Dealing with sex

[Bootsie]

I asked my fWH about this post. He just laughed and said it sounded like a ridiculous excuse for having sex with his wife. He's having sex with her because he wants to.

 

As for dealing with having sex with their spouses during the A. He said he tried as much as possible to avoid the topic, but occasionally mumbled to the MOW that it didn't happen very often.

 

Not sure OP why you see the need to assist him in managing his wife's perceptions at home. Does this mean you also want her to believe that she has a good marriage? It seems a strange viewpoint for an OW to have.

[jennie-jennie]

Hi Lila,

 

I hope your ok...I read the rest of the thread from the point that I replied and was quite shocked. All I can say is hang in there...if you can keep posting until you get the PM and go that way if need be...hey ((((huggss)))), my prayewrs and thoughts are with you bigtime...keep a smile on your face and all will work to your good

 

I'm with Pure in this. It is really sad though that the OW/OM forum is working so poorly for people actually IN affairs, that you need to tell them that it might be better to PM.

 

MY original question was how other OW deal with sex with their APs. Not about how often he is having it, whether he is lying to me, or how he could possibly be doing it... I DONT CARE how hurt you are/were by either your MM or your Hs. I am content in my R, and am inquiring HOW to continue having sex with my MM, and carry on the R, because that is what I want to do - at this moment in my life

 

The OP has clearly stated what her question is. Everything else should be considered a thread jack.

 

Lila, I really like your posts. I do hope you will continue writing on LS and not be discouraged by the poor welcome you have received so far. It usually gets better after a while when the other posters get used to you and realize you have your mind set on staying in the relationship.

 

I can see that your MM and you share everything just like I and my MM. When you have a deep level of intimacy, you do know that you can trust your partner and that he is not lying to you. My MM says it like this: "You are in my head. You see what goes on there."

[OWoman]

I would ask you to consider though, what your MM will have to give up in order to be with you: his home, his wife, his extended family, half the finances, seeing his children (if there are any) and pets, his stature... What do you offer him more than love and sex?

 

When my H left his BW, he had to give up.... his (x)W. That was all. The home - we're in it. The extended family - are ours. The kids - are with us. The finances - are better, now that she's no longer there to drain them. His stature - has improved, without her as a liability. AND he gets the love and sex

 

It's not necessarily doom and gloom when they leave - sometimes things get a lot better!

[lilagirl]

I'm with Pure in this. It is really sad though that the OW/OM forum is working so poorly for people actually IN affairs, that you need to tell them that it might be better to PM.

 

 

 

The OP has clearly stated what her question is. Everything else should be considered a thread jack.

 

Lila, I really like your posts. I do hope you will continue writing on LS and not be discouraged by the poor welcome you have received so far. It usually gets better after a while when the other posters get used to you and realize you have your mind set on staying in the relationship.

 

I can see that your MM and you share everything just like I and my MM. When you have a deep level of intimacy, you do know that you can trust your partner and that he is not lying to you. My MM says it like this: "You are in my head. You see what goes on there."

 

Thank you. Its nice to feel support.

 

Lila, this is my experience of dealing with my MM having sex with his wife.

 

In the beginning of our relationship both MM and I experienced a boost in our sex lives with our respective partners. We were at this time only having an EA.

 

It didn't take long though before MM was so torn by guilt and confusion that he began to have problems with ED, especially when he was with his wife. I guess he overcame this when he came to accept our relationship and stopped trying to break up with me every now and then.

 

My MM and his wife now continued their infrequent sex life from earlier. My MM would never tell me when they had had sex, but once in a while I would ask him and he would tell the truth. From the time on after I had broken up with my SO, I never liked it, it was hard on me. I considered it cheating. He knew this, and he explained it with that he had to keep up a normal appearance of a marriage since he was not ready to get a divorce or even tell the truth about the affair. He was afraid a non-existant sex life would lead to questions from the BS.

 

My MM never liked when I asked him about his sex life. Sometimes he would get angry, which is very atypical for him, but I guess who wouldn't, given I sent a text message asking if he had had sex lately with his wife when he was sitting with his family at an important gathering at school.

 

Anyway, it became longer and longer between the times they had sex. Until finally after several months of no marital sex and right after our NC period last fall, my MM responded to my question that he thought he could promise that he was not going to have sex with his wife anymore as long as he and I were in a relationship together. We have an agreement however that we are not bound by promises forever, they are an expression of his/my will at the moment and this might change. If he changes his mind he is the one responsible for telling me, I don't have to ask. Still I have asked at times, and he has confirmed the no sex.

