. In all my time on LS, I've never seen a thread saying that the MM 'cries and is all emotional' after sex with his wife. He has you roped, has made this ALL ABOUT HIM, not you.. Honestly, he should NOT be sharing such details with you, that's NONE of your business. You chose to be with and stay with a MM, assume he's still having sex with his wife. .. Hate to say it but you've set yourself up for continuous hurts by allowing him to talk about sex with his wife with you!

 

He is enjoying selfishly how you react, though he'll never ever admit this to you.. Imagine how he feels? Having a wife, having an OW, being able to do whatever he pleases, you put up with it and his wife doesn't know... He's the KING, had it made, why would he give either of you up?

[ADF]

don't let anyone talk you into not trusting your MM. I too do just know.

 

Oh. My. God. Forgive me, but how can grown people be so naive?

 

Any man who can carry on a clandestine affair behind his wife's back is, by definiton, an expert at deception. Not only does he have to manage the logistics of hiding the affair, he has to do it while smiling. He cannot show any tell-tale signs of stress that might give him away.

 

Why, if he lies so easily to his wife, do you think he wouldn't lie to you, too? And why, if he is so expert at fooling his wife, do you think you'd "just know" if he were lying to you?

 

C'mon, ladies. I "just know" you are WAY smarter than this!

[bittersweet memories]

I'm totally stunned. He's quite an actor. In all my time on LS, I've never seen a thread saying that the MM 'cries and is all emotional' after sex with his wife. He has you roped, has made this ALL ABOUT HIM, not you.. Honestly, he should NOT be sharing such details with you, that's NONE of your business. You chose to be with and stay with a MM, assume he's still having sex with his wife. .. Hate to say it but you've set yourself up for continuous hurts by allowing him to talk about sex with his wife with you!

 

He is enjoying selfishly how you react, though he'll never ever admit this to you.. Imagine how he feels? Having a wife, having an OW, being able to do whatever he pleases, you put up with it and his wife doesn't know... He's the KING, had it made, why would he give either of you up?

 

From her previious post...she was/is married. So Im wondering if she also shared such details of her husband to MM.

[fooled once]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

I can only say, I totally agree with Tara.

 

I'm sorry, I'm finding this very hard to digest, or believe, even.

 

Because by-and-large, (and I realise I might be generalising here, but I don't think I'm toooo far off the mark) while women need emotional and heartfelt reasons to have sex with a man, a man is more propelled by the physical desire and visual context to be turned on...

in other words, women tend to gravitate towards the hearts and roses aspect, whilst men are more stimulated by the stocking and suspender stimulation.

if she's not floating his boat, how the hell is he managing to fake it and get hard enough to give her what she wants?

I mean, if it was really such a nerve-wracking and physically challenging ordeal - I really think he'd have immense difficulty maintaining an erection.

The added pressure of the fact that it's clockwork predictable, and knowing you get jealous, and that you know about it, and that he's expected to perform to order, and do the deed.... well, that would just completely knock even getting a woody on the head.

 

Someone here isn't being completely honest.

And I don't think it's you.

 

And I'm sorry, what does this mean? Am I reading this right?

 

 

Are you trying to say that currently, he feels absolutely nothing for his wife whilst plunging it between her legs (if indeed he is that dispassionate about it), but if he did begin to have feelings for her, and found he was warming to her and feeling love for her as he once did, he would make every effort to perpetuate and encourage that feeling to grow?

If that's the case, you need him to know that when he goes to his wife for this compulsory six-week sex episode - he stay there.

This tells me you are an amusing sideline, and that should things improve back home, you may well be history.

If that's the case.

And if it IS the case - you are on to a complete and utter losing game.

because if he were really committed to making you a priority, instead of an option, he would make it clear to his wife that he's not some kind of a performing seal, and that things are breaking down to the extent that separation is a real and present possibility. With a view to Divorce.

He's dangling you as a side bonus.

He has the best of both worlds, and he's milking it for all he's worth.

 

On the pure basis of what you've told us, that's what I think.

 

I also agree with WWIU

 

I've never seen a thread saying that the MM 'cries and is all emotional' after sex with his wife. He has you roped, has made this ALL ABOUT HIM, not you..

 

Bent and I both noticed another post from someone else who talked about how the MM cries a lot. So many crying MM. If they are so miserable, why are they staying married? For the kids??

