"dating"? an ex boyfriend

[Scarlett513]

I dated this guy for a few months in the winter before we broke up. I'd say the fault for the break up was partly him, partly me. I felt that he was unattentive at times, and he felt that I put too much pressure on him. We were technically broken up for a few weeks but never did NC and those few weeks were spent basically figuring out whether we could work things out.

 

Against my better judgment, I eventually agreed to a "non-relationship" with him. I don't like FWB situations, or breaks. Either we are together or we're not. But I wasn't ready to give up on things and so I caved. For the past month and a half, we have been doing everything like you would in a relationship. He calls me all the time, makes plans with me for the future (even talks about marriage & kids with me), and we've agreed to a sexually exclusive relationship.

 

Things between the two of us have been great, except that at this point I'm tired of our situation. I've tried to talk to him about this but I don't want to feel like I'm forcing a relationship, and I don't want to be with someone I have to force. He's reluctant to define what we have as a relationship, and it's really turning me off. He says this works better than before so why change it, and he likes having "no pressure." Like he doesn't have to call me if he doesn't want to....yet he calls me every day anyway.

 

I've been getting mixed advice from friends. Some who say, let him call it whatever he wants, it's the same thing anyway, and others who think he likes keeping his options open and is waiting for something better to come along while keeping me as a safety net.

 

I guess I'm just looking for your unbiased opinions. Any input would be appreciated. I'm worried that I'm comprimising myself by hanging around with him without any committment from him.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

It looks like he's giving you what you want, without the title. Why not compromise, if he's going to be attentive and into you, who cares what it's called. Why do you feel like you're waiting around?

[Scarlett513]

I guess I'm worried about WHY he won't just call it what it is. Is he just keeping me around while looking for something better? I've been in a similar situation before - where all signs pointed to a relationship even though it wasn't labeled as one - and then one day the guy tells me he's looking for a girlfriend but it's not going to be me.

 

I feel like there's a reason he won't commit... and should I be waiting around for someone who isn't sure I'm good enough for them or not?

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Those are certainly viable concerns. I guess you just have to talk to him, and tell him where your fear is coming from. It's eventually going to make things toxic, so I suggest if he feels too much pressure, that you just end it.

[runner]

I dated this guy for a few months in the winter before we broke up. I'd say the fault for the break up was partly him, partly me. I felt that he was unattentive at times, and he felt that I put too much pressure on him. We were technically broken up for a few weeks but never did NC and those few weeks were spent basically figuring out whether we could work things out.

 

Against my better judgment, I eventually agreed to a "non-relationship" with him. I don't like FWB situations, or breaks. Either we are together or we're not. But I wasn't ready to give up on things and so I caved. For the past month and a half, we have been doing everything like you would in a relationship. He calls me all the time, makes plans with me for the future (even talks about marriage & kids with me), and we've agreed to a sexually exclusive relationship.

 

Things between the two of us have been great, except that at this point I'm tired of our situation. I've tried to talk to him about this but I don't want to feel like I'm forcing a relationship, and I don't want to be with someone I have to force. He's reluctant to define what we have as a relationship, and it's really turning me off. He says this works better than before so why change it, and he likes having "no pressure." Like he doesn't have to call me if he doesn't want to....yet he calls me every day anyway.

 

I've been getting mixed advice from friends. Some who say, let him call it whatever he wants, it's the same thing anyway, and others who think he likes keeping his options open and is waiting for something better to come along while keeping me as a safety net.

 

I guess I'm just looking for your unbiased opinions. Any input would be appreciated. I'm worried that I'm comprimising myself by hanging around with him without any committment from him.

 

sounds like he just wants to be able to drop you cold when little miss 'bigger-faster-shinier' finally comes along. all the fun, and none of that silly hassle of responsibility and accountability.

 

"non-relationship"

(^sorry if that was harsh, but the guy really does sound ridiculous)

[Hannah86]

Oh my God, I am in the exact same situation as you...or I was. My guy and I dated in the fall/winter, were sexually exclusive (his call), hung out one on one and went on cute dates, even a trip.

 

Four months in, he told me I wasn't his girlfriend. I had been cool, going with the flow, assumed we were together, then he dropped that bomb on me because we "hadn't talked about it." I was furious, asked him how he could not consider me his girlfriend if we were exclusive, did all of these things together, etc, and his resounding answer was, "We hadn't talked about it." I said, "well, let's talk about it now!" and he would say, "I feel like I want to be with you eventually, but I'm still getting to know you." FOUR MONTHS IN!

 

I was shocked, dumped him.

 

I've had a fling, got my career in order, and he came crawling back. This time he has been so sweet, and said he wants to take things slow before jumping back in. I agreed. Three weeks of cute dates and NOT hooking up (I told him I wasn't going to sleep with him unless we were together) he and I agree we need to talk.

 

We had that conversation tonight and I couldn't be more angry. He said I was the one that "wanted this conversation," I said, really? If you aren't ready, we shouldn't be talking. The conversation went horribly bad for about an hour before I ended up just hanging up on him. I expected him to say, let's be together, but instead he was a big pussy and I've concluded things are broken up for a reason.