 

I have asked him why don't you just stretch out your arm when in bed, you have a woman available to you right there. He says he has discovered he does not want to, she is not the woman he desires.

 

My MM's stopping to have sex with his wife, coincided with he and I growing closer and closer, and him stopping to say that he loved his wife when I pressured him about us.

 

Also my MM's fears about his wife getting suspicious of the no sex life have not been fulfilled. She has not brought up the subject.

 

My conclusion is, at least in my case, that my MM needed to move even closer to me and further from his wife to not have a desire to have a sex life with her. I saw this happen with myself and my SO as well, only it went quicker with me.

 

So that's my story, Lila, don't know if it is of any help to you, but I hope so.

 

 

This is a huge help. My MM struggles with how my needs in the R changed when my H and I separated (i struggle too!). When I was with my H, the sex was not really as much of an issue with me and my AP. I was similar to my MM, in that I had a difficult time completing the act, and did it to keep up appearances.... but it soon became too much, and I just couldn`t do it anymore.

 

I reread your original post, Lila, and I see there is a difference between our MM's situation. My MM's wife never initiates sex. I don't know if he would have had it in him to actually turn her down.

 

When she initiates it, it is without passion - sort of a "duty" thing. Their M is in shambles, so it is easy for him to say no. She starts asking questions though after one or two attempts with turn downs. He has a high sex drive (like most men!) and she doesn`t understand why he is not trying.

 

Thanks again for your insight. It really helps me to see that I am not alone in how I feel.

[pureinheart]

I'm with Pure in this. It is really sad though that the OW/OM forum is working so poorly for people actually IN affairs, that you need to tell them that it might be better to PM.

 

 

 

The OP has clearly stated what her question is. Everything else should be considered a thread jack.

 

Lila, I really like your posts. I do hope you will continue writing on LS and not be discouraged by the poor welcome you have received so far. It usually gets better after a while when the other posters get used to you and realize you have your mind set on staying in the relationship.

 

I can see that your MM and you share everything just like I and my MM. When you have a deep level of intimacy, you do know that you can trust your partner and that he is not lying to you. My MM says it like this: "You are in my head. You see what goes on there."

 

Not only a thread jack, but a forum jack...I hear you Jennie.

 

I don't see this as a laughing matter at all, I don't believe it was a game that Lila's MM vried, men do not just cry for nothing, men have issues about crying (at least the men I have known), it takes a lot to make them cry.

 

ExDM did this also, quite frequently and it was no game, it was him being real. FTR, I am describing my situation and not making references concerning anyone else.

 

I was not exDM's lie, his life was, his M, everything. I was one of the only people he could trust outside of his sister. He felt trapped. ExDM cried frequently and we weren't having sex, so Lila it may not be the sex that is making him cry, the sex could be a trigger. ExDM's trigger was when he would have to go home. He hated leaving as he felt safe at my place, he liked the way I did business as far as taking care of my home and at the time I had my daughter and grandkids living with me.

 

My kids and grandkids were respectful to him, he did not receive that at home.

 

Yes Lila, I believe the sex is a trigger setting off a chain reaction of emotions that he does not know how to deal with...my heart goes out to all of you. I would have written this sooner, although I did not have the proper words as I have been dealing with a very bad situation at home, I was unable to think.

 

I would seriously suggest councelling for him, I cannot say on the open forum what my suspicions are, although I know he is dealing with something traumatic...

[jthorne]

So do you care to disclose what your "plan" is? Perhaps we could all learn something.

I'm still waiting to hear what the plan is. OP has brought it up more than once on this thread, so it's a legitimate question. Like I said, maybe we could learn something...

[BB07]

I am just wondering how other ap`s deal when their mm has sex with their bs. My MM has obligatory sex with his W like clockwork every 6 weeks. We look at it as a way to `manage`` the perceptions at home.

 

Everytime she starts asking for it, we get prepared for it and it is a very emotional time for both of us. He gets nervous, and I get jealous. the day after, he always breaks down crying and shares the details with me about how emotional it was . . . feeling guilty to her, to me, to his kids... It usually takes me a day or two to recover and not think about it.

 

We have tried not discussing it, but I know its very hard for him, and i want to be a support to him. Its also important for me (and him!) to know where he is at in his process at home in his decision making. He has agreed that if there is ever a small spark in any relations, he would jump on it and do what he can to make those embers grow.

