A letter I did not want to see.

[Lettergirl]

Well I came across this email that my husband has written to his "pen-pal" friend that he met on a business trip - it was quite an eye opener as you can expect. All names have been changed...but I am the nice 2nd wife he refers to in the letter. I just wanted to get some unbiased opinions as to what he is doing, is he just rehashing the past or is he longing for a lost love or a new one??

 

Hi,

 

As I look back over the last 7 months, I feel

like it's a good time for me to relate the evolution

of my feelings, as I continue to try to understand

everything from my point of view. I'll go over points

I've already talked about, introduce a story I

promised you and try to bring everything together.

 

My first wife was a good person and I was looking

forward to having children with her. She became

pregnant, but early on in the pregnancy, she lost the

child. It was a difficult time and I tried to be very

supportive. However, something changed and I'll never

understand it. She decided that I drank too much,

that I would be a terrible father and she didn't want

to have children with me. That was devastating. I

knew she was affected badly from having grown up with

an alcoholic dad, who could become quite mean. She

always had a little trouble with my drinking, but I

never thought I drank too much, and I certainly wasn't

a mean drunk. The idea of going on in the marriage

without ever having kids was not acceptable. We went

to marriage counseler but it became evident she wasn't

going to change her mind and if I was going to have

kids, I'd have to go elsewhere.

 

Somewhere in that time frame, I met Gwen,

Almost immediately, I experienced feelings I never

knew existed. I fell completely in love with her. It

didn't matter what we were doing, we could always

laugh together, we would share our thoughts and

feelings, we could talk about anything and we would

always want to be together. There's something to be

said about being around someone that always makes you

feel good about yourself.

 

There were two major problems. First, she was

married, and even though it wasn't the best of

marriages, she felt a sufficient amount of commitment

to keep it going. Secondly, she didn't want to have

kids. Her brother was schizophrenic and she was

always afraid of that potential for her own kids.

Well, after a couple of years of wonderful closeness,

I had to move on if I was to get married and have

kids. I met a good person, Sally, someone who

hadn't been married before, someone that wanted kids

and someone who had a nice, close family. Just before

I asked Sally to marry me, I went to Gwen one last

time. As much as I wanted kids, I was willing to give

up that prospect in order to be married to her. It

was an emotional moment for both of us, but a part of

my love for Gwen was her morality, the morality of a

person who couldn't abandon a marriage, and it was

that morality that doomed any possibilities.

 

I certainly found love with my children, and

though not the same as a loving relationship with an

adult, it obviously is so very fulfilling. Each is a

unique treasure that gives me so much pleasure.

 

Emotionally, everything was going at a nice

steady level until I met you. Out of the blue, I was

overwhelmed with feelings I knew very well. It was

wonderful being with you, but my feelings were so out

of proportion to the amount of time we spent together.

My mind began racing so very fast. I knew the

reality of the situation then and I still know the

reality now. At the time, I didn't know what

direction to take, and at that time a poem came out.

When I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to you, I

went ahead and found your email address (it was quite

a challenge) to write you, to go somewhere with the

emotions that had taken hold of me. I was trying to

express my feelings and I was trying not to make you

uncomfortable with any of it. It was very awkward and

unpredictable. A lot of me and my emotions were

tangled up, and I'm not quite sure what I was writing

and how you were taking it. I would send something to

you and then think how you must have thought I was a

nut. I was always thankful that you seemed to

understand and just went with the flow, letting me go

in whatever direction was coming out.

 

I knew what my emotions were then, and without

really knowing you, I made a lot of assumptions as to

what type of person you are. As I think of it now, I

must have made some internal connection between you

and Gwen and just assumed you were like her. And I

can honestly say, everything additional I've learned

about you thru your writings has never contradicted my

initial assumptions. Something about you made a

connection with my soul and I'm grateful for that and

any further communications.

 

What started out as a bonfire, hot and blowing

every which-way, is now just burning embers. It's now

an under control, nice feeling. I'm extremely grateful

that you allow me to work things out with these kind

of writings, and hopefully, this will be the last of

my need to re-visit the past. It's not that I mind

talking about any part of my past, it's just that I'm

a bit uncomfortable with the NEED to do it.

 

I like hearing from you, the nice everyday sort

of things and I hope you like hearing about my

everyday things. Not too many everyday things in this

writing, but I'll do better next time. I wish you the

best.

[BabyGirl]

Did he have an affair with this woman? It sounds that way to me....although it sounds like a short one. He's turning to someone else for emotional support for some reason.

[moimeme]

Oh, 'Sally' - that must hurt!

 

He's saying that he will stay with you and he's telling the other woman to just remain pals. Unfortunately, he mourns a past love that he can't ever have. I have known people who have stayed in relationships knowing they are not their partners' first loves. I'm not sure how they manage; it'd be awful hard on me, were that to happen.

 

I'm very sorry you found this. Clearly, he has no plans to leave you but this information must be crushing.

What do you think you'll do?

[Lettergirl]

They supposedly did not have a physical affair, they went out to dinner one night and talked ... if you can believe, but from what emails I have glimsed from her don't indicate that she has the same type of connection with him. She writes about her family, yes even her husband. He actually asked to meet her in one of their emails but she declined.

We have been having our ups and downs for a while now, but have tried to get back to communicating in the last 3-4 months. He told me about his penpal and how writing to her helps him sort out some of his mental stress??

Not sure how far I will take this, I've actually taken to writing him a few emails myself and expressing some long pented up feelings I have had, not really sure how he is taking it!

[Errol]

Wow. I am SO sorry that this is happening to you. It must be very painful.

 

I can tell you my impression of the letter.

 

He loved someone who did not want kids and kids were very important.

 

He loved someone and greatly admired her for her morality -- she would not leave a marriage. He is holding her as his own role model to not leave his marriage to you.

 

He met you and "settled" because you could give him children. He cared about you and felt he could be content with you as the mother of his children. But he still yearned for "Gwen" so much so, that he moved her to the top of his priority list -- above children -- and would have left you had Gwen said yes to him.

 

He met this other woman who reminded him of Gwen and ignited his personal passion. Now he is torn between honestly caring about you and your feelings and his own feelings of something unfulfilled.

 

Now that he has his children -- he is yearning for his own passions again and is searching for them with this Gwen-substitute, who gives him something that he has never found with you.

 

It's not you at all - there is nothing wrong with you in anyway, but the spark has never been there between you two and he acknowledges that.

 

I would be devastated to have found this out. I don't know what to say to you. Whether he has acted on his feelings yet or not, I think its just a matter of time. If I found this letter I would probably confront him with it and demand some answers-- and a therapist to help with the emotions and to sort this through.

 

Hugs to you.

[look forward]

I am so sorry you have found this and can only begin to imagine how crushing this must feel..

 

I think that even though your husband is saying he will stay in a relationship with you its only a matter of time before his true feelings outway his commitment to you.. like Errol says he is looking for his own passion. The thing is what will you do about it.. If it were me I would have to confront him as how can you carry on in silent tourture knowing he is feeling like this he may have settled but it doesn't mean you have to.. find the courage and strength within to confront him for the sake of your sanity and self worth, and perhaps condiser counselling for the both of you..

 

Best of luck to you

 

Lug and hugs xxxx