Am i loosing my daughter???

[Med]

Can a person be this heartless? My ex-wife left me for another man last year in November and since then has played so many mind games using my teenage daughter who is 14 year old as a pawn to get to me & make my life miserable). Worst part my daughter is now aiding & a betting with her mum

 

 

This is the second time my ex-wife was caught cheating on me and I forgave her so we reconciled the first time she was caught, my biggest mistake as i have wasted some 16 years of my life for nothing i am now in my mid 40’s (a warning to others considering giving second chances, DO NOT DO IT…..LET THEM GO…... AND MOVE ON RUNNN IF THERE IS NO CHILDREN).

 

Our beautiful & bright 14 year old daughter was born a year or so after my ex-wife was caught cheating on me the first time (we got together again). Then probably started again as far as few years ago which i have found out recently from emails etc;. Note I have never cheated on her.

 

One evening in middle of November 2009 (nearly six months ago now) she just picked up as many things as she could around the house when me & the child were out and left me & my daughter to fend for our self’s so she can be with this new guy, my child was extremely hurt by a letter left by her mother. Then she does this cry game strait after the next day or the second day that I am not allowing her to see the child! Come Christmas my daughter goes to spent some time with her mum at her boyfriends house for Christmas 2009 this is for a few days, when my daughter comes back she had been changed, a person i almost do not know anymore who is now displaying similar resentment behaviour as her mum to me & her grand parents! (my parents).

 

Worst of it is that my daughter is playing her mums games together & doesn’t display any feelings of emotions such as warm affection to me any longer, is not talkative, doesn’t want to do any activities with me of any sort now, not even clean up after her self on any small mess she makes, when she is with mum she is all high as a kite & happy. Her grandmother (my mum) cleans her things as some are private “a female thing” her mother has not any time asked her to bring them over to get them washed! I can’t even get my daughter to bed when she has to without any dramas!

 

The mother says she will pay for her share of costs such as schooling fees & other needed items as i am the one who pays now because my daughter lives with me as i am the main custody parent not equal share (will be soon). She’s been saying this for months now but nothing has been shared!

 

Saddest part is that my daughter has gone to her mums path, all i want is for my daughter, is to love us equally rather then take sides besides i am not the one who left the family to be with someone else so why am i the one who is feeling like the guilty one?

 

Since browsing this helpful forum for two months now i have come to realize my ex-wife decided to detach from me a few years ago & as a result my daughter was around to see her behavior towards me during the detaching years. Some pointless arguments & i could never understand why? till i came across this helpful forum. But i do not think she has fully detached from me as i have seen the saddest puupy eyes coming from her but unfortunately i am not interested in reconciling, never again, i am moving on.

 

 

Why do i feel like that my daughter is detaching from me?, is she or am i imagining all this? I am stressed & wit’s end help what can i do?! I don’t want to loose my daughter

[bentnotbroken]

Unfortunately there won't be much you can do except.......Show your child love and kindness. Never give up. Even when she is emulating your wife and making the same poor choices. Let her know you will always be there for her even when she doesn't want you to. Let her know no matter how hard she tries to push you away, you will not leave.

 

It will be the hardest thing you ever had to do and it will hurt like hell, but it will be so worth it. One note, set a standard of respect. That means you will call her on disrespecting you in anyway. If she is wrong let her know that. It is the only way she will be able to compare and analyze the actions of you and her mom. Tell her you will treat her with respect and dignity, but you will expect the same and won't settle for less.

 

Take into consideration, she is also in the middle of one of the most difficult hormonal times in a young woman's life. Her perception of life is skewed and there will be times when she won't act appropriately simply because of hormones and her frontal lobes(reasoning and complete understanding) aren't fully developed yet. That happens around 25 years old. You aren't alone. God bless.

[Eve]

What Bent said.

 

Never give up. Never.