 

We share everything, and I can``t imagine not sharing it, but it is very painful.

 

I'm going to respond to your original post as it's been a long thread and you've certainly caught a lot of grief and different opinions and some good information.

 

Maybe something that you should both seriously consider is to back off from the sex.....no I'm not kidding. If what you say is true....it's causing you both a lot of pain and grief, maybe it's not really worth it with circumstances being what they are right now. Obviously you can't go back and undo what has already been done, but you can change what you both choose to do in the future from this day forward and we all know that sex complicates any relationship regardless if it's a affair or not.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm going to respond to your original post as it's been a long thread and you've certainly caught a lot of grief and different opinions and some good information.

 

Maybe something that you should both seriously consider is to back off from the sex.....no I'm not kidding. If what you say is true....it's causing you both a lot of pain and grief, maybe it's not really worth it with circumstances being what they are right now. Obviously you can't go back and undo what has already been done, but you can change what you both choose to do in the future from this day forward and we all know that sex complicates any relationship regardless if it's a affair or not.

 

Backing off from sex would never have been an option for my MM and me. We both love our sex too much. What solved this problem for us was when my MM was ready to stop having sex with his wife. It took longer for him than for me to want to be exclusive, but he got there.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm with Pure in this. It is really sad though that the OW/OM forum is working so poorly for people actually IN affairs, that you need to tell them that it might be better to PM.

Maybe it's because affairs are really not a good idea and are legitimate legal grounds for divorce?

 

 

 

The OP has clearly stated what her question is. Everything else should be considered a thread jack.

This is an open forum.

Until the Mods tell us we are not entitled to our views and opinions - we're entitled to continue airing them.

I

 

Lila, I really like your posts. I do hope you will continue writing on LS and not be discouraged by the poor welcome you have received so far. It usually gets better after a while when the other posters get used to you and realize you have your mind set on staying in the relationship.

It's not a relationship. It's an affair. There is betrayal, broken trust and disrespect. There is little to commend it.

 

I can see that your MM and you share everything just like I and my MM. When you have a deep level of intimacy, you do know that you can trust your partner and that he is not lying to you. My MM says it like this: "You are in my head. You see what goes on there."

Trust? How can anyone trust someone who is such a blatant liar and operates in such an hypocritical way?

it's LUST, not trust.

Take the sex away, and there is no affair.

Anyone who tried to build something noble into something that has to be kept hidden, and held secret, because it is deceitful and hurtful, is seriously misguided.

there is nothing noble about lying, cheating and betrayal.

Thank you. Its nice to feel support.

I believe it's called "Honour amongst thieves".....

 

This is a huge help. My MM struggles with how my needs in the R changed when my H and I separated (i struggle too!). When I was with my H, the sex was not really as much of an issue with me and my AP. I was similar to my MM, in that I had a difficult time completing the act, and did it to keep up appearances.... but it soon became too much, and I just couldn`t do it anymore.

Whereas he's persevering.

What a hero.

Like I said: Women are led by the heart. Men have their minds in their loins.

 

When she initiates it, it is without passion - sort of a "duty" thing. Their M is in shambles, so it is easy for him to say no. She starts asking questions though after one or two attempts with turn downs.

 

You only know all this because of what he has told you.

You only believe all this because you believe him. Not because its necessarily true.

Unless you are there and in the room, you can never know this is the case.

So he doesn't want to, and she only does it out of a sense of duty?

What a titillating, sensual and highly erotically-charged engagement THAT must be.

he's unwilling, and she's reluctant.... yet the deed is done.

 

I DON'T BUY IT.

Not for a nanosecond.

 

He has a high sex drive (like most men!)

Not so... Most men are pretty average.

and she doesn`t understand why he is not trying.

I'm sure the thought doesn't even cross her mind. Again, unless she has told you this, I'd take his "not trying" with a pinch of salt.

 

Thanks again for your insight. It really helps me to see that I am not alone in how I feel.

And therein lies the tragedy.....

 

I don't see this as a laughing matter at all, I don't believe it was a game that Lila's MM vried, men do not just cry for nothing, men have issues about crying (at least the men I have known), it takes a lot to make them cry.

Not in my experience. Men can be just as emotional as women. My man cries relatively easily.

crocodile tears are another matter.

I think it's rather convenient that he offloads all his emotional baggage onto the OP.

I'm wondering if he feels the same kind of turmoil within himself, when he sees how deceitful and dishonest he's being to his wife.

