Almost got into a relationship now got nothing

[flagpolecorner]

Hello. I've read a lot of the posts on here with interest but thought i'd share my own story and hope for a bit of advice.

 

Rewind about 12 months ago and i'd known this girl for about 3 years and a bit. We are at the same uni, I considered her one of my closest friends and we part of the same friends circle seeing eachother as a group almost every day and having gone on holiday a couple of times. She graduated from uni, got her own place and job but still kept in touch a lot and would come round to our flat probably 2-3 times a week minimum. Over the course of a few months we grew closer and we would text eachother quite a lot which we never used to.

 

Over the next couple of months however things started to get a little touchy feely. Holding hands, sharing a bed, her stroking my leg under the table - random little things like that all initiated by her but reciprocated by me as well. I ended up staying at her flat for a week as well before finding my own place and every night we ended up sharing her bed (though there was a spare room) and one the last night things got quite intimate. By this point I wasn't sure what was really going on but kind of knew I now had feelings for her and we were getting on better than ever before and I had no reason to rock the boat so didn't bring up the issue whatsoever. A couple of weeks later I find out she hooked up with some random guy one night which obviously she was entitled to do but clearly cut me up completely and that was when I knew I was crazy about her. We still met up (just the two of us) a couple of times after that and things were still great, we were still close until about a month later she has "the talk" with me and says how we've become such close friends it'd be silly to take it any further and lose what we have. Reluctantly I accept. A week later we go for drinks and I basically tell her what she said was fine but how I couldn't let it slide without telling her how much I like her. She tells me that the reason she "ended it" was because she didn't think I liked her and how I should've told her before....but she ends by saying how she isn't ready for a relationship but we can talk about it next time. We hug and kiss etc. and go back to our separate houses before she texts me the same night saying we should stay as friends. Gutted.

 

Things are then AWKWARD for about 3 months. I was obviously still hung up on her and she tried to keep her distance and everytime I suggested we meet up she would think of an excuse or ensure we were never alone. Comes to about christmas time and we do meet up individually. She asks if I still have feelings for her to which I respond that it doesn't really matter because we both know it won't lead anywhere....she says that's not really true and five minutes later we are kissing. She keeps saying that the time isn't right and that she has too much on her plate but we keep kissing and end up spending the night at hers. Next morning is weird/awkward but not too bad and we both left together to go back home for christmas. We meet up after the new year - things are fine, normal, we have a great time over some drinks. A few days later though at another friend's birthday she basically ignores me, acts cold, barely talks to me. Things are really weird again. I ask her about it the next day and tells me how what happened before christmas was because she was "really really drunk" and that she would never have done it if she was sober and it won't happen again. She sort of apologises and says that's how she treats all guys. She also says that what happened between us intially (all the flirty stuff - holding hands etc.) was just a bit flirty and that I read into it too much. She says she knows I have feelings for her but it's not what she wants and we should remain friends. Great.

 

Things since then have been TERRIBLE. She never makes any contact with me and every time I try to email/phone/text her there is no conversation and things are so awkward. I've given up making an effort now. Conversation between us on nights out with mutual friends (only been 2 or 3 times) is stupidly awkward. I go from bouts of low mood to sort of fits of rage because I feel like she led me on a few times and the way she is so blunt about being drunk that one random night and saying nothing really happened between us is hard to take. On the other hand she is....was....one of my closest friends before all this and I am loathed to lose a friend over something that never really materialised.

 

She is the sort of girl that avoids all difficult situations and I know for certain if I make no effort at all we will just drift apart and in about 6-12 months time may never see eachother, if I get a new job elsewhere in the country. The more and more she avoids me the more and more I just see her as a girl I became crazy about but couldn't get. I don't want that, I want us to be friends. Is there anything I can do? Should I just forget it and blank her out of my life? Considering her first reasoning for not going further was because she didn't want to ruin our friendship this whole sorry affair couldn't have gone worse in my eyes.

 

Sorry for the stupidly long & pathetic post but I think I just needed to get it off my chest and see if anyone has some opinions! Thanks

[WTRanger]

Are you prepared to listen to her talk about her crushes and/or future boyfriend? Are you prepared to hear to talk about relationship issues, both of the good and the bad, in her relationships that do not include you? Can you be around her knowing that there's a very good chance it won't go any further than it already has? Can you be around her and still actively seek and date other girls?

 

If your truthful answer to anyone of those is either a no or a maybe, then you cannot be friends with her at the moment. Don't settle. If you wanted or want to date her and it can't work out, so be it. Move on. While you are hung up on something that won't happen, how many other chances are you letting slip by you?

 

She knows she has you on the hook. Don't let her toy with you anymore. In fact, pulling the puppy dog act further reduces your chances.

