Dealing with sex

[jennie-jennie]

OP- I had an A that was off and on for about ten years over a span of 19. Ending the affair was the best thing I ever did.

 

We did not discuss his sexual relations with his W. If you'd like to discuss my former circumstances further, please feel free to PM me.

 

Unfortunately Lila does not have PM privileges yet. But thank you for sharing the above.

 

I believe fOW sharing how they perceived their situation during the affair and not only how they perceive it now that the affair is over is helpful for those of us still in an affair and who at present are content continuing it.

[whichwayisup]

back to sex:

She asks more often but he declines... for two reasons: 1) sex with someone you are constantly fighting with loses its appeal and desire very quickly, and 2) It is very difficult for him, for all the reasons that make him a great man Yes, he does experience ED when he is with her. I believe that it is obligatory for her as well.

 

The crying is a result of the EA. Our sexual relationship is second to our connection. Yes, its odd, but its the reality of the guilt he feels.

 

Good luck to you, I truly mean that. For some reason, you've allowed this man to totally manipulate you, and you believe every word he tells you. He may be 'lying' to you, but he definately is omitting truths, exaggerating to suit him in the best light possible.

 

Do you think he's going to tell you sex with his wife is good? That he still enjoys that aspect of his marriage? OFCOURSE NOT. That would be insane for him to do, so he white lies and makes it about (poor)him to make YOU feel better, to make sure YOU still give him sex.

 

Anyway, there's no end to this, since you seem OK with how things are. He isn't leaving his wife, you've never asked him to and he hasn't wanted to - So, you're the OW. I say, put up with the rollercoaster ride and accept how things are, on his terms - Or realize that you're going nowhere with this MM, and dump him. Grieve him, get over him and find an honest man who you can love and not have to share.

[Confused4Now]

Good luck to you, I truly mean that. For some reason, you've allowed this man to totally manipulate you, and you believe every word he tells you. He may be 'lying' to you, but he definitely is omitting truths, exaggerating to suit him in the best light possible.

 

Do you think he's going to tell you sex with his wife is good? That he still enjoys that aspect of his marriage? OF COURSE NOT. That would be insane for him to do, so he white lies and makes it about (poor)him to make YOU feel better, to make sure YOU still give him sex.

 

Anyway, there's no end to this, since you seem OK with how things are. He isn't leaving his wife, you've never asked him to and he hasn't wanted to - So, you're the OW. I say, put up with the roller coaster ride and accept how things are, on his terms - Or realize that you're going nowhere with this MM, and dump him. Grieve him, get over him and find an honest man who you can love and not have to share.

WWIU is so DEAD ON....as always. Honestly I think MM will only leave if they were planning on leaving anyway. Most of my guy friends who F around do just that...they give the OW a line how bad it is. They never leave. Everyone who knows me known I'v been trying to get out for 14 years from a abusive wife. It really took that long. So even then it took time to get out. Once a man makes a decision to get out they get out.

[jthorne]

WWIU is so DEAD ON....as always. Honestly I think MM will only leave if they were planning on leaving anyway. Most of my guy friends who F around do just that...they give the OW a line how bad it is. They never leave. Everyone who knows me known I'v been trying to get out for 14 years from a abusive wife. It really took that long. So even then it took time to get out. Once a man makes a decision to get out they get out.

From reading the OP's posts on other threads, it seems that she is well aware that her MM isn't leaving his W.

[Confused4Now]

Fair enough. Sex and good sex are completely possible without love. But if your getting jealous over your MM's marital sex, then you are obviously denying the fact that he might still love his wife. Might not. Either way, more love is better than less love. :peace:

More sex is better than less sex.

Ain't that a fact!!! I have to say when I left my marriage even though sex was very infrequent like once a month and we were sleeping in different rooms. Like what was said....more sex is better than less sex or NO sex. Amazing.....

[Passion4Life]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

now isn't that funny, you get jealous when he is having sex with his wife ?

may I ask you , who is he having an affair with you or his wife ?

[vanilla chai]

I hate to break the news to ya but mm has sex with the wife cause he wants to,and the fact that he says its obligitory makes me laugh hysterically

[jenifer1972]

I read an article, can't remember where, that labeled people who become very emotional to draw others in and become more vulnerable, "emotional whores". To me that seems like what this MM is doing.

 

Being with his wife, then actually crying about it to you-this really pulls the emotions out in you, and you feel empathy for him, instead of annoyance that he doesn't just end the supposed charade at home.

[scatterd]

You really believe that? come on hes probably doing it all the time and pretending he is a victim,I'm sure hes playing you what does he sit in the shower in a corner and cry.He would leave if it was so bad.I'm laughing to think about it.he is married he is gettoing it from you both I wonder what he fells his wife.