 

I was not exDM's lie, his life was, his M, everything. I was one of the only people he could trust outside of his sister. He felt trapped. ExDM cried frequently and we weren't having sex,

Yes, but it seems they are, so that's the difference right there....

 

so Lila it may not be the sex that is making him cry, the sex could be a trigger. ExDM's trigger was when he would have to go home. He hated leaving as he felt safe at my place, (. . .)

Yes Lila, I believe the sex is a trigger setting off a chain reaction of emotions that he does not know how to deal with...(. . .)

I would seriously suggest councelling for him, I cannot say on the open forum what my suspicions are, although I know he is dealing with something traumatic.

..

 

Beautifully put.

if this isn't sufficiently persuasive to encourage the OP to stop having sex with him once and for all, I don't know is.

if sex is a trigger, he really should remain celibate and deal with his issues.

The extra-marital affair is absolutely not helping him at all, one iota. I'm with you on that, PiH, good points....

 

 

This guy has major issues. Talk about Lying....

He can lie with, lie to and lie about the two women in his life with absolute abandon, and it seems neither one of them is sufficiently open-eyed about his conniving nature, to call an abrupt halt to his little manipulative games.

Cushty little number.

I wish I had his chutzpah.....It would get me a pay rise, I'm sure.

Edited April 24, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[fooled once]

What I want, is MY man.

 

But he isn't "your" man. He is married to someone else. He can't be yours when he is bound to someone else, even if only buy a piece of paper. If he is 'yours' then I assume his wife knows he is taken and she is either willing to fight for him or divorce him.

 

And I find it interesting that the wife, who YOU say has no interest in sex, feels duty bound to ask her husband for it, knowing she will get rejected....that doesn't even make sense. He really has you believing all kinds of things.

 

Quite honestly, you have no idea what she thinks, feels or says. YOU aren't there when she is thinking something, feeling something or saying something.

[silktricks]

When she initiates it, it is without passion - sort of a "duty" thing. Their M is in shambles, so it is easy for him to say no.

 

I can believe a lot, but not this. If she isn't really interested, she won't initiate sex.

[lilagirl]

Maybe something that you should both seriously consider is to back off from the sex.....no I'm not kidding. If what you say is true....it's causing you both a lot of pain and grief, maybe it's not really worth it with circumstances being what they are right now. Obviously you can't go back and undo what has already been done, but you can change what you both choose to do in the future from this day forward and we all know that sex complicates any relationship regardless if it's a affair or not.

 

I don`t beleive that not having sex would change how I feel... at the end of the day - I love him, and thinking of him intimate with someone else, all-be-it, his w wld be diffifult regardless. Not to mention that our sex life is amazing.

 

6 weeks is pretty infrequent. But we are coming up to that time now, which is why i posed this question...its hard to brace myself...

[crazycatlady]

I'm sorry....I'm normally very sympathetic with the OW here, and everthing, but this whole thing just has me .

 

The hypocrisy....you have no right being upset. You knew he was married when you starting screwing him. You knew he had a wife. If its too hard for your to deal with without breaking down like this, then you need to back off and wait for him to deal with his spouse one way or another.

 

I know my H lied to his OW about how often we were doing it and how he felt about it. We talked about this last night. He lied to make her feel better. He never figured I would read it. But her self esteem was always pretty low and he felt she needed that boost. But it wasn't the truth. He wasn't doing to to manipulate her into staying in the affair or to feel sorry for him, but to feel better about herself. But he was lying no matter the reason.

 

But seriously, he's either playing you or the man needs to back off and figure out what he wants before he destroys himself with his conflict. Inwhich case staying with him as you are is only adding to his problems. If you care for him, backing off and giving him space to sort himself out is the kinder thing to do.

 

CCL

[MizzBlue72]

Well, MM was always intimate with his W. It was something that just was.

I don't know. At first - I was fine with it. After I divorced my H, it was harder. But what could I expect? I know he loves me too, and that's OK.

Now, he is soon to be D, and I still wonder. But again - it's OK.

[lilagirl]

I'm still waiting to hear what the plan is. OP has brought it up more than once on this thread, so it's a legitimate question. Like I said, maybe we could learn something...

 

Jthorne, I am not sure I am comfortable discussing that. The WWW is a small place, and our level of secrecy is high. On a basic level, our EA started because of a very specific, unique and serious need of his that was not being met, and I was natually meeting it as his best friend for many years. in the case of my MM, if this need is not met by his W, it affects his ability to live his life and be a father to his children. The plan is centered around it, and helping him get to a place where others in his life can meet this need natually as well. As I said earlier... I just want him at peace. I know he will be at peace with me, but if he can get there without me, I know him, his W and his children would be better off without the BS of a divorce.