 

I too believe these MM are still having sex with their wives, no matter what bologna they say to their mistresses. They get these mistresses to believe all this stuff...they don't love their wives, they don't sleep with their wives, they stay just for the kids.

 

How naive are some people? Why is what these lying MM say considered golden? I mean, unless their wives KNOW and have been told by their husband that they have a mistress, these men are lying. Doesn't matter if the lies is "just" to the wife, as these MM have their mistresses believing -- they are LYING just the same. Please don't anyone say "everyone lies" because there is a HUGE difference between "does this dress make me look fat" to "I have to work late", "I have to take this business call" or "i have to go out of town for business for a couple days".

 

If these men are so flipping unhappy and just can't stand looking at these wives, why oh WHY are they not divorcing???

[BlueeyedJonesy]

FO, couldn't agree more..if hes so miserable why not just leave?

[datura_noir]

I just can't get the picture out of my head of the evil Rasputia, all 300 hulking pounds of her, demanding her once-every-six-weeks nookie...while her jello-spined husband Norbit is wracked with sobs and proceeds to the marital bed saying "y-yes, dear!".

 

Sorry, I hope the OP can see the humor in this somewhat...

[lilagirl]

Thank you for your insights...most made me giggle. Thank you to the OW who have posted their experiences. Its nice to know that there are others who have struggled and worked through the pain associated with it.

 

Brief history to give context. I have known my MM for many years, and was a great friend for a few years before our EA started. I have had insight into his marriage and intimacy issues with W long before he became my AP.

 

My MM has never told me that he will leave W for me. Instead, he has commited to a process of trying to get his underlying needs met there for all the reasons any `split self` man goes through. There are some pretty big issues to work through, and he is trying one last time... as his good friend for many years, I often play two rolls with him, one of his friend, and the other as his AP. I know I am the back up plan. we have discussed wait timelines in debth, and he has specific actions in place that are designed by us to assist him with getting to a decision.

 

In the end, I just want him at peace. I know he would be most peaceful when he has a respectful relationship with his wife and is able to have his picket fence in all areas. That doesn`t diminish the love we share today. Don`t get me wrong.... that acceptance doesn`t come easily, and there are many moments and days where i wish it was another way... I still experience all the same deep emotions that are experienced by most OW.

 

back to sex:

She asks more often but he declines... for two reasons: 1) sex with someone you are constantly fighting with loses its appeal and desire very quickly, and 2) It is very difficult for him, for all the reasons that make him a great man Yes, he does experience ED when he is with her. I believe that it is obligatory for her as well.

 

The crying is a result of the EA. Our sexual relationship is second to our connection. Yes, its odd, but its the reality of the guilt he feels.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Split Self is just an excuse. It just amazes me what people fall for when it suits them. I can't believe what you let this guy get away with. Nevertheless...

 

If you really wish him peace, a respectful relationship with his W, the "picket fence" and all, you will stop sleeping with him. How can he cultivate a true relationship with his wife when he's betraying her behind her back?

 

Better yet- if you really want to help him, you'll call up his W and let her know what's going on so maybe she can resolve his so-called "split".

 

He feels guilty? He darn well should. He's using both of you. Except you're allowing it, and his W isn't even aware of it.

 

Good luck to you dear.

~BLT

[bentnotbroken]

OMG... how sad... poor man... I had to wipe a little tear on my cheek...

 

Honestly... I'm an OW for many MMs... and trust me... they do have sex with their W... and it's not because their W is demanding it.. it's because they simply want it..

 

I'm curious .. how exactly do you 'prepare' yourself for the love-making session with his W..

 

He might not have a lot of sex at home.. but trust me..if he does.. he won't tell you every time...

 

I'm amazed at some of the stuff I read on here..

 

 

You too:eek: I am almost certain I haven't heard some of these type things since high school.

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you for your insights...most made me giggle. Thank you to the OW who have posted their experiences. Its nice to know that there are others who have struggled and worked through the pain associated with it.

 

Brief history to give context. I have known my MM for many years, and was a great friend for a few years before our EA started. I have had insight into his marriage and intimacy issues with W long before he became my AP.