[Got it]

I am not sure what to make over that point. I mean, if it is causing him to cry then he should stop doing it. Not cry on his OW's shoulder. My guy would have a foot so far up his nether regions, getting it up would be the least of his worries.

 

MM and I were both married when we started. We both had sex with our spouses about 3-4 weeks into the affair and that was the last time for each of us (I know this is true as she has confirmed it). Him not having sex with her was a requirement for me. He said they rarely had sex and at that point our fidelity was with each other. If they were just roommates then it shouldn't be an issue. Of course I knew I couldn't confirm it but knew it was a dealbreaker if I had gotten wind of it. But at that point we didn't talk about it and I had just told him to tell me if they did.

[lilagirl]

Thanks everyone. WHile I appreciate the thoughts of the BSs as well as fOWs, I know my man. I appreciate that many MM lie to their wives and spouces, I have zero questions about where his head is at, or whether he is telling me the truth. I am sorry for all your pain. there is obviously a great deal of anger on this forum.

[GreenEyedLady]

Apparently also a great deal of self-delusion...

[jthorne]

OP- If you wouldn't mind... What is it you want out of your MM?

[lilagirl]

Apparently also a great deal of self-delusion...

 

LOL - the only delusion that is happening in my R is with his BS who thinks she is enough for her H.

 

My MM will leave me when she meets even half of the needs I meet for him. Currently, the only needs she is meeting is his need for a societal family.

 

We have the most open, and honest relationship. I have ZERO doubts about when he is having sex, and how it fulfills his needs, and doesn`t.

 

MANY BS talk about how their relationship improved after Dday. That is because they had a wake up call to stop being uncaring, bi-otches all the time, and their H learned how to express their needs.

 

You can be as angry as you want, and make urself feel better by telling me i am rediculous for believing him... in the end... he is confiding, hugging, sleeping with, and LOVING another woman... because YOU are not meeting his needs.

 

MY original question was how other OW deal with sex with their APs. Not about how often he is having it, whether he is lying to me, or how he could possibly be doing it... I DONT CARE how hurt you are/were by either your MM or your Hs. I am content in my R, and am inquiring HOW to continue having sex with my MM, and carry on the R, because that is what I want to do - at this moment in my life

[Heather1]

Then learn to compartmentalize & stop talking to him about their sex life. I'm not hurt or angry @ that part at all. I didn't want to know, he didn't tell me.

[bittersweet memories]

LOL - the only delusion that is happening in my R is with his BS who thinks she is enough for her H.

 

My MM will leave me when she meets even half of the needs I meet for him. Currently, the only needs she is meeting is his need for a societal family.

 

We have the most open, and honest relationship. I have ZERO doubts about when he is having sex, and how it fulfills his needs, and doesn`t.

 

MANY BS talk about how their relationship improved after Dday. That is because they had a wake up call to stop being uncaring, bi-otches all the time, and their H learned how to express their needs.

 

You can be as angry as you want, and make urself feel better by telling me i am rediculous for believing him... in the end... he is confiding, hugging, sleeping with, and LOVING another woman... because YOU are not meeting his needs.

 

MY original question was how other OW deal with sex with their APs. Not about how often he is having it, whether he is lying to me, or how he could possibly be doing it... I DONT CARE how hurt you are/were by either your MM or your Hs. I am content in my R, and am inquiring HOW to continue having sex with my MM, and carry on the R, because that is what I want to do - at this moment in my life

 

 

Wow...You are something else! Lets see what happens when d-day comes around.

[lilagirl]

OP- If you wouldn't mind... What is it you want out of your MM?

 

What I want, is MY man. Of course.. however, I know he is not the ONLY man. I would love to stay with him a little longer. Sex with his W is hard... BUT when he doesn`t do it... she asks questions.... I trust my MM with my heart.... if he breaks that trust, than I walk... end of story.

 

I have allot of life in me... I wont`waste it on an MM. He knows this, and I know this. We have a plan to help him. If he can`t do it and leave... he is missing out, and will spend his life with a woman who thinks she is loving him.

[whichwayisup]

LOL - the only delusion that is happening in my R is with his BS who thinks she is enough for her H.

 

I honestly felt bad for you earlier because I thought you were just so inlove with him and heartsick with him making love to his wife. Now I see it's just pure jealously and a one UP game.

 

Doubt very much you care about helping him cheat on his wife - Remember, SHE HAS NO IDEA HE IS CHEATING ON HER.