 

Yes, I know that helping him get there without the love, sex, intimacy, and friendship would be much healthier and comendable for all...

Edited April 25, 2010 by lilagirl

[BB07]

I don`t beleive that not having sex would change how I feel... at the end of the day - I love him, and thinking of him intimate with someone else, all-be-it, his w wld be diffifult regardless. Not to mention that our sex life is amazing.

 

6 weeks is pretty infrequent. But we are coming up to that time now, which is why i posed this question...its hard to brace myself...

 

 

You are right, it isn't going to change how you feel, but it would make it a lot less complicated and a lot less fraught with conflict and guilt for him, now wouldn't it? Perhaps you should think seriously about why you feel as if you can't give it up. Do you feel like you would have less with him if you did?

 

 

You most likely don't know my back-story so here is a little bit of it. I started seeing my stbdsm when he was separated. He felt he had to go back to the marriage for reasons that I won't get into now. He went back....and he didn't intend to stay, but he did. Our affair lasted about a year and a half, before I walked away. Anyway......during the year and a half, we did not have sex, sure we wanted to and it was very hard not to and there were times when it just about drove both of us nuts, but we both knew if we did, it would make what was already very hard, even harder and more complicated. Even though he and I hadn't been together in that way, it bothered me to think of him with her, but yet I made a decision to not let it torture me, so when I would think of it, I'd let the thoughts slide away, because really......what was the point? He was married to her and yes most people that are married do have sex. To this day.....I've never asked him and he has never told me and I still think it's not something I need to know.

Edited April 25, 2010 by BB07

[TaraMaiden]

I don`t beleive that not having sex would change how I feel... at the end of the day - I love him, and thinking of him intimate with someone else, all-be-it, his w wld be diffifult regardless.

You really need to get over yourself.

if he is legally married to another woman, not only is his having sex with her, normal, but it's part of the package of being a lying cheater. He has access to the best of both worlds. And probably makes the most of it.

hell, why shouldn't he?

 

Not to mention that our sex life is amazing.

THIS - more than anything else you could possibly have said - utterly convinces me that he is absolutely blinding and blinkering you.

 

Every time he has sex with you, there should be the element of guilt, self-hatred, confusion, and he should be experiencing some kind of anxiety there, too.

you can't have a problematic sex life, one way only.

The guy is lying to you.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with his sex life with his wife.

he's covering up to make you feel better.

he can either get his pecker up - or he can't.

But if the sex is so wonderfully amazingly great with you - then he should either cut having sex with her altogether, because it obviously destroys his self-esteem, self-worth dignity and honour - or he should just really be honest with you and tell you, I have as much of a ball having sex with her as I do with you.

Face it. PLEASE!!

You can't have it both ways!!

 

 

6 weeks is pretty infrequent. But we are coming up to that time now, which is why i posed this question...its hard to brace myself...

You're kidding, right? Flicking a switch for the 'magic hour'...? You really, honestly truly believe it's been six weeks since he last screwed her?

Honey, I'm sorry but he's screwing you.

In more ways than one.

if he has a high sex drive, it's going to need petrol....

 

Jthorne, I am not sure I am comfortable discussing that.

That's ridiculous.

you're in the middle of a discussion about you and a MM, complaining about how dreadful having to make love to his wife is for you both, how traumatic, how soul-destroying and demoralising it is for him to have to make the heroic gargantuan effort to make love with her, and what dreadful damage it's doing to your affair - and you're not comfortable with discussing 'that'...?

 

The WWW is a small place, and our level of secrecy is high. On a basic level, our EA started because of a very specific, unique and serious need of his that was not being met, and I was natually meeting it as his best friend for many years.

Unless he's a rare blood type, and you're the same blood type, and he needs regular transfusions from you to keep alive - this is utter bullcrap.

There are no external emotional needs based on a psychological desire that anybody else can fulfil.

I'm sorry, but this is rubbish and I'm afraid I don't believe a word of it.

 

in the case of my MM, if this need is not met by his W, it affects his ability to live his life and be a father to his children.

good god, there are children.

the poor little buggers...having a father who plays people in this way.

This is getting less and less credible by the moment.

The plan is centered around it, and helping him get to a place where others in his life can meet this need natually as well.

 

so he's a polyandrist. he wants a harem of women to pander to his needs....