 

My MM has never told me that he will leave W for me. Instead, he has commited to a process of trying to get his underlying needs met there for all the reasons any `split self` man goes through. There are some pretty big issues to work through, and he is trying one last time... as his good friend for many years, I often play two rolls with him, one of his friend, and the other as his AP. I know I am the back up plan. we have discussed wait timelines in debth, and he has specific actions in place that are designed by us to assist him with getting to a decision.

 

In the end, I just want him at peace. I know he would be most peaceful when he has a respectful relationship with his wife and is able to have his picket fence in all areas. That doesn`t diminish the love we share today. Don`t get me wrong.... that acceptance doesn`t come easily, and there are many moments and days where i wish it was another way... I still experience all the same deep emotions that are experienced by most OW.

 

back to sex:

She asks more often but he declines... for two reasons: 1) sex with someone you are constantly fighting with loses its appeal and desire very quickly, and 2) It is very difficult for him, for all the reasons that make him a great man Yes, he does experience ED when he is with her. I believe that it is obligatory for her as well.

 

The crying is a result of the EA. Our sexual relationship is second to our connection. Yes, its odd, but its the reality of the guilt he feels.

 

 

This made me laugh so hard I almost spilled my coffee.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I didn't actually laugh.... bu my jaw hit my laptop and I now need dental treatment....

 

Brief history to give context. I have known my MM for many years, and was a great friend for a few years before our EA started. I have had insight into his marriage and intimacy issues with W long before he became my AP.

Great. What better way to help him resolve them, by phukking him and adding to the confusion?

 

My MM has never told me that he will leave W for me. Instead, he has commited to a process of trying to get his underlying needs met there for all the reasons any `split self` man goes through.

And at this point, the chin thunked against the pc....

Are you kidding me...?

 

"He has committed to a process of trying to get HIS underlying needs met"...

Read...

My wife isn't doing it for me. I need a convenient orifice or else I'm going to sulk, so there. because I can."

Split self.

It's balls. utter and total bollox.

I'll tell you split self:

Cushy at home, cushy with you. having it all ways and then some.

That's his 'split self'.

You've had a verified psychiatric analysis, have you? he has the medical records to prove it?

if not - see how your chain is being yanked....!!

 

There are some pretty big issues to work through, and he is trying one last time..

And how is you splaying your legs for him conveniently, helping him do that with his wife?

What possible benefit are you offering in order to help him work through his issues, if what you are actually doing is getting in the way of his progress?

 

as his good friend for many years, I often play two rolls with him,

yes.

Pastrami on rye, cheese and onion.

Delicious.

If you're feeding his ego this way, he's bound to be coming back for more. And more.

What's for pudding?

 

...one of his friend, and the other as his AP. I know I am the back up plan. we have discussed wait timelines in debth, and he has specific actions in place that are designed by us to assist him with getting to a decision

 

You think you're a back-up plan?

Really?

How about "Hole-on-the-side"?

What decision does he have to make?

What suit to wear when he leaves his wife?

What underwear?

Which tie goes with the shirt?

Eliminate the AP.

deprive him of this luxury.

Tell him that little miss curls and fun is closed for business until he mans up and accelerates his thinking process.

 

In the end, I just want him at peace. I know he would be most peaceful when he has a respectful relationship with his wife

Then STOP BEING A CONVENIENT REPOSITORY FOR HIS DICK!!!

THis is no way to reconcile him with her!

How can phukking you be mending that - ??

 

and is able to have his picket fence in all areas. That doesn`t diminish the love we share today. Don`t get me wrong.... that acceptance doesn`t come easily, and there are many moments and days where i wish it was another way... I still experience all the same deep emotions that are experienced by most OW

Take of those heavily-tinted rosy spectacles dearie.

He is walking all over you.

Stomping in fact.

he has you besotted and beguiled and this is going PRECISELY the way he wants.

What the hell is 'the picket fence' concept?

It's designed to keep you out, and keep him in the state to which he's become accustomed.

Oh look.

Picket fence needs a new coat of whitewash.....

 

back to sex:

She asks more often but he declines... for two reasons: 1) sex with someone you are constantly fighting with loses its appeal and desire very quickly, and 2) It is very difficult for him, for all the reasons that make him a great man Yes, he does experience ED when he is with her

But never with you?

Really?

Crap.

Utter and total crap.

Sorry, but the effect works both ways.

Trust me.

If a man suffers from ED, it doesn't matter which partner he's phukking, ol' stiffy won't pay a visit.