 

When I have been going through my experiences with my rebellious teen daughter I have kept things in perspective by remembering that kids have to detach from their parents at some point. Many say that you lose them when they are around 14 - 15 years old and get them back in their early twenties! So yes, keep up the boundaries with regard to respectful speech and calling things as you see fit as a parent .. but try not to have too tight a reign because she must find out things for herself.

 

Hubby and I opted for Family Therapy in the end and that seems to have done the trick and we have our girl back again after a prolonged battle or two. She is not even rebellious anymore to be honest..

 

Be authentic and keep your chin up.

 

It is a shock when this happens and my heart goes out to you because she is imitating her Mum in many respects but remember sweetheart.. she probably is scared that her Mum will reject her if she doesnt behave like her. Sad fact is, this is probably true. I have seen it with my Hubbys ex wife (who is the ultimate whore of whores - she is moving out man number 12 at the moment for another equally stupid man). My Hubbys boys went through the bad behaviour bit too because of her..

 

But.. as I always say to my children, 'I'll love you forever, not just a day'. Never give up but dont let her rule the house under any circumstances.

 

Also keep your humour. Guard it in fact. As serious as things may be make sure you do not stop living because of this situation. You are the lead parent in all this. Dont lose confidence, get positive support out there in real life. There are plenty of people going through the same thing. Find support in those who love you and keep it real.

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve xx

Edited April 23, 2010 by Eve

[Med]

Thanks guy’s “hugs” to both of you for the healing words of wisdom.

 

Up date;

 

We now have 50/50 shared parenting, one week with me & one week with her mum or seven days btw us, it started yesterday & we also are going to be sharing costs of up bringing. I'm in Australia so the courts / law here prefere in what's in the best interests to the child idealy a 50/50 scenario.

 

I am truly hoping my daughter doesn’t get hurt by my ex wives bad choices in life & yes it sure does hurt like hell as a parent seeing my daughter being in the middle of this farce created by a cheating spouse.

 

 

Can only hope for the better now & see if this 50/50 shared parenting scenario actually will work for us?…The ex wife is still persistent with her mind games so am trying my best not to involve my daughter in any way but simply be her loving dad.

 

Med

Edited May 8, 2010 by Med

[bentnotbroken]

Hang on with all that you have and I believe that she will see what's real love and what is the fluff. God bless.

[Eve]

50-50 is the way to go, OP.

 

I strongly believe in such arrangements rather than paying the other parent for time spent with their child.. I have no time for such rubbish.

 

Keep going.

 

Remember to focus on the fact that you love this child. Concentrate on fun times as well as the discipline aspect of things.

 

Be yourself above all else.

 

Your ex will come unstuck one day and when that happens.. be there for your daughter. All roads end at the same destination really in any true parenting situation.. just being there for your precious girl. As hard as it may seem, dont concentrate on what the ex in doing, this can be lethal.

 

Chin up!

 

Find interesting things to do together and apart. Time goes quickly and remember that your girl is going to spend more time as an adult than she will as a child, so value each moment please..

 

My once rebellious teen and I have found that decorating together is maddening at times but really fun!

 

Stay positive. You are the lead parent, dont lose confidence.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Lizzie60]

I agree that the best scenario is what's best for the child.. and it's NOT always 50/50.. it depends on each situation.

 

As far as your daughter.. trust her intelligence.. she might be too young now to verbalize her feelings and what she understands from the situation... but keep supporting her.. love her.. and trust me.. she will eventually know who's right and who's wrong..

 

Children become adults..

[Med]

"Hug" again guy's

 

I know a 50 / 50 scenario doesn't work with everyone, hoping it does for us? I'll always be there for my daughter even when it hurts me as hell. It's hard for me personanly because being the only child "with no other siblings" nor do i have any relatives here in Australia only my old folks & one freind, all my relatives are over in Europe. Lost a lot of my freinds because of her

 

Now on my way back to start real living, but am not interested in the dating scene as of yet, maybe in another six months time "when it's one year since separation or when finally divorced". Now it's about me and my own world, getting fitter & catching up with old friends.