[flagpolecorner]

Are you prepared to listen to her talk about her crushes and/or future boyfriend? Are you prepared to hear to talk about relationship issues, both of the good and the bad, in her relationships that do not include you? Can you be around her knowing that there's a very good chance it won't go any further than it already has? Can you be around her and still actively seek and date other girls?

 

If your truthful answer to anyone of those is either a no or a maybe, then you cannot be friends with her at the moment. Don't settle. If you wanted or want to date her and it can't work out, so be it. Move on. While you are hung up on something that won't happen, how many other chances are you letting slip by you?

 

She knows she has you on the hook. Don't let her toy with you anymore. In fact, pulling the puppy dog act further reduces your chances.

 

Yeah. You're right. Especially the last section. I'm ok most of the time and have factored a bit of anger into my emotions which helps. Whether it's helping in a good or bad way I'm not really sure but apart from moments of weakness like when I posted the original post I'm trying more and more to adopt that attitude

[cnfusd84]

The puppy dog act definitely DOES NOT work. As a female, in all honesty, it just reads as being super pathetic. It's her loss that she can't get it together and realize how great you are. Normally I would say just ignore her all together, but since you do have friends in common I would treat her as a friend. Not a close one, but more of an acquaintance. You're still polite and can make jokes, but don't let her see that she's affecting the great life you are leading.

 

I think it works the same with guys and girls. You always want what you can't have and especially if it was once handed to you on a silver platter and is no longer available when you want it.

[flagpolecorner]

The puppy dog act definitely DOES NOT work. As a female, in all honesty, it just reads as being super pathetic. It's her loss that she can't get it together and realize how great you are. Normally I would say just ignore her all together, but since you do have friends in common I would treat her as a friend. Not a close one, but more of an acquaintance. You're still polite and can make jokes, but don't let her see that she's affecting the great life you are leading.

 

I think it works the same with guys and girls. You always want what you can't have and especially if it was once handed to you on a silver platter and is no longer available when you want it.

 

Yeah. Well recently i've broken off all contact myself. Deleted her number, email etc. and am just trying to focus on exams. Just find it hard to accept that someone who claims to be a good friend can be so cold/not giving a crap. That's life I guess.

[cnfusd84]

good for you!!! chances are after your finals you're going to be doing a fist pump or some sort of celebratory hand movement because you just made it through the semester accidentally hit that cute girl you never noticed in the back of your class, start dating get married and tell your grand kids all about it later on in life.

 

i pretty sure this is how the world works. when you least expect it that's when the good stuff starts!!

[mirage01]

Yeah. Well recently i've broken off all contact myself. Deleted her number, email etc. and am just trying to focus on exams. Just find it hard to accept that someone who claims to be a good friend can be so cold/not giving a crap. That's life I guess.

 

I know what you mean, happened to be me as well. Being cold is often a defense mechanism with an uncomfortable situation, many women dont really feel that way on the inside. I think the best solution is to give her space but still be nice and friendly when you communicate and things might be back to the way they were once the messy stuff between you guys slowly becomes ancient history.

[dancehead]

This so reminds me of my situation. Yes its a little different but the on-off, yes-no, confusing nature of her actions is the same as my problem girl 'friend' only that mine has dragged on-off for 9 years. And you don't want to waste time like I have!

 

What does she want from life did you ever talk about that? Marriage? Or just happy dating randoms? Anyway I guess it doesn't matter now you have broken contact. It was probably a good thing. Was she really sucha good friend and really, what can she offer you in life if she is not willing to give you a go? Even if she did give you a go you would need it to be because she wants to. If you love somebody set them free as the song goes!

[flagpolecorner]

This so reminds me of my situation. Yes its a little different but the on-off, yes-no, confusing nature of her actions is the same as my problem girl 'friend' only that mine has dragged on-off for 9 years. And you don't want to waste time like I have!

 

What does she want from life did you ever talk about that? Marriage? Or just happy dating randoms? Anyway I guess it doesn't matter now you have broken contact. It was probably a good thing. Was she really sucha good friend and really, what can she offer you in life if she is not willing to give you a go? Even if she did give you a go you would need it to be because she wants to. If you love somebody set them free as the song goes!

 

Well one of the first times we spoke about it she said she probably had feelings for me and wished I'd said something earlier but didn't want a relationship and that things between us would change too much. I don't really know what means in hindsight and things are messed up between us anyway. Oh well. Que Sera Sera

[phineas]

I have never cuddled with a woman that I didn't allready have sex with.

 

I've never slept in a bed with a woman unless we were having sex.

 

I do not get this casual cudling & sleeping in the same bed.

 

Maybe i'm just too damn old. LOL!

[dancehead]

I have never cuddled with a woman that I didn't allready have sex with.

 

I've never slept in a bed with a woman unless we were having sex.

 

Neither have I!