Boyfriend cheated on vacation...

[kokogirl]

Hello all,

 

This is actually the first time I post on a forum... I am in desperate need for opinions from people I don't know

 

A little over a year ago, I started dating a guy I had known a few years back. He had somehow always gave me the impression of someone not interested in getting seriously involved, but we went to have a beer one night and finally really hit it off.

 

Few days later, I told him I didn't think we should be dating because I didn't think we were after the same thing. We had a long conversation about it, during which he explained he was looking for a steady girlfriend and only hadn't found what he was looking for yet. He sounded really honest, and I believed him.

 

A month or so later, he went on vacation to Thailand for three weeks with a friend. Before he left, we talked about staying faithful, and he told me several times "he got into something serious with me because it mattered to him".

 

During the time he was gone, I received very few emails from him, and the ones I did receive did not sound passionate at all. I actually even emailed him my concerns, basically saying I knew the people we meet when we travel all look perfect because we're all devoid of responsibilities. (I know it may sound much for new relationship, but we had known one another for quite a while back, so it wasn't like I was a stranger to him.) He replied I shouldn't worry, that he was excited to see me again. After that, he kept writing he loved me.

 

I picked him up from the airport when he got back (I work there, so I basically waited for him after my shift), at which time he seemed a bit down, but I assumed it was because he had to go back to a job he hates. He talked about moving to Thailand, how much he loved it there, etc. I didn't think much about it, because I too often talk like that when I get back from vacation.

 

But as the days went by, that little voice inside my head kept yelling something was wrong. In Thailand, he traveled most of the time with two people (1 guy, 1 girl) he had met while studying a foreign language abroad for a month 3 years before. The girl posted their travel pics online, and quite frankly they looked like pictures of a couple on vacation. I did talk about this with him, saying they looked really close...he said again they were just friends, that she was happy to guide him around the country, etc. But I could tell it was right.

 

So a month after he got back, I checked his email while he was napping. (I know this is absolutely wrong, but I was absolutely desperate) I found dozens of love notes, my boyfriend telling the thai girl he couldn't believe he had fell in love in such a short time, that her lips were so soft, that he wanted to move there to be with her, that distance wouldn't change anything, that he didn't love anyone else, etc.

 

I was absolutely crushed, grabed my stuff and left, not thinking I'd ever see him again. After a week or so, I finally picked up one of his calls. He said he and this girl had been talking for 3 years, that when he made plans to visit we weren't dating yet, that he didn't want to tell her about me because it would ruin the trip. He also said that SHE only kissed him for 2 seconds at the airport, and that he only kept sending her emails because he didn't want to break her heart because he felt she was a nice person. He said he was very confused at the time, but that by the time I found out he had choose me. I was really dissapointed in him, but I eventually decided to stay in the relationship. He swore that was all there was to it, that he really loved me, that he was a confusing time for him, but that he was determined to make our relationship work.

 

The rest of the summer was great, and in the fall he asked me to move in. I thought it was too soon, but I gradually started spending more and more time at his place. I finally moved in around December. I wasn't sure it was the right move, but it was otherwise very difficult to see one another given my bizarre schedule.

 

The relationship had its ups and downs, and I did find that whole moving in together difficult. We don't necessarily have the same outlook on life in general. But we did love each other.

 

Because of that rough start in our relationship, I never entirely trusted him. He has many female friends (many more than male friends), and I sometimes find that hard to accept given that was never the case in my previous relationships. What bothers me most is his tendency to always make new female friends; I don't really mind the old ones.

 

Few weeks ago, our relationship (from my point of view) started unravelling. You know that little voice inside your head that tells you when something is wrong? Mine is always surprisingly accurate, but I tend to ignore it. I lost all resemblance of a libido, because I didn't fell emotionally engaged.

 

From distance I saw he had received another email from the thai girl. I couldn't bear not knowing, especially given I wasn't feeling too good. So I went to read it, and found out they had actually slept together. I was so crushed I almost passed out. I mostly forgot how all of this unfolded, but I basically woke him up and started packing everything I owned extremely hastily and left.