 

Thanks again for the words of wisdom...And life goes on...

 

Med short for Mediterranean...

[turnera]

There's a website called www.daughters.com that was started by a father, about raising daughters. I brought my DD19 up on their newsletter (now defunct); we would sit and read it together, and discuss all the issues that are brought up in it. Do the same with her, but you'll have to use their website, or print out the material. It was invaluable! It gave us a chance to discuss issues she was having, it taught us a lot about men and their daughters, just a ton of great stuff. And it will make her closer to you, to see you so interested.

 

Girls her age absolutely HAVE to have their dad on their side, no matter how rude she gets to you; that's her way of testing your love. Just grin and bare it, never stop loving her. She'll get it.

 

She is learning how to deal with men based on how you treat her. Teach her morals, be strict but loving, do NOT spoil her! Make her earn what she gets. Give her chores. Reward her hard work. Work on projects together (one of the best things you can do). You'll be fine.

[Med]

Up date.

 

After one & half year, I’m sad to say it’s worse then ever. My daughter has shut off me totally & would not listen to anything I say, be it morals or advice etc; NOTHING. The damage has been done permanently I’m afraid, sure she’ll grow up & realize but the scares will be ever present now through out the years.

 

I do not blame my daughter in any way, the friction caused by my ex has further alienated us beyond repair I believe. If one of you are with the children, do not in any way try & cause friction btw the other parent. It’s just plain child abuse at it’s worst & shame on you if you are.

[Tayla]

I am not in your shoes but have gone down the path your daughter has chosen. Man oh Man, the last thing I wanted to hear from my parents was "I am beyond repair, or the love they have for my being is permanently Damaged". I made HUGE mistakes yet well earned lessons during the teen/young adults years. My birth father and I never made amends before his death yet unlike most folks I have no regrets for that decision. Now the man who was my DAD in every sense of the word, I regret not making amends too....

What I am trying to get at is simple, until the casket is closed, give love a chance to work its ways for you both. It can happen and like so many folks who go thru the turmoil of parent/child relations, I pray you gain solitude in knowing when the child is ready , be ready to welcome her back.....

[Med]

I am not in your shoes but have gone down the path your daughter has chosen. Man oh Man, the last thing I wanted to hear from my parents was "I am beyond repair, or the love they have for my being is permanently Damaged".

 

No words have been said, no arguments have been had regarding her mum & the situation btw me & her mum. Only day to day things like any normal family stuff. Children feel when you're stressed out, restless & so on. Whats happened is that we've become so separate now & no longer any father to daughter feelings btw us like it really should be. The scares i'm referring in case i need to explain my self, is that she may have difficulty having normal relationships with the opposite sex later in life etc;

 

One thing some ex's don't understand or realize is that when you hurt the significant other with your mind games the child feels it always, see my ex never got to really understand what family unit really meant, she always had a problem with understanding this due to bad family up bringing & she knows it "she has confided about this to me many years ago" they had the habit of putting each other down in her family in front of strangers, pity i found out too late about this.

 

We are a different case & hope you have found peace sincerely.

Edited March 8, 2011 by Med

[lavidaloca]

Med...I understand you want to get the message out that it's unhealthy and harmful for an ex to do as yours has done regarding your daughter...but please don't focus on what SHE is doing. Instead keep the focus on you and your daughter. Focus on what you're doing alone. Be mindful of what you might be saying (even if subconsciously) about her mother.

 

Try to get in some father/daughter time doing things that she likes. Keep at it and don't give up. She will grow and mature, and will realize who's been there in the healthiest way possible. You can't change what someone else does, all you can do is be the best you and father that you can. She'll come around.