I'm just guessing here....but I'm afraid you really do need to share more, otherwise this man is an utter genius... how the hell does he manage to have you running around him like this?

Is this a Cult thing?

Are you being drawn into some kind of bizarre ritualistic practice...?!?

As I said earlier... I just want him at peace. I know he will be at peace with me, but if he can get there without me, I know him, his W and his children would be better off without the BS of a divorce.

You know nothing of the kind.

Consider this: If they divorce, you will have been instrumental in being directly and personally responsible for that divorce.

Adultery is grounds for divorce.

 

 

Yes, I know that helping him get there without the love, sex, intimacy, and friendship would be much healthier and comendable for all...

....But....?

 

"We love the sex, it's what keeps us together. Without the sex there would be no point in my staying."

 

Would there?

So really, what you are saying is that everything you have pointed out so far, is utterly ridiculous, because the one thing that keeps you submitting to his lies, deceit and philandering - is that the sex life is great?

 

is that it?

It's all about your jealousy and your sex life?

That's what it boils down to.

 

By your own admission, in your last comment.

Right there.

[Lovelybird]

Lila, this is my experience of dealing with my MM having sex with his wife.

 

In the beginning of our relationship both MM and I experienced a boost in our sex lives with our respective partners. We were at this time only having an EA.

 

It didn't take long though before MM was so torn by guilt and confusion that he began to have problems with ED, especially when he was with his wife. I guess he overcame this when he came to accept our relationship and stopped trying to break up with me every now and then.

 

My MM and his wife now continued their infrequent sex life from earlier. My MM would never tell me when they had had sex, but once in a while I would ask him and he would tell the truth. From the time on after I had broken up with my SO, I never liked it, it was hard on me. I considered it cheating. He knew this, and he explained it with that he had to keep up a normal appearance of a marriage since he was not ready to get a divorce or even tell the truth about the affair. He was afraid a non-existant sex life would lead to questions from the BS.

 

My MM never liked when I asked him about his sex life. Sometimes he would get angry, which is very atypical for him, but I guess who wouldn't, given I sent a text message asking if he had had sex lately with his wife when he was sitting with his family at an important gathering at school.

 

Anyway, it became longer and longer between the times they had sex. Until finally after several months of no marital sex and right after our NC period last fall, my MM responded to my question that he thought he could promise that he was not going to have sex with his wife anymore as long as he and I were in a relationship together. We have an agreement however that we are not bound by promises forever, they are an expression of his/my will at the moment and this might change. If he changes his mind he is the one responsible for telling me, I don't have to ask. Still I have asked at times, and he has confirmed the no sex.

 

I have asked him why don't you just stretch out your arm when in bed, you have a woman available to you right there. He says he has discovered he does not want to, she is not the woman he desires.

 

My MM's stopping to have sex with his wife, coincided with he and I growing closer and closer, and him stopping to say that he loved his wife when I pressured him about us.

 

Also my MM's fears about his wife getting suspicious of the no sex life have not been fulfilled. She has not brought up the subject.

 

My conclusion is, at least in my case, that my MM needed to move even closer to me and further from his wife to not have a desire to have a sex life with her. I saw this happen with myself and my SO as well, only it went quicker with me.

 

So that's my story, Lila, don't know if it is of any help to you, but I hope so.

You mean you trust a man who lies to his wife with whom he had children, you trust his words that he doesn't have sex with her? You need put a surveillance camera in their bed room, and find the ugly truth.

[Lovelybird]

I fail to see the benefit with a post like this. Lila is obviously content for now with her relationship, and she trusts her MM. Are you trying to save her from something she does not have a need to be saved from? Do you know better than she does what goes on in her life?

 

Lila specifically asked:

 

 

Do you, as an AP, have any experience of your own on this subject to share with Lila?

It fails to help her either if all you do is to enable her, and encourage her sitting in a colored bubble room, and get one more woman in your team

 

 

The only solution for OP, is to get used to share the same man, some people even get more excited when they have the experience of cockblock (not sure if this is the right word)--basically get more excited when watch their "loved" ones having sex with others,

 

Either you get more twisted, or get out, or learn to self-deceive like jenie-jenie, maybe the self-deception is a better way?

Edited April 25, 2010 by Lovelybird

[OWoman]

Every time he has sex with you, there should be the element of guilt, self-hatred, confusion, and he should be experiencing some kind of anxiety there, too.

you can't have a problematic sex life, one way only.