The stress is always there, and always has that effect...

If he's telling you he suffers from ED but only with her - he is a liar.

(like that's a surprise to us....)

 

I believe that it is obligatory for her as well.

 

And here.... you lost me.

I have no idea what you mean here.

Not a goddamn clue.

But really, that shouldn't surprise me.

your whole post leaves me completely baffled.....

 

The crying is a result of the EA. Our sexual relationship is second to our connection. Yes, its odd, but its the reality of the guilt he feels.

No, you don't get it.

The sex is uppermost in his mind.

if the sex was secondary, you would stop it immediately, right? And with no effect to your relationship, isn't that so?

I mean, you used to be just friends, then it should be no problem at all for you - IF your sex is 'secondary to your connection' - to quit the sex part altogether, right?

Ok.

Try that.

Stop it altogether.

Cease.

Desist.

Tell him little Mr Pinky is not welcome to visit little Miss Moist any more.

That bit is over.

Done.

Finito.

Until he makes a decision about which side of his picket fence he would like to be on.

And then see what his manipulative, conniving 'split self' is capable of....

Edited April 23, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[Bootsie]

Well, I didn't actually laugh.... bu my jaw hit my laptop and I now need dental treatment....

 

 

Great. What better way to help him resolve them, by phukking him and adding to the confusion?

 

 

And at this point, the chin thunked against the pc....

Are you kidding me...?

 

"He has committed to a process of trying to get HIS underlying needs met"...

Read...

My wife isn't doing it for me. I need a convenient orifice or else I'm going to sulk, so there. because I can."

Split self.

It's balls. utter and total bollox.

I'll tell you split self:

Cushy at home, cushy with you. having it all ways and then some.

That's his 'split self'.

You've had a verified psychiatric analysis, have you? he has the medical records to prove it?

if not - see how your chain is being yanked....!!

 

 

And how is you splaying your legs for him conveniently, helping him do that with his wife?

What possible benefit are you offering in order to help him work through his issues, if what you are actually doing is getting in the way of his progress?

 

 

yes.

Pastrami on rye, cheese and onion.

Delicious.

If you're feeding his ego this way, he's bound to be coming back for more. And more.

What's for pudding?

 

 

 

You think you're a back-up plan?

Really?

How about "Hole-on-the-side"?

What decision does he have to make?

What suit to wear when he leaves his wife?

What underwear?

Which tie goes with the shirt?

Eliminate the AP.

deprive him of this luxury.

Tell him that little miss curls and fun is closed for business until he mans up and accelerates his thinking process.

 

 

Then STOP BEING A CONVENIENT REPOSITORY FOR HIS DICK!!!

THis is no way to reconcile him with her!

How can phukking you be mending that - ??

 

 

Take of those heavily-tinted rosy spectacles dearie.

He is walking all over you.

Stomping in fact.

he has you besotted and beguiled and this is going PRECISELY the way he wants.

What the hell is 'the picket fence' concept?

It's designed to keep you out, and keep him in the state to which he's become accustomed.

Oh look.

Picket fence needs a new coat of whitewash.....

 

 

But never with you?

Really?

Crap.

Utter and total crap.

Sorry, but the effect works both ways.

Trust me.

If a man suffers from ED, it doesn't matter which partner he's phukking, ol' stiffy won't pay a visit.

The stress is always there, and always has that effect...

If he's telling you he suffers from ED but only with her - he is a liar.

(like that's a surprise to us....)

 

 

 

And here.... you lost me.

I have no idea what you mean here.

Not a goddamn clue.

But really, that shouldn't surprise me.

your whole post leaves me completely baffled.....

 

 

No, you don't get it.

The sex is uppermost in his mind.

if the sex was secondary, you would stop it immediately, right? And with no effect to your relationship, isn't that so?

I mean, you used to be just friends, then it should be no problem at all for you - IF your sex is 'secondary to your connection' - to quit the sex part altogether, right?

Ok.

Try that.

Stop it altogether.

Cease.

Desist.

Tell him little Mr Pinky is not welcome to visit little Miss Moist any more.

That bit is over.

Done.

Finito.

Until he makes a decision about which side of his picket fence he would like to be on.

And then see what his manipulative, conniving 'split self' is capable of....

 

Just wow! I've seen people banned for a virtual lifetime for less than this.