[Med]

Up date;

 

Saga still on going. We are now divorced after two attempts for her to sign the divorce papers, she refused to sign them even her knowing we would never reconcile, in the end the court was pleased she was served & approved the divorce other wise we would never be divorced now at 30 months since separation. Next is the property settlement, she is now refusing to sit down & agree to a settlements as if its my problem only after 30 months of no luck. I'm unable to move on as i'm financial tied up & unable to move around in life nor can i help my daughter finacially in any way "im very limited here now after so long". I feel like i'm black mailed by this women i call ex wife. She is aware of this & is taking advantage of it

 

I'm sensing she is just dragging things as much as possible to attempt to destroy me financially as i'm drying up on real cash to try & stay alive also to destroy any relationship i have btw my daughter.

 

Well she has succeeded in convincing me maybe i should just walk away from my child's life & hoping my daughter comes to me on her own accord without her mum in the way. At almost 17 i think my daughter is old enough to decide on her own accord.

 

I cant believe how evil & childish my ex can be at most times, she rather fulfill her ego self then meet the child's needs

 

Now hoping all is over in a few months as i've instructed a lawyer to have a property settlement court order done, if she doesn't come to agree for a settlement after two times, a decision will be made with her absence.

 

Im at wit end folks, at my wits end...........

Edited May 13, 2012 by Med

[Med]

My daughter was 14 now she is almost 17....long time has passed with almost no results

 

I give up....

[Feelsgoodman]

Our beautiful & bright 14 year old daughter was born a year or so after my ex-wife was caught cheating on me the first time (we got together again).

I hate to be asking this, but are you 100% certain that your beautiful and bright 14 year old daughter is, in fact, your daughter?

[turnera]

When I turned 16, my dad told me 'you're old enough to get a drivers license. You can come to my house to see me now when you want to.' Can't you do that?

[Med]

@ feelsgoodman. She is diffidently 150% my daughter, i had done a dna test back when she was one years of age, my folks had asked me to do it then.

 

@ turnera. Only if it was possible, but not where i am from in Australia, Australian laws one gets their learners permit at 16 & then is able to apply for a license at 18 years of age.

 

Shortly im really gonna confront my daughter as i believe she is old enough to understand things better , before there were obstructions "also legal reasons" as well as having this fear that i might be accused of trying to instill ideas in her or my kid see me trying to turn her against her mum BUT now its all different play feild & the setting is right. As a parent i have every damn right to confront my kid politely as to why the bad behavior / hostility towards me when it wasn't me who screwed up, amazing how an adulterer / cheating parent can twist things and make you look like the bad person in order to try & justify their twisted views of events to ease their guilt.

 

Thanks for your help, always appreciated.

[turnera]

May I respectfully suggest that confront and politely are oxymorons.

[Med]

I will approach is what i really meant, been a long day for me.

[SarahRose]

i wouldn't confront her.

 

don't take the anger at you ex out on your daughter.

 

this went on when my son was younger and he wanted to live with his dad and his dad bad mouthed me and my son was against me for awhile.

 

he isn't now. i just kept reaching out being a loving parent and finally he came around. kids grow up and have a mind of their own and they see how things really are and they come around.

[turnera]

The #1 secret to having a great relationship with your daughter: 100% open conversations in which she can say anything to you and you never, ever judge her. Just keep telling her over and over again that you will never judge her and you'll never stop loving her; you may be unhappy with her actions from time to time, but it will never affect your love for her. My DD21 didn't really believe me at first when I said that, she tried me out a couple times, and I never judged her; in fact, I gave her advice on what I would do in her situation, helped her see other viewpoints, so she could make a more logical decision. Now I am her best friend - I am the ONLY person in the world she can tell anything to and feel safe. You can imagine how much my relationship with her differs from hers with her dad.

 

The other thing I did that made the second biggest difference is we started taking the dog for a walk. Walking side by side is non-confrontational, you don't have to look at each other, you're together for a long time (til you get home), you have to find things to talk about...the longer you do it, the more comfortable she feels talking to you. And conversation is the key to a great relationship. Find a reason to go on walks.

[gabrielly]

Never give up!You can solve your problems!I believe in you!