The guy is lying to you.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with his sex life with his wife.

he's covering up to make you feel better.

he can either get his pecker up - or he can't.

But if the sex is so wonderfully amazingly great with you - then he should either cut having sex with her altogether, because it obviously destroys his self-esteem, self-worth dignity and honour - or he should just really be honest with you and tell you, I have as much of a ball having sex with her as I do with you.

Face it. PLEASE!!

You can't have it both ways!!

 

That assertion is completely devoid of any medical understanding. As I've already explained:

 

Actually, ED can be caused by physical or psychological factors. If it's physical - like from diabetes, hypertension or such - then yes, it would occur in any context. Viagra (or one of its clones) helps in those cases.

If it's psychological, it will occur only in the cases where the stressor / psych factor operates, but not in others. This is a critical factor in diagnosis and prescribing. In fact, doctors used to routinely give men those perforated sticky things you get around the old kind of stamps, to test whether they experienced any erections or not (many men have erections in their sleep, that they're unaware of, so can't report on if asked.) Viagra will NOT help in cases where ED is psychologically caused, and couples are usually referred for sex therapy in those cases.

 

... but if you don't believe me (and why should you? Like anyone else, I could claim anything on the internet) you're welcome to check it out with a proper, qualified doctor.

 

That's ridiculous.

you're in the middle of a discussion about you and a MM, complaining about how dreadful having to make love to his wife is for you both, how traumatic, how soul-destroying and demoralising it is for him to have to make the heroic gargantuan effort to make love with her, and what dreadful damage it's doing to your affair - and you're not comfortable with discussing 'that'...?

 

 

Unless he's a rare blood type, and you're the same blood type, and he needs regular transfusions from you to keep alive - this is utter bullcrap.

There are no external emotional needs based on a psychological desire that anybody else can fulfil.

I'm sorry, but this is rubbish and I'm afraid I don't believe a word of it.

 

 

good god, there are children.

the poor little buggers...having a father who plays people in this way.

This is getting less and less credible by the moment.

 

LG - if you're not comfortable disclosing something here - then DON'T! You owe no one here - it's not up to you to convince the skeptics or win over the unbelievers. You need to protect your anonymity before all else - and TMI can be very very risky! DO NOT ever post more detail than you would be prepared to have your mother, your boss, or your BF read about you. You owe no one but yourself and your loved ones. Do not feel under pressure to respond!

 

As you say,

 

I am not sure I am comfortable discussing that. The WWW is a small place, and our level of secrecy is high. On a basic level, our EA started because of a very specific, unique and serious need of his that was not being met, and I was natually meeting it as his best friend for many years. in the case of my MM, if this need is not met by his W, it affects his ability to live his life and be a father to his children. The plan is centered around it, and helping him get to a place where others in his life can meet this need natually as well. As I said earlier... I just want him at peace. I know he will be at peace with me, but if he can get there without me, I know him, his W and his children would be better off without the BS of a divorce.

 

Your reasons are your own. You will never convince those who are unwilling to be convinced, so don't waste your efforts. And never compromise your anonymity because someone chooses not to believe something you say.

 

so he's a polyandrist. he wants a harem of women to pander to his needs....

 

I'm assuming you mean polygynist - nowhere has the OP said the MM was into men, of any number.

[OWoman]

It fails to help her either if all you do is to enable her, and encourage her sitting in a colored bubble room, and get one more woman in your team

 

 

The only solution for OP, is to get used to share the same man, some people even get more excited when they have the experience of cockblock (not sure if this is the right word)--basically get more excited when watch their "loved" ones having sex with others,

 

Either you get more twisted, or get out, or learn to self-deceive like jenie-jenie, maybe the self-deception is a better way?

 

Actually, it does help an OP to know that there is contestation and disagreement on a particular issue. It helps them to think, there are more views on this than just one, and perhaps I need to read and think and find out what's right FOR ME, rather than accepting like a sheep a view held by a mob simply because they're all shouting the same thing.

 

When I first posted here I was told similar things - "Your MM will never leave his BW"; "He's lying to you, as he is to her"; "you've never been inside their bedroom, how would you know"... etc etc. And, it was always phrased as "they NEVER leave"; "they ALWAYS lie to the OW"; "they ALWAYS have sex with the BW"... there was never any room for "maybe" or "usually" or even "almost always". And then.... he left her. And - guess what? Every single thing he'd told me was true. (I knew then, too - I'd seen the medical records; I'd seen their bedrooms; I'd heard from his family and from friends who'd stayed in their house; but mostly, I knew from observing him when he told me. He's not someone who can lie - it's pretty obvious when he's not telling the truth. Not that anyone on LS would have believed me if I'd told them, back then....)