 

I suppose the usual dobbers are flagging this post to the mods.

 

Oh well sometimes the truth just hurts.

[TaraMaiden]

oh, never mind....

 

[jennie-jennie]

Thank you for your insights...most made me giggle. Thank you to the OW who have posted their experiences. Its nice to know that there are others who have struggled and worked through the pain associated with it.

 

Brief history to give context. I have known my MM for many years, and was a great friend for a few years before our EA started. I have had insight into his marriage and intimacy issues with W long before he became my AP.

 

My MM has never told me that he will leave W for me. Instead, he has commited to a process of trying to get his underlying needs met there for all the reasons any `split self` man goes through. There are some pretty big issues to work through, and he is trying one last time... as his good friend for many years, I often play two rolls with him, one of his friend, and the other as his AP. I know I am the back up plan. we have discussed wait timelines in debth, and he has specific actions in place that are designed by us to assist him with getting to a decision.

 

In the end, I just want him at peace. I know he would be most peaceful when he has a respectful relationship with his wife and is able to have his picket fence in all areas. That doesn`t diminish the love we share today. Don`t get me wrong.... that acceptance doesn`t come easily, and there are many moments and days where i wish it was another way... I still experience all the same deep emotions that are experienced by most OW.

 

back to sex:

She asks more often but he declines... for two reasons: 1) sex with someone you are constantly fighting with loses its appeal and desire very quickly, and 2) It is very difficult for him, for all the reasons that make him a great man Yes, he does experience ED when he is with her. I believe that it is obligatory for her as well.

 

The crying is a result of the EA. Our sexual relationship is second to our connection. Yes, its odd, but its the reality of the guilt he feels.

 

Lila, it is good to see that you took most of the prior posts with a giggle. You ARE a strong woman!

[seren]

Why do people in A's constantly accept situations they wouldn't if the person was single? I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would knowingly settle for a three way relationship, unless of course they are polygamous, in which case there are no secrets.

In fact, most, nearly all BS's on learning there is an OW/OM insist on the A ending or end the M. The OM/OW who, when the A becomes serious, continues to accept excuses for non disclosure is, IMO, deceiving themselves. This surely is far more healthy and respectful to all than the constant waiting for another to make a decision that affects our emotional well being.

 

I cannot believe that the BS would choose to stay knowing her H was discussing their sex life with another, or having obligatory sex with her. I cannot think of any situation where I would put up with someone, who professes to love me, sharing that they sleep with someone else, as to discussing it, that just makes me shake my head with disbelief at the arrogance of two people who think this is in any way OK. If this is love it bears absolutely no resemblance to what I see love to be.

 

The MM in this instance should, for all concerned be honest about what is going on, if he is that unhappy and longing for picket fences and all that, he sure as hell isn't having that with either. Nor is he respecting either woman. I am sorry but obligatory sex just doesn't cut it, I know lots of OP believe it happens, anyone who has had a long term relationship knows when the love making changes, endearments no longer spoken, hugs, cuddles and everything else changing, obligatory sex sounds like it is a cold act and most would know if that were happening - unless of course the love making hadn't changed and he/she had always been distant.

 

I am of the opinion that the longer an A continues, the longer it becomes the norm and there is simply no incentive for the MP to do something about it. Compartmentalising is such a classic way for the cheating spouse to rationalise their behaviour, a swift reality check is in order.

[OWoman]

But never with you?

Really?

Crap.

Utter and total crap.

Sorry, but the effect works both ways.

Trust me.

If a man suffers from ED, it doesn't matter which partner he's phukking, ol' stiffy won't pay a visit.

The stress is always there, and always has that effect...

If he's telling you he suffers from ED but only with her - he is a liar.

 

Actually, ED can be caused by physical or psychological factors. If it's physical - like from diabetes, hypertension or such - then yes, it would occur in any context. Viagra (or one of its clones) helps in those cases.

If it's psychological, it will occur only in the cases where the stressor / psych factor operates, but not in others. This is a critical factor in diagnosis and prescribing. In fact, doctors used to routinely give men those perforated sticky things you get around the old kind of stamps, to test whether they experienced any erections or not (many men have erections in their sleep, that they're unaware of, so can't report on if asked.) Viagra will NOT help in cases where ED is psychologically caused, and couples are usually referred for sex therapy in those cases.