 

His explanation was that he was really confused, that when he realized how serious it was going to be between us he felt so bad that he wanted to forget it happenned, that he couldn't owe himself to it. What really bothers me is that he said "after you learned about the letters and the kissing, I didn't think you needed to know the rest, otherwise you would have dumped and we wouldn't have spent this amazing year together" He said he emailed her because after he had left he had learned from her friends that he didn't mean anything to her, that she was in love with someone else, etc. and that he wanted an explanation. He keeps telling me it was a year ago, that I should focus on what was good in the last year and forget about the whole deal.

 

But to me it just doesn't feel right. I don't think I can ever trust him again. He never told me anything about the thai girl that I hadn't already found by myself by snooping in his things. After he told me about the kiss he swore that was all. When he was in Thailand, he still said he loved me. And I don't think he would still talk to her if she didn't matter to him at all. Ok, it was in the beginning of the relationship, but what he says doesn't correspond at all to what he told me then. He didn't go away saying, "we'll see what happens when I get back".

 

He's been rather comprehensive since last week, telling me he'll wait until I get better and forgive him. But the little voice inside my head tells me that if he was able to cheat of his girl in the beginning of the relationship and never voluntarily admit it, he is bound to do it again.

 

I'm interested in hearing what you guys think. Any opinion would be greatly appreciated.

 

Cheers

[bananarama1]

i wouldnt let my bf go there ..hehe

u shouldve gone w/ him.

 

anyway this ship has sailed, bid him farewell and go on ur merry way.

[lkjh]

He cheated and lied a lot, what else is there to say

[TaraMaiden]

I'm just wondering if you keep hearing this little voice in your head, and it's so damn phukkin' accurate, why you don't listen to it.

 

Walk away, take long strides in the opposite direction, and leave him to his little Thai take-away.

Basically, what he's doing is reverse dumping.

he's getting you to make his mind up for him.

he's putting it on you to ditch him, because it's so much easier than him having to man up and do it.

 

That little voice not tell you that?

[Romance]

You're clearly not happy with him. I'd NEVER be able to trust my boyfriend if he did that to me. Seriously, I'd cry and be so crushed. So crushed. No trust would be in our relationship.

[mansquito]

He lied to you for a year. This:

 

"after you learned about the letters and the kissing, I didn't think you needed to know the rest, otherwise you would have dumped and we wouldn't have spent this amazing year together"

 

...is a load of complete bull. He phrased it like he's "protecting" you from the truth, but in reality, he's too much of a coward to face the consequences of his own behavior.

 

Leave him and don't look back.

[Woman In Blue]

He also said that SHE only kissed him for 2 seconds at the airport, and that he only kept sending her emails because he didn't want to break her heart because he felt she was a nice person. He said he was very confused at the time

Liar. He wasn't "confused" at all. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. The second I read this bullsh*t about HER kissing him for "2 seconds," I knew it was bull.

 

So I went to read it, and found out they had actually slept together.

I think everyone reading your post already knew that, loud and clear. I'm glad the truth finally came out about it.

 

His explanation was that he was really confused...

Does this little weasel EVER use any other excuse besides this one? Oh yes, confusion makes us ALL have sex with others and proclaim our love to them. This guy is such a loser.

 

He keeps telling me it was a year ago, that I should focus on what was good in the last year and forget about the whole deal.

LOL. Jackass. I'm sure he would love you to forget all about it. How does the fact that it happened a year ago change the dirty deed? Oh that's right - it doesn't.

 

But to me it just doesn't feel right. I don't think I can ever trust him again.

And with damned good reason.

 

But the little voice inside my head tells me that if he was able to cheat of his girl in the beginning of the relationship and never voluntarily admit it, he is bound to do it again.

That's a very smart voice, and you'd be a fool NOT to listen to it.