 

I'm not saying, LG, that your MM IS telling you the truth, or that he is being honest about the state of his sex life with his BW.... but he might be. He might not, or he might. No one here has any more information on that than you do - our guesses are as good as yours. Believe what you will - but believe cautiously, on the basis of the best information you can get from whatever reliable sources - and act always in your own best interests.

[OWoman]

I can believe a lot, but not this. If she isn't really interested, she won't initiate sex.

 

My H's last few years of M were celibate. His BW - who had never been interested in sex before, unless she was wanting a child - started to feel something was amiss, and started initiating, in a half-hearted fashion (walking into his room, climbing into bed with him and scrabbling around a bit with his jewels, which he found mortifying beyond belief) or trying to seduce him with candle-lit dinner (having sent the kids away for the night) and copious amounts of wine... She wasn't interested in sex per se, but she did want him to want her. And when it was clear he wasn't interested - he'd even told her there was "someone else" although she chose not to believe that - she tried even sex to restore that power balance.

[OWoman]

But he isn't "your" man. He is married to someone else. He can't be yours when he is bound to someone else, even if only buy a piece of paper.

 

A man - just like a woman - "belongs" to whoever they've given themselves to, whosever they choose to be. A piece of paper is not proof of ownership, unless you live in a slave economy. Free will and the choice of the person in question is what determines which woman - if any - the man in question he "belongs" to.

 

My H was still "my" man even when he was still M to his xW - it took him a while to untangle all the bonds to free himself of her, but he made it abundantly clear to everyone throughout that he was mine, and not hers.

[BB07]

Actually, it does help an OP to know that there is contestation and disagreement on a particular issue. It helps them to think, there are more views on this than just one, and perhaps I need to read and think and find out what's right FOR ME, rather than accepting like a sheep a view held by a mob simply because they're all shouting the same thing.

 

When I first posted here I was told similar things - "Your MM will never leave his BW"; "He's lying to you, as he is to her"; "you've never been inside their bedroom, how would you know"... etc etc. And, it was always phrased as "they NEVER leave"; "they ALWAYS lie to the OW"; "they ALWAYS have sex with the BW"... there was never any room for "maybe" or "usually" or even "almost always". And then.... he left her. And - guess what? Every single thing he'd told me was true. (I knew then, too - I'd seen the medical records; I'd seen their bedrooms; I'd heard from his family and from friends who'd stayed in their house; but mostly, I knew from observing him when he told me. He's not someone who can lie - it's pretty obvious when he's not telling the truth. Not that anyone on LS would have believed me if I'd told them, back then....)

 

I'm not saying, LG, that your MM IS telling you the truth, or that he is being honest about the state of his sex life with his BW.... but he might be. He might not, or he might. No one here has any more information on that than you do - our guesses are as good as yours. Believe what you will - but believe cautiously, on the basis of the best information you can get from whatever reliable sources - and act always in your own best interests.

 

Very good post....OWoman! I'd just like to add a bit to it....it's very easy to get swayed here because posters are so passionate about their views. Some of it comes from bitter experience and often OW's are disappointed again and again by the men they allowed themselves to fall for. IMO it's just the nature of this place. Unhappy, disappointed, disillusioned OW's are here because LS is a place to seek help, not tell stories about happy ever after endings. Of course it would be very rare to find an OW who finds herself happy with the situation, that's a given.

 

Anyway......I think if a woman finds herself in the position of the OW, she needs to keep a very open mind, trust her gut instincts about the man himself and yes be skeptical and don't be a fool. Trust takes a long time to build in any relationship and due to the nature of an affair, trust is going to be even harder to come by. IMO.......a lot of the men who get into affairs are lacking something within themselves and the marriage is lacking something also. Whose fault, well we all know that marriage problems are never only one person's fault, it takes two to tango and a lot of times here at LS....all the blame is placed on the WS and the BS is easily excused for their part in the marriage issues that led up to the affair. Of course all bets are off for a serial cheater.

 

Just my 2 cents...........

[bananalaffytaffy]

Anyway......I think if a woman finds herself in the position of the OW, she needs to keep a very open mind, trust her gut instincts about the man himself and yes be skeptical and don't be a fool.

And oh yeah- while you're at it, be sure and conveniently forget there's a BS at home who is unknowingly being forced to live a lie.