[Spark1111]

So, wait a minute......my fWS's twice weekly orgasm with me were obligatory during his affair????

 

You mean, me CAN FAKE IT????:p

[OWoman]

I am of the opinion that the longer an A continues, the longer it becomes the norm and there is simply no incentive for the MP to do something about it.

 

Only if they are able to make peace with being in an A. Only some MM can do that. For others, the constant confusion and turmoil get to them a little more each day, until finally they reach some resolution, either through ending the A, ending the M, withdrawing into depression or medicating themselves with alcohol, work, extreme sports or whatever.

 

If these men are so flipping unhappy and just can't stand looking at these wives, why oh WHY are they not divorcing???

 

Sometimes they do - but it takes time.

 

There seems to be a misapprehension among some that if a MM hasn't Dd within, what? A year? Six months? He's not going to leave the W, because the A is working for him and everything is cozy-dozy. Stories on here indicate otherwise, however - those MMs who leave, and who stay left, are often those whose As have stretched for three, four, five years.

 

Unless the M is toxic, and the MM is aware and conscious of that and looking for an opportunity to jump ship - why would a MM leap out of a perfectly serviceable M at a moment's notice because some other woman took his fancy? Particularly if the M was of some years standing - most MMs would first want to be sure that they weren't just acting on a whim they may later regret. So they need to put in the time and effort to weigh up their options, and make a proper, informed choice.

 

A M that is so flimsy that a MM would chuck it each time his hormones were jumpstarted by some passing OW is an M on paper only - there's clearly no investment if someone is prepared to throw it away so easily and so quickly.

 

This A - the OP said in another post had been about a year in length? During which time she's also made moves to separate from her H - note, she didn't immediately dump him, either; she also checked it out, thought about it, and then started to act. Canning a M does not happen overnight unless you're one of those people whose feelings work on a flip-switch.

 

I can't speak for other Ws, but I know that I'm unbothered by the length of time it took for my H to dump his xW, because it showed that he was making a thorough, informed and reasoned decision, mindful of the consequences and accepting of his responsibilities. It took me as long - in fact, longer - to get to that same point myself, and I wasn't even M at the time! I'm reassured by the knowledge and experience that he's not someone who will just flush away 30 years of R on a whim, and by the confirmation every day of the rightness of his choice for him, and mine for me. If we'd rushed it, would we have that? I very much doubt!

[jthorne]

Well, it's obvious he's lied about everything else in the w's bedroom, it would make sense that he would lie about the ED. Oh, maybe him getting some Viagra was the "getting prepared for the obligatory sex.". Uh huh. Nobody's convincing me that having a go with the wife is so traumatic that he can't get it up, yet everything is systems go with the AP. Please.

 

OP- your original question was how to deal with him having sex with her. It's easy.

Stop having sex with him.

[jennie-jennie]

Well, it's obvious he's lied about everything else in the w's bedroom, it would make sense that he would lie about the ED. Oh, maybe him getting some Viagra was the "getting prepared for the obligatory sex.". Uh huh. Nobody's convincing me that having a go with the wife is so traumatic that he can't get it up, yet everything is systems go with the AP. Please.

 

OP- your original question was how to deal with him having sex with her. It's easy.

Stop having sex with him.

 

Is that how you dealt with it during your 19 years as an OW? You didn't have sex?

[jthorne]

Is that how you dealt with it during your 19 years as an OW? You didn't have sex?

My xA is not up for discussion here. If you'd like to discuss it, please start a new thread, thanks.

[jennie-jennie]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs.

 

My xA is not up for discussion here. If you'd like to discuss it, please start a new thread, thanks.

 

On the contrary, the OP has asked for input from other OW (I presume this includes fOW as well) on how they deal/dealt with their MM having sex with their BS. I presume you too have a lot to contribute here which surely would be helpful to the OP.

[jthorne]

On the contrary, the OP has asked for input from other OW (I presume this includes fOW as well) on how they deal/dealt with their MM having sex with their BS. I presume you too have a lot to contribute here which surely would be helpful to the OP.

OP- I had an A that was off and on for about ten years over a span of 19. Ending the affair was the best thing I ever did.

 

We did not discuss his sexual relations with his W. If you'd like to discuss my former circumstances further, please feel free to PM me.

Edited April 23, 2010 by jthorne