 

Careful with Karma. Slam his wife and put yourself in a competition with her, one day you'll lose... Because he isn't leaving her, ever. he just loves having TWO women meet his selfish needs. Your MM is no prize, but you can believe the spew he tells you daily since he never lies or omits things from you. He only lies to the woman he married, said vows to infront of family and friends, the woman he IS obligated to..The woman HE will turn to if (godforbid) he were in a car accident or got cancer. SHE would be by his side at the hospital, not you. So, enjoy the sex, enjoy feeling like you are better than her.

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry for all your pain. there is obviously a great deal of anger on this forum.

 

I havent' seen any real mean posts, only harsh words to try to open your eyes. Noone has named called or anything! Trust me, you havent' seen mean or flaming.. Everyone is trying to help you, but you aren't hearing the advice, nor do you want to take the blinders off.

 

I think GEL summed it up nicely.

 

Good luck.

[lilagirl]

I honestly felt bad for you earlier because I thought you were just so inlove with him and heartsick with him making love to his wife. Now I see it's just pure jealously and a one UP game.

 

I am so in love with him, and heartsick that he has HAVE SEX with his wife. Of course it is jealousy. He is MY man, and she gets so much with him that I can`t have. I am no different than any other OW.

 

In the end a few things will happen...

1) dDay, and they will work on their marriage and make it stronger.

2) dDay, and she will leave him for being the cheating SOB that he is... and find a man that INSPIRES her to love him... like he inspires me to love him

3) No-day... and I walk away losing a great man... who taught me how to love, and how I want to be loved... at that point, he has two options...a) work on his marriage to get his needs met... and hopefully work on her needs too... or b) continue in a loveless marriage with neither partner getting their needs met.

4) US-day... and I get the man i love today... and all the lessons we have learned from our marriages... and live happily ever after... LOL

[pureinheart]

Thanks everyone. WHile I appreciate the thoughts of the BSs as well as fOWs, I know my man. I appreciate that many MM lie to their wives and spouces, I have zero questions about where his head is at, or whether he is telling me the truth. I am sorry for all your pain. there is obviously a great deal of anger on this forum.

 

Hi Lila,

 

I hope your ok...I read the rest of the thread from the point that I replied and was quite shocked. All I can say is hang in there...if you can keep posting until you get the PM and go that way if need be...hey ((((huggss)))), my prayewrs and thoughts are with you bigtime...keep a smile on your face and all will work to your good

[whichwayisup]

But he isn't YOUR man. Far from it.

 

I am sorry and I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but the stuff you two share together may be the beginning of a potiental relationship, but it is just an affair. To you, he is your everything, but for him, he's already married, has life built with someone else, his wife..

 

You also have NO idea what truly goes on behind closed doors, what their dynamic is. You're only hearing HIS side of things. Things he wants you to know... Noone is perfect and since it seems he's putting alot of blame on her, yet he has no plans on leaving either.

 

Go read threads by OM and OW. Find out how long they were strung along, never though their MM or MW's would throw them under the bus.

 

Not saying your MM will do that but don't close your eyes to the possibility either.

[Passion4Life]

I am so in love with him, and heartsick that he has HAVE SEX with his wife. Of course it is jealousy. He is MY man, and she gets so much with him that I can`t have. I am no different than any other OW.

 

In the end a few things will happen...

1) dDay, and they will work on their marriage and make it stronger.

2) dDay, and she will leave him for being the cheating SOB that he is... and find a man that INSPIRES her to love him... like he inspires me to love him

3) No-day... and I walk away losing a great man... who taught me how to love, and how I want to be loved... at that point, he has two options...a) work on his marriage to get his needs met... and hopefully work on her needs too... or b) continue in a loveless marriage with neither partner getting their needs met.

4) US-day... and I get the man i love today... and all the lessons we have learned from our marriages... and live happily ever after... LOL

Of course it is jealousy. He is MY man, and she gets so much with him that I can`t have

 

well it is still confusing , you are jelous becuase he is having sex with his wife ?

let me ask you again , who is he having affair with his wife or you ?

[2sure]

Well, to your original and specific question. How to deal with the sex MM has with his wife. Its different for you because many spouses who do not want sex with their wives/husbands...just dont. Yours has the built in selective ED, so that shouldnt be too difficult. Even with little blue pills, they dont make a man want to have sex they make him physically able to fulfill his drive.Doesnt sound like you have much to worry about. Many serious affair partners here claim that they expect MM not to have sex with anyone but them.

 

Since that is not an option for you...I think you should both seriously consider leaving his wife and their sex life...out of your bed, conversation, etc. Stop bringing it to the forefront. How romantic can that possibly be?

[jthorne]

So do you care to disclose what your "plan" is? Perhaps we could all learn something.

 

I would ask you to consider though, what your MM will have to give up in order to be with you: his home, his wife, his extended family, half the finances, seeing his children (if there are any) and pets, his stature... What do you offer him more than love and sex?